


Second Chances

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alice Dorcas Marlene and Lily are badass, Bisexual Male Character, Coming of Age, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Everyone is fiercely protective of Remus, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ravenclaw, Frank is awesome, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, Hogwarts, Internalizied Homophobia, James is a good bro, M/M, Marauders' Era, Motherhen James, Remus learns how to be happy, Sirius has issues, Slow Burn, bad breakup, gradual Lily/James, lots of friendships, minor depression, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-08-12 15:37:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 97,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7939963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Oh, Remm- fuck. Oh bloody hell I’m gonna shove those gay rainbow flag thingies so far up Sirius' arse that he’ll be puking up rainbows and sparkles for a week.”</p><p>This is a story of second chances, finding love in unexpected places, and the power of friendship. </p><p>Or: Lily, Marlene, Alice, and Dorcas are badass squad goals, James is a motherhen, Sirius is a storm, Remus is everyone's gem, and a certain Ravenclaw may be just the right solution.</p><p>MWPP-era starting in their 5th year. Updates at least once a week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Love Him

The thing was, James had never seen Remus so happy in his life. But at the same time he’d never seen the boy so depressed.

 

Remus was always an impressive concealer of emotions, but at this point, James had known him for five years. While others, including a certain beautiful redhead, saw James as arrogant and selfish, without a care for others, the marauders knew his sweet side. He was their mother hen. He took careful notice of his best mates. He slipped Remus chocolate bars in the middle of the night after a full moon, he roped Sirius into pranks that were exhilarating but not too dangerous when the idiot was in a whirlwind, and he explored the castle with Peter whenever he sensed Peter was feeling left out.

 

So while others saw Remus with an impassive face, including Sirius and Peter, James knew better. His breath caught in his throat as he descended down the stairs into the common room. Remus was curled up in the armchair everyone respected as his own, staring into the fireplace with the most heart broken face James had ever seen. And he’d accidentally run into Remus staring at his scared face in the mirror before.

 

He immediately made a beeline for him.

 

“Hey,” James said softly, because that’s what you needed to be with Remus. “I was thinking of sneaking off to the kitchen to get some hot chocolate, you want to come?”

 

Remus flinched slightly, before putting on a cheerful face. “Thanks Jamie, but I really need to get to the library to… er, study a bit. Yeah.”

 

“Great! I’ll come with you.”

 

“Actually, I, I, um,” Remus stuttered, trying to find an excuse. Remus was too kind to ever turn someone down, even at the expense of his own discomfort.

 

James quickly jumped in, “Oh wait, actually I forgot, I told Sirius we’d play qudditch outside.”

 

Remus flinched, not bothering to hide it this time. James furrowed his eyebrows- had he misread the situation? Did Remus actually want company? Did he feel like James chose Sirius over him? Before James could even begin to plan what to do next, Remus abruptly stood up, snatched his things, and sped out the portrait hole with a quick bye.

 

James frowned. He looked up to see Sirius hardcore flirting with a girl a year below them. An idea bloomed in his head.

 

———

 

“Rem! Mind if I sit here,” Lily called out, panting as she transitioned from a run to a walk. She hated to be doing something Potter suggested, but she loved Remus and would never not be there for him. At least Potter had the decency to have that girl come ask her instead of asking Lily himself.

 

At the sight of her, Remus’ rigid posture slumped and he opened his arms, which Lily quickly stepped into. It was an awkward hug. He was still sitting in the library chair and she had to bend down in a hunch to reach him but she squeezed him all the same as he drew in shaky breaths that caused his whole body to shudder.

 

“It hurts, Lils,” he choked out. “So much.”

 

Her insides flashed with the heat of rage, protectiveness, love, and pain. Pain for seeing her best friend go through this. She had never seen him so vulnerable before. No matter how much she tried to help him in the past, he had always kept his pain hidden carefully inside.

 

“You can’t keep doing this Rem,” she begged.

 

The cries broke through Rem’s walls and she couldn’t make out much, but she knew she heard him say what he was always saying, “I love him.”

 

But lately the _I love him_ was said more as an excuse rather than a happy declaration.

 

Lily’s grip tightened and a few tears slipped out of her as well. She wanted to hope for the best, but now was the time to prepare for the worst.

 

Time to get the Girls in motion for when it would come.

 

———

 

Sirius paced the empty common room. The knots in his stomach tightened and twisted as the seconds passed by. Where was he? This was routine; they always did this. Why was he so late?

 

Half an hour later, Remus appeared with Lily. Besides his hair being ruffled, he didn’t look much different. Part of the reason he stayed out so late was because he needed to wait until his eyes weren’t red and puffy. Remus didn’t want Sirius to know he had cried. Again.

 

Lily looked at Sirius, or rather through him, and the hairs on the back of his neck raised. Each time he saw her she was looking at him more and more intensely. And he didn’t think she was looking at him in a positive way.

 

Lily gave Remus a tight hug, whispered something in his ear, and kissed his right cheek, over the jagged scar, before heading up to the girls dormitory.

 

Remus shuffled closer, mumbling a soft “hey.”

 

Sirius wasted no time in reaching out and yanking him over so he could wrap his arms tightly around Remus' small waist. He nuzzled his face into the Remus’ neck, inhaling the minty scent of the boy’s soft curls.

 

“I missed you,” he breathed out.

 

He was so happy and content he didn’t even notice that Remus’ arms were hesitant to wrap around him, but he could feel the fast beating of the boy’s heart. The heart that beat for him. The thought warmed Sirius up from the bottom of his toes.

 

“Yeah,” Remus replied.

 

Sirius pulled back so he could look up into his favorite pair of green eyes. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the barely noticeable pink smudge on his cheek. Sirius pulled him down onto the couch, bringing him possessively into his lap. He licked his thumb and brushed it over the scar, making the pink go away.

 

Remus seemed to be lightening up, a dorky smile gracing his lips when he nudged Sirius.

 

“Gross!” He laughed as he wiped the saliva off his cheek.

 

Sirius rolled his eyes but there was an edge to his tone when he muttered that he was getting the lipstick off.

 

Remus’ grin stayed on, but the light in his eyes dimmed. “You can’t actually be jealous, Pads.”

 

Sirius made a “humph” sound, turning his gaze away. Remus climbed off his lap and the loss of heat and Moony sent his mind in haywire.

 

“You’re just, just with her all the time!”

 

Remus’ fists clenched. “Yeah, well, I wouldn’t be if you’d-”

 

He then sighed, unable to finish the sentence. Planting his face in his palms, his curls fell over to hide his face.

 

“You know I want to, Remmy, but you knows, it’s… difficult.”

 

“But it doesn’t have to be,” Remus mumbled, digging the ends of his palms into his eye sockets.

 

Sirius’ vision went shifty. His heart thumped wildly in his chest. He hated when they were like this. He needed Remus like he needed-

 

Sirius couldn’t even come up with a comparison to how much he needed Remus. He need him more than anything. More than air, more than food, just more more more.

 

“I’ll do it!” He blurted out, regretting it until Remus popped his head up. He saw the smile tugging at the corner of the most beautiful lips, so he continued, “I’ll them, I’ll tell everybody, hell I’ll kiss you in the dining hall!”

 

Remus grinned, but pointed out, “You always say that.”

 

“This time is different,” Sirius said before Remus could even finish. He pulled his love’s hands into his and gave a gentle squeeze, his voice softening. “I can’t lose you.”

 

Remus’ body tingled and he tried to think of everything Lily told him and he tried to remember the pain from earlier, but it was impossible when he was with Sirius. God, he loved this boy so much. His lungs were burning from the need to scream it out loud.

 

Focus, Remus, focus. His voice trembled, but he was able to ask the question. “And you’ll, er… you’ll stop flirting with girls?”

 

Sirius didn’t bother to answer. He pulled his Moony up and pressed their bodies together, letting go of one hand so he could rest it on Remus’ shoulder.

 

“Anything for you, my love,” he whispered and the taller boy finally placed his hand on Sirius’ waist, leading them in a gentle, swaying rhythm.

 

Sirius started to sing softly in Moony’s ear.

 

This was it, Rem thought. Things are going to work out. They hadn’t danced like this in a while and that made it all the more special. This was their thing. This was their bubble. There was nothing more precious to them than dancing with each other, the happiness seeping into the other through the pores of the skin pressed tightly together.

 

The rest of the night was wonderful. They laughed and Sirius couldn’t stop touching Remus- threading his fingers through his curls, keeping an arm on his leg, snuggling into him, pulling him into his lap. Remus’ guard was down and his face was full of emotion and expression. He watched his lovely Padfoot with adoring eyes, genuinely laughing at everything he said.

 

Remus was so happy he didn’t even mind when Sirius made them do the usual end of the night routine- Sirius goes up first and then Remus comes up 30 minutes later to make sure James and Peter don’t know. Not that it was necessary- those boys always were fast asleep and slept like logs.

 

Remus tucked himself in his blankets and sighed, falling asleep with a smile on his face. That night he had no bad dreams or nightmares of moons and hunting and blood. He dreamt of the color of his favorite jumper- a stormy gray blue- and warm hands on the beach and the smell of the forest and the sound of two hearts beating in sync.


	2. We Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius fucks up and the Girls are here to catch Remus.

The next day Remus was chattering away to James in Muggle Studies, the only class that was just the two of them. Sirius and Peter snorted at the idea of the class and laughed at why James was taking it- so he could know more about Lily’s life before Hogwarts. 

 

James had to keep himself from laughing out too loud. Remus had the best snarky humor, but it was days like these, when he was so carefree, that he was absolutely hilarious. It was something that didn’t happen too often, especially in class. Remus hated talking when he could be taking notes. 

 

James could hardly get a word in between Remus’ fast ramble, but he didn’t mind. It was reassuring to see Remus like this after yesterday. His worries were tucked away, not completely gone, but at ease. He should thank Lily really, she had to be the one who cheered the boy up. Ah, Lily… So kind and beautiful and funny and smart and-

 

“Hello? Earth to Jamie? Prongs?”

 

James pulled out of his thoughts to the sound of snapping fingers in his face.

 

“Huh?”

 

Remus chortled, hooking his arm under James’ elbow- another rare thing, for Remus to seek out playful touch without being prompted.

 

“Class is over, you prat. You were thinking of Lils, weren’t you?”

 

James opened his mouth to deny it but instead came out a ten-minute long rant about how gorgeous her hair shined in the sun. Not meaning that it wasn’t gorgeous when it wasn’t in the sun, because quite honestly, could Lily ever not be gorgeous?

 

“I’ll tell James all about you, you disgusting faggot,” came a snarl from down the corridor.

 

Their heads snapped up, but James didn’t hear the last part. His ears weren’t trained to pick up that word like Remus’ were. Remus’ heart stopped until he realized that Sirius had told James about their relationship this morning. 

Sirius had kissed Remus’ jaw and told him that they talked about it before breakfast and it went really well. Obviously, James was accepting, he hadn’t even asked Remus about it! All James had done was stare at him with a big smile all day- like he was so happy for Remus. 

Remus relaxed, thinking how this was actually perfect. This would have been Sirius’ worst nightmare, being outed by Snape before he could tell James. 

 

“Tell me what?” James demanded, his voice hard but confident. His wand was already out and ready. An equal amount of protectiveness and excitement buzzed in James. No one was allowed to talk like that to one of his marauders, his family, but at the same time, he hadn’t had a good excuse or timing to hex Snivellus in ages. 

 

While James walked with a sneer, Remus’ face broke out into a reassuring smile to give to Sirius, but he froze as he saw the horror leaking onto the boy’s beautiful porcelain face. 

 

Had Snape done something to him? Why was he breathing so hard? Steaming anger ripped through Remus’ body at the idea of someone hurting his Padfoot.

 

Snape smirked, opening his mouth. “Well,” he drawled, “we were just discussing how I’ve caught onto Sirius’ burning passion for- ”

 

Remus swore that was the last moment there was a beat in his heart before it died away into a charred, ashen pile. One minute he was thinking of how he was going to kiss Sirius in the hallway in front of Snape and James would wolf whistle and-

 

and then Sirius had cut Snape’s last word off as he grabbed a seventh-year girl passing in the hallway and kissed her.

 

James wolf whistled.

 

———

 

Lily never could explain her connection with Remus. They liked to joke that they were long lost twins with telepathy. 

 

This was the strongest she had ever felt it, though.

 

In the middle of laughing at Dorcas sticking spoons up her nose, she felt it. To anyone else, they would have thought that a herd of Dementors had swarmed in the Great Hall. But over the loud cheers and bickering of fellow classmates, Lily had one thought:

 

   _Remus._

 

———

 

James was clapped Sirius’ back, light-heartedly giving him a hard time for not telling him he’d been dating Agnus for weeks. He was so happy for Sirius he forgot about how concerned he was when Remus had disappeared without a trace and he didn’t even notice when Marlene McKinnon snuck up the boys dormitory stairs.

 

———

 

The G irls moved swiftly and seamlessly into action. Lily physically held Remus together in the hopes that she could put his emotional pieces back into place, at least for the time being. Dorcas snuck into the kitchen to smuggle even more chocolate into their room. And Marlene got the cloak in the blink of an eye, with no one noticing she had even come into the common room. Alice guarded the corridor they were in.

 

Remus was shaking, but he hadn’t let out a single tear. He kept stammering to Lily to let him go through the portrait whole, that Sirius had to have some excuse or it was a joke or he had just imagined it and that everything was okay.

 

Lily just repeated over and over. “It’s not okay, but you’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. This isn’t okay, but you’re going to be.”

 

At the sound of footsteps, Lily looked at Alice who nodded back, mouthing “Marls”.

 

Lily gently pulled Remus off the ground. “Okay, Rem, we’re going to go in, but you’re going to go in with the invisibility cloak, alright? I’ll be right under it with you so I can hold your hand. I’d say don’t look, but I know you’re going to anyway, so just know we’re going to be right here.”

 

Alice reached out and squeezed his shoulder, tenderly saying, “We love you.”

 

Marlene handed the cloak to Alice, who gently pulled it over Remus.

 

“It’s not good in there,” Marlene whispered into Lily’s ear. “Like, it’s bad. Really bad.”

 

“I’m going to fucking kill him, I’m gonna shove a rake so far up his-”

 

“Lils?” Remus’ voice wavered as he called out. Lily put a smile on her face, reaching her hand out until she found Remus and then slipped under the cloak. 

 

Marlene motioned them forward. “So we’re going through, me behind you and Alice in front. Remember we can’t see you, so be careful and just follow us.”

 

“Well, get on with it,” the Fat Lady said.

 

“Bicorn,” Dorcas said, a slight bite to her tone.

 

The portrait swung open and they climbed in.

 

Remus’ eyes found him immediately, as they always did. If his heart was still there, it would have died again. His Padfoot- no.

No. 

 

Sirius- no, that hurt too much too. 

 

Black, he dully thought, was sitting in Remus’ armchair by the fire with the same girl sitting in his lap. 

 

His head was thrown back in laughter, displaying the milky arch of his neck. His, his hand was around her waist! He didn’t even like girls! Sirius was always seeking affection and touch, but never like this. It was always playful and platonic, but this-

 

this was how he held Remus. He was even rubbing circles where his hand rested on her skin- her shirt rising up.

 

Remus’ gasp made Sirius’ head snap up, fear immediately taking over his eyes. But he didn’t see Remus, so his body relaxed back a bit. Thank god, Remus could never, ever, ever know about this. He started to turn his head away when his eyes met with Alice. Sweet Alice who handed out warm smiles to everyone and even was friends to a handful of Slytherins and was always soft-spoken and the kindest soul everyone knew (besides his Moony, of course). He had never seen so much hatred in one look, not even in James’ eyes when he looked at Snivellus. McKinnon didn’t glance at him, but it was obvious she was ignoring him and hoped he would burst into flames. 

At least Lily was nowhere to be seen. 

 

He quickly glanced away, his heart in his throat. Did they know? Had Remus told them? His ears buzzed and his vision tilted, distorting the common room. He wasn’t terrified that if they knew that they could tell everyone their secret. No, he was terrified because if they knew, they would take Remus away from him. They wouldn’t even let him explain. 

 

His Moony couldn’t have told them. He couldn’t have. He was going to come to him at midnight and he would explain everything and they would dance. 

 

    Sirius knew Remus would always come back, because he knew that Remmy loved his Padfoot. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Remus. . .  
> I'm glad to introduce the Girls, they're about to spice this shit up : )
> 
> Also "In mythology, the Bicorn (also known as the Bicrone or Bulchin) was a creature with two horns. It has the reputation of devouring kind-hearted and devoted husbands. It is described as very fat and good-natured." - H.P. wikia


	3. Sirius Waited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Girls act as a human shield, Sirius is desperate, and James is clueless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** the girls (Dorcas, Marlene, Lily, and Alice) will know be the Girls with a capital G

Dorcas was waiting in the room with at least ten hot chocolates. She paced, adding last touches and aligning everything. She refolded Remus’ clothes into a neat pile (Marls had stolen them in the early morning).

 

She heard them before she saw them. A horrible, heart-wrenching sob encompassed the room.

 

“I cast an imperturbable charm so no one can hear or get in,” she quickly said as the Girls filed in and the invisibility cloak was thrown off to reveal a very disheveled Remus and a furious Lily.

 

Remus took in shaky breaths as he looked around the whole room. There were fairy lights hanging from the ceiling, the bed frames had been shoved to the sides of the room and the floor was covered in their mattresses in a big heap of blankets and pillows. There were books, his favorite books, tucked around the room and chocolate- it was everywhere. Bars and frogs and every shape or flavor you could imagine chocolate being was there. The room smelt of his favorite tea and a mixture of the Girls. It smelled like love. Not a thing was the color blue. It was soft yellows and pinks and oranges and purples.

 

He momentarily forgot the pain. “When did you do this?”

 

“Last night Lily had us set up, but we’ve been preparing for a while,” Alice said hesitantly. “The reason we spent so much time figuring out how to bewitch the stairs into letting you and only you into the Girls dormitory, instead of turning into a slide, was for whe- er, if, if this happened.”

 

Tears slipped past his face. Unbelievable pain ripped through him over how the Girls had known this would happen, but he was so grateful for them. 

 

He ducked his head, hoarsely saying thank you.

 

Marlene snorted. “Don’t be so conceited Rem, we actually just wanted an excuse for a big slumber party.”

 

The tension in the room broke and Remus' mouth quirked up a little. Pulling his shoes off, he walked into the mound of the soft mess, lying down on a mound of pillows. The Girls dog piled onto him- Lily pressed to his right side, Alice on his left, Marlene basically laid herself half over Alice and half over him, and Dorcas was spooning his head.

 

“You’re such a fucking cat, Dorky,” Remus muttered. His eyes slowly closed as he was drawn into a dreamless sleep. The sound of laughter and the warmth of their bodies acted as a shield that could not be broken.

 

———

 

Sirius paced.

 

Sirius sat by the window, tapping his foot.

 

Sirius pulled at his hair.

 

Sirius lied on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

 

Sirius kept checking out the portrait hole so many times the Fat Lady yelled at him.

 

Sirius waited. 

 

— — — 

 

    “Mate,” someone shook his shoulder. “Ey, Potter wake up.”

 

His blankets were pulled out from him and if there’s one thing that wakes James Potter up, it’s the cold.

 

“Wha’s goin’ on,” he mumbled, blindly reaching out for his blanket. “Go to sleep Pads.”

 

“James wake up. It’s important.”

 

James’ eyes opened. That wasn’t Pads’ voice.

 

“Frank?”

 

Frank rolled his eyes and pulled James by the arm, out of bed and dragging him out onto the stairs.

 

“Alice told me to tell you that Lily is taking care of Remus.”

 

That woke James up. “Lily?”

 

Frank grunted. “Focus up. You know your best mate? Remus? He’s not in his bed, he’s not coming back to his bed, and the Girls are taking care of him.”

 

A million thoughts raced through his head- _Remus_. 

 

“Why’s he with them? He should be with me!”

 

“I’m not the person you should be asking, but he’s in good hands.” The hard look in Frank’s eyes could be seen even in the dark. “He’s best with them, okay?”

 

James didn’t agree but he nodded. Frank turned his back to head to his dormitory, but he called over his back, “If you hurt Rem, you’ll have me to deal with. And worse, the Girls.”

 

James’ froze. He would never hurt Remus. Why would Frank say that? When did Frank get so chummy with Remus? Why did he know what was going on, but not James, his best mate?

 

James sat down on the steps, naively thinking this was only going to be one long night.

 

“Bloody hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is short, I'll post the next one soon. This is part 1 of the girls taking care of Remus while he wallows before it's time to spring into action.


	4. Sirius' Reputation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of coddling.  
> The Girls pull the whole story out of Remus.

 Remus woke up around eleven that same evening. Marlene, Dorcas, and Lily still surrounded him, but they were sitting up and doing homework.

Remus groaned, his head pounding. The Girls glanced at Remus and then at each other. Lily grabbed his hand.

“Hey, Rem. You feeling alright?” Dorcas asked, barely above a whisper, as she tucked a strand of his hair away from his eyes.

Remus sat up, balling up his fists to rub at his eyes. He waited for them to coo like the usually did, pinching his cheeks as the declared how adorable a sleepy Remmy was.

At the thought of Remmy, everything came back to him. Sirius always called him Remmy.

“Sirius,” Remus said, looking up into Marlene’s eyes. She took it as a silent question he was asking and she nodded her head. It wasn’t a dream.

No tears gathered in his eyes. Not a thought went through his head. Not a squeeze of his heart.

Remus knew it should have been unsettling but he couldn’t feel anything. His heart was gone. A huge piece of him was gone. He was gone.

“No!”

“Fuck that idiot!”

“You don’t need him to be whole.”

All three girls exclaimed at once. Remus hadn’t even realized he said that out loud. He just blinked at them, not even taking their words in. The Girls exchanged another look, worry painting itself over their faces. 

They stayed up until the early hours of the morning, giving Remus the softest love they could. Dorcas brushed and played with his hair, making small braids and undoing them and then making more. Lily read one of his favorite books out loud. Marlene sang. They helped him undress and dress into pjs. They fed him chocolate. They took turns telling him he was loved and special and deserved so much more. At one point Marlene started a pillow fight that Remus even joined in half-heartedly. 

At some point Alice slipped back into the room, face flushed. She had been with Frank. Remus was tucked under blankets, snoring softly.

“I told Frank to tell James we have Remus,” Alice whispered, walking over to join them. She lifted a hand to touch his cheek. “How’s he doing?”

Lily, Marlene, and Dorcas shared a looked.

Alice’s smile slipped away. 

 

———

 

Remus was able to skip class for a few days. The full moon was a week and a half away and McGonagall didn’t even consider he could be lying about not feeling well. 

He hadn’t left the Girls’ room and Marlene constantly snuck into his old room to collect more of his things. He knew James was asking for him, but he wasn’t ready yet. The Girls took turns checking in on him during the day and bringing back food. Remus mostly preferred sticking to chocolate, but it became quickly know that if Remus didn’t eat his damn vegetables, it would be shoved down his throat.

When he was alone, he lied on his back and stared at the ceiling. Most of the time his mind was blank and when he’d sit up again hours had passed without him noticing. 

The Girls were keeping him together and making him feel alive. They stayed up late into the night, doing their best to distract him at the time he usually went to meet up with Sirius. It was becoming easier and harder at the same time. They made him laugh until his sides ached and filled his insides with warmth.

But feeling alive made him feel the depth of his sadness even more. It melted his numbness away, exposing himself to the harsh, thorny reality.

He was currently so invested in his make-up homework that he didn’t notice when the Girls snuck in until they leaped on him. They pulled him onto his back, pinning him down as they tickled him.

“S-St-Stop,” Remus squealed. “I’m gonna p-piss my-myself!”

But it was so nice to see Remus’ cheeks full of color and his eyes filled with light that the Girls took a few more moments to continue the moment. They didn’t want to let it go.

Pulling back, Lily smiled as Remus caught his breath. 

“Fuck,” he gasped, “you.”

Marlene snorted and shoved his shoulder.

“Such a toilet mouth, Remmy,” Dorcas teased.

Remus’ tingling warmth was replaced with hot waves scorching his insides. He clutched his sides, heavy breaths coming out. He squeezed his eyes shut, but swirling gray eyes were burned into his eyelids. He swore he felt the ghost of rough, calloused fingertips rubbing the back of his neck. The room smelt like dirt and stupid, stupid lilac flowers. His mouth tasted like pumpkin juice and peppermints Sirius always stole from Remus.

“Remmy! Everything’s okay, Remmy open your eyes,” someone pleaded.

The next voice was scolding and Remus vaguely realized it was Lily. “Alice stop calling him that. That’s what hurts, right Rem?”

Remus gave the tiniest nod of his head.

Marlene touched his elbow. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The three other girls shot Marlene glares, disapproving of her approach. Remus needed softness.

To their surprise, Remus’ breathing started to slow down and he let go of his sides. 

“O-okay,” he croaked out.

Soon, everything tumbled out. Things not even Lily knew about. He explained that they confessed their feelings to each other in third year and how Sirius pretended it never happened. He spoke of how in fourth year Sirius pulled him into a cupboard and cried that he couldn’t do it anymore, he needed Remus and he wanted him more than anything. He smiled whenhe spoke of the nights few and far between they spent that year in the common room and the beginning of their dance. He frowned over how Sirius refused to call him his boyfriend. He cried over how in fifth year Sirius told him he loved him and called him his Remmy, his love. The tears didn’t stop as he went on, going over the innumerable amount of times Sirius had promised to tell James about being gay and how Sirius began to flirt with girls excessively as a cover up when he thought James or Peter were onto him. 

The Girls tried to stay silent as much as they could, but they couldn’t help a few slip ups.

“Third year?!”

“I swear to god, Lily, you better tell me all the spells you saw in Snape’s notebook. I’m going to use them and I’m not going to feel one ounce of guilt.”

“Oh, Remm- fuck. Oh bloody hell, I’m gonna shove those gay rainbow flag thingies so far up his arse that he’ll be puking up rainbows and sparkles for a week.”

“That boy will never come near you again for as long as I live.”

The Girls shut up the second Remus could hardly breathe, barely able to get the next sentence out. He had to repeat it a few times before they understood.

Apparently, Sirius would go to drastic measures and spit out homophobic things and then not even look at Remus for a few days.

“Remm- da-darling,” Alice caught herself. “You don’t have to say anymore.”

Remus took a few moments to gather himself again, wiping away his tears. He shook his head- no, this felt good. It felt good for others to know and to get it out of his chest before it burst. It made him feel like he was less crazy and that he had a right to be upset.

“He swore to me that he had told James that morning. He humiliated me. I’ve forgiven him so many times and I probably would have forgiven him for that, but when he k-kissed her. . . He’s never done that. Even when we weren’t together”

Only Lily had known that Sirius had kissed Agnus, but she didn’t know Sirius had never kissed anyone else. The Girls were dumbfounded, with Sirius’ reputation they had expected he’d done much more than that with other Girls.

“I can’t forgive him for this. I can’t do it anymore,” Remus whispered. “I can’t go on feeling unworthy and like I’m something to be ashamed of.”

Remus’ face was fierce and non-wavering, but his eyes finally showed exactly how damaged he was inside. The Girls didn’t think it was possible for Sirius to have inflicted this much pain on someone. It was clear that as much as Remus was depressed, he was also boiling with anger. He hated that Sirius had done this to him and he blamed himself for letting this go on.

“Why don’t you come shower, Rem,” Dorcas asked. Grabbing his hand gently. “I’ll start the shower and I’ll sit in the corner facing away. I can sing if you want. Your ears can get a rest from Marls’ horrid singing and actually hear a true singer’s voice.”

Marlene rolled her eyes. “Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.”

A smile tugged at Remus’ lips.

Dorcas and Remus didn’t return from the bathroom for a little over a half hour.

In the mean time, Marlene and Alice were quizzing Lily for whatever information she knew.

“You have to realize that as much as Sirius hurt Remus, he always made him feel incredibly loved. There were weeks where Remus radiated happiness. He took care of Remus really well when they were alone and smothered him in love. They’re best friends. Honestly, if Sirius actually grew up and pulled his head out of his arse, I’d say they were soul mates.”

 

Marlene snorted. She would never say the same, but unlike Lily, she had only seen Remus when he was heartbroken and needed refuge in their room.

 

Backtracking, Lily hurried to add, “Not that that excuses his behavior in any way, I’ve been telling Rem for ages how much of an abusive cycle this is.” 

The Girls were quiet for few minutes, listening to the gentle patter of water from the shower, their heads wrapped up in different, but similar trains of thought. 

Alice broke the silence. “What I don’t understand is why Remus never told James. I mean, he didn’t have to say they were dating, but he could have at least said he was gay to show Sirius how accepting James would be.”

Marlene nodded. “Remus seems like he doesn’t care who knows his preferences or not.”

Lily bit her lip.

 

“Well, er,” she mumbled and then sighed. “In fourth year, Remus confessed to me that he had wanted to come out a year ago, but Sirius told him not to. He didn’t want people to become suspicious of him.”

Before the two Girls could express their outrage, Remus and Dorcas appeared. While Dorcas helped him to settle down so she could comb his hair, Marlene turned to Lily and Alice, grinning wickedly.

“Marls, I don’t know what you’re thinking but don’t you dare.”

Alice shushed Lily, her eyes lighting up. “I don’t know what it is, but I can tell this is going to be brilliant and I’m in.”

Marls opened her mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll hopefully post the next chapter mid-week or next weekend. Get ready for the big revealing of Remus post-break-up.


	5. Phase One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus' returns with a new look that catches eyes and creates giggles.

James woke up, bleary eyed and confused until his eyes fell upon the empty bed. He sighed as his anxieties and worries bubbled up in his throat. It had been four nights of feeling incomplete. Three days of not a sight of that mess of brown curls.

 

The next thing James was aware of was Peter’s piercing snorts and the angry grumbles that now consumed Sirius’ morning routine.

 

“Whatcha' on about now Pads?”

 

“There’s holes in my robes! Gaping, jagged holes that weren’t there last night! Those Girls are sneaking in and messing everything up!”

 

It was too early in the morning for this and James was sick of it.

 

“Honestly, Sirius it’s like you don’t care about Rem at all! We haven’t seen him in days and he could be dying for all we know,” James growled. “But all you keep going on about is about yourself.”

 

Sirius’ scowl fell and he sat back on his bed, looking at his hands.

 

“Of course I care about Moony,” he mumbled. His voice sounded thick of some emotion and it sounded a lot more than just concern. 

 

James’ tone softened a bit. “Anyway, you’re being paranoid. Why would the Girls slice up your robes? They’ve got nothing against you.”

 

Sirius’ face paled before being covered up with the return of the scowl. He stood up, hastily pulling his robe on, and headed for the stairs without even bothering to repair them.

 

Great, add that to the list of things James didn’t understand. He had never felt so clueless in his life. A particularly loud snort echoed in the room, causing Peter to bolt awake from the sound. His first instinct was to check Remus’ bed.

 

The chubby boy stared at the bed without a crease in the blanket. He gazed up at James after a minute with watery eyes.

 

“He’ll come back, won’t he?”

 

———

 

Sirius stabbed at his eggs. His heart had never felt more alive. Each beat made itself known, often waking himself up in his sleep. It pumped his blood until it felt like it was going to burst from his veins, but he knew his body wouldn’t grant him that luxury. No, his heart wanted him to feel alive so he could feel the consequence of what he’d done.

 

_Moo-ny. Moo-ny. Moo-ny._

 

His brain tried to reason, to explain and rationalize, but no matter what his thoughts begged, his heart could not be wavered.

 

Entirely caught up in his drowning, he didn’t hear the whispers that overtook the Gryffindor table. It wasn’t until the girl across from him exclaimed “dibbs!” to her friend without any shame over who could hear her that Sirius snapped his head up to see what all the fuss was about.

 

“Bloody _hell_ ,” Sirius uttered without meaning to.

 

There, striding down the Great Hall toward the Gryffindor table was his Remmy. But this was not a Remus he had ever seen.

 

The Girls glowed with pride as Rem walked, no, glided down the aisle with what everyone would see as natural confidence. 

 

Fake it ’til you make it, Alice drilled into him. 

 

His hair looked made of gold from the sunlight streaming through the windows. Lily had cut it last night with reference to Dorcas’ poster of what she insisted was the most fit Quidditch player. The sides were shortened considerably, not shaved down, but short enough that the hairs weren’t able to curl. She left the top of his head mostly untouched, cutting off half an inch or less, so that his endearing wisps of curls stood out more.

 

The best part, Dorcas went on to say, bouncing on her feet, is that it could be styled to be overwhelmingly adorable or into something more mature.

 

Marlene insisted on him wearing a pair of her robes and she couldn’t keep the full-blown smirk on her face as she watched him. While he once looked lost in ratty and baggy attire, now he was absolutely dashing as the robes accentuated his long, lean frame. If Marlene wasn’t so smug, she’d be bitter over how they fit him better than her. 

 

The finishing touch was Alice’s work. She had to fight him over this, but eventually he caved. Her art was so subtle, that unless you knew, no one could tell he was wearing make-up. She used clear mascara that drew your attention to his sparkling eyes and a thin layer of foundation that covered the dark circles and bags. His skin glowed in a way that made him finally seem young and not years above them. 

 

The Girls had obviously made the right choice in planning for Remus to make his grand entrance alone. Eyes upon eyes were on him and the giggles spread to the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables. 

 

With class and subtlety, the Girls’ eyes found Sirius, eyes wide as saucers, filled with awe and longing in an unbreakable gaze. They could see the exact second he realized that not only was Rem not looking back at him, but he was actually walking _past_ him as well.

 

Confusion, anger, jealousy, and sadness were only a few of the emotions they saw cross his face that were so clear they could see from the far end of the table.

 

“Phase one: mission complete,” Marls said under her breathe.

 

Remus finally reached them, his cheeks slightly flushed. Lily grabbed his hand under the table as he sat down, giving a squeeze before letting go.

 

“So, was that alright?” She asked, leaning toward him. Her insides twisted with the worry that they had pushed him too far and made him uncomfortable. 

 

But he flashed the Girls a wide, almost completely genuine smile. He flipped his hair in a spot-on imitation of Marlene, quoting her trademark, “Ain’t nothing I don’t already know. I’m fucking fabulous.”

 

The Girls burst out into laughter, each of them kicking someone’s leg under the table in excitement.

 

———

 

The classroom was unusually warm, a day of sunshine between weeks of pouring rain. Remus sat at the front, rays hitting his arms from the windows, while droplets of sweat rolled down his chest under the robe as the clock ticked by. 

 

His stomach felt like it was sucking itself in and he willed it not to grumble loudly in front of Professor Binns. A barely audible groan fell from his lips as he realized there were still fifteen minutes left. An abrupt bang, followed by a curse, came from behind him and Remus barely suppressed a shudder at the voice. He forgot Sirius was behind him.

 

Remus could hear two of the Girls snickering (he was guessing Dorcas and Marlene), sounding purposefully loud. Hm, maybe his groan wasn’t all that quiet.

 

He shook his head out of those thoughts, disappointment and shame swelling up in him. Sirius hadn’t made an attempt at all to come up to Remus since breakfast. Which shouldn’t be a pressing matter, because if he had come up Remus would have snapped at him to go away. He couldn’t help but feel guilty at wishing for more of a response. 

 

“What does retaliate mean?” Peter whispered from his right. 

 

Slouching lower to reach Wormtail’s height, Remus gave a fast and simplified explanation of the word and its context in the current war Binn was droning on about. 

 

As much of a headache it gave him to juggle listening to the lecture and helping Peter, Rem could never say no to that oddly round face, especially after today. Just when he was starting to freak out before the first class, trying to figure who they hell he was going to sit next to while avoiding a confrontation from the marauders, Pete barreled into him. Small arms wrapped around his torso while Pete profusely apologized for whatever he’d done to drive Moony away and how hopelessly lost he was in class without the gentle patience only Rem had.

 

“I knew you always loved me for my brains,” Remus commented, half-heartedly covering up how touched he felt. Pete let go of him to steer them toward the front of the class, shushing him for being a “clueless git”.

 

And so Pete hadn’t left his side since. He could tell James wanted to interrupt and be a part of their interactions, but the Girls must have been keeping him at a bay, knowing Remus wasn’t ready for him. James was too bloody perceptive for his own good sometimes. Remus reckoned he’d know everything within seconds of looking into his green eyes.

 

“Rem, lunch time, darling,” Alice said, snapping him out of his thoughts. She came around his table, starting to help him pack his things up but he waved her away. Peter mumbled how he had to catch up with Prongs and scampered away. 

 

——— 

 

“C’mon mate it really isn’t that…bad,” Prongs repeated.

 

“I think it adds character, like Moony’s scars,” Pete piped up.

 

“Shut up Wormy,” Sirius snapped. Another tentacle of guilt wrapped around his throat. Pete stepped backward, eyes watering. Prongs placed his arms around Wormtail, whispering something in his ear while he shot Sirius a murderous glare. 

 

“Don’t come back to the room until you’ve asked Madame Pomfrey if she can magic your heart better as well,” James spat. But before he walked away, gently guiding Pete with him, he gave Sirius another look. A pleading, desperate look that asked _what’s wrong? Please talk to me. When you hurt, I hurt. I love you, even though you’re being a prat. You’re my brother._

 

Sirius looked away and waited until their footsteps faded until he buried his face in his hands. 

 

He stayed in the infirmary for another half hour as Pomfrey fussed over him before sighing, saying how the boils wouldn’t go away for another week. He shook his head when she asked who did this to him, even though he knew, but he had no proof.

 

All he wanted to do was to sit in Remmy’s armchair, but he should have bloody known better. The Girls’ had cursed it to give a mad case of hideous, bursting boils over the intruder’s face. He darkly guessed it was Lily, who was the most advanced at spells. Maybe he could convince Prongs to prank her back. . . 

 

Pete had pointed out that to be fair, Padfoot had tried to sit in his chair with Agnus again, which Sirius didn’t see as a problem. Maybe he did, but no one had to know that. Pete’s pained face resurfaced in his mind and he knew he should apologize to him, but his pride was more sensitive lately. He’d try, he promised himself.

 

———

 

“You want to hold my hand while you’re at it? Maybe give me a bottle?” Remus’s tone was dry, but there was no bite behind the words. 

 

Frank shoved his shoulder with a little more force than necessary. 

 

“You’re welcome, darling _honeybear_.”

 

A rather unattractive snort came from Rem. He could see why Alice was so infatuated with him. They made a great pair, he thought with a dull pang in his heart. He turned away from those thoughts, focusing on the hope that Frank meant what he said earlier when he told him he wanted to be friends.

 

Frank came up to him after Transfiguration, inviting him to play a game of chess in the library. Remus had started to fall back into a slump by the end of the day, but Frank somehow prevented him from going lower. Frank beat him two out of three games and Rem delighted in their cursing banter. After that they did homework, working silently except for a few side conversations where Frank would suddenly say something he’d heard girls say about Rem during the day, hoping to catch him by surprise. Every time he succeeded in getting a reaction, he pumped his fist in the air and gave himself points. One in half points if he spluttered, three points if he swore, and four points if he spilled over his ink.

 

When Remus toppled out of his chair while knocking over a bottle of ink and spluttered out “fuck!” over a very forward comment from Margaret, a sixth year Hufflepuff, Frank went ahead and gave himself thirty extra points. Needless to say, they were thrown out of the library after that.

 

Now it was late in the evening and Frank was escorting Rem to his dormitory, no negotiations. Remus muttered the blasted password, stepping into the common room as he told Frank he’d have to stop by the Girls so they knew he was alright.

 

“Don’t worry, I got it. Alice will be swarming over me in a second,” Frank reassured him. 

 

Remus nodded and his heart thudded in his chest. He had made the decision last night he’d go back to his dorm, but he was having second thoughts. He swallowed as they began to go up the stairs.

 

Right as they entered the room, Frank turned to him with a devilish smile and before Rem could prepare himself, Frank said as calmly, like he was talking about the weather, “By the way, did I mention a first year wanted to lick that ‘deliciously sexy’ scar running down your cheek?”

 

“What the fuck? A first year!”

 

Remus needing to sit down on his bed as he burst into a fit of laughter. He hadn’t realized that James and Peter had followed suit until he calmed down, a tear rolling down his cheek. He caught James’ merry brown eyes and ducked his head. 

 

Frank cleared his throat. “Well, nice hanging out with you Rem-gem, let’s do it again sometime.”

 

Rem rolled his eyes but gave a genuinely thankful smile to him. Before leaving, Frank gave each of the three boys a ten-second long glare.

 

“I’ll give the Girls your love and if you need anything, you know where to find me. Don’t worry what time in the night it is,” Frank said while staring down Sirius, who had taken the time to gaze intensely at his bedside table.

 

With Frank gone, Remus pulled his curtains closed, put on pjs, and got under his covers. He could feel the tension building in the room, but refused to acknowledge it. Occasionally he could hear some grumbles come from Sirius’ bed that suspiciously sounded like ‘rem-gem’. He clenched his fists and counted every time it happened.

 

Right as sweet, sweet darkness was pulling him into unconsciousness, there was a creak and the shuffle of feet made it’s way to his bed. He could see James’ shadow on his curtains.

 

“I know you don’t want to talk,” James whispered quietly without any bitterness, only compassion, “but I want you to just know that I love you and you’re my best mate no matter what. I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way and I’m ready whenever you want to talk or just sit in silence together.”

 

Rem almost through his curtains open and hugged James right there, but he couldn’t find it in him to move or speak. He knew James always insisted he was as much of Marauder as any of them, but he never quite believed it or understood why they’d want him. Despite how pathetic Sirius had made him feel the past few years, a seed was planted in Remus as he began to think maybe, just maybe, people really did care for him and more importantly, that he deserved that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Frank. I also think Rem-gem is adorable.  
> Next up is the full moon... and Remus doesn't know what to do about the monthly tradition of a night out as animals.


	6. Jamie?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James thought he was going to lose Remus.

 

The clouds loomed over the two boys, a grey murky mass kissing the purple blackness of the night. Everything was dark except for a spot in the clouds that glimmered from the moon it hid.

 

“You’re not going to change your mind are you?”

 

Remus shook his head, refusing to meet James’ warm eyes. He couldn’t stand to look at James. 

 

A week had passed since Remus re-emerged, gathering more attention than he thought was possible. The weekend after that was great; Remus hardly thought of Sirius at all and the Girls’ were endlessly entertaining. But the following week was not so well. His body was racked with aches and pains from the upcoming full moon and he found it easier for his mind to be dragged into dark corners and thoughts. 

 

And although the Girls were a haven, Remus missed James. He spent time with Peter, but he continued to avoid that head of unruly black hair. 

 

The Girls’ love and acceptance were easier to handle because they didn’t know Remus that well. They’d only begun to get close. But James was his best mate. James had known him since that fateful first day of Hogwarts and had been his roommate for five years. Remus could stand the Girls because they didn’t know yet that he didn’t deserve their love. 

 

James knew all of Remus and Remus knew he didn’t deserve James’ friendship because of that. Someone who knew the real him shouldn’t love him. 

 

And Sirius and James were brothers- Remus couldn’t compete with that. Remus knew that he deserved what Sirius gave him. Anyone should be ashamed to love Remus. It was all Remus’ fault and Sirius was the real victim of their relationship. He had been stuck with a monster whose human half was even more pathetic. Once James knew the whole story, he would support Sirius and not him.

 

So no, he couldn’t dare look at James’ eyes. He didn’t think he could handle another person’s love be ripped away from him. But he needed James right now. He wanted to refuse all of them from coming to the Shrieking Shack with him, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew this was going to be a bad transformation and he asked James if he could be nearby to intervene if things went badly. 

 

———

 

“Shit. _Shit._ Remus, wake up. Remus! Moony! Wake up,” a voice pleaded.

 

Burning. Everything was on fire. Remus opened his eyes. A face. Black hair. His eyes closed and a wave of nausea passed through him. His head was spinning, but then he heard laughter. Alice, that was Alice. Remus was okay, he must have crashed at the Girls room last night. He felt the darkness pull him back under.

 

“No, no, no, no Moons open your eyes again. C’mon Moony. C’mon.”

 

But Remus didn’t want to be awake. His eyes opened again, but everything was blurry. A blurry brown. Brown? The Girls’ room wasn’t brown, it was light. Purple and pink and orange… No, focus. He squinted his eyes and saw black hair again. There was no laughter. Alice wasn’t here. But if he wasn’t in the Girl’s room where was he? His body spasmed. Burning. Pain. Everything was on fire. 

 

“Oh thank Merlin. That’s it Moony keep your eyes open. Pomfrey will be here soon, just stay with me, mate. Stay with me.”

 

Pomfrey? Why was she coming? Nausea ripped through him. He tried to sit up or to at least roll onto his side, but his body couldn’t move. He vomited on himself and humiliation came with the sour smell. He slowly started to remember. The full moon and pain and pain and pain. He closed his eyes and began to cry, stuck in a mess of blood and vomit. 

 

“Moony it’s okay,” the voice said again, cracking. “You’re going to be okay.”

 

“No,” Remus choked out, his voice hoarse and barely above a whisper. “Leave me here. No, don’t touch me. GO! Don’t touch me! I deserve this. I deserve this.”

 

Remus choked on his tears and he began gasping, unable to pass air through his lungs. A hand stayed pressed into his arm and a voice demanded for him to breathe, but warm, welcoming darkness tugged at him once again. Remus thought _no, leave me, I deserve this_ but he couldn’t remember why or who he was saying no to. He heard laughing. Alice, that was Alice. Remus was okay, he must have crashed in the Girls’ room last. . . His thoughts were cut off as he passed out.

 

———

 

“I’m not leaving,” James snapped. He stood his ground, meeting Madam Pomfrey’s eyes with a challenging glare. If she didn’t have such a soft spot for Remus she would have thrown him out an hour ago and given him detention for such disrespect.

 

“Fine. You can stay, but only one visitor at a time and you need to leave for meals.”

 

James' body relaxed and he sat back in the chair by the bed. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to be rude. I’m just so…”

 

He swallowed and couldn’t finish the sentence. Madam Pomfrey placed a light hand on his shoulder and gave him the best smile she could manage under the circumstance.

 

“I know. He’s going to be okay.”

 

James nodded, numbly, but it was hard to be soothed when Moony was right there looking like death himself. His head was mostly covered in a turban of bandages and any body part that wasn’t hidden under the blanket was in similar condition. Dark circles clung to the skin under his eyes and his face was ashen, the bright flush gone from the fever that recently broke. Blood matted his hair down and several bottles littered the bedside table. Blood replenishing potion. Wound cleaning potion. Numbing potion. Something for the fever. Potion for dreamless sleep. Calming Draught. Well, James thought sheepishly, the calming draught had been for himself. To be honest, he could do with some more.

 

James’ eyes lingered on Remus’ face once more before he looked away, guilt forming in his stomach. He should have refused to let Remus spend the night alone. He should have come in sooner. His mind flashed with images of the werewolf tearing itself to pieces, as if it could find Remus inside of itself and tear him out. It seemed completely disinterested in escaping or tearing the room up and it only was pulled out of the rage when James tried to intervene as Prongs. James was covered in bruises that he would most definitely feel later after the adrenaline ran out. Fortunately, the werewolf seemed to save its claws for itself. 

 

A shout came from the entry of the infirmary and a whirl of red hair came plummeting toward him. James reacted just in time, grabbing Lily’s arm before she could touch Moony.

 

“Careful!” He quietly shouted. 

 

Lily looked like she wanted to do anything but not touch Moony, but she pulled her arm out of James’ grasp and stayed rooted to her spot. Her eyes roamed over the bed as she lifted a hand to her mouth. James hesitantly took her by the shoulders and pushed her to sit down in the chair. Letting her hand fall to her lap, she opened her mouth to say something- to yell at James or ask how Remus was doing or asking how or why it was this bad, but James didn’t know what she would have said because he blurted out that it was all his fault.

 

And suddenly he was blubbering and James was known as a crier among the marauders but Lily didn't know that and Lily barely knew him but James may be a crier but Remus wasn’t and James had just seen Remus cry and-

 

“I thought I was going to lose him,” he sobbed. “I thought I was just there to watch him bleed out.”

 

———

 

Everyone tried to come but Madam Pomfrey stuck to her rule- only one visitor. Lily wanted that to be her and to be there when Rem woke up, but she let James have that role. He looked like a small child and Lily couldn’t get his anxious face out of her mind. She shooed Dorcas away for the fourth time and lingered in the hallway, wanting to stick around in case Sirius showed up, but he hadn't so far.

 

She’d be angry at him later but right now her body oozed with sick worry over Rem. She’d never seen him in the hospital after the full moon because that was a marauder’s tradition and it made her feel like she was intruding on something special. Maybe it would have been easier to handle seeing him so broken if she’d visited him after past moons, but she doubted anything would make this easier, judging by James’ reaction.

 

It was half an hour after lunch when there was a hitch in the rhythmic breathing. James was nursing a stomach ache from shoveling food down his throat so he could run back up here, but that was instantly forgotten as he perked up, dragging the chair closer to the bed.

 

“M’Jay… jay. Mm,” Remus murmured. “Jamie?”

 

“Yes! Yes, that’s me!” James reached out, but pulled his hand back, afraid to hurt Remus in some way. “I’m right here, Moons.”

 

Remus’ face contorted in pain before he willed it to go slack and James knew Moony was doing it on purpose to play down the severity. A green eye, still a bit amber-ish, cracked open.

 

“Hm, the outside finally reflects the in,” Remus rasped, his voice going in and out.

 

“What?” 

 

Another eye popped open and Remus managed to turn his head more to look at James’ incredulous face. 

 

“You look like shit, Prongs.”

 

Maybe it was the exhaustion or James was going mad from all the anxiety or maybe it was just that it was Moony, because laughter burst from James. And he wanted to tell Moony that he was nothing in comparison to him and he wanted to tell Moony so many things and ask so many questions but the laughter didn’t stop. The relief poured out of him and he thought maybe he was crying a bit too, but he didn’t know because it was okay. Moony was okay and they were okay. Moony called him Jamie again and looked him in the eyes and he could feel them fall back into place and it was going to be okay.

 

Watching James laugh, Remus cracked a smile before closing his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't read over this a lot so sorry if there's mistakes! I have to get on a six hour bus in 5 min. I was going to have this be longer, but I thought it was nice to stop here and put the rest in the next chapter. Sorry if it's short, I got a little carried away writing down an idea for a wolfstar one shot that quickly turned into a 3,000 word story...  
> More Sirius and the Girls in the next chap.


	7. You Deserve The Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus-Sirius conflict, phase 2 is in the works, and James is determined to pamper.

“Too bad they couldn’t heal that one on your neck.”

 

Remus nearly toppled over as he pulled his sock on. His stomach was sent in a flurry at the sound of Sirius’ morning voice. He didn’t know if the touch of nausea came from post-full moon symptoms.

 

“What?” He managed to spit out, not following the comment at all. It was the first thing Sirius had said to him since he returned from the hospital. Actually, the first thing he’d said to him since Agnus. 

 

“Your scar.” Sirius shouldered his bag on and gestured to Remus’ neck that showcased his newest full moon souvenir. “It’s a shame really. Not sure how many girls will be fawning over you when they see that.”

 

And with that Sirius flipped his hair and slinked out of the dormitory. 

 

———

 

Alice huffed for the third time in two minutes. 

 

“Care to be a useful person and actually help me? This plant’s about to chop my left pinky off.”

 

“Shut up Marls.”

 

“You tell her Al,” Dorcas called from behind.

 

Marlene threw a dirty look over her shoulder. “You don’t even know what we’re talking about, do you?”

 

“Nope,” She popped the p. “But I’m always on board with whoever’s pissed at you.”

 

“I’ll show you pissed, buck-toothed floozy.”

 

Dorcas held up her pruning clippers, squeezing it twice; _click click_. “Bring it, walking cauliflower.”

 

“McKinnon! Meadows! Five points each and next time I hear either of you talk it will be 10 points each from Gryffindor.”

 

The Slytherins snickered and the two girls threw their professor the best innocent look they could manage, mumbling sorry. 

 

Ten minutes passed before Lily leaned forward and whispered, asking what Alice was huffing over anyway.

 

“Remus,” Alice said from the corner of her mouth. She was the master of getting away with talking in class. “Something’s up.”

 

“Yeah, well, he wasn’t in the infirmary for three nights because he was feeling dandy.”

 

“I know that,” Alice snapped, getting frustrated.

 

“Ignore Dorky. I was thinking the same thing. He’s hiding something.”

 

“Skipped breakfast, refuses to sit near us, keeps holding his neck,” Marls added.

 

Lily hummed, thinking. “He’s trying to hide the new scar.”

 

Alice and Dorcas finished writing down the last of their observations, saying “we’re on it” ten feet away from each other, without so much as sharing a look.

 

———

 

Sirius’ inner Padfoot growled as he watched Prongs throw a ball of paper at the back of his Remmy’s head in Herbology. He clenched his jaw when his Remmy unfolded it and threw a smile and an eye roll at James.

 

Severus watched Black with a certain glee, happy that while his original plan didn’t work out, Sirius went and fucked it up more himself. 

 

“Trouble in paradise?”

 

Sirius’ body went still, but he waited until after class when everyone was walking ahead to deliver a pus-squirting hex. For the first time in two weeks, Sirius had an extra bounce in his step as he walked away from Snape, whose nose was gushing yellow goo. 

 

———

 

Remus exited the Great Hall looking more than a little flustered and confused.

 

Lily narrowed her eyes at Dorky and Al as they rejoined them at the table. “Do I even want to know?”

 

“You’re very welcome.”

 

“If you don’t want the details, that’s fine by us, right Dorky?”

 

“Right you are, Al.”

 

“I guess we’ll just have to be the ones plotting Black’s death.”

 

“Fuckin’ shit,” Marls spat, pieces of bread flying out of her mouth as she rolled her eyes. “Jus’ ge’ on wif’ it and spill the ‘eans.”

 

Lily smacked the back of Marlene’s head and motioned for the two girls to go on.

 

“It was like wrestling a hippogriff for a feather from its back leg, mind you. Remus is back to Remus being all ‘oh nothing is wrong’ ‘oh, I’m fine.’- ”

 

“ ‘Oh I have no idea what you’re talking about’,” Alice added with a rather mediocre imitation of Rem’s _everything-that-comes-out-of-my-mouth-is-complete-and-utter-bullshit_ voice.

 

“But we pushed-”

 

“And pushed-”

 

“And pushed some more-”

 

“BLOODY HELL DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S WRONG OR NOT?”

 

Alice and Dorcas shared a patronizing look.

 

“Well, Sirius talked to Rem for the first time this morning,”

 

“When Pettigrew and Potter had left the room, that sneaky bastard,”

 

“He basically told Rem that his neck scar is repulsive and girls won’t find it attractive,”

 

“So now not only is Rem sick and barely recovered,”

 

“Nauseous and in pain every movement he makes,”

 

“With his self-esteem at its lowest as it usually is after you-know-what,”

 

“Now he’s even more self-conscious and depressed,”

 

“And don’t forget about how he’s having flashes about insults Sirius has said in the past around people he thought were checking Rem out,”

 

“So basically now he’s just feeling like one huge pile of shit,”

 

“Physically and emotionally,”

 

“And a continuous pile of shit is pouring all over him.”

 

“Are you idiots finally finished?”

 

Dorcas and Alice furrowed their brows, thinking before shaking their heads. Lily’s face was stained in dark red anger, a look that James knew all too well. Marlene was leaning back, inspecting her nails. Looking back and forth between the two, Dorcas and Alice began to have quite sinister looks on their faces. An angry Lily and a too-calm Marlene only meant one thing.

 

———

 

“Moooooony.”

 

A deep sigh. “Yes, Prongs?”

 

“I love you.”

 

———

 

“We can do even better.” Lily beckoned the girls to come closer, showing the spell in the book she was flipping through. They sat on Lily’s bed now that the room was back in order, still slightly sweaty from running here after their last class.

 

Dorcas kissed the back of Lily’s head. “I knew we kept you around for some reason.”

 

———

 

“MOONY!”

 

“You love me?”

 

“Actually I was going to say that you deserve the moon, Moony.”

 

“Thanks, Jamie.”

 

And if James heard the heavy coat of sarcasm he chose to ignore it or didn't care because he whistled as he walked back to his game of exploding snap with Pete.

 

———

 

Sirius wondered if this was how his Moony felt before the full moon, bones aching and screeching with every movement. Feeling faint standing up. Occasionally dry heaving over the toilet. 

 

Sirius wondered how long his body could go without his Remmy. He was 97.625% sure that this was more painful than going without water or food.

 

Sirius didn’t have to wonder why he hadn’t given in yet. If there was one thing that everyone should know about Sirius Black, it’s that he is not weak.

 

But what is Remus’ reason for not coming back to him?

 

———

 

“Hey Agnus! What’s up! Oh, _I’m swell_ thank you for asking. I just wanted to ask you a quick question. Did you know…”

 

———

 

Remus poured himself into homework. He still had a lot to make up for the Monday he missed while his concussion was healing.

 

Frank tried to sit by him in the library to keep him company, but Remus politely refused, saying he wanted to be alone. Frank almost sat there stubbornly anyway, but if Remus actually had the nerve to say no to someone, that meant serious business. Hopefully not Sirius business, Frank thought. 

 

Remus groaned when he was alone again, dropping his hand down from his neck. All day he had been on edge trying to cover it up. Every hushed conversation or giggle he heard in the corridors or class, he automatically assumed it was because of him. He was considering having his mum send his turtlenecks, but that would prompt questions. Remus was already dealing with a protective mother bear and he had no interest in waking up another from hibernation.

 

———

 

James’ wand let out a banshee wail and his head shot up to check the clock on the wall. He chastised himself for not paying attention to the time. Demanding Peter to tell him where Moony went off, he made a dash for the library.

 

It was time for the hourly give-Moony-love-so-he’ll-stop-being-a-git-and-realize-he’s-magnificent.

 

———

 

Sirius may or may not have stolen the map so Prongs couldn’t find Remmy during compliment hour.

 

Sirius may or may not have punched a wall when his plan failed due to Prongs’ innate mother’s ability to always find his children.

 

Sirius may or may not have had to go to the hospital wing because he broke his wrist from said punching.

 

———

 

At this point, Remus had stopped trying to hide away when he heard that bloody alarm. He knew it was a losing battle after he tried to escape Prongs by taking a shower.

 

That led to a high-pitched squeal and a very embarrassed Remus clutching a towel to cover his body while James looked deeply into his eyes from the doorway and said very gravely, “Remus you are so adorable that everyone is dying because they have to be around you while not being able to cuddle you to death.”

 

———

 

“So far I’ve got Mary, Florence, that sixth year Hufflepuff, Bertha, Esperanza (such a sweetheart), Dianne, and Rida.”

 

“Plus the two Slytherins you spoke to earlier.”

 

“That’s quite a lineup, good job ladies! And no Frank, this is girls only. Al, make your boyfriend leave.”

 

“Piss off darling.”

 

——— 

 

Remus tossed and turned throughout the night, his racing thoughts keeping him from blissful sleep. Sirius watched him, unable to rest while his Moony was in distress.

 

Remus knew Black was awake. It wasn’t a conscious thought; his bones just knew. Whenever Remus had nightmares or couldn’t sleep Black would climb into bed with him and spoon him until he fell asleep. Of course, then he’d move back into his own bed so Jamie and Pete would never know. Black was staying silent and Remus’ bones knew he was pretending that he didn’t know Remus was awake.

 

With a huff, Remus lied on his back and stared at the ceiling that was too dark to be seen. Running a finger over the jagged, protruding scar on his neck, he spoke up before the words even registered in his head.

 

“Did you ever love me?”

 

Sirius’ heart constricted at the way Remus asked. It was a rhetorical question that Remus obviously thought he knew the answer to. Sirius’ mouth was battling his brain to open and comfort his love, but instead Sirius noisily turned on his side, facing away from Remus. 

 

———

 

The next morning the boys woke up to a shouting declaration of “I’M AN ASSHOLE!”

 

James toppled out of his bed with a surprised shriek, Remus perked up with a wild mess of hair and a slightly hopeful expression, and Peter was shielding his face with his arms.

 

Struggling to get out of his blanket, James was the first to speak.

 

“Wha’ in the bloody hell was that?”

 

“I’M AN ASSHOLE!”

 

Sirius yanked at his hair, his expression furious.

 

“That’s kind of old news,” Peter piped up, hands still covering his face.

 

“I’M AN ASSHOLE!”

 

James and Remus made eye contact, both of them biting their lips.

 

“I’M AN ASSHOLE!”

 

Remus tried to conceal a snort, but at the sound of it James doubled over in laughter, tripping on his blanket and falling onto the floor once again. It wasn’t long before Pete joined in.

 

“Who-who hexed y-you?” James asked between gasps.

 

“I’M AN ASSHOLE!” Sirius stomped his foot.

 

Chuckles bubbled out of Remus and it was the best he'd felt in days. It was like a huge gust of wind blew threw him, taking away all the piles of dirty leaves and cobwebs.

 

The whole commotion was interrupted by a large _beep-beep_ coming from James’ bedside table. Pete groaned from across the room.

 

“Mooooonnnny I love you, Pete loves you-”

 

“No I don’t!”

 

“Piss off Pete! Moony, the world loves you, I love you, all the little baby butterflies love you, and you’re even more lovely when you’re laughing.”

 

“I’M AN ASSHOLE! I’M AN ASSHOLE! I’M AN ASSHOLE!”

 

“Thank you, Jamie,” Remus practically sang, actually meaning it this time. As he got dressed, he couldn’t stop beaming. He hardly felt a twinge of pain as he walked to breakfast. 

 

———

 

“Shit act natural.”

 

“Calm down, it’s just Rem. He definitely already knows we did this, plus he looks like sunshine is coming out of his arse.”

 

“Yeah, but he doesn’t know that this is just the beginning of it.”

 

“Marls! Wipe that creepy face off! You’re going to make him think we’re plotting Black’s murder.”

 

“Well…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't post on Wednesday! I had a little emergency, but all's well now. Had a lot of fun writing this one, hope it was alright that it jumped around a bit. 
> 
> If you have any suggestions or things you'd like to see (like more Girls or more James & Remus or more Sirius-Remus interaction) I'm always open to hear! Might not fit into what I planned, but this story is very flexible : )
> 
> More Remus-Sirius coming soon


	8. How Dare You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phase 2 continues and Sirius is a ticking time bomb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes, I'll go over this in the morning.
> 
> **See end notes if you're triggered by violence.**

Remus reclaimed his spot among the Girls, yanking James along with him. There was a brief pause, which to James felt like an eternity, where the Girls went completely silent and stared at him with piercing eyes. In sync, their eyes snapped away as they began bickering and eating again. Remus clapped him on the back.

 

“You’re approved,” he whispered. James perked up, a dopey smile gracing his face as he glanced at Lily.

 

“For now,” Remus added with a curl to his lips.

 

James scowled and shoved him. All eyes snapped to him again, blazing, until Remus playfully hit him on the head with a spoon. 

 

James saw Remus’ point.

 

Peter sat nearby, but a good, cautious six feet away. He gave a half wave, but the Girls didn’t spare him a glance.

 

“I’M AN ASSHOLE!”

 

Sirius threw daggers with his eyes at James. He stomped past them to sit next to a fourth year boy who idolized him and James. 

 

One would think you’d get tired of something so simple and repetitive. That person obviously has never met Sirius Black, the boy who has gathered more than a few enemies and ruffled some feathers and has never backed down or apologized, even when it was clear he knew he was wrong. Anyone at Hogwarts could sit for a few hours listening to the beautiful, broken record of I’M AN ASSHOLE. 

 

———

 

James was starting to get a clearer idea of what was going on. He had figured out pretty quickly a week and a half ago that this all had to do with Sirius. Then after the full moon where Rem insisted he deserved pain- James could hardly think about it- he realized Sirius had to have done something really fucked up. But what did he do? How could he have he angered the Girls this much? Obviously, James was getting the picture that the Girls, Lily especially, were becoming increasingly protective, but it seemed they had the reason to be. How could a fuck-up of this proportion have slipped past James’ notice?

 

“Mr. Black, what did I just say ten minutes ago? Ten points from Gryffindor.”

 

In their earlier class, the professor had reacted the same. He didn’t believe the insistent claims that it was hex; Sirius was too notorious as a troublemaker and known for disrupting class. After class, the professor even came up to James and congratulated him for maturing and not getting caught in the mischief with Sirius. McGonagall, on the other hand, appeared to be thinking the same, but James knew better. He had spent way too much time with her over the past five years to not catch her micro-expressions. She was still deducting house points, but James caught the occasional twinkling in her eyes and James swore he saw her wink at Remus three minutes ago. 

 

As points were take away, Sirius’ declarations became less and less frequent, which seemed to make him angrier and angrier. The first five minutes that passed without the word asshole slipping out of his mouth and allowed him to say what he actually meant to say lured everyone into believing the hex was over. But then it would come back suddenly and everyone watched as Sirius relaxed again and again before tensing up when he realized it wasn’t over yet. At this point he was twitchy, on edge over when I’M AN ASSHOLE would reemerge. In five minutes? Seven? Thirteen? Was it finally over?

 

“Excellent explanation Ms. Evans, five points.”

 

James watched Lily politely smile back as Marlene clapped her hand under their desk. She’d been gathering points all morning to counter the ones taken away by Sirius. Her intelligence was an unbreakable force.

 

It was the best day, James decided, for Moony was exuberant and he got to hear to Lily-flower’s sweet voice ten times more than usual. 

 

———

 

The first one happened right as they walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts. Bertha, a Hufflepuff in their grade, slapped Sirius with an astounding amount of force at the entry way and huffed, pushing her way into the room.

 

A silence swept over the room, no one wanting to look at Sirius’ face and attract his attention. Sirius usually found no reason for picking fights when he was bored and when he was angry…

 

The second one was by Rida, a Ravenclaw, in the middle of a crowded corridor between classes. 

 

“How dare you!” She exclaimed before whipping her hair over her shoulder and striding away. A few whispers started.

 

———

 

“Did you see his cheek? There’s indents from Rida’s long nails. Ouch.”

 

“Do you think we’re going too hard on him?”

 

They looked at Remus, who was chattering away to James, making grand gestures with his hands.

 

“Absolutely not.”

 

———

 

As people piled into the Great Hall for lunch, two girls walked from opposite ends of the Gryffindor table towards each other. No one paid attention at first, except for a few people wondering what two Slytherins were doing so close to their table. 

 

Every house’s attention was grabbed at the sound of a resounding _smack_ , like a bad bellyflop on the Great Lake’s surface.

 

“You bastard!” Lucinda said, just loud enough for everyone to hear. She shoved him backward, lifting a hand to her forehead as if she couldn’t bare to look at him.

 

As he stumbled back, Emma grabbed his shoulder and spun him to face her.

 

“I can’t believe you!” _Smack._

 

The two Slytherins then linked arms, holding their heads up high as they walked away.

 

_———_

 

“Wow, Slytherins really go all out, don’t they?”

 

“I told you this wasn’t complete without Em and Luc.”

 

———

 

As soon as Sirius’ stomps left the hall, the tables burst in whispers that weren’t as hushed.

 

“-serves him right- ”

 

“-Bertha, I understood. Rida was a little weird. But now a Slytherin, _two_ Slytherins? Man, what I would do to know- ”

 

“-I’m so glad I didn’t miss this one!-”

 

“-lucky bitch, you’ve seen each slap-”

 

“-I heard he gave each of them a ring, promising they were each his only love-”

 

“-well J told me that Black been’s going around bragging about how they’re all awful kissers-”

 

“-and that no one could ever be deserving of his royal highness-”

 

_———_

 

“I’M AN ASSHOLE!”

 

_Smack._

 

———

 

“Damn, Dianne has good timing.”

 

“I told you the hex is so much better like this. I think he finally thought it had ended. Double whammy, sweetie.”

 

———

 

“HOLY SHIT. Did Esperanza just punch him?”

 

Esperanza winked as she skipped past them. “It’s called improvising.”

 

“I think I’m in love.”

 

“Fuck off, you know I have dibs on Raz.”

 

———

 

Sirius hadn’t been slapped in over an hour (the last one was that sixth year from Hufflepuff. What was with all these Hufflepuffs?? Isn’t their house supposed to be spineless dummies?).

 

The end of dinner was wrapping up and Sirius growled at anyone who dared to approach him to ask him what he had done. He bitterly considered stuffing his ears with the strawberry tarts to block out the melodious laugh of Moony coming from down the table.

 

There were murmurs of disappointment as the students left for their common rooms, some lingering in the hall to make sure there was no grand finale of more slaps.

 

Sirius stormed up the staircases, snapping out “butterbeer” to the Fat Lady.

 

He barely entered the room before the Girls were on him so fast he couldn’t even take in what happened. 

 

Alice, “You,”

 

Dorcas, “are,”

 

Marlene, “an,”

 

“ASSHOLE.”

 

Lily wound her arm back before delivering the final blow. There was a reason why she got to say the last word.

 

———

 

No one said anything to Sirius as he held his swelling cheek, stumbling up the stairs.

 

The Gryffindors had no idea what was going on, but if the Girls were a part of it, they knew to stay out of it.

 

The respect in the air for the four girls was palpable.

 

———

 

Sirius pretended he wasn’t watching Prongs and Moony joking around as they wrote their Potions essays. Together. On Prongs’ small bed.

 

Sirius pretended he didn’t notice that James and Remus passed out next to each other on accident. 

 

Sirius pretended he could make it through the night without making a commotion.

 

———

 

 

At first, Remus thought James was wiggling over to cuddle, affectionate even in his sleep, but then the arm around is bicep snatched him out of bed, not too gently.

 

“We need to talk.”

 

Remus tried to pull out of the grip and move away, but he nearly fell onto the ground before cold arms wrapped around him and held him against a chest. The room spun and tilted and Remus felt like he couldn’t move his body. He mentally slapped his brain over and over, yelling wake up, wake up, but it seemed to linger in his previous dream about yellow elephants and a shaved stag with Christmas lights.

 

Remus vaguely acknowledged he was being half-carried down stairs and his brain finally pointed out the obvious fact:

 

_Sirius._ No, Black. Black. Remus’ eyes widened and he pushed himself away from the beating heart of Black. They fact that they were in the common room, alone, did not help.

 

Several emotions swirled inside Remus, ones of darks reds and browns and blacks and grays, but still some hints of yellow and blue-gray. Stupid fucking blue-gray. Stupid fucking blue-grey, his half-dead mind repeated to him in a cloying chant. 

 

Sirius’ chest felt scorched from where Moony had placed his hands and shoved him. Instinctively, his eyes roamed the room for anybody who could be hiding. Good. Now Sirius can finally do what he’s been wanting for two weeks with no fear of anybody knowing.

 

“What the _fuck_ have you been doing?”

 

Moony’s surprised eyes met his and his lanky body fell back onto the couch. He pulled a leg up to wrap his arms around. Sirius’ stomach flipped, but he reminded himself of his throbbing cheek.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You know what I mean, _Remus_.”

 

Moony leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

 

“No, I don’t know,” he murmured. “You haven’t spoken to me in weeks.”

 

Sirius’ eyes watched Moony’s Adam’s apple bob. He shook his head.

 

“Neither have you!”

 

A mocking smile formed on Moony’s face, but he kept his eyes shut.

 

“Might want to be quieter, you could wake someone up. And you wouldn’t want that, would you?”

 

Remus didn’t have to open his eyes to know Black’s hands were curled into fists and his teeth were clenched tight. He waited for Black to slump onto the couch cushion beside him. Black did. Remus took a second to reposition himself, pressing himself further away and into the armrest. He let the thick silence continue for a minute, acting like he expected Black to say something.

 

“Mm,” Remus hummed. “S’what I thought. You didn’t want to be linked to me.”

 

Moony lifted his head and turned dark green eyes onto him, searching Sirius’ face. Sirius restrained himself from gulping or flinching. Moony never acted like this toward him. They hardly ever fought and it was never intense. Of course Moony would be hurting from something insignificant that Sirius had done, but he usually melted at a gentle touch. Sirius considered resting his arm on the back of the couch, over his Remmy, but he was still too angry and he didn’t think Moony deserved to be off the hook already.

 

“You humiliated me,” Sirius hissed. “Now everyone knows something’s up and everyone’s gossiping to know why a dozen fucking women slapped me. No girl will come within ten feet of me! How the hell do you think I’m going to keep this cover up? If I can’t flirt with girls, then everyone… everyone will know… they’ll all… know.”

 

Remus’ expression softened for half a second. Black’s rant had ended in a quiet, broken mumble. Black stared at the air above Remus’ right shoulder, which Remus always knew was his default when he couldn’t meet someone in the eyes. The embers of the fire cast flickering shadows on the profile of his face.

 

“They’re not going to know.” Remus bit back the _Pads_ that his mouth so cruelly wanted to tack on. “All they’ll think is that you’re a manwhore who’s pissed off several girls. The Girls- er, Marlene, Alice, Lily, and Dorcas- specifically used several women from all houses. No one is going to connect it to my big change. Peter hasn’t even connected the dots and he actually knows that er, M, A, L, and D are out for revenge.”

 

Shoulders dropping, Sirius let out a few ragged breaths. He throws himself into the experience of his insides untwisting and relaxing as they return to a normal he hadn’t felt in forever. He forgot this feeling. How right it felt. How _him_ it felt. He breathed in the ever so faint smell of peppermints and chocolate. This was his Remmy. This is how they did things. Forgiveness and comfort.

 

“You know… that’s not what this is about. I’d never, ever reveal that you’re,” Remus paused and whispered even softer, “gay.”

 

Remus’ eyes ran over the slight crook in Sirius’ nose, the short ebony eyelashes that effortless curled, the ivory skin that almost had a silvery tint, as if it was the inside of that shiny seashell Sirius once gave him. He continued on.

 

“That’s never what I wanted. I’ve never pushed you to come out. I know how difficult it’s been with your parents, more than anyone else knows. I know the hell you would get from Slytherins if you did and I would never forgive myself for putting that on you. I only ever wanted you to tell James. He’s our mate. He wouldn’t disown us. He’d be happy for us, Sirius, and he would never tell anyone else. I just wanted you to stop flirting with girls and realize you didn’t have to. To see that no one cared if you cuddled me from time to time. James has practically cuddled the whole Gryffindor house, for godsakes, and they all know he’s straight as an arrow.”

 

Remus took a shuddering breath. “But you’ve made your point clear. I’m a dirty little secret that you should be ashamed of for even mentioning me as a friend.”

 

Sirius’s body couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t handle the break in Moony’s voice or how shattered his face was. He sat up, inching forward and leaning over his Remmy’s face.

 

“No, no Remmy, that’s not how it is. No, please don’t cry, baby. Everything’s okay, shhh.”

 

Sirius laid a gentle hand on his face and Remus jerked away, his breath hitching.

 

“I’m not crying. I don’t cry in front of you.”

 

“Remmy, it’s okay to cry. Just let me hold you.”

 

“No! Stop it! I don’t cry in front of you because I hate it. I fucking hate it. You never cry over me, you never have.”

 

Sirius didn’t like tears. He didn’t like the wetness and sticky and no one ever looked pretty crying. His parents never let him cry and he’s glad for that. But he could stand it for his Remmy, he needed to soften himself so Remmy would come back to him quicker. He wrapped his arms around his Remmy’s torso, pinning his arms down and carried him into his lap. He was met with an instant struggle and an elbow crashed into a rib, causing his arms to fall way so Moony could spring out.

 

“S-stop it! Don’t touch me.” Moony’s breaths were coming out fast and reckless. “I’m sick of this, stop doing this to me. St-stop it. I can’t handle this anymore, I can’t.”

 

Rubbing his stinging rib, Sirius stood up as fire curled in the pit of his stomach.

 

“You’re being over dramatic, Remmy- ”

 

“Don’t call me that!”

 

“ _Then stop being a child!_ I’ll call you whatever I want because you’re mine. You’re _my_ Remmy.”

 

Moony stepped forward and pushed Sirius back with so much force, he stumbled back three steps. 

 

“I am _not_ yours,” he growled out. “Stop calling me Remmy and leave me alone, Black. This is over. You _cheated_ on me,” Remus' voice broke. "You kissed her right in front of me."

 

Sirius’ hands clenched and the blood rushing in his ears was screaming, unable to process the words. He stepped forward, getting up in Moony’s face, chest to chest. He hated the height difference between them, the fact Moony had to look down at him.

 

“What are you saying, you’re dumping me?” He laughed humorously. “I don’t know if anyone told you, but you have to be dating to be able to dump someone. There was never anyone for me to have cheated on.”

 

Sneering as he saw Remus’ sink into himself, his shoulder hunching in, Sirius ignored his pounding heart that cursed him for everything that came out of his mouth. _What are you doing! This is Remmy! You don’t get satisfied from hurting him! That’s only for people like Bellatrix or Snivellus! Not Remmy!_ But nothing could stop him when he got in these moods.

 

“You’re calling me Black now? Good. I’d never want some little fuck saying my name.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

It was said so soft, but firm. 

 

“THAT’S ENOUGH!”

 

Sirius froze, turning to the source of the scream. Fiery blue eyes locked him in a burning gaze. Taking a step back, he realized that his hand was raised in the air. _Oh my god._ No, that’s not what was going to happen. He would never do that! They came in at the wrong time. He would never touch Moony like that!

 

A flurry of movement made Sirius see that there was someone else. _Shit._

 

“Ally, sweetheart, I got this.” Frank held Alice back, who was thrashing in his arms.

 

“No, I’m going to fucking kill him Frank! Let me at him! Where’s my wand? Give me my wand Frank!”

 

Frank whispered something in her ear, that caused her to go still at once and slip out of his arms. Sirius watched her scoop Moony up. At any other time the sight would have been funny, a tiny Alice herding a giant Remus. But right now, a surge of possessiveness rippled through him.

 

“Don’t you dare move. You better thank your stars that I’m the one handling you. I’m not going to stoop to your level and do something like _slap you_.”

 

“I wasn’t going to hit him! Don’t put your nose in other people’s business,” Sirius snarled.

 

Frank picked him off the ground as if he weighed nothing.

 

“When you fuck with the people I care about, it becomes my fucking business. Unlike some people, I protect those that I love. Don’t you ever think of stepping towards the Girls’ or Remus ever again.”

 

Frank threw him onto the ground and then clutched the back of Sirius’ shirt, hauling him up the stairs. Once in the dormitory, Frank shoved Sirius into James’ bed.

 

James awoke in panic, thinking that Rem had had a nightmare and was convulsing in his sleep. James’ eyes flew open to be met by a seething Frank.

 

“Get a leash for your dog.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for physical abuse: Sirius is slapped several times throughout the day. Near the end, someone acts as if they're going to slap someone in a darker situation, where the intent is to harm them for not being submissive.
> 
> \----
> 
>  
> 
> Frank's fucking savage and I love it.


	9. Liked What You Saw?

After that, things died down a bit. The Girls were still guilt-ridden about how phase two ended on such a dangerous note, but Remus constantly reassured them that it was fine. The prank gave him an odd sense of closure, it wasn’t a sincere apology and Black obviously didn’t think he was an asshole, but it was still nice to hear the words in his voice. The slaps weren’t a smug satisfaction, because he would never wish pain on Black, but it was nice for someone to finally call him on his bullshit. He had hoped that it would knock sense into Black and make him see what was going on. Knock him down a few pegs into maturity. 

 

Remus said he would only say this once and he wanted the Girls to listen closely: the conversation with Black was inevitable. It was for the best, probably, for Black to break and confront him. It was coming regardless of the slaps and better sooner than later. He had hoped it would have gone different, but he wasn’t that surprised about how it went down. It helped him to finally make his way towards acceptance that Black was not going to redeem himself, at least not in the near future. Remus couldn’t wait and cling on to the _what ifs_.

 

The Girls tried to ask about the almost-slap, but Remus refused, reminding them he wasn’t going to say anything more about that night. Alice, Dorcas, and Marlene wanted to push it, but they knew when to back off and respected any boundary that Remus set.

 

Lily, with her freakish twin connection, seemed to understand everything without understanding anything. She didn’t say a word, only placed a light hand on his arm and guided him to her bed. She set her pillows up in a line to split the bed in half because she knew how Remus liked small touches and light affections, but too much body contact freaked him out. She watched him curl up under the sheets and waited until he fell asleep. She stayed awake for an extra twenty minutes, checking his breathing and pulling the blanket back up when he kicked it off. When she finally laid down, she set her arm on top of the pillow barrier in case Remus woke up suddenly and needed to hold her hand for comfort.

 

The weeks went by and the Girls ignored Sirius. Not in a purposeful way that was meant to show him that they still hated him, but in a way that they didn’t care anymore. Sirius almost wanted them to do something, to yell at him or cut his robes up. He couldn’t stand the inattention. The whispers in the corridors about the Great Slapping Incident fell away as homework stacked up and studying for O.W.L.s became frantic. 

 

Remus was in his prime, the studying lulling him into warm, familiar state. 

 

——— 

 

“Reeeeemuss.”

 

Remus tapped his chin with his finger, as if he was contemplating the next sentence to write when he, in fact, knew what he was going to say for the next whole paragraph.

 

“Rem-bear.”

 

“Muffin-flower.”

 

“Pooky-kins.”

 

“Sugarbaby.”

 

Rolling his eyes, Remus caved in. “What?”

 

“Help me with this question with your magical, clever, genius, splendid, beautiful, intelligent brainy-ness.”

 

“You’re such a suck-up.”

 

“I prefer the term natural charmer.”

 

Remus kicked Frank’s shin under the table, but grabbed his parchment and glanced at the question.

 

“Leeches and billywig sting.”

 

Frank quickly scribbled it down and then snapped his Potions book shut, shoving the parchment into his bag. The librarian grunted a “sh!”.

 

Frank wandered about the library, pulling out books at random. He eventually settled on Defense Against the Dark Arts book. They sat together in amiable silence. Frank, being a sixth year, had no urgency to study until next year with the N.E.W.T.s. After about thirty-five minutes, Frank began to frequently glance up at Remus from behind the book. After ten minutes, Remus sighed, meeting Frank’s eyes with an expectant look.

 

“Did you know your face is full of scars?”

 

Remus snorted. “No, really?”

 

“You’re welcome. What would you do without me to give you such fabulous insight?”

 

“Probably fall into the lake and drown.”

 

Remus went back to reading, only having six more pages left. The thing he liked about Frank was that they could sit together in long silences comfortably. All their conversations were light-hearted and Remus didn’t have to stress about how to respond. Frank never made things deep unless Remus was okay with it.

 

“I was just joking, of course you have scars. I was just thinking about a friend of mine. . .”

 

Frank paused, acting nonchalant, ready to end the conversation if Remus didn’t want to have it. 

 

Remus flipped to the next page, considering. He decided it was alright because he’d been thinking about something for a few weeks.

 

“You know I’m gay, don’t you?”

 

“Yes,” Frank said as if he was talking about what he had for breakfast, like it was the most normal thing in the world. He looked a little sheepish when he added that he hoped that was alright, he didn’t want to intrude on Remus’ privacy and he swore he never asked Alice for details, not that she would give them to him.

 

“No, it’s fine. I don’t mind at all actually. I was just. . . you’ve seen, er… us before, haven’t you? Me and. . .”

 

“Black?”

 

Remus nodded his head. He liked that Frank never gave him any pitying looks.

 

“A few times. You weren’t the only couple to sneak out of bed at night for a little adventure.”

 

“Gross Frank!” Remus scrunched his nose. “Al is basically my sister.”

 

Frank laughed. “You’re telling me, an insanely affectionate and lovey-dovey Black was not something I ever wanted to see. Still see it in my nightmares sometimes.”

 

Remus kicked Frank’s shin again, this time the other one to make it even, but the words didn’t sting at all.

 

“Anyway,” Frank went on, hunching down to rub his leg. “I have this friend.”

 

“Yes, you’ve said so already.”

 

“Snarky little shit. Fuck, what did my shin ever do to you? Merlin. Okay, back to the point, I have this friend.”

 

“Frank, if you’re doing what I think you’re doing, I have no interest.”

 

Frank waved his hands, shaking his head. “No, no, I’m not an idiot. I’m not trying to set you up. I just thought maybe it would be nice for you to talk to someone else who might understand better than we can. S’only a light suggestion. No pressure.”

 

“I don’t know… you know I don’t like meeting new people.”

 

“Don’t worry about that, I’m so smooth you won’t even realize you’re best friends until you make eye contact with me in the corner of the room and see that I’ve orchestrated it all flawlessly.”

 

Remus makes a “pfft” sound. “Not even Al thinks you’re smooth.”

 

Remus turned back to his book. Without any disappointment, Frank flipped through some pages.

 

Not looking up, Remus mumbled, “I’ll think about it. No getting your hopes up, though. I’m happy how I am.”

 

Frank smiled and nodded his head. They slipped back into quiet until Frank bolted up, telling him that he just had the funniest thought and needed to tell Ally immediately. Remus shook his head, chuckling softly.

 

It wasn’t until the next night that he laid in bed and realized Frank never told him the name of his friend.

 

———

 

James was doing the best he could. He was using both his hands and legs to keep all the strings from breaking away. This was family. He adored his parents, but nothing was complete without his three marauders. They’ve been thick as thieves since the second they met on the train. 

 

James would like to think that he was the glue of the group and most people definitely thought so, probably including Wormy and Pads. But the truth was it had always been Moony. Patient, kind Moony knitting them all together, being the solid ground beneath their feet, defusing tension with a sarcastic response. 

 

He could never have imagined that this was where things would end up. There was no mother’s handbook on how to handle family feuds- he knows, he checked the library. Morally and emotionally, James was inclined toward Moony. He wished he could wash away Rem’s pain and apologize on behalf of Padfoot. It was clear cut that Sirius was in the murky waters of the wrong. 

 

But Sirius was his brother. He spent more weeks at James’ house in the summer than not. He wanted to be harder on Padfoot, but he could see how hard this was on him. He was still an idiot and most likely deserved all the shit that the Girls had given him, maybe even deserved a bit more, but at the end of the day, he was James’ idiot. After Agnus broke things off with him (was there even a “thing” between them anyways?), James’ resolve shattered. 

 

That didn’t mean it didn’t still feel wrong. Remus pulled him aside to say that it was okay, someone needed to look after Sirius, but James still was torn up. He wanted to be both of their best mates, but he didn’t know how. Remus had always been better at handling things on his own and James didn’t have to fret over him as much, especially with his growing support team. 

 

Padfoot, on the other hand, was a wreck at handling emotions. He just pushed it deep, deep down and even believed himself that he wasn’t upset. It was no easy job, that’s for sure, to try and help him. James had resorted to staying out later and later on the field after Quidditch practice with Pads. Pushing himself physically released aggression and calmed him down enough to go back to normal and be playful with James.

 

But was James doing the right thing?

 

———

 

“Pete?”

 

Peter glanced up from his bed where he was writing a letter to his mum. Sirius was lying on his back, flicking his wand back and forth, causing his curtains to be covered in slashes and then pulled back together and then slashes once more. The two other beds were vacant, Prongs and Moony off somewhere. 

 

Knowing he had Pete’s attention, Sirius asked, “Wouldn’t it be hypocritical to slap someone and then when you try to slap them back you’re the bad one?”

 

Peter pursed his lips, his brows furrowing. It never mattered how simple the question was- Peter took more than enough time to think it over before choosing his answer, even if it was a question over his preference of bananas or apples.

 

“Well…I suppose it depends… Remember when I had you three over for Christmas dinner last year and we watched that movie on the telly? The one where that Dad called his daughter a mean word and the mom slapped him in her honor, ya? And then the daughter… I can’t remember what she did… but I think she stayed out really late and then when she came home the dad gripped her arm and she said something sassy and he slapped her? I don’t think that’s right. It was a little scary.”

 

Pete stared at the floor, worried he had said the wrong thing. 

 

“So you’re saying he deserved it, but she didn’t?”

 

“No, not exactly. It’s more like… he did something bad, but she didn’t. And she was his own daughter. I don’t think she’s a hypocrite because it seemed like she wanted to avoid the conflict altogether.”

 

Sirius grunted and although Pete thought Sirius could have reacted in worse ways (he was becoming angry more sporadically lately), the tension in the air was too uncomfortable and he scurried out of the room to attach his letter to an owl.

 

———

 

The next full moon, Remus came back with barely any injuries. Being joined with Wormy and Prongs had satisfied the wolf, although it was still upset for not having the complete pack. 

 

Lily watched in amusement as the three others girls nurtured him in the common room after he was released from the hospital wing, offering to get him more chocolate and to help with his homework. Remus caught her gaze from across they room and she winked, knowing full well that he was perfectly fine and wanted to be studying. He flipped her a subtle bird, but his eyes softened as he let Dorky braid his hair. 

 

———

 

“It’s a two-way street, Lils,” Remus voiced as they practiced charms together a few days later.

 

“What?”

 

“I can feel the connection too and there’s a certain someone you’ve been paying more attention too.”

 

Scowling, Lily stopped practicing the incantation they learned in class and levitated a pillow instead, sending it flying at Rem. Dodging it, Remus smirked.

 

“I knew it!”

 

Lily sniffed. “I have no idea what you’re talking about it. Maybe we should get Madam Pomfrey to check your head.”

 

“Maybe _you_ should talk to him.”

 

“There’s nothing I have to say.”

 

Remus sat on Al’s bed, drawn into a contemplative silence. 

 

“You know he’s taking this hard,” Remus said softly. “He’s conflicted. You don’t have to do it, but I just thought it might help.”

 

Lily frowned but Remus could see the wheels turning in her head.

 

“You’re his best mate,” she pointed it out. “How could I help him more than you?”

 

Remus stood up so he could grab her hand and give it a squeeze.

 

“You know what it’s like to love someone who’s going down a dark path.”

 

“I never _loved_ Severus.”

 

“You’re deflecting the subject and of course I know that. Just maybe consider this?”

 

Lily flicked his nose, which was as close to a yes he would get. Just as Lily had finally succeeded with the spell, Remus spoke up again.

 

“Who knows? Maybe you’ll have a date for the next Hogsmeade trip.”

 

Remus didn’t bother to dodge the three pillows, letting himself fall onto the ground in laughter.

 

———

 

The two weeks leading up to the Quidditch game with the Ravenclaws left the marauders’ room thick with tension. More often than not, Remus took to sleeping with the Girls.

 

On the day of the match, Remus sat bundled up in the stands with Marls and Al snuggling into him.

 

“Stop stealing my warmth!” 

 

He half-heartedly shoved them but they clung back even tighter, like two stubborn koalas. Remus was wearing three jumpers, mittens, and a thick knitted scarf his mother knitted. He burrowed his face into it so that only his eyes could be seen.

 

“Babe, give him a break and come hug me.”

 

Alice rested her head on Rem’s shoulder, throwing a glare at her boyfriend.

 

“Nu-uh, you’re like a human freezer.”

 

Frank made a show of huffing, but he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Remus and Marlene whispered in each other’s ears and Marlene groaned five minutes later, putting five sickles in Remus’ pocket as Alice moved to sit behind them and next to Frank. 

 

Lily sat in the front row, leaning back so that she rested against Remus’ knees while she chatted with Mary McDonald. 

 

Never one to be caught up in sports, Remus tried to pay attention without spacing out at the red and blue blurs whizzing around. Why anyone would want to be riding a broom in the weather, Remus had no idea. The only reason he was here was to cheer on James. 

 

The crowd of Gryffindors hissed as some chaser scored against their goalkeeper, making the Ravenclaw’s lead even higher. Remus looked at the chaser, who was clearly talented if Remus could catch on with his limited knowledge. For the rest of the game Remus’ eyes were drawn to him. His blond hair stuck up in odd directions and his cheeks were bright red from the roaring wind. Remus vaguely remembered seeing him around Hogwarts, but he didn’t know where. He wished he remembered more clearly so he could know the boy’s eyes. He didn’t know why this was so important to him, but he found himself on the edge of his seat, as if he could strain his eyes enough he’d be able to make out if they were brown or blue or green.

 

When the snitch was found, managing to scrape the Gryffindors into victory with a mere five point lead, Remus posture slumped.

 

“Rem, you coming?”

 

Remus reluctantly dragged his gaze away from Ravenclaw- the name Remus so creatively dubbed him- who didn’t seem at all angry about losing as he zoomed in circles around his teammates, playfully bumping into them. Remus stood abruptly, not wanting the Girls to catch on.

 

He thought he succeeded until Frank walked past him with a smirk.

 

“Liked what you saw?”

 


	10. A New Tradition And A Broken Routine

“Lily?”

 

Lily jerked out of her reverie. Her mind was too muddled with information to continue her History of Magic essay, but it wasn’t due for another week so she decided it was okay to take a pause. She spent the last thirty or so minutes gazing out the common room window, hardly taking in the wispy clouds dancing with the late night breeze. Instead, she’d been mulling over what Remus had said to her a few weeks ago. 

 

She was alarmed to see James standing right in front of her, looking sheepish, as if he’d just come straight out of her mind. Lily side-glanced at Remus on his armchair, who didn’t look at her but simply hid the beginnings of a smile behind his book.

 

“What?” Lily decided to go with her usual reply to James, not unfriendly, but with an underlying warning. It was always good to keep her guard up after years of his endless attempts at wooing, some of which had been very public and very embarrassing.

 

“Can we, uh… talk?” 

 

The bespectacled boy looked ready to piss himself or run away and Lily almost wanted to say yes right there and then, which surprised her. Was it a good idea? She didn’t want to get his hopes up and have him assume that if she said yes that meant they were dating. But it couldn’t be that bad…could it? One, harmless conversation with James Potter.

 

“Hm, I’d say no Lils, seeing as he might be planning on getting you alone, throwing you into a potato sack, and burying you alive in the woods.” 

 

“Remus!”

 

Remus looked up at Prongs, raising an eyebrow. Unlike James’ mounting horror, Lily found herself relaxing. Remus was right, she was being silly.

 

“He could keep her bones on a shelf like little trophies for a shrine.”

 

“PETE!”

 

“That’s disgusting!”

 

“Too far, Petey, too far.”

 

Even Sirius joined in, hitting Peter’s head with a first year’s book. Peter squealed, holding the back of his head.

 

Lily lightly kicked James’ toes, getting his attention back. She nodded her head towards the portrait hole, deciding to have the conversation somewhere more private, and was nearly blinded by the shear sincerity of his beaming smile.

 

———

 

Sirius sauntered across the room, plopping down on the couch next to Remus’ armchair. He yawned, lazily stretching his arm out, dangling one hand off the couch, inches away from Remus’ legs. 

 

Moony still hadn’t come up to him and apologized for being a dramatic girl and Sirius was taking advantage of anything he could. He did it that night when Moony said he hated him. He knew how sleepy and dazed Moony was when woken up in the middle of sleep. It was easy to make him come down to the common room without much of a protest. 

 

Right now Moony had finished his work for the night and was reading another one of his bloody muggle fiction books. He sat in the armchair so his body was sideways, draping his legs over the armchair’s side. It was well known that hardly anything could disturb Moony when he was in this mode. It was a game the marauders picked up sometimes, seeing how much they could do without Moony noticing. So far a firecracker, Wormy’s screech when he was pushed into the fireplace’s burning embers, and all three of them breathing directly down his neck had yet to pull Moony out of his reading trance. One time, Prongs aimed a harmless spell at him and Moony simply deflected it with a flick of his wand. When asked later, he had no recollection of having done it. 

 

The only thing that caught his attention so far was a dung bomb being set off and man, you did not want to be near him after that. Apparently, Moony being torn away from the climax of a book and having his wand in his possession was not an ideal situation. The rest of the marauders regretted egging on Remus’ great skill at bat-bogey hexes in second year, which resulted in a legendary prank brought up every Halloween. Being on the receiving end was not as fun.

 

So Sirius knew he had the upper hand here; he could do whatever he wanted since Moony wasn’t able to pay attention. He just wanted to skim his fingers over Moony’s calf. Moony had to break at some point and Sirius was sure that if he continued to sneak in touches here and there, Remus would crumble into his arms.

 

His hands were inching forward…forward…almost there…

 

The whole common room startled as Remus nearly jumped a foot in the air, looking exactly like Fabian’s cat when Gideon accidentally stepped on her tail last week. Clutching his book to his chest, breathing a few shaky breaths, the green-eyed boy threw on a weak, but convincing smile and people resumed back to their conversations. 

 

A sharp pain ran through Sirius’s mouth as he clenched his teeth. He stuck a foot out to trip Moony, who was walking briskly and avoiding eye contact. Remus collapsed onto the floor with a loud thud, but it wasn’t his skinned knees that made his eyes burn.

 

“Oh Rem-shnookums! If you wanted me to carry you up to your bed in my manly, adoring arms, you could’ve just asked. No need to act as if you can’t walk to get my attention!”

 

Pulling himself up, Remus threw a grateful smile at Frank, whose eyes were kind, asking if he was alright.

 

“As if I need your help, Longbottom. I’m strong, independent, and I don’t need no man,” Remus deadpanned, causing a few people to chuckle. The Gryffindors were taking a new look at the formerly reclined, shy boy.

 

Frank grinned with a sigh of relief as Remus took a detour and walked up to the Girls’ dormitory instead of his own. 

 

Pete on the other hand crossed the room to sit next to Sirius, who was pointedly not looking in Frank’s direction.

 

“He’s really coming out of his shell, isn’t he? I think it’s nice people are seeing how funny he is.”

 

Sirius glowered, hitting Pete on the head again. _Rem-shnookums_ repeated in his head.

 

———

 

“You may have the perfected blank face, but you only come up here if he’s done something. You want to talk about it, Rem?”

 

Remus sat on Al’s bed, shaking his head. He was standing stronger on his feet the past few weeks, but that didn't mean Black makes his heart ache and knows exactly how to hurt. Remus didn’t know what kind of pain was worse: being indirectly hurt by Black’s actions because Black simply didn’t even think how Remus would be affected or being directly hurt by Black, for no other reason than for the heartbroken boy to look weak.

 

“Do you think I only come to you when I’m upset?”

 

Alice shushed him before his “ _I’m sorry”_ s came tumbling out and guilt settled in. She waved her hand, explaining she hadn’t meant it like that, no one thought Remus was using them for their emotional support. 

 

“Anyway, we’re just trying to chip away at the immense debt we all are in for the numerous times you’ve helped us or been a kind face and a listening ear.”

 

Remus scooted up on the bed, lying close to Alice, the heat of each other faintly felt and comforting. 

 

“Your boyfriend is too good for his own good.”

 

“Right?” Alice tsked. “Bloody inconsiderate.”

 

Remus chuckled and they were quiet for a few minutes.

 

“I’m really glad you have each other. You really deserve him.”

 

“And he deserves me. And you deserve all of us, you know?”

 

Remus gave her hand a quick squeeze.

 

Five minutes later Marlene barged into the room, uncharacteristically giddy.

 

“What in the world happened to you?”

 

“Or maybe, what happened to Sirius is the better question,” Alice commented.

 

“Sirius?” Marlene’s face dropped for a second, confused, having no idea what they were talking about. “Rem! I’m so glad you’re here to listen to my beautiful voice!”

 

“Wha-”

 

Alice cut him off by yanking his arm, pulling him off the bed. She emphatically shook her hands in the air as Marls began singing some song Remus had never heard, dramatically using her wand as a microphone, Remus couldn’t help but be pulled into the infectious mood. Alice twirled Rem, which didn’t really work out and they both ended up stumbling from the height difference, but they pushed past it. Twisting and shaking and wiggling their arms, it became hard to know whose laughter was whose.

 

Dorcas and eventually Lily showed up, both calling out in excitement and seamlessly joining in. 

 

Remus laughed, looking at the flushed cheeks and watery eyes and sweaty skin. Dorky had joined in with Marls’ singing, except she didn’t know the words so she repeated what Marls sang ten seconds behind her. Lils wrapped her arms around his waist, spinning him in an awkward circle that didn’t feel awkward at all.

 

Remus had no idea what was going on, but he knew he was just invited to some Girls tradition he didn’t know of, and his mind was blown that somehow, somehow he had done something to deserve this.

 

———

 

James and Remus were the first ones out of the gang to be down at breakfast that morning, a few other early birds from different houses spread out across the four tables.

 

“I’m assuming the talk went well?” Remus nudged Jamie’s side, who giggled lightly from the tickle. 

 

“It was amazing!” James sighed, cupping his face with his hands, elbows pressed into the table. “The only bad part about it was that I couldn't focus on her ethereal face or melodic voice because I had to actually take in what she was saying. And she didn’t even insult me! Well, she said she still thought I was a toe-rag at the end, but she said it quite nicely.”

 

Remus smiled as he slathered butter on toast. He wondered if Jamie even slept last night. By the time he returned to the boys dormitory, it was hours after Jamie and Lils talked, but there Prongs was, the most content smile gracing his face that continued on to this morning. Amused, Remus wondered how long it would last, which was probably longer than anyone would expect.

 

As people began filing into the Great Hall, James and Remus chatted and guffawed, pushing each other and sticking out tongues full of gross, smushed up food in the other’s face. Mid-laugh, Remus froze up and fixed his gaze on his plate and looked…flustered? James looked up, but didn’t see anything except some Ravenclaw who was looking their way. The cogs started turning in his head- that was the chaser that almost made them lose last game. 

 

“I forgot my homework in the dormitory, I’ll see you in Muggles Studies!”

 

James didn’t have a moment to think about why Remus bolted because a few seconds later Padfoot sat next to him with a grumble. James thought back to what Lily-flower said last night, how he should have a clear conversation with Sirius and probably talk to Rem too afterward. But right now he just wanted a few moments to enjoy both boys’ presences. He’d talk to them on the weekend. 

 

———

 

Sirius tossed his covers off, breathing in harsh breaths. A few minutes passed before he realized he didn’t have a nightmare- Moony did. He was woken up by the screams. His legs already swung over the bed, feet pressed into the cold floor, but he couldn’t make himself move.

 

Why should he go to Moony? Moony should come to him, he thought stubbornly, even though he knew that over the years, he was always the one to slip into Moony’s covers without a second thought. Sirius’ hand would lace through the other boy’s long fingers, giving gentle squeezes until his breathing calmed.

 

For the first time, Sirius listened until Moony’s breathing calmed, not making a noise or indication that he was here. He wondered if Moony knew that he was awake. It took a hell of a lot longer for his ragged breaths to subside on his own. There was a moment that caught Sirius’ breath, several tense seconds where he felt Moony decide between leaving bed or falling back asleep. 

 

The floor creaked, barely above a whisper. Moony was always so quiet, even when he didn’t need to be. A triumphant smile plastered on Sirius’ face as he saw Moony’s shadow become larger and darker against the red curtains, but then it got lighter and smaller again. He strained his ears for the soft shuffling steps, but they sounded more distant.

 

“Pete,” Moony croaked (Sirius’ heart constricted). 

 

Like Moony’s reading trance, hardly anything could wake Wormy from his sleep but that barely audible word snapped him awake. Sirius cursed Moony’s ability to do that to people. Moony just had a special touch (which Sirius missed).

 

Sirius had no idea what was happening but after several minutes, Pete’s feet thudded to the floor, far less graceful. Peeking through his curtains, Sirius caught a glimpse of Wormtail’s pudgy hand tugging at Moony’s pale ones down the stairs.

 

Sirius’ heart definitely didn’t gallop like a racing horse. He definitely didn’t feel lonely nor craved touch. He most definitely didn’t steal Moony’s pillows and hide them under Prongs’ bed with a smug satisfaction, somehow feeling like justice was restored. 

 

In all his angst, not one thought over what Moony had dreamed about or how he was doing crossed his mind as he fell back asleep with ease.

 

———

 

“Thanks, Wormy,” Remus said softly, fingernails sliding over the mug filled with warm hot cocoa. The house elves around them asked them again if they wanted anything more and Remus refused, thanking them over and over and apologizing for how early in the morning it was even though they insisted they were already up and cooking. Pete took anything and everything they handed him, his face puffed up like a hamster Remus had as a child.

 

“S’alright Moo’ I muthed listh,” Pete spoke through a full mouth.

 

“I have utterly no idea what you’re saying.”

 

Pete swallowed. “I said, I missed this.”

 

“What?” Remus joked, “Missed eating food? It hasn’t been more than six hours since dinner, Petey.”

 

Pete knocked his knee against Remus’, looking at him with his round, pale blue eyes. His trimmed dirty blonde hair stuck up in a clump behind his left ear. Remus counted the four dark brown moles on Wormtail’s face while he waited patiently for the round boy to get out whatever was on his mind.

 

“It seems like everyone knows something I don’t. James is being weird going back and forth between you and Sirius. You and Sirius ignore each other. Alice and Lily and the others hang out with you more and sometimes James too and I’m just… here.” Peter picked at the flakes of his croissant, the corners of his eyes tugging down. “I miss the marauders. I miss pranking. I miss us.”

 

Pete’s eyes were welling up and remorse washed through Remus. Everyone had let Peter fall to the background without any notice. In someways he was suffering just as much or worse than James. He might be the most dependent out of all of them on being a marauder. 

 

Remus wrapped an arm around Wormtail and slumped his posture so that Wormy could lean his head on Remus’ shoulder. It was awkward- although Remus had become much more affectionate in the past months, he still cringed on the inside at physical contact and he’d never been especially cuddly with Peter. The thought behind the half-hug touched the sniffling boy.

 

“Blac- er, Sir…ius and Jamie always run ahead of us at Hogsmeade, so why don’t we just branch off on our own this weekend? What do you say? We can spend the whole time in Honeydukes and then eat some of our sweets at The Three Broomsticks.”

 

Pete sat up, rubbing a hand under his nose and gave a watery smile.

 

“S’ long as you don’t touch my taffy,” He mumbled, but clearly pleased at the offer. 

 

Remus raised his hands in mock surrender. They stayed together for twenty more minutes, snacking on treats and more hot cocoa for Remus, as the talked idly about the past weeks and all the things that Pete had no clue about in class.

 

Remus forced himself to listen to the scratchy timber of Pete’s voice and the warmth of the hot drink, imagining both combining and creating a sort of barrier around him. Then he attempted to push out all the flashes of his nightmare out of the barrier. The taste of blood, the feeling of claws ripping through flesh, and the sight of mauled bodies that including several Hogwarts students and a few teachers. In the background was a pulsing pain of Sirius’ silence. He shouldn’t be surprised, he mused, but it still shocked him that Black offered no comfort, especially when he knew the dark, depressing details of Remus’ dreams and their lasting effect. Black hadn’t had nightmares in a year, but Remus knew that if the tables were turned, Remus would have asked Black if he was alright and then would wake up Jamie to take care of him. 

 

It’s just another routine broken between the two of them, Remus explained to himself, next time it will hurt less.

 

“Did I tell you what I overheard Mary saying the other day?”

 

Remus sipped his drink, feeling the slight scorch on his tongue and made a motion with his hand, indicating for Pete to go on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I love reading your comments, they make me laugh and smile : )
> 
> It was nice to write a Remus and Girls scene, I hope you enjoyed! I'll be posting the next chap on Friday or Saturday


	11. How Different Can They Be?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hogsmeade weekend

The three days leading up to the Hogsmeade trip moved along painfully slow. Remus was itching for a change of pace and scenery, seeing as he hadn’t been to any of the past trips this year. He hadn’t been able to stomach Black flirting and buying drinks for an array of girls. 

 

But none of that mattered now. It would still sting of course, more dully and temporarily, but he wasn’t letting anything hold him back anymore. He was going to spend the day with Pete, maybe see the Girls, and buy as much chocolate as he wanted. Since he hadn’t gone on the past trips, his small amount of money saved up became a less small amount as the months went by and Remus was going to put it up to good use.

 

It was finally Friday night and Remus sat between Lily and Dorky. Across the table and a little bit down to his left were Jamie, Wormy, and Black. Remus wanted to sit on that side of the table, but Black got there first, so once again Remus sat facing the Ravenclaw table.

 

“You alright, Rem? You’ve hardly touched your food,” Lily whispered, nudging her toe against his heel.

 

Strangely on the same wave-length, James called from across the table, sternly telling Remus that he better eat seconds and desert because he was looking peaky. Remus fidgeted in his seat, feeling a lingering gaze on him from another table. 

 

He tilted his head to obscure any view of his lips and he breathed out, “You know the moon is next week, it’s just the symptoms coming on early.”

 

Lily lowered her head so she could catch his eye and gave him a look, knowing full well that was an excuse, but she wasn’t going to push it. 

 

After a few minutes, Remus chanced a look up, meeting with (brown?) eyes. The blond Ravenclaw quickly looked away from Remus, starting a conversation with a boy next to him. This was becoming a nightly occurrence, though sometimes it happened at other meals too depending on seating and timing. 

 

Remus couldn’t feel Ravenclaw enter a room or sense him, but once he caught a glance of him, it was as if his body was constantly aware of the fact that he was there. To make matters worse, Ravenclaw often times was staring when Remus looked across the tables. It wasn’t creepy and, in fact, sometimes it was Remus doing the looking. 

 

Remus was just curious was all, the blond boy seemed friendly and apparently was Frank’s friend. He explained to himself that his new fascination, if you could call it that, was purely just an interest to see what Frank’s friends were like. And Ravenclaw probably felt the same and that’s why he’d stare at Remus. Or maybe he was looking at Remus because of how much Remus looked at him. Merlin, he wasn’t looking at him that much, was he? 

 

Remus scraped his teeth against the tip of his tongue, promising himself he’d get here first next time so he could sit on the side of the table facing the Hufflepuffs. Okay, he pepped himself, no more looking, no more looking, that’s right, good job, don’t look up.

 

Lils knocked him with her elbow and Remus shook his head, shoveling a scoop of mashed potatoes into his mouth that earned a proud thumbs up from Jamie. His traitorous eyes looked across the room, but Ravenclaw’s table seat was empty.

 

———

 

“Your nine month anniversary is next Tuesday, right?”

 

“Yeah! I can’t believe you remembered,” Frank smiled, looking up from his parchment. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised, seeing as it’s you.”

 

Remus smiled over his transfiguration book.

 

“I’m actually looking for something to give to her as a present this weekend. Any suggestions?”

 

Remus stared at the polished wooden table, sorting through his memory for anything Al had mentioned lately. 

 

“Well… I can’t think of anything she’d want at Zonko’s or sweets at Honeydukes, but you know Grace, the sort of mousy girl the year below me? She’s the one that sits on the ground with Mary sometimes in the common room,” Remus paused, making sure Frank was following. “Well, she makes jewelry that the Girls’ like to look at sometimes. Al really likes the earrings she makes with the little colored stones.”

 

“Would she make one for me?” Frank pressed, completely enthralled with the idea.

 

“I’ve heard she takes licorice wands for payment. Hey, what’re you-”

 

“Can’t talk! Off to see Gabby! You’re bloody brilliant Remus, you are!”

 

“Grace!” Remus tried to keep his voice just below a shout as Frank raced around the tables. “Her name is Grace!”

 

Remus quickly gathered his things and retreated behind some bookshelves for safety against the librarian. Frank really was going to get them banned from the library someday.

 

———

 

Lily looked at the purplish imprint of circles beneath Rem’s eyes, indicating his decreasing amount of sleep. He’d crashed at the Girls’ room last night after patrolling the hallways with her. No matter how much she insisted that she could do it on her own, Remus refused to let his prefect duties slide. She scowled at the thought of it because of how it took away precious sleeping hours that Rem needed as the moon got rounder. 

 

Against her wishes, she eventually shook his shoulder to wake him.

 

“Morning sunshine.”

 

Dorky threw a pillow from across the room. Remus threw half an arm up and made some lazy motion, trying to convey that he could hurt her if he wanted to, but it only made her giggle rather than cower with fear. With fuzzed up curls, sheet creases lining his face, apple red cheeks, and a bewildered, almost pouting expression, Remus was far from intimidating in the mornings.

 

Lily sat on the bed, waiting as Remus woke up. When he sat up and twisted his body, there were pops and cracks. Finally turning his gaze toward her, green eyes dark from sleep, he frowned.

 

“You alright Lils?”

 

She smiled, trying to wipe away the concern. Unfazed, he reached out and tugged at the ends of the hair by her waist. She tried to swat him away but he was insistent, making whiny sounds with harder, but still gentle, tugs until she rolled her eyes, truly smiling. He let go, satisfied with her reaction.

 

Flicking her lightly on the nose, he fondly told her not worry about him and he was well, even if he was tired. 

 

“If you’re done having a twin-connection mo-”

 

“Twin-ection!” Dorky interrupted.

 

“-ment, then come here and choose one of my robes to wear for Hogsmeade.”

 

 

———

 

“I don’t know what happened with Moony and you don’t need to tell me, but - ”

 

“Look at all these puddles, Prongsie. Prime time for pranking, I say. Have you seen Snivelly? A little mud will go well with that greasy hair.”

 

“ _Sirius.”_

 

James followed the sight of long black hair turning a corner. He continued to approach the subject, but Sirius insisted on testing out new Zonko’s toys and when that failed, talked loudly over James about the weather.

 

———

 

“PETTIGREW I SWEAR IF YOU GET THOSE ROBES DIRTY!”

 

Peter pulled his hand back to his body as if it was burned, only seconds before he was going to push Moony into a particularly large puddle. Throwing a look over his shoulder, he picked up the pace, wanting some distance. 

 

“Sorry Petey, these are her robes.” Remus shrugged as he easily matched Peter’s speed with his long legs. “Insisted they’re a boy-magnet.”

 

While speed-walking, Peter looked up and was confused why Moony was grimacing. Peter was used to people looking at him like that, but never with a touch of nervousness and never from Moony.

 

“What?”

 

“You don’t think that’s…weird?”

 

“That you’re wearing a girl’s robes or that you like boys?”

 

“Um, both?”

 

Blinded by the sight of Honeydukes, Peter took a few seconds to respond.

 

“No.” He racked his brains, not understanding. “Should that be weird? I’ve never liked anyone. Oh no, is that weird?”

 

Remus cut him off with a shake of his head and the famous, one second, soft Moony smile that instantly set Peter’s nerves at ease.

 

“You know what is weird though, Moony?”

 

“What?”

 

“Lettuce.”

 

———

 

Sirius refused to look at Prongs, glaring at a scuff on his shoe. 

 

“Pads, c’mon,” James pleaded.

 

Pulling at his earlobe, Sirius continued to be mentally checked out of the conversation and preferred to eavesdrop on other students sitting nearby. Prongs was being patient to the point it was infuriating, on the brink of becoming a spot-on imitation of Moony through the years.

 

“I don’t understand it. What happened to that time in second year when you hit that Bludger at Mulciber in the stands at a Quidditch game after he made fun of Moony’s scars?”

 

Sirius forgot about that. He blocked the memory from resurfacing. He remembered getting a month’s worth of detention for that instead of remembering the pride that swelled in his chest from the amazed, affectionate look on Remmy’s face when he was telling him off for being an idiot.

 

“You were attached to his hip until third year. Then you two got weird, going between days of laughing to a week of silence. Pete and I never said anything because you guys always worked it out in the end, but it’s been two months and it’s all-” James stopped to making a wild gesture with his hands to explain the mess of the situation.

 

“That’s not my fault,” Sirius bit out. 

 

James rubbed his face, heaving a sigh. “That’s not what I’m trying to say, Pads. 

 

“Look, you’re my brother Padfoot and I love you, but you’re sabotaging yourself. You’re holing yourself up and lashing out at anyone that comes across you. You need to talk to me. I wanted you to come to that realization on your own, but you’re getting dangerously stubborn. This isn’t okay.”

 

James squeezed his eyes shut, trying to put everything into words.

 

“Moony is my best mate, too. He’s a marauder. You don’t have to tell me what you did, but whatever it was you can’t do it again. You didn’t see him after that full moon, Pads… whatever you did, it fucked him up bad. And then you never came to see him at the hospital wing or anything even when I told you this was one of the worst moons we’ve seen. 

 

“We both know if this was reversed and you were hurt, Moony would have come.”

 

Sirius scoffed and nearly fell out of his chair in surprise when Prongs slapped that table. Fortunately, The Three Broomsticks was loud and not one person looked up. Sirius finally looked at James, whose eyes were burning with heat.

 

“He would and you know he would! You can keep up this act where everything’s his fault but I’m not putting up with it anymore. You need to pull your head out of your arse and see how you’re hurting him. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt Pads, but you’re making it extremely difficult. I’ll never give up on you because you’re my brother and I love you, but I won’t support you like this. If I hear you saying shit about Moony or …”

 

Sirius watched as Prongs shook his head, overcome with emotion. For the first time, he felt fear swoop in his stomach. 

 

“I don’t expect you to fix this. I honestly don’t know if I want you to be around Moony at all, but you need to quit glaring and taking all your anger out on everyone, especially him. You can be as angry as you want, but you can’t take that out on people who don’t deserve it and trust me on this, they don’t deserve it. 

 

“Just try for me, okay? I hate that it comes to this, but if you can’t do it for Moony… do it for me.”

 

James looked into the eyes that were perpetually the color of an impending storm. The rage in them was gone for the first time in months and instead a fragile little boy was shining through the grey.

 

“ _Please.”_

 

Sirius pushed out of his chair, throwing a forced look of disgust at Prongs for the desperation in his voice. He stalked out of the pub, glowering as he was immediately affronted with the view of Wormtail waving Moony off, telling him to get his chocolate and then meet him for butterbeer. 

 

He held back the urge to knock the candy out of Peter’s arms.

 

———

 

“You have no idea what you’re missing!”

 

With a twist in his gut, Remus fought the urge to flee. Frank’s distinctive voice carried in the shop and Remus had no idea what he was up to, but he had a feeling he was about to become a part of whatever mess he planned. But Remus was here first and he was in chocolate heaven. Not even Frank could come between him and his true love. 

 

Frank’s bulky stature came into view as Remus added a third bar into the mountain held in his arms. There was a sale and he hadn’t been to Hogsmeade in ages, so he damn well deserved this and no one could tell him otherwise.

 

“Should I leave you and your milky mistresses alone? It looks like you’re seriously considering making love right on this dirty floor.”

 

Yep. Frank was definitely up to something, his voice was much higher than usual (tell-tale sign of giggly Frank) and he was practically oozing mirth.

 

Shifting his arms to keep one of his chocolates from falling, Remus grumbled, “It’s misters, first of all, not even chocolate can turn me straight. And second of all, I’d rather leave _you_ alone in a ditch, preferably in the Forbidden Forest next to the acromantulas.”

 

A soft chuckle erupted that was definitely, definitely not Frank’s. It sounded eerily similar to a rainstick that his mother had, an instrument that had pebbles filled in it so when you turned it upside down it sounded like rain, but much prettier. Remus used to play with it all the time, closing his eyes and imagining that raindrops were singing. A coil of warmth settled in his stomach. Remus’ eyes snapped up to see who Frank brought along with him and-

 

_Fuck. Fu-shi-ckt that piece of shuck!_

 

Remus’ mind couldn’t even swear properly, everything getting mucked up in his brain. His pile of chocolates scattered to the floor. 

 

Frank snorted and Remus shot him a glare that made him flinch, but didn’t take any of the amusement off his face. 

 

“Oh, let me help,” Ravenclaw said as he bent down to pick up the bars. 

 

Frank was impressed how Rem could keep his calm and look utterly composed on the outside while he scrambled to pick up the chocolates. He waited until Remus was cradling his sweets once again before getting back to his point.

 

“I was just saying how my good ol’ buddy here has only ever had dark chocolate. Imagine that? I knew I had to drag him in here so he could see what he was missing out on and just our luck, the King of Milk Chocolate is among us to help us mere mortal peasants.”

 

Remus’ gaze was so dry it could have dehydrated the ocean.

 

“How different can they be?” Ravenclaw scuffed his feet. “I’m sorry we bothered you.”

 

Ravenclaw gave Remus a soft smile, which was so genuine that Remus knew he was oblivious to Frank’s meddling. He seemed on the verge of leaving and Remus wanted to retreat to a safe, comfortable corner, but after that- _dammit Frank_ _._ Frank barely refrained from bouncing on his feet, knowing full well that Remus couldn’t let this go.

 

Remus shifted his chocolates away from Ravenclaw with a hurt look, shielding them from such a horrible assumption.

 

“Next you’re going to tell me that baths and showers aren’t that different.” Remus loved his baths.

 

“Er?” 

 

Remus looked away from the confused little crease between Ravenclaw’s eyebrows.

 

“Frank, grab that one.” Remus used his left foot to point to his favorite chocolate on the shelf, his arms already occupied. “And… er, let’s see… that one too.”

 

Frank grabbed the chocolates, handing them off to a much confused Ravenclaw, and Remus hugged his loves closer, bravely glancing at Ravenclaw’s face.

 

“You can thank me later,” he said, walking as causally away as he could, fighting the urge to look over his shoulder, muttering all the while _how different can they be??_

 

“Is he always like that?”

 

Remus nearly dropped everything again from the warm amusement in Ravenclaw’s voice.

 

 

———

 

Remus let his head slam onto the table the second he sat down next to Peter. He asked something unintelligible through a mouthful of sweets and Remus let a long groan in response, burning with embarrassment. He rested his head on the cool surface, listening to the bustle of The Three Broomsticks as Pete patted him on the shoulder in an attempt of comfort. 

 

When he convinced himself he didn’t make an awful first impression and he shouldn’t even care about what impression he made because it wasn’t like he wanted to impress Ravenclaw, he opened up one of his chocolate bars. 

 

“Son of a _bitch_ ,” he muttered, staring at his favorite chocolate bar that was the exact color of Ravenclaw’s eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't get this up yesterday  
> I hope people aren't getting too annoyed at angsty Sirius, I swear he'll become less one-dimensional soon   
> hope you're all doing well : )


	12. No Inept Chocolate Dilly-Dallys Allowed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus tries the newest potion attempt to help with recovery from the full moon and it doesn't work the way they thought it would.

Remus was curled up in a ball, snoring on the dirty, scratched floor when James and Wormtail entered the shack moments after Madam Pomfrey left. James shifted into Prongs and gentle pressed his muzzle into Moony’s neck. Moony lifted a hand and blindly pet the space between Prongs’ eyes.

 

Prongs pressed his muzzle again, harder.

 

“I’m so,” Remus yawned loudly, “sleepy.”

 

Prongs huffed air out of his nose and Moony groaned, finally sitting up. It took two minutes of Remus pushing Prongs out of the room, mostly because he was laughing too much as Prongs bounded around the room stubbornly. 

 

Wormy wrapped his tail around Prongs back leg as they waited for Remus to transform on the other side of the wall. Every crack and scream sent Wormy pressing himself closer and Prongs muscles tensing, fighting the urge to run to Moony.

 

After a strangled sob, Prongs shut his eyes closed and James prayed for whatever surprise Madam Pomfrey said she had to be something to take away Moony’s pain and keep him safely asleep for the next day.

 

———

 

“What the bloody hell happened to him?”

 

“What the bloody hell happened to _you_?” Remus lifted a shaky hand and pointed to Frank. Frank made a garbled sound, something like a concerned snort.

 

“I’m not the one in a hospital bed,” Frank pointed out, looking at Lily with raised eyebrows. She shook her head frantically, but it was too late.

 

“ _You_ should be the one in the bed with that face of yours.”

 

Lily and Frank looked at Remus quizzically. 

 

“ ‘Cuz it’s so damn ugly it must hurt.”

 

There was an exchange of giggles, a feigned gasp, and an eruption of laughter. All the while Remus’ attention had moved on as he scratched one of his healing scars.

 

“Remus! Stop that,” Lily tsked, pulling his hands away. Remus whined but closed his eyes, seemingly forgetting it. 

 

Lily tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear, sighing. “He had a bad reaction to an experimental potion for, er, his injuries. It basically ended up being like laughing gas. It’s this muggle invention doctors- I mean healers- give to patients that helps with pain. Basically, Remmy is going to be a little out of things and talking nonsense.”

 

“Brilliant!”

 

“Will he be alright?”

 

“You’re not Frankie’s voice.”

 

Everyone turned to Remus, whose eyes were still shut, but was frowning in Frank’s general direction, reentering the conversation. 

 

There was a soft exhale, almost a chuckle. “No, I’m not.”

 

Remus would have shot out of bed if Lily hadn’t anticipated the reaction and pressed her hands firmly against his chest, pushing him back down.

 

“RAINSTICK!”

 

Remus cracked his eyes open and grabbed a pillow to cover his face, slowly he peeked his head over to confirm the owner of the voice. 

 

“Lily,” he said in a whisper that came out a lot louder than he intended. “Ravenclaw is _here_.”

 

“Yes, Rem. I see that,” Lily sighed, patting his curls while throwing a glare at Frank’s wide smile.

 

Frank sat down in a chair beside Ravenclaw’s bed, placing his head in his palms as he leaned forward. Ravenclaw looked torn between amusement and guilt that he was witnessing something Remus would clearly be embarrassed of afterward.

 

_“Lily.”_

 

“Yes, Rem?”

 

He beckoned her closer, leaning into her ear.

 

_“He doesn’t think milk chocolate is different than dark! Dark chocolate Lily!”_

 

“Oh, how horrible. Shall we burn him at the stake?”

 

“Yes! He shouldn’t even be allowed in the hospital wing! No inept chocolate dilly-dallys allowed.”

 

“Dilly-dallys?”

 

“Yes! Exactly!”

 

Lily began to stand up from her chair as if she was going to kick Ravenclaw out. Remus snatched her arm, pushing her back in her seat.

 

Remus looked personally offended. “What are you doing?”

 

“I was going to kick out the dilly-dally rainstick, of course.”

 

Remus smacked her hand. “That’s very rude to call people names, Lily-pickle. And besides, you can’t throw him out.”

 

“And why not?”

 

“Because he’s _Ravenclaw_.”

 

“Because of his house?”

 

“No!” Remus threw his hands in the hair, scowling. “That’s his name.”

 

Lily gave him a dry looked. “His name is Ravenclaw?”

 

Remus settled back down, laying his back head on his pillows, looking very happy. “Yes, so now you see why he can’t be kicked out.”

 

“Yeah, Lily-pickle,” Frank interjected. “It makes perfect sense.”

 

Lily made a rather rude gesture with her hand. Standing up, she began to tuck the sheets in until Remus morphed into a Rem-burrito. She brushed his hair out of his face and he hummed, closing his eyes.

 

“Time for sleep, Remmy.”

 

“I don’ wanna s’eep.”

 

“Yes you do, you just told me ten seconds ago that you did.”

 

“I did?”

 

“Would I lie to you?”

 

“Okay then, night night.”

 

Lily shook her head when fifteen seconds later Remus’ breathing evened out. Grabbing Frank’s arm, she dragged him away, giving him a look that made the urge to wake Remus shrivel up and die. She then turned to Ravenclaw, smiling sweetly.

 

“You’ll look after him, ya? I’m exhausted and need a shower.”

 

Ravenclaw looked up in surprise. “Will he be alright with that?”

 

Lily’s eyes darted over his face until she ended up with a smile, seeming to find her answer.

 

“I trust you.”

 

Ravenclaw looked like he wanted to say more, but Frank jumped in. 

 

“Don’t worry, mate. They have some freakish twin telepathy connection. If she’s alright, he’s alright. Feel better!”

 

Lily and Frank took off, Ravenclaw watching Lily smack the back of Frank’s head while laughing. The slightly dazed blonde boy turned to look at Remus, all snuggled up with a faint pout on his face.

 

———

 

Remus groaned, his head swimming as he woke. He didn’t dare open his eyes yet, waiting for the throbbing in his head die down. He started a mental checklist. No pain on the face, which was a gift since face scars are always harder to explain. Though the back of his head was pulsing- he’d ask Jamie or Pete about that later. Other than that, he barely felt any stings, so minimal cuts, but his shoulder ached in a familiar way- must have had to be popped back into place. 

 

“Poppy, I don’t think it worked,” Remus called out, his voice thick with sleep and scratchy from last night’s howling.

 

“Well, I don’t think it did its intended purpose.”

 

Remus frowned at the voice. “You’re not Poppy.”

 

“No, I’m not.”

 

Remus frowned further. “Or Lily.”

 

There was a pattering of laughter. Remus’ eyes flew open and he quickly looked away from that warm grin.

 

“You’re- um, what- er, I’m,” Remus put himself out of his misery by clamping his mouth shut. 

 

He twisted his hands in his sheets, feeling them beginning to sweat. _Shit._ What does he say now? How does one socialize? Well of course he knew how to socialize, he was pretty damn good at masking his uncomfortableness threw small talk and introductions, thank you very much, but that didn’t mean he liked it. And why did his eyes have to look so much like chocolate? Not just any chocolate, but the purest, most definitely milkiest chocolate that existed. They were such a light brown, about three shades lighter than Jamie’s, at least. Remus could practically taste the sweetness by just looking. Shit. Was he looking into his eyes too long? Did Ravenclaw think he’s weird? Oh, no, look at this, he’s blown his chance already. At being friends. Or acquaintances. Yes. That’s what he meant by blowing his chance. Good, old, fun platonic-ness. 

 

Platonic-ness, he mentally patted himself on the back. Good job there, Remus. 

 

“Er, my name’s Lucas,” Ravenclaw- Lucas, said, rubbing the back of his neck. “So you don’t have to call me Ravenclaw anymore.”

 

Remus chocked on his tongue. “Wh-at?”

 

Could Rave- Lucas read minds? How the hell did he know that?? Even Lily didn’t know that’s what he called him. Luckily, Madam Pomfrey came in to save Remus. 

 

“Ah, you’re awake and much more level-headed, that’s good to see. I’m sorry that new potion turned out to be a disaster, but the good thing is there’s no serious injuries. How’s the concussion doing?”

 

Remus brought his hand up to the back of his head, wincing.

 

“S’lright. What happened with the potion?”

 

Pomfrey gave him a slight smile. “I left some chocolate at your bedside. Eat at least a third and no more trying to give it away.”

 

Confused, Remus nodded his head and picked up the chocolate as she walked away. Remus busied himself with unwrapping it as he snuck a few glances at Lucas, but he looked away to fast to even see anything.

 

“I’m Remus, by the way,” he muttered.

 

“I’m Lucas. Oh, wait I already said that didn’t I?” Lucas rubbed the back of his neck again, biting his lip. “Er, nice to meet you. Officially. We kind of met at Honeydukes already and then a few hours ago, but you weren’t really you then, I guess. I’m not making any sense, am I? I should stop talking. Okay. Yes. Um, hi Remus?”

 

Remus relaxed a bit, his lips twitching up. He released the sheets he was clutching, before realizing something Lucas said.

 

“What do you mean we met earlier? I’ve been sleeping this whole time.” Pause. “Oh, god, please tell me I wasn’t talking in my sleep.”

 

Remus glanced out the window, wondering how odd it would be for him to jump out of it to escape. He had spoken in his sleep. He must have mumbled Ravenclaw! Oh Merlin, in what context had he said that in?

 

“Oh no, don’t worry,” Lucas rushed to say. “The potion turned out to be like laughing gas, Lily said.”

 

Remus’s head fell into his hands and he groaned. His mother was a nurse and he’d seen patients on laughing gas when she brought him to work a few times.

 

“S’much worse,” he moaned.

 

Lucas laughed in a comforting way, sincere and sounding like the rainstick once more. _Rainstick_ \- oh no. Remus groaned even further, daring to peek between his fingers at Lucas’ shaking body.

 

Lucas calmed down a bit, but his eyes were wider, shining. “It’s funny, you always react to my laughter.”

 

Now, Remus was no blusher. His skin was fair, but he’d never gone tomato from embarrassment. But if you left him in an awkward situation long enough, his face did heat up in splotches. As he could feel it starting to do now. Dammit.

 

“I’m not sure I even want to know,” he sighed.

 

“Maybe not now, you should ask Lily later. I’d try and avoid Frank.”

 

Remus dropped his hands, pulling himself into a more upright position.

 

“Please tell me I heard that wrong. Frank Longbottom was here?”

 

Lucas nibbled on his bottom lip again, looking guilty. Remus made a strained sound in the back of his throat. 

 

“Right. Well, if you don’t mind, I’m just going to lie here and will myself to death.”

 

“I wouldn’t want that.”

 

“What?”

 

Lucas rubbed his neck.

 

“Er, I mean, it’s just I want… more chocolate?”

 

“Chocolate?”

 

Lucas nodded, seemingly glad at the turn of the conversation. “You woke up at one point and were very adamant about giving me your chocolate.”

 

So that’s what Poppy meant earlier. Remus never willingly gave away chocolate, but he couldn’t make himself mad like he usually would be when someone touched his baby. Just because I’m out of energy, Remus thought. That’s right, I’m just too exhausted for emotions right now, Lucas is nothing special. Remus took the moment to stuff his face with another piece of his chocolate. He looked at Lucas full on, finally taking in the fact that he was lying in a hospital bed too.

 

“What happened to you?”

 

Lucas’s bottom lip was dragged in again, but this time it seemed more to suppress a smile. Remus wondered why what he said was so funny.

 

“Sprained my ankle from Quidditch practice.”

 

“You alright?”

 

“Fantastic really. What about you? You seem like you got knocked up pretty badly.”

 

Remus’ throat constricted. He flipped through his usual excuses of why he was injured during the full moon when his head took that moment to split in half from a sharp pain. He cradled the side of his head, hissing.

 

“You alright, Rem? Should I get Madam Pomfrey?”

 

Remus shook his head, which turned out to be a very bad idea. Scrunching his eyes shut, he rasped out that there’s nothing much they can do for the pain at this point. Slowly, the throbbing ebbed away and Remus continued to take in calculated deep breaths. 

 

He opened his eyes to meet with those brilliant brown ones, full of worry. Embarrassment pooled inside of Remus and he stared at his white sheets, smoothing a wrinkle out. He must seem pathetic. 

 

“Could you hand me that book? Reading helps distract sometimes.” 

 

“Remus don’t you dare try reading! It always makes your head hurt worse.”

 

Remus shrunk. “Yes, Poppy.”

 

“You know, I could… Read for you? I mean to you. Er, you can just tell me the page and I could read it out loud? If you want to that is! My voice isn’t half-bad and I’m a reader. That sounds weird, of course I can read. Er, I’m a good reader? Um,” Lucas trailed off, avoiding Remus’ gaze.

 

“Okay,” Remus breathed out. Willing his face to cool down, he cleared his throat. “Um, yes. If you don’t mind. Sorry.”

 

“You don’t have to apologize! There’s nothing wrong. Er, okay is this the right page? You folded down the corner here. Ya? Okay, here we go. Tell me if you want me to read slower or softer.”

 

Remus closed his eyes, resting his head on the pillow to face Lucas’ bed. He willed himself to keep a relaxed face and for his legs to not shake. Lucas’ voice, like his laughter, was soothing. He let it run over him, feeling it go through his ear and into his head where it seemed to pick up all the bad things and carry it out the other ear, leaving a cool breeze in its wake. 

 

Poppy came back to tell Lucas it really was time for him to leave, his ankle had healed hours ago, but she stopped and took in the sight. Remus was curled up with a soft smile on his sleeping face while Lucas continued to murmur out the story, sneaking peeks at the boy even though Remus wouldn’t have any idea if he was gazing at him the whole time. 

 

Poppy shook her head fondly, thinking today was a day of firsts. She’d never seen Remus share his precious chocolate or warm up so quickly to someone, especially after the full moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had a shitty day so I just wrote this whole chapter about this one event because it was light and fun. A loopy Lupin is honestly such a joy


	13. Marauder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Sirius POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't post on the weekend because I kind of got stuck on this chapter. Writing Sirius is really difficult right now because he's basically just a huge ball of angst until the summer chapters. Not sure how I feel about this and sorry it's short, but I hope it's alright

James found Sirius sitting on his bed, angrily writing on a sheet of paper. He cleared his throat softly. Sirius’ face whipped up toward him, black hair falling across his face in strings. His eyes went from a hazy grey sky to dark thunder clouds in seconds, glinting with impending lightning.

 

“Shouldn’t you be with _Moony_ ,” Sirius spat out the last word. 

 

James shook his head. “Someone’s keeping him company right now.”

 

Sirius searched Prongs’ face. It seemed as if Prongs was holding something from him. I’m not a child, Sirius thought, fighting back the urge to snap at James and demand for him to tell him. There was a small break in his inner rumblings where he worried that something went terribly wrong at the full moon. He shoved that train of thought away because if Prongs was here, that meant Moony was fine. And why should Sirius even be caring? It’s not like he even went to check on Moony when he actually was severely injured.

 

The atmosphere hung heavy with silence and Sirius hated it. He and Prongs weren’t supposed to be like this. 

 

Sirius pulled his wand out, remembering the paper in his hand.

 

“Incendio.”

 

“Holy fuck, Pads!” James shouted at the jet of flames that engulfed the paper, licking the tips of Sirius’ fingers. “Aguamenti!”

 

Sirius moved out of the way just in time so that while his fingers were drenched, the rest of the water soaked his mattress instead of his clothes. He swallowed the anger in his throat and forced himself to say thanks. He lied to James and said his fingers didn’t get burnt.

 

James knew Sirius was lying, but he let it go, knowing that the water got to him before it could get bad and that Sirius wasn’t in the mood for being pushed.

 

“You wanna go out by the lake? It’s warm and I don’t feel like studying.”

 

Sirius smirked and asked Prongs when did they ever study. Prongs laughed, saying something about that one time in second year that they opened up their transfiguration book for the first time the night before exams. Sirius’ shoulders relaxed and he thought that this was how he and Prongs were supposed to be as he threw one of Pete’s shoes at Prongs' head. He ducked just in time.

 

“What was that for?!”

 

Sirius raised one shoulder. “Dunno.”

 

James laughed, jerking his head toward the stairs. “C’mon, you tosser.”

 

———

 

Sirius and James spent the day joking and wandering around outside. They ventured into the forest for a few minutes until Hagrid saw them and chased them off. After a while they lay down next to the lake, Sirius with his eyes closed and James with his open and drinking in the pale blue sky. Sirius called James a girl after he pointed at a cloud, claiming it looked like a bunny. James jokingly snapped, what’s wrong with that?

 

As the sun went down, James brushed a few ants off his robe and waited patiently for Sirius to say whatever he wanted to say. Sirius had sat up ten minutes ago and kept opening his mouth but then closing it. 

 

“I’ll try,” Sirius said, wincing as if the words were acid in his mouth.

 

James doesn’t say anything, knowing Sirius would be grateful if they just moved on without acknowledgment. It’s not much, but it helps soothe the hurt James felt when Sirius left him alone in The Three Broomsticks.

 

———

 

“How can he call himself a marauder when he always sits with them?” Sirius demanded a few days later, waving his fork in Remus’ direction.

 

Peter squawked at the bits of food that flew onto him and gave a hard elbow into Sirius’ rib that he insisted was an accident, cheeks burning.

 

“Sirius,” James said with a clear warning tone.

 

“What?” Sirius grumbled. “I’m just saying.”

 

“We’re always marauders.” Peter did his typical confused face. “Right?”

 

James nodded his head, but Peter continued to look put-off. Sirius bristled at the disappointed look James gave him. 

 

“Moony doesn’t want to sit with them all the time.”

 

Sirius wonders what the hell that’s supposed to mean.

 

———

 

Remus pushed the corn around his plate, dragging it through the gravy. He could keep himself from the site of them, but he couldn’t controlling hearing them laughing and bantering.

 

The Girls assumed it was Sirius’ presence that was upsetting him, but it was actually the three boys’ voices that made it feel like ice was passing through his body.

 

Remus tried to sit next to the three the morning he was released from the hospital wing but Sirius’ glare honestly gave him the impression that he would fight Remus if he came near.

 

“Where’re you going?”

 

Remus shrugged, grabbing his bag and briskly walking out of the hall to the verge of almost fleeing. His feet carried him to the library while he pushed out flashes that resurfaced in his mind. The four of them huddling together before their first prank; the bundle of limbs upon each other after James cried over Lily refusing a date in third year, not knowing where one person started and the other person ended; galavanting in the night as not just animals and werewolf, but as a pack; food fights, snowball fights, throw-anything-you-can-without-seriously-hurting-the-person fights; squeezing under the invisibility cloak together, craning their necks to look at the map. It was never Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. It was always MoonyWormtailPadfootandProngs. 

 

Remus was glad that Sirius had killed his heart months ago because he didn’t think he could handle the extra pain his heart would give right now. 

 

Remus loved the girls and he loved Frank, but it wasn’t the same.

 

They weren’t his marauders. 

 

———

 

Sirius told Prongs he would try and Sirius believed that he was trying. He has had two conversations with Wormtail where he didn’t snap or smack him and he was making the effort to cut down on his grumbles so that his and Prongs’ friendship could return to its usual joking manner. When Prongs comes back from Muggles’ Studies giggling, Sirius doesn’t even ignore him.

 

While Sirius was filled with pride for all he was achieving, he remained blind to all else he still did. 

 

 

———

 

Sirius, James, and Peter chatted in their room, discussing what they were going to do for the weekend. Sirius was pitching the idea of going through the One-Eyed Witch Passage to get butterbeer and sweets for a Gryffindor party, whining that he was done with the common room being filled with stress from everyone studying.

 

“Did someone say chocolate?”

 

Three pairs of eyes turned to Remus, who just entered the room. An air of melancholy had been surrounding him for a few days and they hadn’t seen much of him. Peter had remarked the night before for the fifth time that Remus was still in the library alone when Sirius snatched the map from him, muttering mischief managed.

 

“Padfoot was just saying that - ”

 

Sirius cut Peter off, “Nevermind, I’m bored of this. We can talk about it later. Do you want to play chess Prongs? We can borrow Moony’s board. You don’t mind Moony, do you?”

 

Remus didn’t shrink from Sirius’ challenging glare, though his insides recoiled.

 

“I do mind, actually,” he said softly, but firmly. 

 

It was so Moony - the way his quiet and calm commanded a fierce power - and Sirius’ fingers started to curl inwards.

 

“Sirius,” James said.

 

Sirius gritted his teeth and said nothing. Peter made a comment that dissolved some of the rising tension. James stood up to walk toward Remus, but Remus shot him down with a look that was a combination of _don’t_ and _later_. Sensing James’ feelings, he softened the corners of his lips in an attempt of a smile to convey he wasn’t upset with James. The room bled from tension into an unfamiliar awkwardness. 

 

James and Sirius ended up playing chess with Peter’s board while Peter sat next to them, groaning over his homework. Remus sat on his own bed for a good amount of time, just staring at his hands, before he pulled a book out, turning a page every twenty minutes.

 

Peter was the first to nod off two hours later and his snoring was a weird lullaby that turned James into a sleepy mess within minutes. Sirius climbed off James’ bed and passed Remus with a cold air. After changing into his pajamas, he sat down, staring at Remus, who was looking at the ceiling.

 

Feeling Sirius’ gaze, Remus twisted his head, green eyes wide and clear. Not exactly blank or emotionless, but not open or expressive either. Sirius seemed as if he was going to say something for a second, but then his gaze hardened. He pulled his curtains shut.

 

Sirius hadn’t said anything, but the message was clear. After three hours, Remus crept out of bed with a sigh, pulled on the invisibility cloak, and tiptoed to the library with hunched shoulders. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and all your comments : )


	14. I Wouldn't Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of Lucas and a little bit of James

Remus mumbled at the sound of someone speaking. It was too early for conversations and his neck was killing him. Remus wondered why his bed was so uncomfortable until his mind began to wake up, reminding him that he had spent the night in the library. He bolted up from where he was half-lying against a shelf with a gasp.

 

“Am I late for class?!”

 

“Oh no! Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you! Classes don’t start for an hour.”

 

A bundle of pixies came to life in Remus’ stomach as he looked up at Lucas. He was crouching down to be at eye-level and he had a lopsided smile that was tired and lazy. Remus pulled himself into a more upright position and kept his eyes trained on the ground. Thankfully the invisibility cloak slipped off at some point during the night and was settled in a heap next to him, appearing to be just a regular old cloak

 

“You alright, Rem?”

 

Remus didn’t know why, but he quite liked that Lucas called him by a nickname while barely knowing him. Generally, he liked distance and formality. Remus didn’t really know what to say in response because no, he was not alright. But he barely knew Lucas and that’s not something you dump on a stranger. Why would Lucas care how Remus really was? He was just simply being polite. Remus canceled out the idea of pasting a smile on and saying everything was okay and instead shrugged his shoulders in a noncommittal manner.

 

Lucas gestured to the space beside Remus. “Is alright if I sit here?”

 

Remus nodded. Lucas sat down, giving Remus a good berth of space between them. He stretched out his legs and knocked his feet together lightly. Remus recognized his shoes, remembering seeing some muggles wearing them last summer. They were a faded red, looking almost pink, and they went a little past his ankles. On the side was a logo of a white circle with a blue star in it and a faded word that started with a C was written around it.

 

Remus chanced a look at Lucas’ face. He stared back at Remus with a serene, contemplative look. Remus noticed a few centimeters above the top left corner of his lips there was a small dark mole. Lucas smiled shyly.

 

“I actually used to sit back here a lot in fourth year,” Lucas said hesitantly. Remus’ calm, patient demeanor must have helped because Lucas’ voice gained a little confidence. “I, er, had just been dumped by a, uh, boy in my house.”

 

Frank had basically told Remus that Lucas was gay all those weeks ago in the library, but it still shocked him a bit, especially how open Lucas was being about it. The pixies stirred, barreling into the walls of his stomach. He understood what Frank meant when he said someone who could understand better. It wasn’t just because Lucas was interested in boys, but he had also gone through a break-up that seemed harsh.

 

“It’s a nice spot.”

 

“It is.” Lucas nibbled on his bottom lip.

 

Remus glanced away, building up the courage to say something.

 

“You can…If you want… I mean, it was your spot first, so if you still want to come back here sometimes, I wouldn’t mind.”

 

———

 

“Who is that?”

 

“Who?”

 

“The boy walking with Remus, you idiot.”

 

Dorcas flicked a piece of toast into Marlene’s hair. 

 

“That’s Lucas, he’s one of Frank’s friends,” Alice mused while fighting to keep her eyes open. She studied History of Magic all last night.

 

Lily smiled to herself.

 

———

 

James grimaced at Remus when they were reprimanded for talking during Muggle Studies. _Sorry,_ he mouths.

 

James mentally kicked himself. He wanted to talk to Remus about last night and Sirius. He stubbornly promised himself that Moony was not escaping off to some corner today alone and that he’d spend the day with James.

 

“Pssst. Moony!”

 

Remus waited for the professor to walk further across the room. “What?”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Jamie.”

 

“I’m sorry I haven’t said it lately.”

 

Remus stops himself from saying _it’s alright_ and murmurs a quiet thank you.

 

———

 

Lucas beamed when Remus gave him a gentle smile as they passed by in the corridor.

 

Dorcas caught Remus by his elbow just in time as he tripped over air. 

 

———

 

James and Remus sat in an empty classroom, goofing around. 

 

“Expelliarmus!”

 

“Fine, fine! You win! Have mercy on my inferior soul.”

 

Remus laughed and threw Jamie’s wand back over to him, panting. James was in a similar state of exhaustion from all the roughhousing and he slumped against the wall across from the door, sliding onto the ground. He was too lazy to catch his wand so he let it fall and bounce closer to him. Remus walked over and joined him, déjà vu of sitting with Lucas in the library washing over him. He made a snarky gibe about James losing his touch.

 

“I miss this,” James chuckled as he leaned his head back against the wall, smiling.

 

Remus played with the threads coming apart on his jumper, not knowing what to say.

 

“Sit with us at dinner?” 

 

Remus shook his head at James' plea and pulled his knees up, wrapping his arms around them. 

 

“It’s not like I belong there.”

 

“Stop that.”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re being mean to yourself again.”

 

“I was only joking, Jamie.”

 

James wanted to reach out and shake sense into Moony’s head and tell him that he’s not lying, but he knew that Moony was starting to close off. He gave them a few minutes to relax. But it backfired on James as he became increasingly frustrated and the careful responses he planned in his head during the past few weeks flew right out the window.

 

“Why’s he being like this?” James blurted out.

 

Remus flinched in surprise. He fell back on his defense mechanism of playing dumb. “Who?”

 

“Sirius! I don’t understand. I get that he loves you and is angry about the distance between you guys but he’s being such an asshole about it. I’m trying to help him and sometimes I think it’s working but then I see you walking out of a room, curled into yourself, and I see him smiling smugly and,” James grabbed a fistful of his crazy black hair, pulling on it. “I just don’t get it.”

 

Remus’ jaw clenched and his voice was sharp. “Don’t say that word.”

 

James released his hair and his arm fell limply to his side. His breathing evened out and he stared at Remus’ scrunched up face.

 

“Don’t say that word. He doesn’t,” Remus swallowed and let out a deep breath, “he doesn’t feel that way about me.”

 

James’ heart dropped into his stomach and anxiety and guilt crept into his veins. He immediately backtracked, apologizing for being insensitive and it just slipped out.

 

“Jamie. JAMIE! It’s okay, you don’t have to keep saying sorry, I get it. It’s alright. I know you still want to believe it’s true.”

 

A flood of emotions exploded through James but it felt good in a way. He hadn’t realized how much he’d been clinging to the idea that Sirius loved Remus. But he does love Remus, the back of his mind kept whispering, desperate. For the first time, James firmly pushed the thought away. He didn’t know how Sirius felt but it was more complicated than that.

 

James glanced at Remus. His face rippled with intensity every few moments before a careful blank mask slipped in place. James placed his hand over Remus’, stopping him from pulling on the ends of his sleeves.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know you liked him.”

 

Remus squeezed his eyes shut and he stayed quiet for several minutes. “I loved him. And he, he… loved me. At one point. He did, I think. But I don’t know. One day the thought of hurting me pained him and then suddenly it was like I was a doormat he was fine walking all over. He thought he loved me, probably still thinks it sometimes, but it changed. His arrogance prevented him from falling in love.”

 

James tightened his grip but forced himself to think things through. He was walking on eggshells and Remus could close up faster then he could let his guard down.

 

“Were you guys in a relationship?”

 

Remus nodded and laughed in self-deprecation. “I thought so, but apparently he claims we never were an item. But yeah, he called me his and promised me he was mine. He let himself be vulnerable around me and took care of me in private. We did all the couple things, but behind closed doors.”

 

James took in the new information. He never realized it went this deep - he only worked out that they liked each other but assumed they never acknowledged it. Anger stewed under the surface. How could Sirius do this to Moony?

 

“Why didn’t you guys tell me and Pete?”

 

Moony looked at him with pity. “I wanted to, Jamie, but he wasn’t… ready.”

 

“He thought I wouldn’t accept him?”

 

Moony nodded and James fought away how much that stung and hurt. He could feel that later. Right now was about Moony and he wanted to be comforting him, not the other way around. A vague memory from January popped up in his mind - the day Sirius kissed Agnus, Remus had said something weird in Muggles’ Studies right before… some comment about thanking him for being so accepting of him and Sirius. 

 

It dawned on him - Remus must have thought Sirius had come out that day. A flash of the kiss and Remus fleeing the hallway stained his eyelids. And oh god, James had wolf-whistled! 

 

Remus jumped a little from James’ gasp, but James didn’t say anything. He had decided not to bring it up, not wanting to remind Remus of that memory.

 

Remus cleared his throat, wanting to move on to something else. “It’s fine.”

 

“It’s not fine.”

 

Remus laughed softly. “It’s not, but it doesn’t matter. I’m better without him, I just get sad sometimes… I miss being a marauder.”

 

James sat up and scooted closer, grabbing Remus by the shoulders. “You are always a marauder.”

 

Remus smiled sadly, shrugging James’ hands off.

 

———

 

Sirius slammed his pillow over his head. Remus had a nightmare again and both Prongs and Wormtail had woken up from the screams. He was able to block out their words of comfort for the most part, but his skin prickled when he heard muffled laughter. It usually took much more time to warm Remus up on nights like these, but they had done it so easily.

 

“Let’s go play Exploding Snap downstairs, it’s freezing in here.”

 

Sirius froze his limbs until the room was dead silent and he was alone. He smothered a screech into his pillow and then kicked his blankets off. He got up and paced around the room, stopping abruptly from time to time before resuming with more anger in his step. His hair was a knotted mess and his eyes were blown wide, the moonlight streaming in causing them to look scarily pale. The shadows sharpened his cheekbones and jaw.

 

Sirius didn’t know how much time passed before he pulled out a piece of parchment, but he soon found himself pouring out everything in ink. 

 

_Nothing is wrong with me, it’s everyone who is wrong. Not me._ He stared down at his final words, calmer, but not fully satisfied. There was a part in the back of his brain that was nagging at him. It was the same part that told him he was a coward for pushing Remmy away.

 

“Incendio!” 

 

The parchment was no more, his feelings turned to ashes. 

 

———

 

In the morning Sirius refused to look at the bundle of limbs on the common room couch. He failed to notice that while James and Peter were drooling and snoring, Remus was nowhere to be seen.

 

———

 

“You know, Lucas is a pretty cool guy.”

 

Remus choked on his water. “What?”

 

James straightened up, enjoying the reaction. “You weren’t very sneaky when you strolled in with him.”

 

Remus stared incredulously at James’ smirk. “Jamie!”

 

“What?”

 

“Just because you know I’m gay, doesn’t mean we’re going to start gossiping about boys! Especially not over breakfast!”

 

“Why not? He’s cute.”

 

Remus groaned, face planting onto the table. He mumbled something about Merlin.

 

“Oh come on, I saw you give him chocolate when you were in the infirmary.”

 

“I was loopy on a potion! I didn’t know what I was doing!”

 

“Are you blushing?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Oh my god, I didn’t know you blushed. It’s adorable.”

 

Crumbs tumbled out of Peter’s mouth as he commented that maybe the robes really were a boy magnet. That sent James and Peter into shrieks of laughter, so much so that Peter choked on his toast and Remus had to lean over and thump him on the back because James was completely useless in a set of giggles.

 

“You guys are the absolute worst mates ever,” Remus moaned, but the grin that was struggling to cross his face said otherwise.


	15. Sirius Didn't Like This At All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius realizes something is up and he is determined to find out what it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this last night, but I was too tired to edit. There's probably still some grammar mistakes but I'll try and go over it later.

 

March had come to an end and the April weeks were falling away faster than one could say fiddlesticks. The whole school was getting an early infection of summer fever as the temperature climbed into a delightfully sedating warm. Potions class was a bitter blessing in disguise for there were no windows to remind them of the beautiful grounds popping up with wild flowers.

 

While the majority of students made use of their free time in open air, abandoning the common rooms and library, the fifth and seventh years were chained to the indoors with their O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s coming up. The professors were cramming in as much new information as they could in each class, as if they didn’t realize after several hours of finishing homework that students needed to stay up even later to master magic on what they’ve already been taught.

 

“Re-muuuuus,” Lily moaned, giving up on sitting in favor of flopping onto the floor. 

 

Remus made a soft humming sound to acknowledge that she said something though he hadn’t really taken it in. The words in his transfiguration book swam before his drooping eyes.

 

“Hi, Lucas!”

 

Remus snapped his head up so fast he got whiplash. Lily snickered when he saw that no one was there.

 

“That got your attention.”

 

“For fuck’s sake, Lils,” Remus muttered, gently massaging his neck.

 

“Don’t worry I’m going to be kind and not badger you about it.” Lily grinned and placed her feet in Remus’ lap. “I am a Gryffindor after all.”

 

“Oh god, no,” Remus said, burying his face in his book. “Please tell me you did not just make that pathetic Hufflepuff pun.”

 

“I wouldn’t expect you to know true humor if it flew right up your nose. You’re too stiff-y.” She punctuated her last word by pressing her right foot into his lower rib, causing him to laugh a few octaves higher than usual. He slapped her foot away.

 

“Sometimes you’re so like him I can’t tell you guys apart.”

 

“Who?”

 

Lily frowned at the look in Remus’ eye. He was acting nonchalant, but she knew him better than that. 

 

“Oh, just you know…” Remus trailed off as if he forgot what he was saying and picked his book back up.

 

“Remus!”

 

“Oh,” He trailed off again and then looked down at her. “Just Jamie.”

 

“Jamie? What - you mean Potter?” Lily spit out, narrowing her eyes. “That’s low, Rem.”

 

Remus rolled his eyes fondly and pushed off the feet that kept finding a way back into his lap, scooting over to lie down beside her. In pursuit of cool air, they were in an aisle in the far back of the library. There wasn’t much room to be comfortable in the narrow aisle, but being close to each other was always a source of comfort.

 

“I’m not just teasing, you too are alike. Ouch- keep your damn elbows to yourself - different, yeah, but you still have similar cores.”

 

A pregnant pause followed where Lily tried to move on, knowing all she had to do was change the subject. Remus was deceivingly good at this kind of stuff - giving you an out if you wanted it, but also saying things in ways like that, making you want to open up. He was the perfect balance of gentle, but firm pushing and receding to give space if the person needed it.

 

Mentally berating herself, she asked, “Cores?”

 

He turned his head and awkwardly moved his hand until he could reach over and tap the left side of her chest, where her heart was.

 

“Kindness.”

 

Stunned, Lily huffed after a few minutes and grumbled that maybe Remus should have been put in Hufflepuff.

 

———

 

The light streaming in through the window woke Remus up and he bolted awake. Prefect duties last night had been exhausting, he and Lily had to stay up later than usual and team up with the Slytherin prefects (which was as much fun as it sounded) because far too many students were creeping out of bed. The silver lining was stumbling across Alice and Frank, which Remus was not going to let go lightly. Teasing Alice wasn’t much fun, she’d raise an eyebrow and give you a chilling blank face before continuing on. Frank was much better - he surprisingly would clam up.

 

But this new blackmail didn’t seem worth it when it turned out to make Remus tired enough to sleep in. 

 

“Moony, you’re awake!” James clambered over his and then Sirius bed so he could grab onto Remus’ cheeks and smush them together. “Sleepy, baby Moon-moon. I was starting to think I’d have to stun you so you’d sleep more - hey what’s wrong?”

 

James removed his hands to feel Remus’ forehead for a fever.

 

“I’m fine, I just wanted to get up a little earlier to… study in the library.”

 

Remus maneuvered around James to start dressing, keeping his gaze away from James’ face. James was a miniature sun, however, and you could be a good distance away from him and still feel the heat of his smiles.

 

“If you hurry up, you might be able to get in some quick _studying_ in. What subject are you planning on studying again?” James faked innocence.

 

As much fun as it was to bicker with James, he had a point and Remus hoped he could catch Lucas before classes started. He didn’t bother to brush his teeth or comb his hair, just grabbed his bag, shoved a jumper in it in case he got cold and booked it out of there.

 

“I’ll want updates on if the studying reaches new territory!” James shouted.

 

———

 

Sirius was not stupid and no one should assume him as such. There was something going on with Moony and Prongs knew about it. What is he studying? Does it have to with experimenting for werewolf cures? No… James was too teasing for it to be that. So, he’s probably not actually studying. Maybe Moony is planning some huge surprise as an apology to him. Sirius wasn’t entirely sure, but he felt like this was a completely logical assumption. It’s about damn time for Moony to realize what he’s missing out on.

 

He hurried along with Prongs and Wormtail, who were having a contest over who can make a louder fart sound with their armpit (a useless competition - Wormtail always won). By the time they arrived at the Great Hall they had ten minutes to stuff their faces and then run to class. Remus was always the first in the classroom, so it was an immediate red flag to still see him at the table.

 

Remus was sitting on his knees, bracing himself against the top of the table, and craning to look at something. Sirius followed his gaze but grew irritated when he saw nothing. There were only the Ravenclaw table and Slytherin table, bland and boring as usual. Remus’ gaze switched over and for a second Sirius thought he was looking at him, but instead Moony was searching those who were entering the hall. His shoulders sagged and Sirius would have given anything at the moment to be able to see his eyes so he could understand what was going on. His mind was snatched from the sappy thought when Moony went barreling past him, his face once again carefully neutral.

 

———

 

A wad of paper hit the back of Alice’s head. She scowled at Dorky from across the huge mass of the yellow leaves in between them. Dorky rolled her eyes and moved her hands in a pretend gesture of opening something and then pointed at the paper. Alice unraveled the wad to find in swirly handwriting: _look at Black_

 

Alice glanced around the room but didn’t find him. She twisted around, acting as if she was stretching out her back, and spotted him at the back of the classroom. She followed where his eyes were focused - Remus. Glancing up to make sure their Herbology teacher was occupied, Alice scribbled onto the paper and threw it at Dorcas’ eye.

 

**Well shit, he’s actually acknowledging dear Rem-gem exists**

 

Dorcas stepped to the left to observe the next plant and Alice waited a few seconds to step to her right. They threw the paper back and forth for a while, slowly moving down the greenhouse as they identified the greenery. 

 

_he’s got a weird look though - not angry_

 

**I don’t care if he’s not angry, I don’t want him looking at our baby at all**

 

_he’s confused. i have a better angle_

 

**Maybe he bought a pair of eyes and finally sees what’s been going on**

 

_i can’t believe he’s so self-centered that he’s just seeing it now_

 

**Right?**

**Shrivelfig is used in shrinking potions, yeah?**

 

_yeah and thanks, didn’t remember that’s the name of this plant. what do we do?_

 

**Alert the girls and keep watch on him. He doesn’t know about Lucas yet, he’s way too calm. Let’s try and keep him in the dark if we can and if we can’t, make sure he’s not near Remmy when he does found out**

 

_sounds like a plan. be careful - you know how he is with that name_

 

**Shit, thanks for catching me. Okay I’m tearing this paper up**

 

———

 

Remus hurried out of Charms, knowing that Lucas would be coming down the corridor soon. Other students brushed past him and bumped shoulders, but he kept his ground. At last golden hair peeked out from the throng of students. Remus bit the inside of his cheek to contain his smile and hurried forward. As they passed, his arm shot out to grasp Lucas’, pressing a sliver of parchment into his palm. 

 

He meant to be slick and to retract his hand faster than he extended it but Lucas closed his fingers around Remus, caught by surprise.

 

“BLACK!”

 

They both jumped slightly, hands dropping to their sides. They shared a quick smile and walked in opposite directions.

 

———

 

“Is my favorite color! Black, such a nice color,” Dorcas continued to speak loudly after her initial shout. 

 

Sirius threw a dirty glare at her but she grinned in response, not caring that he knew she did that on purpose. He missed it - whatever it was. Remus had been shifty, loitering out in the hallway and Sirius was going to find out why, but just as Remus made a beeline for somewhere, Dorcas had diverted his attention. Sirius watched Remus’ head turn the corner, bobbing above everyone else’s. He caught a glimpse of his face, which was far more relaxed and serene than before.

 

———

 

Remus walked the rest of the way in a slight daze, still feeling the calluses on Lucas’ fingers and seeing how impossibly light his eyes were. 

 

———

 

During lunch, Remus kept sneaking looks at Lucas and vice versa. It was hard to fight the curiosity, when they’d sit in the library for an hour in the occasional mornings there wasn’t a chance to take him in. Either he was nervous that Lucas would catch him staring or he’d get lost in the moment and didn’t think about his appearance.

 

There was something enchanting about Lucas. Every look he discovered something new. His shoulders were broad and he always sat in a way where the right side was hitched up more than the left, but so minutely that one usually didn’t notice. The little mole above his lip would get a little squished and lost in his laugh lines when he smiled. His eyebrows were a shade or two darker blond than his hair and sometimes they’d get ruffled, hairs poking upwards before Lucas would run his fingers over them to straighten them up in an unconscious tick. Then, of course, there was the hand rubbing the back of his neck and bitting his lower lip, a telltale sign of embarrassment.

 

“You know I can take a picture of him for you with my camera?”

 

Remus shushed Marlene, who never had a care to keep her thoughts quiet yet always got away with no one hearing when it was the important things. She could curse over a teacher while they were walking by and they wouldn’t hear one word of it - sorry, Professor Murray.

 

Marlene snorted through her nose and chewed with her mouth open, strangely reminding him of Peter which was a very weird image. Marlene and Peter even being in the same sentence was outlandish.

 

“I can and no one would even notice,” she pointed out, swallowing a mouthful of chicken.

 

“I don’t doubt that.” Remus emphasized his second thought, “That’s creepy, Marls.”

 

She shrugged, but her voice was threaded with amusement. “You’re not very subtle.”

 

Remus picked up a pea and meant to flick it at her face, but missed by an inch and hit Gideon instead. Remus grimaced and said sorry, but Gideon only barked out laughter while Frank whooped, flicking a pea as well.

 

“At least I don’t follow Esperanza around like a lost puppy.”

 

Marlene choked on her food. “I am _not_ a puppy.”

 

“You tell her, Rem!”

 

“DORKY! You don’t even know what’s going on!”

 

Dorcas raised her fist from across the table. “Power to the people! Overthrow the bitch queen!”

 

Alice and Lily began thumping their hands on the table, chanting “bitch queen, bitch queen!”

 

Remus met Lucas’ eyes and his mole is hidden in amusement as he watched Remus roll his eyes fondly. 

 

———

 

Moony was looking at someone. Prongs kept distracted Sirius without realizing how he was thwarting Sirius spying, going on and on about how they needed to screw their heads on straight because they’d be playing against Hufflepuff next weekend and if they won that they’d go up against the Slytherins for the cup.

 

Sirius frowned as Remus ducked his head, looking bashful before he looked up again at something or someone behind Sirius. Sirius didn’t like this, who was Moony getting friendly with? A study partner? How friendly was friendly? Sirius watched McKinnon and Moony bicker. 

 

No, Sirius did not like this at all.

 

———

 

“No, no! It’s too late now, you can’t get out of this! It wounds me to know you’ve gone so long in this pitiful darkness.”He could hear the grin in Lucas’ voice. 

 

They were sitting out by the lake, the sun beginning to set and a slight chill swept over. Remus liked when Lucas got in these moods, something that was starting to happen more often. He stuttered and stumbled over his words in the beginning and sometimes randomly it would pop up again and he’d suck on his lip. It made it all the more treasurable when he fell into an easy rhythm with a soft undertone of confidence.

 

“How _awful_ ,” Remus replied dryly, doing his best to keep a straight face. “A life without comics is obviously a life not worth living.”

 

“That’s the spirit,” Lucas said. “This is my milk chocolate and I’ll be damned if I don’t return the favor of introducing you to my babies.”

 

Remus dipped his toes into the lake, his shoes long forgotten off to the side, and flipped them up fast, spraying some droplets on Lucas’ exposed leg. Lucas tilted his head back slightly, laughing. He was lying on his back but propped up on his elbows, miring Remus. He blew a raspberry in Remus’ face, beaming when he succeeded in making Remus’ mouth quirk up.

 

“It’s getting dark,” Remus said, side-glancing at Lucas. Lucas’ arm twitched, wanting to rub his neck. He swept his tongue over his lip.

 

“Er, I didn’t mean to - I should have thought - um, we can go back? You’re probably cold and - I should’ve, uh,” Lucas trailed off, growing more flustered.

 

Remus simply lied down, biting the inside of his cheek.

 

“Oh, yeah.” Lucas copied him. “Okay.”

 

They stayed together for another thirty minutes, listening to each other’s breathing mixed in with the crickets and the rustling of the grass.

 

———

 

Sirius stared out the window of their dorm, the Marauder’s Map gripped in his fists.


	16. Safe, Proud, & Lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> End of April-May; Sirius goes in a blind rage and Remus doesn't put up with it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: check the end notes, be safe : ) !  
> Also DADA stands for Defense Against the Dark Arts

Sirius did nothing for a week, because why should he do anything? It didn’t matter what Moony did. Moony could quit school and live in the Forbidden Forest for all Sirius cared. Nope, he didn’t care one bit. Besides, the full moon was coming up and Remus always locked himself away in a corner because of the pain, so Sirius didn’t have to worry about him and that boy hanging out. 

 

Not that Sirius worried at all. 

 

Just to be sure, he muttered _I solemnly swear I’m up to no good,_ pointing his wand at the currently blank parchment.

 

Something deep inside of him snapped as his eyes were instantly drawn to the sight of two dots hovering next to each other on the map, Remus and Lucas written in Sirius’ own careful writing above them. He could not just stand by and let this happen, they were marauders and that Ravenclaw wasn’t one of them! They had a reputation to uphold, the whole school knew of them and always had an eye on them to see what they were up to. They couldn’t just- just go around socializing with whoever they pleased! Remus is making us look bad and it’s my duty to tell him such, Sirius thought, that’s right, I’m morally obligated to tell him - that’s it. 

 

He paced the dormitory in tight oval-shaped circles, waiting.

 

———

 

“You’re not allowed to hang out with him.”

 

Remus stood on the last step of the stairs, blocked by Black. Black was drawn to full height, arms crossed over his chest, but even then Remus still towered over him. The words didn’t really sink in at first, the sound of Lucas’ rain laughter bouncing around in his skull. When he realized what Black meant he sucked in a sharp breath and when he spoke, his words were needles.

 

“ _Excuse_ me?”

 

“You heard me,” Sirius said, faltering slightly from the anger in Remus’ voice. He pulled his shoulders back more, jutting his chin up to cover up his surprise. Heat shot through where Moony shouldered past him to get into the room. “You’re not allowed to hang out with him.”

 

Remus sat down on his bed and pulled his shoes off.

 

“Are you listening?” Sirius barked.

 

Remus crossed his legs before responding cooly. “Unfortunately, yes.”

 

Sirius fought the urge to stamp his foot. Remus’ relaxed body perched on the edge of the bed was getting under his skin. _“And?”_

 

“And,” Remus dragged out. “You don’t own me and you have no right to say what I can or can’t do, so bugger off and find someone who cares.”

 

“You seriously think,” Sirius paused, annoyed at the unintentional pun, his tone seething, “that I’ll just stand by while you prance around with some Ravenclaw?”

 

Remus bristled at the mention of Lucas but he didn’t stand up to the bait. That didn’t stop him from lowering his voice to mirror Black’s threatening tone, however. “That’s _exactly_ what I expect. I expect you to not only stand by but to stay away. You leave him alone, you hear?”

 

Something flared up in Sirius chest and he pushed it away - no that wasn’t jealousy. He’s being a brat, Sirius thought firmly, he’s being a brat and he needs to know how stupid he’s acting.

 

“Are you really that desperate to throw yourself at someone now that I’m done with you?” That’s not what Sirius meant to say, but he stood by it and he wanted to know the answer now that it was out in the air. The quickness in which Remus stood up only egged Sirius on, satisfied by how much he could make Remus react. 

 

“Are you really this desperate to pick an argument with me now that you have no other way to get a shred of my attention?” Remus throws back.

 

Sirius laughed humorlessly. “You wish.”

 

“No,” Remus snapped, eyes narrowed and piercing. “I wish that you wouldn’t be such a child and try to take away anything that makes me happy because I’m sick of you treating me like a toy. I’m not a puppet you can control, you don’t get to decide what I do!” Remus hardly took a breath between each word and he didn’t know if Sirius could even understand what he was saying, but he couldn’t stop. His voice rose and fell with the emotions that passed through him. “You lost any say in my life months ago and it should’ve have been longer than that!”

 

Sirius stopped listening after Remus had said: “anything that makes me happy”. It repeated back to him like a broken record, _makes me happy makes me happy makes me happy_. His heart thudded and his head spun, vision getting blurry, which meant he didn’t think about anything he did or said anymore - actions driven purely on impulse.

 

“So what, whoring around with that fag makes you happy?” Sirius spat out.

 

Remus whipped out his wand in less than a second, pointing it at Sirius’ heart. “If you push your insecurities on me or Lucas or anyone, I will fight you,” he said with eery calmness. “I’m done letting you scorch everything in your path. I’m the best in our grade at DADA and you know it. Cross me again and I won’t hold back.”

 

Sirius’ head still spun and the room was thick with increasing heat and before he knew it, he lunged across the room.

 

Remus dropped his wand in a haste to shove Sirius away, but Sirius’ nails dug into his cheeks and he pulled Remus’ face to his and all Remus could do was turn his head just in time. Bile stung his throat as chapped lips crashed into his cheek. Fighting off panic, he kneed Sirius in the crotch and seized the opportunity to grab his wand as Sirius let go to bend over in pain.

 

“Petrificus totalus!”

 

The back of Sirius’ head burst in pain as he fell rigid on the floor, not being able to do anything but watch Moony loom over him.

 

“Don’t look at me,” Remus snarled, “don’t talk to me, and don’t you ever _fucking_ dare try to do that to me again or I’ll go to McGonagall. I’ve sworn I would never out you, but if I need to protect myself, I will. Last time we spoke you almost hit me and this time…” Remus’ throat tightened. “ _Fuck._ You just can’t let me be anything other than miserable, can you?”

 

Remus left the room, not bothering to do the counter-curse. 

 

———

 

Frank looked up from the headlock Fabian had him in upon hearing his name being tentatively said.

 

“Shit, what’s wrong?” Fabian asked, releasing Frank from the hold. 

 

“I’m,” Remus cleared his throat, “fine.”

 

Frank caught himself from snorting darkly, Remus was obviously anything but fine. His hair was a wreck, it looked like he’d run his hands through it a hundred times, and his face was drained of color. His eyes darted around the room, wild-like, as if expecting something to jump out.

 

“Remus,” Frank muttered, using his actual name for the first time instead of honey bear or baby-kins. He walked slowly toward him and reached out a cautious hand, but Remus flinched, jumping back a little. Frank sucked in a breath. “What did he do?”

 

Frank watched in dismay as Remus swallowed and pushed his shoulders back, his face neutralizing and eyes clouding into an unreadable look. His voice was level when he insisted he was fine and he just wanted to know if he could shower in their bathroom because James was showering in theirs. Frank didn’t buy the story one bit, not only because he just saw James heading off to the kitchens with Peter in the common room, but because Black’s name was written all over Remus’ twitchy movements. Frank was about to say something, but he noticed Remus glancing uncomfortably at Fabian and Benjy. Frank jerked his head to the back of the room and felt punched in the gut at the relief that swam in Remus’ eyes.

 

Remus was close on Frank’s heels as he led him to the bathroom. 

 

Closing the door, Frank asked in a hushed tone, “Remus?”

 

“I’m fine,” Remus pleaded, letting his mask slip a bit. “I just need to shower.”

 

Frank raked his eyes over Remus but found no bruises or marks. He sighed and nodded.

 

“Promise me you’re safe?”

 

Remus gave a quick, one nod of his head and Frank trusted him. 

 

“Okay, then shower away. And you’re not a bother Remus,” he sternly reminded him. “I know how you are and I want you to know I’m not letting you leave until you’ve had at least a thirty minute long shower. No one minds you being here, you can take your time.”

 

Remus opened up his mouth but Frank cut him off before he could speak. “I will call the Mama Bear if I have to. Don’t give me that look, I’m ser- I’m 100% honest! I have my wand, I could accio Potter right now, get his scrawny ass flying over here.”

 

Remus was a stubbornly reserved boy, but Frank at least knew him well enough to know when his green eyes were smiling softly, even when if it was only for a moment.

 

———

 

Remus slept in the dormitory with the marauders that night, including Sirius. Frank made the strongest case he could to get Remus to sleep with him, Fab, Gid, Davey, and Benjy, but Remus firmly declined. While Frank wasn’t a mother hen like Jamie, Remus had noticed somewhat fondly that he seemed to take up the role of protective big brother. 

 

“Well then I’m going to give Potter a head’s up,” Frank had said. “I’m telling you because I don’t want to go behind your back, but there’s no way I’m not doing it. I don’t like this and I don’t trust Black. I want to make sure there’s someone watching out for you even though I know you can handle yourself, alright?”

 

Remus didn’t like all the fuss, but he agreed. He needed to try and be more honest with Jamie anyway about when Sirius was an asshole. 

 

James had come across Sirius first; he did the counter-curse and not-quite yelled, but semi-yelled at him because he didn’t know what the extent of what Sirius did to deserve to be petrified, but he knew he’d upset Remus in some way and a mother bear does not do that well when one of her cubs was threatened, especially when said cub wasn’t in sight and confirmed to be safe.

 

When he saw Remus, after Frank talked to him, James gave him the most aggressively loving hug Remus has ever experienced and hopefully will not experience again - his sides were still a little sore from the squeezing. He wouldn’t outright admit it, but it did calm him and Jamie’s presence helped him breathe normally again and feel safe. 

 

Then James did fully yell at Sirius. Remus tried to find a way around saying exactly what happened, but in the end he begrudgingly said Sirius tried to forcefully kiss him. James had to get creative about how he got angry at Sirius, because he was still hiding the fact that he knew Sirius was gay. He settled on just focusing on the fact that Sirius had done something shitty, without naming what it was. He was kind in respect to yell at him where no one could overhear, but that was partly for Remus as well, who didn’t want more gossip. 

 

“I’m getting to the end, Sirius,” James had said at a normal volume, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’ve told you again and again but you just don’t listen. This isn’t fun and games. Summer’s coming and maybe that will do you good to clear your head… You’re lucky I love you unconditionally, I couldn’t _not_ love you if I tried, but you can’t abuse that.”

 

James squeezed his eyes shut and sighed with his whole body, face pinched in pain. He missed the kicked-puppy look on Sirius’ face. Sirius’ first reaction was anger because he blamed Remus for this, but the distress in James made him try to push that away so he could focus on that fact he couldn’t lose James. He wanted to say so many things, but he couldn’t bring himself to. James turned without looking at Sirius and walked away.

 

Sirius didn’t come back to the dormitory for a few hours and he was more than shocked that Remus was there and he even more so when Remus didn’t even react to his presence.

 

Remus had enough control to keep his body from flinching or tensing up, but he could taste acid in the back of his throat the second Black entered. Jamie, who was sitting on his bed with him, noticed and nudged him with his foot. Remus gave a quick smile.

 

Remus knew that Black was surprised, and probably pissed, that he was spending the night here since he usually retreated to the Girls’ room when Black was being an asshole. But that’s exactly why Remus was determined to stay even being as uncomfortable as he was. This was _his_ room as well and Black needed to know that. Black already assumed it was his territory and it was time to break that pattern. Remus would be damned if he took this away from him - this room was a safe haven for Remus and he wouldn’t allow that to be changed. If he kept running, Remus would come to associate this room purely with anxiety and nausea. 

 

No, Remus was putting his foot down.

 

And so, despite the horrible event of the day and him needing an extra hour to fall asleep because he was so tense, Remus was swept into dreams with a smile on his face and the warm feeling of success in his stomach.

 

———

 

While Remus told James what happened, the next morning he didn’t have the energy to tell the Girls anything other than Sirius did something really shitty but he was okay. Lily picked up on it being more than just that so she hugged him a few seconds longer than normal and stayed a few inches closer to his side throughout the day.

 

Like Frank, they asked him to sleep with them a few nights, but he politely declined, casually summing up why. 

 

“I don’t know whether to be offended that you don’t need us or proud that you don’t need us,” Marlene tutted, but the smile in her voice gave her away.

 

“Proud,” Alice said, yanking him in a quick hug, repeating in his ear, “definitely proud.”

 

Dorcas relayed something similar, dramatically wiping under her eye to play it off as if her real tears were fake.

 

Lily decided to cut the sappy tension, posing the question that alternatively, Remus could piss all over the room to stake territory. The three other girls got into a heated discussion of the pros and cons while Lily linked her arm through Remus’, pulling him along to class.

 

Remus looked incredibly flustered and pleased.

 

———

 

The next two weeks went by well and Remus hardly made any trips or blips into a depressed, anxious, or numb state. The full moon wasn’t great but wasn’t bad either -no new scars. It was nice having Jamie and Wormy sitting on his bed playing an obscure game of three-way chess - which led to light roughhousing over the rules they were making up and changing every minute until Poppy came over and scolded the two, while Remus smirked over her shoulder (Madam Pomfrey never reprimanded him - though she denied she played favorites). 

 

Lucas didn’t know of Remus monthly condition, but he was observant to Remus’ stiff walking and grimaces from pain of post-symptoms. He handled Remus carefully without treating him liked a child, which Remus appreciated more than he could know. He talked softer, walked slower, and asked Remus if he could carry his books for him, which Remus refused, definitely not blushing at all. 

 

James happened to pass them during the offering to carry part and he could tell anyone who asked that yes, Remus’ cheeks were a-blazin’. Remus acted skittish if people implied he felt romantic feelings so James just ducked his head and smiled, not teasing. The next week he caught Lucas gazing across the tables in the Great Hall at Remus while he was laughing at something Peter said. When James caught his eye and raised his eyebrows, Lucas turned the same startling shade of red. That was much harder to hold back from teasing, but James did. That didn’t mean he couldn’t grin wolfishly at Lucas behind Remus’ back.

 

———

 

The Gryffindors lost to Hufflepuff and though no one would dare say it, Sirius had a huge role in that. He was the best beater and when he got pulled out for the rest of the game for one too many fouls, the team barely held together to not be decimated by Hufflepuff. Their seeker caught the snitch, but Hufflepuff still won by twenty points. 

 

———

 

“Remus! Time to get out of your book and outside! Sunshine! Warmth!” James threw his arms up with each exclamation. “Fresh air!”

 

“O.W.L.s are in eleven days, Jamie, shouldn’t you at least be trying to study?”

 

James placed a hand over his heart, swooning with a wounded expression. “I’ll have you know that my nose was glued to books and wand glued to hand all last weekend - for the whole weekend AND with the window right in front of me, torturing me with sunshine.”

 

Remus blew a raspberry. Lily called out from across the room, tutoring a handful of younger Gryffindors, saying that Rem should take a break and he was looking too pale. There was no way he could get out of it after that - Jamie was practically floating ten feet off the ground over Lily agreeing with him. 

 

Remus made a show of rolling his eyes, but he ran up the stairs to drop off his bags and pulled off his thick jumper to replace it with a thinner, fuzzy green one. James was on him the second he came back down, crowding him until he was stepping out the portrait hole. 

 

“ - she’s coming around Moony! I told you, this year is the year - ”

 

“You say that every year Jamie.”

 

“But this year it’s different! I’m changing, I haven’t hexed Snivelly once in I don’t know how long! Just you wait, Moons, sixth year will be my year. Do you ever just look at her eyes, Moony? They’re the most beautiful green - no offense, yours are nice too - but - ”

 

And so Remus didn’t get in a word until they’re outside, gravitating to the lake like usual, and even then James didn't stop talking about Lily for another ten minutes or so. Remus took the time to subtly collect handfuls and handfuls of grass, striking at the moment James least expected it, shoving it in his face, hair, and down his shirt. James attempted to retaliate but Remus was already a step ahead, having his wand out to deflect anything James threw near him. 

 

James forfeited, laughing and they just sat together, chatting and lapsing into comfortable silence and chatting more, feeling the sun radiating on their skin. The tension in Remus’ skull subsided and he hadn’t even realized how much of a headache he had before. He closed his eyes and breathed in the fresh, slightly sweet air. He’d been in a good mood the past weeks, but the stress of O.W.L.s was pressing on him. James and Lily were right as always - taking a break was good for Remus.

 

“Is that Lucas?”

 

“Not falling for it,” Remus mumbled, eyes still closed.

 

“Oh, lovely darling boo!”

 

Remus groaned, twisting to see that James hadn’t been joking, but he had failed to mention that Frank was there too. James pulled Remus to his chest, wrapping his hands around Remus’ head.

 

“Hey, get your own darling boo, this one’s mine,” James shouted at Frank.

 

Remus groaned again, his “you guys are so embarrassing” muffled in the cloth of James’ shirt.

 

Apparently, Frank’s other friends came along too because next he heard what he believed was Benjy and Gideon (or was it Fabian?) jumping in on the joke.

 

“Don’t be so selfish, at least share a leg. I’ll take the right one.”

 

“Dibs on the right thumb and pinky. So sexy when he flexes those fingers.”

 

Remus felt rather than heard James’ laughter and he shoved James away, throwing a rather accusing glare at them all. They had reached James and Remus by now and Lucas stood off a little to the side, a few feet to the left of Remus.

 

“I think I’ll take his eyes,” he said softly, keeping his brown ones firmly on Remus’ green. He then grinned and dropped to the ground, proceeding to stretch out his legs. Frank barged over and planted himself between the two of them, throwing an arm over the both of them before pushing Lucas’ face away, declaring he needed some Remus time. Benjy, Fab, Gid, and two Hufflepuffs boys sat closer to the water, dragging James into some game. Davey sat to the side, reading some muggle book.

 

Remus and Frank bickered back and forth, swapping snarky responses. They’d hardly seen each other the past few months, their usual library afternoon routine had dwindled down to once every two weeks. It was nice how easy it was to slip back into their friendship. Remus’ eyes flitted to Lucas every now and then, who watched them in amusement and a tiny bit of awe. Remus was still shy and Lucas had yet to see the full potential of Remus being a little shit. 

 

At some point Peter stumbled upon them and then Girls showed up out of nowhere (scarily sly as expected), seamlessly weaving them into the growing group. Everyone mingled with ease. Lily pushed James into the lake twice, though James came up both times looking extremely proud with himself. Remus got the chance to view Lucas talking with Alice, seeing the easy friendship between them that must have come with knowing Frank. Remus felt stupidly content knowing that Alice liked Lucas. He trusted the Girls more than anything, especially when he could be a bit biased on some people. 

 

The sun was beginning to set but no one seemed to pay attention. Remus took a break from goofing off with Peter and Fabian, who was actually as cool as Remus had heard him to be, though a bit intimidating. Sitting back in his original spot, Remus leaned back on his hands. He marveled at the little anxiety he had the entire time, even being in such a large social group and meeting new people. Taking a moment to step back was nice still and allowed Remus to savor the last bits of the night.

 

A splash of water slapped Remus’ feet and he jerked up to see Lucas holding up wet hands with a cheeky smile.

 

“I had to get revenge for last time,” he defended as he came to sit near Remus, a little closer than usual. 

 

Remus huffed a little sound. They hadn’t had a moment together yet and Remus felt a little excited. Because of how much studying Remus was doing, they hadn’t been meeting up in the mornings - Lucas insisted that Remus sleep in instead. 

 

“This is nice,” Lucas said, gesturing to the group of their silly friends. It seemed like he was speaking more to himself when he followed that up with, “I feel so lucky.”

 

Remus bit the inside of his cheek and then let himself breath out a small, but sincere “yeah” as he looked at this brilliant, kind blond-haired boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sirius tries to kiss Remus while Remus doesn't want him to; Remus is a bit shaken afterwards but nothing happens
> 
> I promised myself I'd post this today and I have with less than ten minutes to spare! Go me.  
> I liked this a lot when I was writing it but feel a little meh about my writing in this chap so I hope it turned out alright, I'm a little brain dead from mid-terms
> 
> Also, it didn't fit in but during the lake scene Sirius is hexing young Slytherins to blow off some steam and doesn't know they're all hanging out


	17. Another Year Gone By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> O.W.L.s are completed and the gang boards the Hogwarts Express.

A huff of warm air ghosted the back of Remus’ neck. 

 

“Good luck.”

 

Remus startled so much he banged his knee on the table. He bit the inside of his cheek, swallowing a yelp.

 

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you - I, well - I figured you’d probably come here - study a bit before - that was stupid - you probably need to focus - er, are you okay? Here I am rambling and you’ve probably broken your knee - erm, you alright?”

 

Remus ducked his head, feeling a bit guilty that he didn’t cut off Lucas’ word-vomit but sometimes it was too endearing to stop him from it. 

 

“I’m alright, Lucas, honest,” he said, his features soft as he gazed up at the flustered boy.

 

Lucas rubbed the back of his neck and then gestured to the chair beside Remus, asking if he could sit with him.

 

“Mhm,” Remus hummed in response.

 

Sitting down, Lucas asked, “How are you feeling?”

 

Remus nibbled on his inner cheek again, scraping with his teeth a little too harsh. His first exam started in a little less than two hours and though Lucas’ presence eased some of his tension, his nerves were still in overdrive.

 

Seeing those green eyes glaze over and a wrinkle form between Remus’ eyebrows, Lucas cautiously and lightly nudged his converse against Remus’ feet.

 

“You’re going to do great, Rem.”

 

Remus sighed and dropped his head on top of his crossed arms. Dreams of the past weeks flitted through his mind - being late to an exam, acquiring intense amnesia in the middle of one, and even somehow transforming into the werewolf during one.

 

“I need to do beyond great,” he mumbled, head still down. “This is much more important for me than others.”

 

This was true. Of course, O.W.L.s were important to everyone, but they had a much bigger weight on Remus’ career. He was at an enormous disadvantage by being a werewolf, something employers will not be sympathetic of, and he had to compensate for it in any way he could. The likelihood of getting a good job, even an okay-ish paying job, was not high, but having Outstandings could bring it up a bit. Hopefully.

 

Lucas knew none of this, but one of the great things about him is he didn’t push Remus for details no matter the subject. He had no idea what Remus meant by saying it was more important for him, but he still understood in a way without understanding. He didn’t think Remus was being overdramatic or self-centered. He trusted whatever Remus voiced and didn’t doubt that it was true.

 

“Can I help in any way?”

 

Remus lifted his head to look at Lucas. His broad shoulders hunched a bit to be closer to Remus and his face was open as a book, sincerity plastered on his face with a dash of determination to do whatever Remus would request. 

 

For an intense second, Remus considered running away and shutting Lucas out. Lucas was far too good to be friends with him and Remus knew in every fiber he didn’t deserve this kindness. 

 

He pushed away the thought of Black sneering and focused back on Lucas, taking in for the first time that his hair was ruffled and eyes were puffy. His cloak was wrinkled and cheeks slightly more flushed than usual.

 

“Did you run straight from your bed down here?” he asked, frowning a bit.

 

Lucas’ eyes widened and he reached up to smooth his hair. Remus expected him to be defensive but an easy smile crossed his face, his eyes a little shy, when he told Remus he wanted to wish him good luck and was worried he’d miss him.

 

“How’d you know I’d be in the library?”

 

Lucas shrugged. “You’d want to be somewhere that calms you.”

 

His chest made a funny movement. That’s exactly why Remus came here, but it was a bit scary how calmer Lucas made the atmosphere. It was as if his pores were firmly clogged and the heat of Lucas’ personality coaxed them open, allowing anxiety to seep out. 

 

———

 

The two weeks of exams ate up time faster than Peter ate during midnight snack rages. Remus ended up crashing on the couch more often than not on accident and Lily and James took to levitating him to their respective dorms depending on who saw him first. 

 

Lucas continued to drop by the library in the morning to wish him luck and sometimes wish him luck again if ran into him at other points of the day.

 

The second Remus and James exited their last exam, Muggles Studies, James collapsed on the floor and began kissing the ground, murmuring “freedom” between each smooch.

 

———

 

Boarding the train, Remus and James paused together for a moment as people filed into compartments.

 

James was used to Moony’s searching eyes, knowing that Remus wouldn’t stop roaming his face until he figured out what was going on in his head. Seeing what he expected, Moony pulled James in for a tight hug.

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll be with the Girls. You sit with him and Peter,” he reassured.

 

James pulled back, his whole body drooping. “I’m sorry, it’s just - ”

 

Remus flicked Jamie’s nose. “No explanations needed, you’re gonna keep checking up on me anyway. You’re a good friend, Jamie.”

 

Happy little bubbles settled in James’ heart.

 

———

 

Upon sliding the door open and discovering the Girls all grinning at him, Dorcas waving a large pair of scissors, Remus attempted to bolt, not wanting to know - but his robes snagged on Lily’s trunk and she reached a hand out to yank him in.

 

———

 

James side-glanced at Sirius in the quiet compartment. He was staring out the window with a surly expression. He’d been keeping to himself the past month, which James was proud of, but he snapped at James whenever he’d come back from doing something with Remus, which James was less proud of. 

 

James sat with his mixed feelings, part of himself wanting to reach out because he knew Sirius was about to spend months with his horrid family and the other half of him feeling like he needed to give Sirius some space.

 

“Wanna play Exploding Snap?” Wormtail asked, mostly directed at James, blue eyes wide and hopeful. 

 

———

 

“I’m going mad! I can’t find the poster anywhere in your damn trunk - and yes, for the fifth time checked the bottom right corner!”

 

“How terrible, I guess we’ll have to do something else - ow!”

 

“Nuh-uh-uh. I’ll just eyeball it. Merlin knows I’ve gazed at that hunk on a broomstick enough to have memorized his hair. Now, stop squirming or your ear will be cut clean off.” 

 

———

 

Frank muffled a snigger as Lucas. The chaser frowned to himself, mumbling the same phrase to himself over and over.

 

Benjy talked with a mouthful of chocolate frog. “Mate, you gotta stop. If I hear you say it one more time I’ll make you eat that spotted yellow and brown bean. If you’re so nervous, just write it down on a piece of paper.”

 

Gid waved the box of Bertie Bot’s Every Flavored beans, said repulsive bean sitting on top.

 

———

 

“See? It looks good.” Dorky handed him the mirror so he could inspect her work. “I cut your front bangs a little bit shorter than last time, but your eyes look great without the curls covering them.”

 

“I don’t look…weird?”

 

Lily patted his cheek. “Dashing.”

 

“You look fit.”

 

“Marls!”

 

“What, do you prefer sexy?”

 

Remus, Alice, and Lily chorused _ew!_ but Dorcas flipped her hair with a smirk, taking it as a compliment on her work.

 

———

 

Sirius moved over and held his hand out. Peter smiled, handing over some cards so he could join them.

 

———

 

“Ladies and babybear, may I have this sweet, gorgeous blonde for a moment? I have brought another blond in exchange.”

 

Frank nudged Lucas into the compartment. The Girls shared a collective glance, eyes smirking.

 

Lily made space between her and Remus, patting the spot. “You might as well make yourself comfortable, when Frank says a moment he means the rest of the journey.”

 

Frank merely swooped down to press a cheek kiss to Alice’s cheek. She pretended to not swoon, but everyone knew otherwise, and stood up, grabbed his hand, and deserted the gang while saying _c’mon handsome._

 

“Er, I, uh, like your haircut, Rem.”

 

Marlene made eye contact with Remus and mouthed “sexy”.

 

———

 

“It’s been a long year,” Peter said.

 

Sirius pretended to be sleeping.

 

———

 

Alice leaned her forehead against Frank’s.

 

“What a year,” she said, breathless.

 

Frank pressed a soft kiss on her lips. “Just wait until the summer.”

 

———

 

“I’ve come bringing gifts to celebrate the end of hell!” James proclaimed, arms full of sweets as he slid opened the Girls’ compartment.

 

The Girls immediately snatched up their favorite sweets, sporting sentiments about another year gone by. Lucas was able to grab two chocolate frogs.

 

“Cheers,” he said, handing one to Remus.

 

Remus didn’t even need the chocolate to feel warmth spread through him.

 

“To a shitty year?” Remus suggested, layering on the sarcasm. 

 

The rainstick laughter bubbled out and Lucas’ shook his head.

 

“The last few months haven been alright,” he quipped, the beginnings of lazy confidence peeking through his brown eyes.

 

Feeling a little bold himself, Remus quipped, “Just alright?”

 

“Mm’ maybe a little splendid,” Lucas teased.

 

“Splendid?” Remus crinkled with laughter at the silly word choice. 

 

The rest of the compartment acted as if they didn’t hear the whole exchange, all a little won over by the satisfied smile on the Ravenclaw’s face at making Remus laugh.

 

———

 

Students piled off the Hogwarts Express and the goodbyes got messy on the platform. Peter and James were crying - it was hard to say who triggered the other. The Girls rolled their eyes but their voices were entirely sappy as they carried out their usual ritual when Alice finally returned.

 

Lily punched Dorcas’ shoulder, “goodbye, asshole”, Dorcas smacked Marlene’s cheek, “see you, slut”, Marlene kicked Alice’s shin, “Au revoir, harlot”, and Alice jabbed Lily in the rib, “good riddance, bitch”.

 

Remus shook his head fondly.

 

“Er, Rem?”

 

Remus turned to Lucas, who lingered behind him. He fidgeted with something in his hands, face a little pale.

 

Remus made sure his voice was softer. “Yeah?”

 

“Er, I was wondering, well, uh, you’re half-blood so that means - well you must have, er, do you - muggle telephone?” Lucas thrust a piece of parchment at Remus. “Phone number - er, my house number. If you want?”

 

Lucas rocked on the balls of his feet, biting his lip to keep him from blurting out more nonsense. Lucas actually wanted to stay in contact with him? Remus nodded his head, too overwhelmed to trust his voice.

 

Lucas let out a loud breath. “I can call you?”

 

Remus nodded again and was rewarded by more laughter that Lucas didn’t seem able to contain. 

 

“Great! Okay, I gotta go, but talk to you soon, yeah?”

 

The second Lucas retreated, the Girls were on him, each insisting on kissing the cheek of their best guy. James and Peter (still crying) eagerly jumped in, planting wet, sloppy kisses at the same time on opposite cheeks. Remus pulled both of them in for a headlock, rolling his eyes at Frank who made a kissy face from where he stood with his parents.

 

———

 

Walburga Black sneered at Sirius as he walked to her after a long, hard hug with James. Before she could remark on it, her eyes glistened with pride as she spotted Regulus.

 

——— 

 

Remus’ parents took him out to lunch at a small cafe before going home. They hardly went to eat, because of their financial situation, and Remus felt a small pool of guilt as he ordered the least expensive things on the menu, but his parents insisted on a small celebration. 

 

A boy a few years younger than Remus sat at a table near them and threw snooty, judging glances at Remus for holding his mother’s hand across the table. If he wasn’t with his parents, he would have snorted at the boy because he couldn’t care less. Where was the shame in loving your mother? Even if Remus was embarrassed, he wouldn’t pull his hand away. His mother worried about him to the point of sickness while he was away and the first few days of whenever he came home, she’d need to reach out and touch his shoulder or hug him to convince herself he was there and safe. 

 

“A friend at work said he was there during your DADA exam,” Lyall Lupin said, sipping his water. “He said he was impressed.”

 

Remus shifted in his seat at the proud upturn of his father’s lips. He wanted to say something to demean his abilities, but he was trying to be better at accepting compliments. He ducked his head a bit, lifting up one shoulder.

 

“That’s my smart cookie,” Hope gloated, adopting a teasing tone as she added, “finishing all his B.I.R.D.s.”

 

Remus and Lyall laughed - Hope loved playing up the “oblivious muggle” role, poking fun at the wizarding world. It felt like a sacred family ritual and it had the same effect on Remus as the soothing scent of his mother’s lavender perfume. He had been worried that without his friends, he’d start to go downward in the summer, but he forgot how much he missed and loved his parents. 

 

Remus excused himself to the bathroom after a lengthy interrogation of his classes and how his friends were doing and more importantly, how the full moons have been. When he was out of earshot, Lyall leaned to his wife.

 

“He seems well.”

 

Hope hummed with a serene smile. “It looks like he’s made new friends. He looked so happy with them.”

 

They both thought of how relaxed Remus was, giving hugs with ease; ever since he’d been bitten as young boy, he’d been extremely skittish with any form of touching others. Lyall’s mind moved onto the distance his son kept with Sirius while Hope’s drifted to the blond boy that made the back of Remus’ neck go red. Those thoughts were saved for later as the tussled head of curls returned (a new haircut! Another new thought to think about).

 

Hope reached for his hand, giving it a light squeeze. “Ready for the chocolate cake I baked?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to get into the summer this chapter but I have a big essay due so it will have to wait until the next one. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! : )


	18. Summer: June-July

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer! Phone calls + advice + the beach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want the summer to be just two chapters, so this one and the next are a little longer than usual.
> 
> TW: small panic attack implied

_Rem,_

_Things with Petunia have only got worse since I last wrote. Even Mum and Dad have noticed. Sometimes I wish I was a muggle so we could be friends again, but then I would have never met you or the girls, so I can’t dwell too much. Al offered for me to come stay with her for a few weeks and I think I will. You have to come visit then, no excuses! Marls said something about getting together at the beach. Doesn’t that sound lovely?_

_I miss you dearly. Please be careful next week and write me as soon as you are healed and feel well enough._

_Love,_

_Lily_

 

———

 

MOONY!

I’M COMING BACK TOMORROW! WOULD HOPE AND LY MIND IF I COME SEE YOU AFTER THE MOON? I’M SORRY I CAN’T BE WITH YOU DURING IT BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW WE COULD DO IT WITHOUT THEM DISCOVERING PRONGS :(:( :(

HAVE YOU SPOKEN WITH LOVERBOY? ;)

LILY RESPONDED TO MY LETTER! SHE SAID SOD OFF, BUT ANY RESPONSE IS A RESPONSE NONE THE LESS!! 

I’M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU MOONY-BOY, YOUR LAST LETTER TOOK 3 DAYS TO COME! AM I NOT WORTHY OF DAILY LOVE??? :’(

YOUR BESTEST MATE,

PRONGS

 

———

 

**You were in my dream. There was a gigantic man-eating grapefruit, a tiny pair of scissors, and fifty pounds of vanilla pudding.**

**~ Frank**

 

———

 

Sweetheart,

I don’t know if Frank has already told you, but don’t even ask about the dream. You don’t want to know. 

Missing you! - Alice

 

———

 

Remus folded up the letters, responding to Lily and James immediately and choosing to ignore Frank’s (though he taped it up on the wall). He stood by his window, still open from letting the four owls in. Usually, he didn’t get this much mail a day, but his friends ended up sending letters at the same time every once and awhile. The loneliness of previous holidays seemed so far away. 

 

There was still a morning chill to the air, but the temperature seemed to rise by the minute. The heat wave mostly hit Lils (though now she’d be at Al’s) and Marls, but it still caused the place where the Lupins currently lived to be a smidge warmer than usual. 

 

It was nice where they were, the cottage was one story and shabby but his mother was crafty with decorating. The walls were painted in warm hues of yellow and blue that made the rooms glow when the sun hit it right. Pictures of himwere hung up through the ages and a few here and there of her and his dad before Remus was born. With knick-knacks spread throughout, mismatched furniture that oddly fit together, and knitted quilts that complimented everything, the house was like a warm hug. Technically, the most important part of living here wasn’t the house, but the area around it. Their closest neighbor was a ten-minute walk away and the area surrounding the house was nothing but grass and hills and a few trees. It was ideal for Remus’… situation. 

 

Remus sighed, pressing his elbows into the window sill and leaning out to relish in the sharp sting of the passing burst of wind. Growing up, his family had to move around a lot to avoid Remus being discovered. They haven’t had to move in four years, the longest they’ve ever stayed anywhere, because, with Remus at Hogwarts, there was less of a chance of suspicions building since he only transformed three or four times a year at home. 

 

He eyed the rectangle of wood in the grass a good distance away, knowing that when pulled, it revealed a moderately sized cellar that did well to keep him trapped with the supplemented spells and charms. Remus’ skin felt tight just thinking about it. He wished Jamie and Wormy could be with him, but he would never risk exposing them as illegal animagi. 

 

The kettle screamed and Remus jumped a bit, forgetting his original intention of making tea. Grabbing a book to pin under his arm, he hurried out and into the kitchen to get a nice cup of hot honey tea and settle in an armchair for hours of relaxation.

 

 

———

 

Remus fiddled with the slip of paper in his hands. He reached out to the phone for the seventh time tonight (twenty-third time in the past two weeks) and sucked in a big breath, dialing the numbers on the paper even though he now knew every digit by heart.

 

Someone picked up the phone by the fourth ring.

 

“Hullo?”

 

It was a man’s voice, but Remus wasn’t sure if it was Lucas’ and he worried he had dialed the number wrong.

 

“Lucas?” Remus held his breath.

 

“Rem, is that really you?”

 

Remus was thankful his mum was out grocery shopping and wasn’t there to see his flushing cheeks.

 

“Yes?” It came out more of a question so he tried it again. “Yes.”

 

“Hi! Wait one second.” There was rustling and Remus pulled the phone away a bit until it settled down. “You still there?”

 

Remus’ nerves quieted a bit at the worry laced in Lucas’ voice as if he was scared Remus had decided to hang up.

 

“Still here,” he quipped weakly.

 

“You alright?”

 

Remus’ voice was a lot stronger than he felt. “Yeah, you?”

 

“Fantastic! I’m glad you called.”

 

The idea astonished Remus. He had been putting off calling for the past weeks because he was sure Lucas hadn’t meant it. Lucas was so kind, he had plenty of other friends — better friends — to give his earnest attention to.

 

Remus regretted the insecurity in his voice as he asked, “Yeah?”

 

“Yes,” Lucas decisively responded. “I’ve been dying for days with the ignorance of not knowing what you’ve eaten for breakfast.”

 

Laughter flew easily from Remus. “Tea and a scone.”

 

“Just a plain scone? No butter, no jelly?”

 

Remus rolled his eyes. “Strawberry jam. Do you want to know how many spoonfuls? It was three.”

 

Even from miles away and through the static of the telephone, Lucas’ laughter was beautiful and pure as rain. Remus wondered how he ever doubted that it was Lucas’ voice who picked up.

 

“See? I don’t know how I’ve survived so long without that Rem snark.”

 

“You’re unbearable,” Remus mused in an attempt to sound exasperated, but his mind was more occupied with how the nickname rolled off Lucas’ tongue.

 

“Yet,” Lucas’ voice was grinning, “you’re still here.”

 

———

 

The first thing Remus was aware of when he woke up was pain. Flashes of the night rapidly crossed his mind: the wolf’s frustration of being kept inside and its hurt of being abandoned by Prongs and Wormtail, the ramming into cement walls, the scratching and biting, and the cracking of bones.

 

The second thing he was aware of was the smell of woodsy broomsticks and lemon shampoo.

 

“Ja — ?” Remus’ throat failed to pass words, dry and scratchy.

 

A glass of cold water pressed into his hands and he gulped it greedily. His eyes greeted a bleary image of dark brown eyes.

 

James murmured, “Hey Moony.”

 

He took the water back and placed it at Moony’s bedside table. He explained that he could only be here for a few more minutes before Hope would gently insist that he’d leave.

 

“She means well,” Remus croaked. “You know she adores you. The whole wolf-y thing just freaks her out and she wants to be the one to hover over me.”

 

“Oh, of course! I just wanted you to know I’m not deserting you or anything.”

 

Remus cracked a smile. “Given free reign, you’d coddle me 24/7, Jamie.”

 

James swelled with shameless pride. His spirits dropped as Moony closed his eyes, visibly drained of energy. Anxiety trickled into his heart as he surveyed the damages: a broken leg and long scratches down his chest. His heart squeezed at the new face cut, a pinky length incision starting from his lower check and slicing through the beginning of the right side of his lips and ending a bit past the middle of his lips. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Moony about it now, knowing how distraught he’d be. The last thing he needs right now is stress if he wanted to heal fast.

 

“I love you Moons,” James whispered, his words coming out like cushions, so gentle. “You’re amazing and I love you.”

 

Remus hummed, unable to keep fully awake. “Lu’ yo’ too Ja’ ee.”

 

———

 

“Remus darling,” Hope called from the kitchen. “Someone’s on the phone for you.”

 

Curling a blanket around his shoulders, Remus limped out of his bedroom. His mother set the telephone receiver on the counter and rushed to help him sit down at the table.

 

“It’s that sweet gentleman who keeps calling,” she whispered in his ear, curious. 

 

His mum had kept him bedridden the past four days, not giving him a spare moment to sneak a phone call to tell Lucas he wasn’t well. Every midday he has called, now mostly to inquire on Remus’ health (Hope told him Remus had a fever), but he hadn’t been allowed to talk. He’d barely convinced her to be able to send Jamie letters. Now, however, his mum must have decided he was well enough for some short human interaction.

 

Hope pulled the cord of the phone over to the table and handed the receiver to Remus. He stared pointedly at her until she walked out of the room.

 

“Lucas?”

 

“You alright, Rem?” Lucas asked, his usual humor absent.

 

Remus made a noncommittal noise, unable to lie to Lucas. He ran his fingers over the diagonal raised flesh across his lips.

 

“I got a new comic today, I thought, er… well, I told you I’d introduce, but I know I wanted — in person, but, uh, I just thought how when you were in the hospital wing?”

 

Deciphering Lucas’ jumbled rambles was easy and becoming a familiar comfort. Remus smiled, dropping his hand from his cut.

 

“Read to me,” Remus lightly demands.

 

“Alright,” Lucas said and his voice was soft, sounding more like rain than ever, the quieter kind that comes after a large storm. “This is Hulk, the angry green man I told you about…”

 

———

 

Lucas started calling twice a day upon Remus’ request to hear more of the superhero adventures. His healing was slower without the help of Poppy, but by the time they hung up the itch in Remus’ bones and the throbbing headache was replaced with a funny, but pleasant feeling in his chest. 

 

Lucas was good at picking up on Remus’ energy. He knew when to just read in his rain voice and when to make conversation.

 

“Rem.”

 

“Mm?”

 

Lucas exhaled the start of a light chuckle.“I think it’s time for sleep.”

 

“Why?” Remus whined, too tired to be embarrassed by it. His traitorous body chose that moment to yawn loudly and Lucas laughed.

 

“I’ll call tomorrow,” he promised.

 

“You,” Remus yawned, “better.”

 

“Good night, Rem.” Lucas waited for Remus to hang up the phone, as he did every call.

 

———

 

MOONY!!!!!! LOOK MUM TOOK ME TO THE STORE YESTERDAY AND I FOUND THE MUGGLE CANDIES YOU LIKE!! I LOVE YOU <3 <3 <3 MUMMY AND DAD SAY HI AND THEY’RE EXCITED TO SEE YOU SOON! 

TELL HOPE I SEND MY WARMEST THANKS FOR THE COOKIES!! 

<3,

PRONGS

 

Remus had forgotten about his peppermints! He ripped the container from the package open and popped five into his mouth.

 

———

 

Remus clutched his nauseous stomach. A loud and strongly peppermint-tasting belch escaped his mouth.

 

The empty candy tin mocked him.

 

Remus groaned, vowing to never go near anything mint again.

 

———

 

“Darling, do you want me to pick you up anything from the store?”

 

“Peppermints, please!”

 

———

 

The Lupins sat in comfortable silence, enjoying supper together.

 

“Alice invited me and James to come to the beach with her and Lily,” Remus piped up, eating another mouthful of shepherd’s pie.

 

The table was small enough for Hope to easily stretch her hand to place on Remus’ knee. She gave it a light squeeze.

 

“That sounds fun.”

 

Remus shrugged, but Lyall and Hope caught the quirk of his lips. They shared a secret smile.

 

———

 

“Hey,” Lucas started to speak and his voice changed from soft and easy to forced casual. Remus could hear the faint whooshing of him playing with the telephone cord. “Alice, uh, sent me a letter asking if I, uh — ”

 

“Wanted to go to the beach?” Remus cut in.

 

“I don’t have to go,” Lucas rushed to say. “Not that I wouldn’t love to — I would love to — but I wanted to make sure you would too. Be fine with me going. I mean, these are _your_ friends and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable and Frank won’t be able to come and I wanted to make sure — ”

 

“Lucas,” Remus laughed a bit, cutting him off again. “I was the one who asked her if you could come, but I had her ask you so you didn’t feel obligated because of me.” Remus comforted, “You’re not being rude at all.”

 

“Obligated!” Lucas partly shouted in indignation. “You think - erm, never mind. Wait, are they okay if I come then?”

 

Remus bit his cheek to smother the oncoming grin, even though there was no one to see it.

 

“As long as you want to come, everyone’s happy,” he clarified.

 

“Yes! I’d love to! Er,” Lucas coughed and his voice returned deep and oddly formal as he repeated, “Yes, that would be nice.”

 

Remus rolled his eyes right as his mother came into the kitchen and she shot him an amused smile.

 

“Who has you smiling so dopey? Oh, is that your boy on the phone?” She reached her hand over to grab the phone. “I want to say hi!”

 

“Igottagobye!”

 

Lucas started to say bye but Remus slammed the phone on its hook.

 

“Mum!” Remus whined, praying that Lucas hadn’t heard her say “your boy”.

 

Hope walked closer to her baby and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

 

“You’re so secretive, love,” she said, placing her palm on his cheek. She searched his face, but he focused his eyes on the ground.

 

“He’s just a friend,” he grumbled. “I don’t know why everyone implies we’re something more because we’re not.”

 

Hope strokes his cheek with her thumb. “Okay,” she murmurs. “I apologize.”

 

Remus half-heartedly raised a shoulder and she let go to pour him a glass a water. 

 

“You know, it’s okay to let people in,” she said as she handed him a cup. 

 

Remus stared at the telephone.

 

———

 

At night, Remus finally sat at his desk, quill in hand, as he wondered who to send the letter to. Really, he only had to choose one of the Girls to relay the message to seeing as when he sent Al an owl to ask Lucas if he wanted to come Remus woke up to letters from all four Girls telling him: just ask Lucas yourself, dork; you’re too sweet! of course I’ll ask; REM I AM SO PROUD OF YOU; and you get him, tiger. It left him grinning but stomach quenching with the implications.

 

Remus bit his lip, which reminded him of Lucas, which reminded him of how eager he had sounded on the phone, which led to his stomach bubbling up with excitement. 

 

Thinking of what his mom said in the kitchen, Remus started scribbling in handwriting a little messier than usual:

 

_Dear Jamie,_

_He said yes. Is it silly how happy that makes me? Nevermind, I already know the answer to that._

_I’m also a little… scared. Does that make sense?_

 

Remus set the quill down and nibbled on his fingernails, torn between writing more and throwing the parchment away. Pulling his courage together, he folded the paper over and stuck it in an envelope. 

 

Creeping down the stairs, he woke up the owl that his dad had been borrowing from work for the past week. The tawny creature looked rather offended but stuck its leg out anyway.

 

Tying it on and opening the window to let the owl out, Remus felt a tension in his shoulders release.

 

———

 

The day before Remus went to spend two weeks with James, Hope was determined to have as much Remus-time as possible. She stuffed him full of breakfast, touching his shoulder and kissing his head as much as possible. She pulled the second armchair closer to the one he always sat and read next to him, pausing occasionally to just stare at him with a smile and refilling his mug of honey tea over and over. 

 

Remus came up with the idea to pull a quilt out and lie on it under the sun, watching clouds pass by like they used to do when he was a child.

 

“That one looks like a train.”

 

Hope tilted her head, following where Remus was pointing his fingers.

 

“I see more of a t-rex with a trail of baby t-rexes running after her.”

 

Remus huffed. “Always trying to one up me in creativity, right Mum?”

 

“Mmm, you didn’t think you got your competitiveness from your father’s side, did you?”

 

Remus chuckled and moved to press a kiss to her forehead.

 

———

 

Hope kissed her son’s cheeks for the third time, finally pulling away and forcing herself out the door to go for a walk. Remus and Lyall both knew she was only leaving because she’d get too sad saying bye to Remus, even if he was only going to be gone for a few weeks.

 

Remus and Lyall sat on the couch in front of the fireplace, awaiting James and Fleamont. 

 

“I’m really proud of you.” Lyall’s hand was large and warm on Remus’ shoulder.

 

Remus ducked his head, storing the praise into his heart. Being away most of the year, Remus was mostly in the unknown over the pride his parents had for him. He never realized how much he needed it until he was back home. It made him inflate like a balloon. His parents gushed over him all morning after an owl flew in with his O.W.L. results. 

 

Remus leaned into his father’s touch, knowing that with him, what he really is communicating is left unsaid. Remus was fluent in this silent exchange, finding it a trait that passed directly onto him as well. Remus gathered his father meant _I’m sorry for how hard you had to work for your exams; I’m sorry how much weight these results have on your life; I can’t express how proud of you I am; you are so strong._

 

Remus leaned his head on Lyall’s shoulder, hiding his wet eyes. 

 

———

 

A mass of black hair and glasses hurled out of the fireplace. 

 

“Moony! MoonyMoonyMoony!” James sang as he barreled into Remus with a hard hug. 

 

Remus heard a second whoosh and a deep chuckle.

 

“My apologies, Lyall,” Fleamont said. “This one’s been looking forward to this all summer.”

 

James pulled back, arms still circled around Remus, and grinned, eyes dancing.

 

“Hello to you too, Jamie,” Remus deadpanned. James’ smile widened.

 

Letting go of Remus, James pushed his glasses up his nose and held his hand out to Lyall. “Nice to see you again, Mr. Lupin. You’re looking dapper as always.”

 

Lyall ignored the outstretched hand and went straight to ruffling James’ already unkempt hair. Meanwhile, Fleamont pulled Remus into a tight hug, making it clear whose genes James inherited. 

 

Everyone chatted for a bit before it was time to go.

 

“Tell Hope I say hello and I’m sorry I missed her,” Fleamont said and James added for him as well.

 

Remus grabbed a pinch of floo power and stepped into the fireplace.

 

———

 

“Sunblock?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Sandwiches?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Towels? Bathing suits? Umbrella? Picnic blanket?”

 

“Yes, yes, yes, yes!”

 

“Sunhat?”

 

_“Mummy!”_

 

Remus clamped his teeth down on his tongue — the marauders loved to poke fun at James for still calling his mother _mummy_. It was actually adorable. Remus didn’t know if he found this or the fact that James just had this same conversation with him minutes earlier more amusing.

 

“Alright, alright,” Euphemia relented. She hugged James and Remus caught her subtly checking through the beach bag behind his back. She winked at him.

 

Releasing her son, she pointed at Remus. “You next, mister.”

 

Remus stepped forward as was routine and Euphemia pressed a soft kiss to each cheek. The wrinkles around her eyes creased as she smiled fondly at him. On a whim, she re-kissed each cheek. James impatiently wrapped his hand around Remus’ forearm and pulled him away.

 

“Mummy, we’re going to be late!”

 

“Alright, let’s get you two to that portkey then.”

 

———

 

The beach was gorgeous. It was a private, secluded beach a short walk from Marlene’s house. The white sand squished beneath their feet, no doubt boiling hot under their shoes. Soft, dark waves crashed lazily on shore and the sky was wide open, an endless stretch of dizzyingly pale blue without a cloud in sight. An occasional soft breeze provided welcome relief from the sweltering sun.

 

The two boys and the Girls set up camp in front of a cluster of small sand dunes. Everyone sang praise for Euphemia’s two large beach umbrellas. Remus and Lily sat under the shade on the picnic blanket, toes digging into sand as the talked in hushed voices while James and Dorcas were in an intense conversation over Quidditch (apparently she didn’t only pay attention to the players’ good looks). Marlene and Alice lied on their stomachs on identical red and white striped towels, tanning. Well, it was more of Alice’s fair skin sunburning and Marlene half-napping, her skin too dark to tan much.

 

“Anyway, enough about me loving it at Al’s,” Lily heaved a happy sigh. “How’s it been at Potter’s place?”

 

Remus unconsciously turned to look at James with a smile. “Good,” he said. “His dad’s been playing around with a few new hair potions and uses us as test subjects. The last one made Jamie’s hair grow all the way down to his knees.”

 

Lily snort-giggled, turning to gaze at James, trying to imagine it and laughed some more. James caught her gaze and flashed a million-watt smile. Narrowing her eyes, Lily faced back to an amused Remus.

 

“When’s Lucas coming?” She asked before Remus had a chance to comment.

 

Remus scooped up a handful of sand, watching it slip through his fingers. “Soon, I think.”

 

“You don’t sound too excited,” Lily observed him struggle to come up with what to say. After a period of tense silence, he tapped his pointer finger on the scar crossing his lips.

 

“Oh, Rem. He’s not going to think of you any different.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

Lily felt the buzzing desperation inside her, coming from Remus himself, something she hadn’t felt in months. She knocked her knee against his.

 

“If he was the type of person to look down on you for a scar, do you think we’d let him near you? He’s Frank’s friend and as dim as Frank can be, he’s got a real knack for seeing right through someone’s bullshit.”

 

Remus fell back onto the blanket with a _thrump_ and a garbled groan.

 

———

 

“Yo, Lucas! We’re over here!”

 

———

 

“Remus, for fuck’s sake! There’s no way you can hide all 6 feet two inches behind me!”

 

“It’s not my fault you’re the size of a dwarf, Al!”

 

“Just woman up and go say hi!”

 

———

 

“Er, h-hi,” Remus stuttered, eyes wide.

 

Lucas grinned shyly, rubbing the back of his neck, causing the sleeve of his blue t-shirt to ride up and display the slight bulge of muscle.

 

_Ah, jeez._ Remus blamed his faint feeling on dehydration. He could really use a drink of cold water right now.

 

“I like your sweater.”

 

Confused, Remus gazed down at himself. “Oh, right,” he said lamely to his green jumper.

 

“Lucas, let me help you set up,” Dorcas appeared and grabbed the cooler from Lucas’ hand. Remus sent her a grateful look.

 

Marlene popped up on Remus right, popping pink bubblegum. “Cat got your tongue?”

 

Lily popped up on his left, with teasing smile. “More like hunk got your tongue, eh Rem?”

 

Remus flipped them off as they high-fived each other.

 

——— 

 

“MOONY MOONY-KINS LUPIN PUT MORE SUNBLOCK ON BEFORE I HEX YOUR ASS.”

———

 

“Honestly, I wouldn’t object to watching that.”

 

“Mmhm.”

 

———

 

Lucas sat on the edge of the picnic blanket, near Remus but far enough away that it didn’t make him feel obligated to talk. Remus’ stomach flipped and he scooted over.

 

Lucas dragged his teeth over his bottom lip before quietly saying, “Hello, Rem.”

 

Remus started to reach his hand up to cover the scar, but jolted midway and forced himself to stop. He took a deep breath and turned his head to Lucas, giving a small upturn of his lips.

 

“It’s nice out,” Lucas commented. “I love the beach.”

 

_You’re nice_ , Remus thought and mentally kicked himself. Where were all these thoughts coming from? Maybe it was the beach. Remus had only been to the ocean once or twice in his life.

 

The only thing he could come up with to say was blurting out, “It’s weird being able to see your face.”

 

Lucas looked more amused than confused, his mole getting lost in his smile as he waited for Remus to go on.

 

“Uh, because we’ve been talking on the phone for so long and it’s weird, uh —” wasn’t Lucas supposed to be the flustered one? — “I just haven’t seen you in person in so long.”

 

Remus felt ready to bury his head in the sand. In so long? It’s only been a little more than a month.

 

“No, no I feel the same! I was starting to forget if your hair was brown or orange.”

 

Remus lifted his sandy foot to press it into Lucas’ thigh, digging his toenails in a bit. “Ha. Ha.”

 

Lucas laughed and Remus let himself be carried into the sound.

 

———

 

“Okay, so we wait until the tide washes over… and now! Quickly as it recedes!” Lucas made sure Remus was paying attention and as he scooped a handful of sand. It fell out of his fingers in wet clumps. Nothing happened.

 

“Is that it?”

 

Lucas threw a crooked grin and the sunlight caught on his eyes for a moment. Remus was less interested in whatever they were doing and a little more preoccupied at counting the large, dark freckles scattered across Lucas’ broad shoulders. He didn’t have any others on the rest of his body and there was something about the freckles that Remus found precious. It felt like a little secret — no one at school saw them because of the everyday cloaks.

 

“Rem? Are you listening?”

 

“What? Oh yes,” Remus scrambled. “Dig into the sand, not that difficult.”

 

Lucas turned back to the water and this time Remus joined him as the wave pulled back. He pushed his fingers into the wetness and rounded his hands in a big clump. Holding it up, Remus raised his eyebrows with a dry look. His palms started to tickle and he looked down to see the sand was in motion.

 

“Wha-” Remus began to ask before he fully experienced the squiggly feeling of legs burrowing into his hands. He let out a high-pitched shriek. “What the fuck!”

 

He shook his hands in terror to toss the living things back into the sand, not hard enough to hurt them but urgent enough to _get them the fuck away_. A wrangled distress sound escaped his throat as disturbing gray lumps with awkward legs shoved themselves back into the sand.

 

Remus snapped his head up with horrified eyes and he became aware of Lucas clutching his stomach with one hand in full body laughter. He tried to say something multiple times but kept getting brought back into another fit. 

 

“They- they- they’re ju-just sand crabs, Rem!” Lucas managed to pit out 

 

“Those were not sand crabs! Those were - were spawns of the devil! Disguised as ugly little monsters!”

 

Remus violently shivered at the creepy sensation of it wiggling on his skin. Lucas was useless in peals of laughter. Balling up cold, wet sand, Remus catapulted it at the blond boy’s face. 

 

Lucas reeled back at the splatter, stunned as Remus grinned wickedly before sprinting to safety.

 

———

 

James set his towel next to Lily’s. If he was any other man, he would have shriveled in a puddle of his own piss from her unimpressed side-glance. But James had been on the receiving end of this look and far worse variations for five years now and he was one step ahead of all other men. 

 

He merely pissed himself mentally and only his organs shriveled up instead of his whole body. Plus, it had no effect on deterring him.

 

“Lily,” he said, hiding his enthusiasm with an air of calm. “I found you something.”

 

Lily hesitantly accepted the pink seashell, thinking how it looked like a miniature hand fan. She ran her fingers over the ridges. 

 

“It’s pretty.”

 

She didn’t smile, but her eyes were soft around the edges and James erupted in ecstasy.

 

“Great! I got more for you then!” He gushed.

 

Lily’s jaw dropped comically as James pulled a bag from behind him and dumped at least twenty to thirty more shells in her lap. 

 

———

 

“But you’re alright?” Lucas inquired, his voice dipping lower in concern. “I know you were sick a while ago and we’ve talked since then, but I just wanted to check in person too.”

 

Remus soaked in the sunshine, his sleeves rolled up. He could feel beads of sweat roll down his chest under the fuzzy jumper and idly wondered how long would it take before Jamie came bellowing that he needed to reapply the sunblock. 

 

Remus went with the short answer. “Yeah, I’m alright.”

 

Lucas gazed intently into Remus’ eyes, not as if he didn’t believe him but more like he needed Remus to know he was here and he saw him. 

 

“It still hurts though, doesn’t it? Every time?”

 

Remus was less shocked by what Lucas was suggesting and more amazed that the kind boy hadn’t stumbled over the words. Lucas was biting his lip and his left hand in a fist as if he was physically stopping himself from rubbing the back of his neck, but he held a confidence, a fierce determination in the clenching of his jaw and his gaze was unwavering.

 

Anytime someone came close to Remus’ big secret of being a werewolf, he coolly denied and deflected any accusations and then fled for his life to wallow in fear and self-pity.

 

The marauders ended up pinning him down for over an hour as they forced him to listen to how it changed nothing and they loved him no matter what; the Girls confrontation was a wild story for another time. But whoever found out, Remus spent months secretly waiting for them to ditch him for being a monster. 

 

Maybe it was the gentle swishing sound of the ocean soothing Remus’ tight muscles or maybe it the deep-seeded content of being surrounded by friends or maybe it was because Remus was older and was used to the huge reveal. Or maybe it was just because this was Lucas. 

 

Because Lucas was soft and gentle. He was telling Remus he knows he’s werewolf without actually saying it. Without making it a dramatic ordeal. And his first words on the matter were about how it must hurt Remus.

 

Remus’ chest did that funny movement again.

 

Remus stared back into Lucas’ eyes. Swirly, dark honey eyes open and vulnerable and worried. He nodded his head.

 

Lucas brought his hand up. “Is it alright if…?”

 

Tongue swollen, Remus dumbly nodded his head again, curious to what he would do. Lucas slowly, _so slowly_ , placed his palm on Remus’ neck. Remus sucked in a harsh breath. 

 

His hand cupped the side of his neck gently and Remus could feel the slight brush of calloused fingers. Jamie had similar callouses from broomsticks, but Lucas’ were in slightly different places and the pad of his thumb was thicker. The rest of his hand was in between smooth and rough. Remus wanted to grab his hands and rub his fingers over it, demanding to know which of the two was it - smooth or rough? Soft or dry? Whatever it was, it felt nice.

 

Then Lucas moved his thumb and Remus suddenly realized that this was the side of his neck with the jagged, protruding scar from the full moon he spent alone early in the year; the one that scared the shit out of Jamie. The scar that Black basically sneered was ugly. 

 

Remus exhaled shakily but was pulled out of his thoughts abruptly as Lucas began to stroke the scar.

 

Lucas caught his eyes, ducking his head a bit and looking up through pale eyelashes. “Alright?”

 

Remus closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.

 

———

 

Creeping away from the group, Marlene pulled her camera from out of the bag and snapped a shot of Lucas and Remus. Watching the film develop and the contents move around (the ocean waves, Lucas’ hand, Remus’ smile), Marlene made sure no one noticed. She tucked it away in her notebook, saving it for some far time in the future. 

 

———

 

“Hey, hey, breathe with me Moony, breathe with me.”

 

“I - I don’t know, I just got panicky and, and my chest feels tight and — ”

 

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay Moons, I’m right here. Everything’s alright. You’re safe and I’m right here. That’s it, you’re doing great.”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

 

“ _Moony_. I’m not upset with you. There’s no reason to be sorry. Is this about Lucas? About what you said in your letter?”

 

“Yes.”

 

James enveloped Remus in a hug.

 

“It’s okay to be scared, but everything’s going to be alright, okay? You have me and Petey and the girls and Frank. And Lucas too. I know that’s what scares you, but he cares about you a lot. That doesn’t mean you have to be anything more than friends, so don’t feel pressured. Take your time.” James moved to hold Remus’ face in his hands. “Don’t think about it too much. I’m right here and I love you.”

 

———

 

“Who wants to go in the water?” James spread his arms wide with gusto.

 

The Girls and Remus blinked at him, silent, before resuming Dorcas and Marlene’s rapping game. 

 

“I’ll come,” Lucas offered and pulled his shirt over his head.

 

———

 

Remus and Lily sat on one of the sand dunes, in view of the ocean. James and Lucas were playing in the water, splashing each other and competing in who could ride a wave the farthest. 

 

James burst from out under the water and whipped his head to get the hair out of his eyes, droplets of water spraying everywhere. Lucas was in the middle of stretching his arms up, causing back muscles to ripple. Beads of salt water dripped down the two boys’ chests.

 

In sync, Lily and Remus lifted their bottles of cold soda and swallowed a mouthful.

 

———

 

“Stop ogling and come do tarot cards with us!”

 

“I’m not ogling!” Remus and Lily chorused and then looked at each other in shock and embarrassment.

 

———

 

“Card of lovers?” Dorcas slapped her knee. “What a load of bullshit!”

 

Marlene glared and seethed, “Don’t you disrespect the cards!! If the card says what you want to know is if you should take the risk for love or not, then that’s WHAT YOU WANT.”

 

Dorcas blinked and leaned to whisper to Al and Rem out of the corner of her mouth, “The really risk I’m taking is the agony of being her friend.”

 

The three of them sniggered. Marls took what the cards told to the heart, but the rest of them lost it a bit when Remus got the magician card, which sent Lils and Dorky into hysterics.

 

“Wow, that’s amazing! It’s so observant — who would have known?”

 

“Oh, shut up! Remus is a wizard, not a magician, and this isn’t even about magic _it’s an omen for success._ ”

 

“Someone get him a hat, I want to see him pull out a white rabbit!”

 

———

 

James floated on his back, the bumps of pre-waves bobbing him every few minutes. Lucas was still with him, but the water carried him a few feet away. James delighted in his easygoing nature and felt peaceful in his presence. He appreciated Lucas’ athleticism, giving him a good run for his money when horsing around. 

 

“Are you captain this year?”

 

“Oh,” Lucas mumbled, looking a bit sleepy from the warm sun. “Oh, yeah. Me and Monica, our seeker.”

 

James cursed and Lucas jolted in surprise. 

 

“Damn. You’re the best one on the team,” James complimented without a trace of bitterness.

 

Lucas couldn’t believe how nice all of them were to him. His cheeks were getting sore from all the grinning and he decided he needed to thank Frank more for introducing him to the group.

 

“Before you get too flattered, I want to remind you that I’m the best chaser in the school.”

 

Lucas laughed and joked right back, “I’ll remember that when Ravenclaw wins the Quidditch Cup.”

 

“HA! The only thing you’ll be winning is the loser award.”

 

Lucas groaned long and loud. “That was so lame.”

 

———

 

“Remus?” 

 

Marlene walked over to him and plopped down onto the picnic blanket. Lily, Alice, and Dorcas had joined the boys in the water while Remus elected to stay back and read Huckleberry Finn. 

 

“I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation with Potter.”

 

Remus’ stomach flipped.

 

“And I have something to say if you’re willing to listen,” she paused to gauge his reaction. He set the book down as the anxiety from early crawled back down his throat and his mind circled around if he was making a mistake, but he told her he would listen. He was curious, Marlene was uncharacteristically subdued, more thoughtful of what she was saying.

 

“You’ve had a shitty year.” Ah, now there was the Marlene he knew and loved. “What? I’m not going to beat around the bush, it’s been shitty. A shitty few years, from what you’ve said. Personally, I wouldn’t mind avenging your honor some more, I can still shove a rainbow flag up — ”

 

“Marls,” Remus warned, but the stern effect was lost on his smile.

 

“Sorry, back to the point. Shitty year. But,” Marlene’s voice turned serious, back to thoughtful. “But. It doesn’t have to be shitty anymore and it seems like it already isn’t. You’re smiling more freely, talking without having to be prompted, less jumpy with being touched.

 

And… I see you doubting and analyzing. I don’t want you to be the one to sabotage your own happiness. I know this is scary, but Remus,” her voice shifted once again, now firm and demanding to be listened to. “This is your second chance. Allow yourself to have it. Take what you want from it, because this is your time to build the life you deserve.”

 

Remus choked out, “You get that out of one of your tarot cards?”

 

“Oh, piss off and take my wise advice you piece of shit.”

 

———

 

“Remmy! Come in the water, it’s great!” Alice panted from running back up the beach to Remus. 

 

Remus’ sweater clung to his body, sticky and uncomfortable. He hesitated, overwhelmed with the want to join everyone, but he couldn’t. His scars, everyone would see. He was fine with James, but the Girls hadn’t seen them for more than a second and Lucas hadn’t seen at all. His torso was the worst victim of the wolf. Angry, thick scars surrounded by smaller, white ones that could be seen in certain lighting. The new ones from this moon were still red.

 

“The sun’s setting and no one will be able to see them well,” Alice reassured. “We’re all in agony over Remus-deprivation. Please come?”

 

Remus chewed on the inside of his lip, his stomach queasy. Marls face flashed in his mind and the words echoed in his head. Finding the inner Gryffindor courage he was supposed to have, he slipped off the sweater and shirt in one go before he could talk himself back out of it.

 

Alice beamed, jumping up and down. She held her hand out and sprinted them across the beach as soon as he slid his fingers in hers. The others whooped in the water, calling out his name in delight. 

 

“FUCK!” Remus cursed as his body made contact with the frigid sea.

 

“Don’t worry, you get used to it!” Lucas comforted, wading over to him. A piece of seaweed was wrapped around his head in a pathetic excuse of a crown. Alice dropped Remus’ hand and returned to the Girls.

 

Lucas didn’t even look at his chest, his eyes never straying from Remus’ face. His face lit up in a toothy grin and Remus had a feeling that the reason he glanced down at his lips wasn’t because of the scar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I should get the next chapter out by next week. For anyone wondering where Sirius is, his summer/more of his upbringing backstory will be in the next one
> 
> also: sand crabs are disgusting, I made my girlfriend look them up after she read this and she started crying


	19. Summer: August

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotion-heavy chapter  
> Regulates has some things to say, Sirius has fever dreams, Remus is conflicted, and James Needs a Hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for violence/child abuse** I describe the situation in the end notes
> 
> In case it's unclear, all the italicized bits are Sirius' dreams and they are 100% accurate memories.

 

It was years of tension that finally snapped, like the sickly branch of a tree. Slowly bending down for ages, breaking off slowly until in one single moment if falls off with a sudden crack and leaves the tree forever. The only reminder that it was once there was the jagged, splintered wood from where it had broken off.

 

It was the end of a family dinner and the last of the Black relatives had left. A cloud of angst surrounded Sirius as he walked up the stairs, wanting to stomp but knowing he’d get in trouble for it. He tugged at the high collar of his dress robes and was about to open his bedroom door when he spotted Regulus leaning against the opposite wall, where his own bedroom was.

 

“Had fun with Malfoy tonight, didn’t we?” Sirius sneered.

 

Sirius knew he should’ve just ignored him and gone into his room instead, but he didn’t want to be in suffocating silence like he’d been in all summer. Besides, his brother was just taunting him by the ease in which his back rested on the wall, completely at peace in The Noble House of Black.

 

“Yes, actually,” Regulus responded, face completely impassive. 

 

While the two of them looked strikingly similar, people could always tell them apart by their voices. Regulus was stiff and proper from the years of Black training. Each word was enunciated perfectly in a slow drawl.

 

“Bloody fantastic,” Sirius voice dripped with fake sweetness, “I wish I could be more like you.”

 

Sirius opened and slammed his door behind him. 

 

He sat on his bed, hands clenched in fists, and took several harsh breaths. Squeezing his eyes shut, he chanted in his head _one more month, you can do this, you’ve been doing this for sixteen years, just one more month_. He chucked his formal attire off when he cooled off a bit and switched into a red jumper with a lion embezzled on it that Moony bought him for his birthday in second year. He was about to pull out the last letter James had wrote to him, a week and a half ago, when Regulus spoke from outside his door.

 

“I used to wish that once, you know.”

 

Sirius scowled and felt the hard work he’d been doing to stay calm come to halt. Had his brother been standing outside his door this whole time? 

 

Not budging from his desk, Sirius demanded, “You wished what?” 

 

“I wished I could be more like you,” Regulus voiced softly, pensive.

 

Sirius didn’t know how to respond to that. The two of them used to be close, as close as one could get in this household, until Regulus started Hogwarts. For years now, only frigid silence existed between them. 

 

Sirius took slow steps to the door with eyes narrowed. There had to be some catch to why Reg was talking to him.

 

“Bet mother and father would love to hear that. Their perfect little _Slytherin_ wishing to be the family outcast.” Sirius leaned against the door with no intent of opening it.

 

“Are you ever going to get over that?”

 

“What?”

 

“Me being sorted into Slytherin. It’s been years and yet you still stew in resentment.”

 

Sirius bristled at the way Regulus spoke as if he was mature beyond his years, as if he was patiently waiting for a child to see reason.

 

“As if I care anymore,” he mocked, words slicing out like daggers, “Slytherin’s are all lying, disgusting, evil bastards who shouldn’t even be allowed at school.”

 

Regulus’ laughter is barely heard, quite and muffled through the door. But it wasn’t the humorless kind Sirius had in fights, but the regular kind of laughter. Amused.

 

“Shouldn’t be allowed in school? You’re the one who sounds like a ‘Slytherin’. You’re full of prejudice and hate. Swap the word Slytherin with Mudblood in your statement and mother would be _so proud_ of you.”

 

Sirius growled and kicked the wall where he knew Regulus was sitting on the opposite side. “I am nothing like this family,” he snarled and the familiar dangerously addicting pumping of his heart set in.

 

The second Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor and his parents openly despised his existence, Sirius had done everything in his power to be everything his family wasn’t. Flaunting red and gold colors, getting into trouble at school, openly loathing the Black family and friends. Nobody dared to say he was exactly like a Black in six years. His relatives ignored him with noses high in the air or curled their lips in disgust as they stared at him with cold eyes. He was locked in his room more days than not whenever he was home and it was rare that his parents spoke to him in any tone that wasn’t scathing or yelling. 

 

“Let’s see,” Regulus tutted, “one: you hate a group of people based on a meaningless word that defines them, which I already pointed out. If you weren’t so hotheaded you could’ve been friends with Andromeda before she was disowned. She was the nicest and kindest of our family and married a Muggle-born while also being Slytherin.

 

“Two: you’re motivated by power. I know you, brother, despite what you may think. I see you manipulate your world to gain the endless respect you crave. You act funny, charming, and alluring so the whole school will love you, envy you. You show off your skills by hexing and pranking others, who more often than not are innocent, so that everyone will see you as cool, while also fearing you, because if people fear you than they are inferior and you yearn for superiority.

 

“Three: you are not below cutting off your family without so much as a second thought and with a cold heart. The rest of the family, I understand, but what about me? We were close, we loved each other. I prevented you from getting in trouble so many times when I was younger and even up until my second year. I’d distract them anytime you started to be defiant and when you were punished, I snuck into your room with sweets. 

 

“But the second the sorting hat declared me Slytherin? I was nothing to you. _You_ were the one to end our friendship. _You_ were the one to look at me in disgust for the house I was sorted in. _You_ were the one to make the school know that blood was the only thing you shared with me.” 

 

Regulus’ even breaths contrasted Sirius’ heavy pants. Regulus sat on the ground in the hallway, cool-headed and in control. Sirius stood, fingernails drawing blood from his palms, a heartbeat away from wrenching the door open. His racing blood tempted the idea of using magic outside of school. In rage, consequences like expulsion weren’t forgotten but carelessly tossed aside.

 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sirius ground out. Each sentence sunk into his skin with sharp claws dipped in poison, harder to shake off than the insults and backhanded comments his other family member made all evening. He wasn’t used to Regulus speaking to him and he was overwhelmingly unprepared for this.

 

Not missing a beat, Regulus plowed forward, “Four: you’re incapable of love.”

 

Sirius laughed darkly. “And what do you know of love? All you lot do is tolerate each other at best.”

 

“Yes,” Regulus conceded. “Most of the Blacks tolerate each other, but if you talked to me you’d know _I_ have friends, too, and we’re supportive and have each other’s backs. You may think you love James and I’ve seen him desperately hold you afloat, but do you return the favor? When was the last time you helped him? Did you know that Lily Evans has been warming up to him?”

 

The air was sucked right out of Sirius’ lungs. His mind raced backward, but he couldn’t remember the last time Prongs waxed poetic about Lily, which he’d been doing daily for years. When was the last time he’d asked Prongs how he was? How could he not know about Evans when his brother, the year below and in the rival house, knew?

 

“That was not the point I meant to make, though,” Regulus pulled Sirius out of his thoughts and back into the bloody monologue. “I was talking about romantic love. You may not be like Mother and Father, who do just barely tolerate each other, but you are exactly the same in not treating a loved one like they deserve. You are debatably worse than them because you repeatedly hurt who you love.”

 

Sirius’ heart pounded. He tried to sound casual, amused, but he ended up choking out, “I don’t love anyone.”

 

“I’m not an idiot, brother,” Regulus asserted. “You’ve clearly loved, well your disgraceful version of loving, that boy since second year. Remus Lupin? Oh, yes, I’ve seen the way you look at him. More importantly, I’ve seen the way you treated him.

 

“I’m actually quite glad you’ve tossed me away as garbage because at least I endured that heartbreak only once. Remus, on the other, has had his heartbroken by you more times than there’s a number for. Maybe heartbreak is too nice of a word? Does he even have a heart left after what you’ve done?

 

“I am not who you think I am. I do not think less of you for being in Gryffindor nor do I hate muggle-borns. I do not need others to see me as powerful to be happy, I’m quite content to be in the background. I appreciate my friends and while I am not in love with someone, I know I would never take my anger and self-hatred out on a significant other. 

 

You may hate us purebloods, but you are doing a fine job of carrying on the Black’s way of life.”

 

———

 

A large _crack_ ripped through the house, coming from the kitchen. Euphemia whipped out her wand and pushed James behind her. Taking a deep breath, hoping Fleamont would return home soon, she kicked the swivel door open, _stupefy_ on the tip of her tongue.

 

———

 

“Mum!” James gasped, curling his fists into her dress, hanging onto her like a lost child.

 

———

 

Euphemia’s tone was gentle but commanding, “James, send an owl to your father right now. Bring blankets down and set up the living room couch as a bed. I need you to stay in your room until your father comes, okay?”

 

James hesitated, clearly not wanting to leave the kitchen. His eyes were frozen on Sirius’ unconscious body, covered in strange hues, bleeding, and limbs sticking out at odd angles.

 

“James, I have this under control,” his mother urged, “you’ll just get in the way. Owl him right now.”

 

———

 

He was reading a poetry book he checked out of the public library in town, tucked snuggly under three quilts. Remus had been back at home for five days now after spending those two weeks at James’. Lucas had told him his mother was unloading poetry book after poetry book on him and Remus was curious. It wasn’t like he was reading poetry to impress Lucas by casually quoting some poem. Nope. Not at all.

 

Remus groaned and dropped the book to cover his face. Remus could read all the books in the world, no matter how boring, but poetry apparently was something his brain adamantly rejected. He didn’t even pretend to understand half of the poems. The cool, smooth pages rubbed against his face and he nuzzled into a bit, sighing. 

 

Something shattered in the kitchen and Remus heard his mother shriek soon after. He bolted up, the book falling to the floor, and instinctively grabbed his wand when James burst into his room. He lowered his hand.

 

“Jamie?”

 

Remus’ head grew fuzzy in panic at the sight of James’ pale face and wild eyes.

 

“Sirius,” James stuttered out, “Sirius is hurt, he’s-he’s fine. Not fine but he’s going to be okay. He hasn’t been lucid enough to explain what happened but he’s fucked up pretty bad.”

 

“What?” Remus stood rigid in shock, barely processing the words.

 

“I thought you’d want to know. I’m going to Peter next. I’ll keep you updated.”

 

Remus walked forward and pulled James in for a hug. James remained stiff, but he made a small whimper and clutched onto Remus.

 

“I, I have to go,” James croaked. “He needs me.”

 

“Okay,” Remus let go of him, “okay.”

 

James hurried out of the room and Remus listened for the soft whoosh of the fireplace seconds later. 

 

Remus dropped to the ground and pulled his knees up, wrapping his arms around them.

 

———

 

Fleamont and Euphemia argued quietly over what to do. The obvious answer was to bring Sirius to St. Mongo’s, but it was safer to keep Sirius here, where his family couldn’t stir trouble.

 

As Sirius’ fever crawled higher and higher in temperature, they sent tense glances at each other, knowing that if it didn’t break soon, they’d have to take him to the hospital.

 

Euphemia felt hopeless. There wasn’t much else she could do for Sirius at this point, he was dealing with inflicted Dark Magic. Euphemia held his hand the whole time, praying it would pass soon as she watched him toss and turn through fever dreams.

 

———

 

_Sirius boards the train, ducking as he passes the compartment his cousin Narcissa and her boyfriend Lucius are in, along with other Black-associated Slytherins. His stomach clenches as he stumbles down the aisle, not knowing where to go, where he’ll be welcome by anyone other than snakes._

 

_“Excuse me?”_

 

_Sirius whips toward the owner of the barely audible voice. A small boy with brilliant green eyes gazes at him curiously from the doorway of an empty compartment._

 

_Seeing that Sirius isn’t going to respond any time soon, the boy speaks again._

 

_“Would you like to sit with me?”_

 

_Sirius can’t believe the boy is offering this to him. Does he not know that Sirius is a Black or does he not care?_

 

_Sirius nods a little too eagerly and the boy gives him a soft smile, stepping aside to let him in. Soon, two other boys join them, one squat and round and the other lanky with a poof of crazy black hair._

 

_Sirius curiously takes in that the boy with the green eyes doesn’t reach out to them as he did to Sirius. He mumbles a hello and presses himself against the wall next to the window before pulling out a book and hiding his face behind it._

 

_When the boy named Peter started to worrying over where he’d be sorted into, the boy with green eyes picked up on Sirius’ mild panic and slyly passed him a piece of chocolate._

 

_———_

 

“James?” Sirius croaked out, shivering and soaked in sweat. A hand grasped his, squeezing gently.

 

“It’s me, honey. Euphemia,” a gentle voice said. “James will be here soon and so will Peter. I just need you to drink this a bit, sweetheart. It will help with the pain.”

 

Sirius blearily opened his eyes as a hand guided his head up and he parted his lips to drink thick liquid.

 

He threw it up all over himself a few minutes later and his body went back into convulsions. Thankfully, he slipped into unconscious almost instantaneously.

 

_———_

 

_Remus and Sirius giggle, hands covering their mouths, around the corner of the Great Hall._

 

_“Did you see their faces?!” Sirius bounces on his feet. “This is amazing!”_

 

_Sirius beams at Remus, awestruck that he came up with the prank. A group of Slytherin boys led by Lucius had ganged up on Sirius the other day in the hall and in retaliation Remus worked and worked on a spell that would give them a tattoo of a sparkling unicorn on their foreheads for the day._

 

_Remus’ eyes crinkle at the corners as he smiles back and Sirius preens. Remus smiles like that rarely and Sirius is determined to be the one who gets the most of these special smiles._

 

_———_

 

 

James and Peter held hands, huddled in the kitchen. The blood from earlier had been cleaned up and Fleamont herded them in there so they could be near Sirius while not being able to see him. 

 

Fleamont coaxed them into drinking Calming Draughts as they listened to Sirius moan.

 

_———_

 

 

_“Where’s Moony?” James asked. “What if he misses the train?”_

 

_Sirius faked confidence. “He won’t.”_

 

_It’s third year and Sirius is buzzing with excitement to be returning to Hogwarts after a dreadful summer. He can’t wait for Moony to see the two inches his hair grew over the summer, remembering how his eyes crinkled when Sirius complained about needing a haircut. Remus had hummed and tilted his head, declaring he actually liked it how it was._

 

_Sirius runs his fingers through his hair to straighten it so it looks extra long._

 

_“Hi,” an oddly familiar voice speaks up._

 

_Sirius’ mouth falls slightly open as his eyes rake over Remus. He’s grown at least a foot, undoubtedly the tallest of them now, and his cheeks are flushed from running._

 

_James dissolves in laughter. “Your voice!”_

 

_Remus rolls his eyes. “Brilliant observation, Jamie. It’s a wonder why Evans hasn’t fallen in love with you yet.”_

 

_Sirius clamps his mouth shut and his mind replays the sound of Remus’ new voice, deeper and smoother._

 

_This is something he can definitely get used to._

 

_———_

 

Remus sprawled on his back, staring up at the ceiling numbly. He didn’t know how long he’d been doing that, only registering that it was now night when his mother knocked on his door to tell him Lucas was on the phone.

 

Hope opened the door, took one look at Remus, and left to tell Lucas that Remus wasn’t feeling well. She boiled water for tea and pulled her son into her arms, cooing softly as he shook.

 

_———_

 

_The marauders are gathering more attention, becoming popular, but Sirius hasn’t noticed yet because he’s completely infatuated with the boy with green eyes._

 

_He starts using any excuse to touch Moony, always pretending to be in a hurry so he can grab Moony’s hand to tug him along as they run._

 

_Sirius doesn’t understand why he likes Moony in a different way than he likes James and Peter._

 

_One day Moony holds onto his hand a little longer than usual, lacing their fingers, and Sirius feels like he can breathe for the first time in his life._

 

_Moony is the air that finally made his lungs work._

 

_———_

 

Fleamont brought over a bucket of ice water and new rags. Euphemia soaked one and rested it on Sirius’ forehead.

 

“His fever has stopped going up,” she murmured distractedly as she soaked another rag and used it to wipe down exposed skin.

 

Fleamont sat on the edge of the coffee table, watching her for a few minutes. His heart ached for Sirius, he looked as small and lost as they day James brought him home for the first time.

 

“Can we give him any potions?” He pressed. “At least one for dreamless sleep?”

 

Euphemia gestured to the vomit bin beside the couch. “He’s not keeping anything down. The magic is fighting hard to keep him from recovering,” she trails off and presses her palm to Sirius’ cheek. “He seems to be having good dreams, at least.”

 

As if one cue, Sirius smiled in his sleep.

 

“Maybe his mind’s trying to protect him,” Fleamont mused.

 

_———_

 

_The marauders have never kissed anyone and they don’t care or think about it until they overhear Frank say Alice tastes like blueberries. They’ve never realized that a person tastes like something._

 

_“Yuck,” Peter says, scrunching his nose, “what if they eat garlic before you kiss?”_

 

_James sighs, “I bet Lily tastes like something sweet like sugar or treacle tart.”_

 

_Remus flips a page in on of his Muggle books. “And you probably taste like rottencheese and meat, mate.”_

 

_James throws a book at Remus’ head, which he easily ducks. Sirius’ heart races as he thinks about what James said. He’s never thought about it before but Moony must taste sweet like chocolate. He’s always eating those peppermint candies too and Sirius looks over to see Remus’ lips tilting up and down as his tongue must be working around one of the candies right then._

 

_Sirius starts to sweat and he looks away before anyone notices._

 

_———_

 

“Why’s he still sleeping?” James asked, twisting his hands in his lap.

 

Euphemia let James and Peter into the living room a few minutes ago now that Sirius’ fever had broken.

 

“He needs his sleep, dear,” Euphemia reassured and leaned over to hold her son’s hand. He gripped it tightly, but she didn’t comment. “It will help hime recover faster and restore his energy.”

 

Peter’s voice is small as a mouse, “But, he’ll be okay?”

 

Euphemia nods. “He’ll be needing you two, though, extra love and care. Can you boys manage that?”

 

James’ nods with fiery eyes, seemingly offended that she’d questioned him. Peter pales, but nods slowly.

 

_———_

 

_Sirius can’t stop looking at Moony’s lips. He has several urges throughout the day to press his lips against Moony’s and it’s driving him crazy. Boys don’t feel like this for other boys, right? Especially not your best mate._

 

_Sirius feels embarrassed, but he keeps stealing Moony’s peppermints and savors the taste, imagining._

 

———

 

Lyall sat on the edge of his son’s bed and brushed away the curls from his Remus’ face.

 

“How are you doing?”

 

Remus did a poor attempt of shrugging his shoulders. He was semi-curled into a ball facing his dad. 

 

“I can go over and talk with Fleamont.”

 

Lyall was actually saying _you don’t have to go._

 

Remus squeezed his eyes shut.

 

_———_

 

_“Oof,” Remus grunts somewhere near Sirius’ right. “Pads? I tripped and dropped my wand. Can you do lumos?”_

 

_“I can’t. Remember Minnie’s keeping it until I show up for detention?”_

 

_Moony curses and Sirius grins. He loves how Moony lets loose when they’re alone, all his hard edges becoming soft. He hears rustling, probably from Moony looking for his wand on the ground. It’s pitch black in the secret tunnel to Honeydukes._

 

_“Where are you? Let me help.”_

 

_“M’ here,” Moony mumbles, now sounding more to his left._

 

_Sirius gets on his knees and crawls over, lifting his hand up occasionally to feel in front of him. After a minute his hand comes into contact with something soft. Moony laughs quietly._

 

_“Yes, thank you, you’ve found my face.”_

 

_Sirius’ fingers tingle. It would be so easy to…_

 

_Maybe he should just do it._

 

_It’s kind of best case scenario. If Moony is disgusted, Sirius can run and he won’t be able to find him in the dark. He can always pretend that it was an accident as if he didn’t realize how close Moony’s face was._

 

_Sirius leans forward and internally whoops that he guessedexactly where Moony’s lips are. It’s a simple brush and he can’t taste anything, but he smells the peppermint. Moony makes a mixture of a gasp and a yelp and Sirius cringes into himself._

 

_But then Moony leans forward again._

 

_Remus meant to cup the side of Sirius’ face but in the dark, he ends up poking Sirius in the eye and it throws them into hysterics, a little crazy laughter of nerves and excitement._

 

_Remus finds his wand and they don’t say anything more, but they walk the rest of the way holding hands, a little too tight, like they want to make sure that this is real._

 

_———_

 

Remus woke up gasping from a nightmare.

 

“MUM!” He yelled before he could think.

 

Hope sprang out of bed and ran to her son’s room, Lyall close to her heels. She scooped Remus into her arms while Lyall waited in the doorway. Hope and Lyall shared a hopeless look; Remus was a shuddering, sobbing mess. 

 

“H-he sa-said it wa-as all my f-f-fault,” Remus choked out and ending up crying harder.

 

“Oh, baby,” Hope shushed, tightening her arms around him.

 

“A-and tha-that I should die,” Remus sucked in a ragged breath, “he blamed m-me and said I’m a m-m-m-onster and then Jamie slapped me and said he s-said he-he cho-chose him o-over me and I’m a k-kill-killer-er —”

 

Remus dissolved into choking hyperventilation. Lyall walked over and pulled Remus out of Hope’s lap, sliding one hand under his legs and the other under his back. Lyall’s mind flashed to all the nights he spent rocking Remus as a baby. 

 

His fingers curled protectively around his son as he lifted him up.

 

They walk back to their room and he gently settled Remus in the middle of the bed. Lyall and Hope slipped in on opposite sides, cocooning Remus. Eventually, his crying turned into whimpers turned into hitched breathing turned into slow, evened out sleeping breaths.

 

Hope and Lyall clasped they hands over Remus’ body and sat like that for the rest of the night, pretending that if they stayed awake they could ward off the nightmares. 

 

_———_

 

_Their second kiss happens when Sirius pulls Moony into a cupboard._

 

_“I like you,” he blurts._

 

_Moony’s eyes look lighter and full of stars. His mouth is parted in a pleasant surprise and Sirius instantly wants to always make Moony look like that._

 

_“Same, yes,” Moony laughs a little and his eyes crinkle, “Yeah.”_

 

_This time Moony doesn’t poke Sirius’ eye and his head just about explodes over the combination of Remus cradling his cheek while gently kissing him._

 

_Sirius feels safe for the first time in his life._

 

_———_

 

The first time Sirius woke up while James was in the room, Sirius coughed as if he was hacking up a lung. James helped him drink water with a shaky hand and hovered over him while he cleared his throat and took deep breaths.

 

“Don’t make me go back there,” he rasped out.

 

James pushed back his anger at Sirius’ family and looked Sirius dead in the eyes vowing Sirius would never see them again and that this was his home now.

 

Sirius looked like he wanted to say more, but his eyes drooped and he couldn’t move his face muscles.

 

“Let’s get you to my room, yeah?” James asked even though he knew Sirius couldn’t respond. 

 

He held onto Sirius’ hand as his mother levitated him to up the stairs. 

 

———

 

Most of the time Sirius woke up for a few seconds to two minutes, garbling incoherent sentences. Most of the time it was random words, but when he was sleeping, he’d only utter out one word. _Remmy._

 

James’ heart twisted and he felt a little nauseous and uncomfortable every time it happened. He hoped Sirius wouldn’t remember his dreams when he woke up and wouldn’t demand to see Remus.

 

_———_

 

_It’s fourth year and they’ve started sneaking into the common room alone at night._

 

_Sirius rests his head in Moony’s lap, making content sighs as Moony drags his fingers through the mane of black hair._

 

_“What’s that?”_

 

_“What?” Sirius mumbles._

 

_“The song you’re humming.” Moony bends down to press a kiss to his forehead._

 

_Sirius didn’t even realize he was humming. He sits up so fast that Moony startles into a jump. He grins at the idea he’s come up with and holds his arms out to the boy with green eyes._

 

_“C’mere.”_

 

_Moony looks skeptical._

 

_“Remmy,” Sirius whines, but smirks when Moony’s lips quirk up._

 

_Sirius pulls him into his arms, placing a hand on Moony’s small waist and guiding Moony to put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. Once Moony realizes what’s going on he leans into the touch, resting his chin on Sirius’ shoulder._

 

_“You know it’s not dancing if we don’t have music,” Moony’s amused breath rolls against Sirius’ ear as they start to sway in a slow circle._

 

_He dramatically huffs, “Patience my dear Remmy, I was just getting to that.”_

 

_He clears his throat a few times and then begins singing the song he was humming._

 

_“ Oh, Darling, please believe me_

 

_I'll never do you no harm_

 

_Believe me when I tell you_

 

_I'll never do you no harm ”_

 

_Sirius spent a few weeks with James in the summer and Fleamont took them to a record shop so Sirius could buy a few. For the rest of his stay there, he listened to Abbey Road on repeat, much to James’ annoyance._

 

_He sings their song Oh! Darling to Moony, but softer and slower, tweaking the tune into something more intimate that makes it hard to recognize the song as one of The Beatles._

 

_He butchers out the stanza that goes “When you told me / You didn't need me anymore / Well you know I nearly broke down and cried”. He prefers the stanza that says_ if _and not_ when.

 

_Moony moves his arms to wrap around Sirius’ neck, curling his fingers in Sirius’ long hair. Sirius takes the hand that Moony let go of to slip under his pale blue jumper and onto the bare skin of the curve of his waist._

 

_They press their foreheads together and Sirius stops singing, barely swaying them._

 

_“I love when you call me Remmy,” Moony whispers._

 

_Sirius leans forward and mumbles into Moony’s lips with a sigh, “My darling Remmy.”_

 

_———_

 

Sirius did remember and he did demand. 

 

When James told him he wasn’t here, he went eerily silent and lied back down.

 

———

 

Remus decided to answer the phone, craving a source of comfort.

 

“Hi Mrs.Lupin, it’s Lucas. I’m sorry to bother you again but I wanted to check-in to make sure Remus isn’t getting worse.”

 

Remus waited a beat too long before he whispered, “It’s me.”

 

“Rem,” Lucas’ voice leaked with worry, “are you alright?”

 

Remus rubbed a hand harshly over his face, images of his nightmare from last night surfacing in his head. “Yeah, I’m alright,” he wavered, forcing out the words like chunks of metal.

 

“Do you want me to read?”

 

He shook his head and then remembered Lucas couldn’t see. “No.”

 

“Would you like to talk about it?”

 

“I,” Remus started and then choked on his breath, feeling his eyes water again.

 

Lucas softly murmured words but Remus couldn’t take it in, letting the emotions wrack through his body.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Remus repeated over and over.

 

“Shh, it’s alright,” Lucas assured. “What are you apologizing for?”

 

“Crying, I’m sorry. I h-hate when I c-cry. I know it makes me w-weak and I shouldn’t be putting this on y-you. I haven’t cried like this in mon-months. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

 

Lucas’ voice stayed soft, but became very firm, “You have nothing to apologize for, Rem. You’re allowed to cry and it doesn’t make you weak. Besides, being weak is okay. You’re not putting anything on me and I want to be here for you as much as you let me.”

 

Remus tried to cling onto to the words, but it wasn’t easy after all he’d been through. The sentiments quickly escaped his fingers.

 

As if reading his mind, Lucas piped up, “I know that’s hard to believe right now, but I’ll keep saying it until you believe it.”

 

Remus was quiet, but Lucas waited patiently.

 

“It’s about Sirius,” Remus forced out, “he’s hurt.”

 

———

 

Explaining everything to Lucas took energy out of Remus but every _mmhmm_ and _go on_ and the gentle _oh, Rem_ calmed him down and made him feel like he was wrapped in a warm blanket.

 

“I’m horrible and selfish for not going,” Remus stated, but then just as quickly argued, “but I don’t know if I can go, I’d fall apart. He’s hurt me so much and I feel like I shouldn’t go. This will just pull me back in a dark place.”

 

Lucas hummed and Remus powered on, “James sent me a letter saying he’s woke up a few times and doing better. So, I’m not _needed_ there but I feel like everyone’s disappointed in me.”

 

———

 

_“What are you doing?” Sirius leans against a tree and watches as Remus straightens up, the clothing around his knees stained with dirt. In one hand he clutches a small bouquet of wild lilac flowers._

 

_Thirty minutes ago Sirius wondered where Remus had gone — he left right after dinner and never came back to the dormitory. Sirius was only able to find him by checking the map, a tiny dot a little ways into the Forbidden Forest._

 

_“I was picking you some flowers,” Remus beams shyly and holds them out to Sirius. “You love rolling around in them as Padfoot so I wanted to pick some before you demolish them tomorrow.”_

 

_“Thanks, Remmy,” Sirius winks and plops onto the dirt, setting the bouquet down beside him._

 

_He opens up his arms and Remus sighs before crawling into his lap. He pulls the thin boy tight against him, humming in content._

 

_Sirius feels Remus shake as he whispers, “I don’t want to be a werewolf.”_

 

_Sirius presses a few kisses to Remus’ neck. “I’ll be right there with you like always. It’s going to be alright and I’ll be there to make sure you don’t bang yourself up too much.”_

 

_He presses a kiss to his ear and promises, “You’ll never go through a full moon alone. I’ll always be with you.”_

 

———

 

“It’s all my fault. I’m the one with the problem, I blow things way out of proportion. It’s probably all in my head and I should’ve apologized to him. I should’ve just stayed quiet. It’s my fault for being a baby.”

 

Finally, Lucas interjected, “Rem, don’t say that.”

 

Remus twisted his finger in the cord, he felt like vomiting for saying that it was his fault but it was probably true. Remus was always being the baby, Sirius had to have been right.

 

“You can’t know if I’m wrong or not,” Remus mumbled. It was true, Lucas became friends with him after the breakup.

 

“I know enough,” Lucas hesitated. “I, er, sort of noticed you — not in a creepy way I swear! — I just, gah I don’t know how to say it without it sounding weird. 

 

“I don’t know, being gay, well, actually I’m bi, but that’s a story for another time, but — anyway it’s just easier to notice other gay relationships. Especially the hiding of it because I did that too with my ex. So, I, er,” Lucas surged forward despite his flustering, “I just sort of kept an eye on you? Not on purpose, but I was curious about you two. 

 

“I never told anyone, though I think Frank noticed me glancing at you. And I saw you looked full of life sometimes, but then slowly you started looking so…sad,” Lucas paused, taking in a breath. “So drawn into yourself and I saw you flinch when Black flirted with girls and the dark circles under your eyes when he ignored you… I don’t think you’re being a baby. I think you were right to pull away and not because that meant I got to know you, but because you deserve to be happy. Even from faraway, it was clear he treated you,” Lucas paused again, trying to find a way to word it in a kind way, “…not in the way you one should treat someone you love.”

 

Remus scraped his teeth against his inner cheek, taking in all the information. There were several things for him to think about later. He was embarrassed to be having this conversation with Lucas, he wanted to keep him and Black as far away from each other as possible. But Lucas was being so kind and patient about it and Remus was surprised that he wasn’t repulsed or jealous or angry at him for talking about his past relationship. 

 

“I shouldn’t go there, right?” Remus weakly inquired.

 

“I can’t answer that for you,” Lucas apologized. “Could I say one more thing?”

 

Remus hummed in affirmation, wiping his eyes.

 

“I feel so embarrassed for this but I blame it on my mum for making me read so much poetry. This is probably going to sound stupid and terrible, I really am not a poet and it’s probably stupid — ”

 

Remus smiled a bit. “Go on then. I won’t laugh.”

 

———

 

_Remmy stepped through the portrait hole, Lily trailing in behind him. An angry gnawing sensation bloomed in Sirius’ stomach. Those two had been spending a lot of time together lately._

 

_He ignored the two of them until Lily left and then he when Remmy didn’t immediately go to him, he called for him and opened his arms. Everyone else was in bed so he didn’t need to worry about people seeing._

 

_Remus stared at him for a long time before finally coming over, keeping his head ducked the whole time. When Sirius tipped his jaw up, he saw Remus’ eyes were red and puffy, his cheeks splotchy._

 

_“Why were you crying?”_

 

_Remus shook his head and buried his face into Sirius’ robes._

 

_“Who made you cry?” He growled, arms circling his Remmy._

 

_He’d never seen Remmy cry before, he doesn’t think any of the marauders have. Sirius wonders what could’ve happened in between the time he lost saw Remmy and flirted with that Hufflepuff._

 

_Nothing Sirius says makes Remus talk, he just clings onto him in deadly silence. Sirius starts singing to him, “Believe me when I tell you, ooh, I’ll never do you no harm.”_

 

_Remus starts whimpering and Sirius stops singing, completely baffled to why he was getting upset again._

 

 

———

 

“Alright.” Lucas took a breath. “I think. . . you are the sky. 

 

“Something so simple, but so beautiful at the same time —” Remus blushed and wanted to protest — “You look over everyone, though most, if not all, don’t deserve it. And sometimes people take you for granted because you’re the sky, so of course, you look over everyone because that’s your job, right? they think.

 

“And Black… is the clouds, in a way. Maybe he can be fluffy and white and twisted in interesting shapes that make you laugh. And some people think that makes clouds more interesting than the sky. But clouds aren’t always fun and pretty to look at, they can wreck havoc. And right now, maybe for years even, he’s been nothing but storms — dark grey, frightening, soaking everyone with rain, forcing people indoors, and yelling loud claps of thunder.

 

“But most importantly,” Lucas paused, his voice turning low, gentle, sad, a caress, “his storms hide every bit of you until people forget that behind the dark clouds there is the beautiful sky.”

 

———

 

Every time James asked Sirius what happened, who did this to him, what _did_ they do to him, Sirius turned his head to the other side. One time Sirius offered up his brother’s name, but James could tell that wasn’t the full story. Regulus couldn’t have performed magic this Dark and powerful.

 

———

 

“Can the sky go somewhere else, where the clouds aren’t there and where it’s sunny?”

 

Lucas’ voice is kindness and safety. “The sky can do anything it wants, Rem.” 

 

———

 

Remus penned Lily, asking her to come in five days, the morning after the full moon, but didn't explain why, just that he needed her. He would tell her after, because if he told her now she wouldn’t want him to be doing what he is.

 

Remus was still unsure, but he was going to go to the Potters. He’d leave this evening and come back tomorrow late afternoon. 

 

“I can come with you,” Hope offered again, smoothing down his jumper.

 

Remus shook his head. His mother hated the floo network, but he knew she would do it for him. He wanted to go alone. _The sky can be near the clouds but not behind them,_ he told himself, _near but not behind, not close._

 

———

 

Remus had barely planted his feet in the Potters’ fireplace, still coughing out soot, when James pulled him out and into his arms.

 

“I’m so glad you’re here but you don’t have to be, I don’t know if this is good for you, you don’t have to do this because you feel obligated or because you’re here to take care of me,” James blubbered a mile a minute, “I don’t want you to push aside your needs.”

 

Remus tightened his hold, “Jamie. Jamie. Jamie, listen. I’m here because I chose to be. This is too complicated for there to be a right decision. I do want to be here for you and I’m not compromising myself for that. I’m going to be here, but I can’t see him or talk to him.”

 

James went slack and burrowed his face into Remus’ neck. “I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispered.

 

_———_

 

It wasn’t as bad as Remus expected and his muscles relaxed a bit, though not fully. James came and went, attending to Sirius when he woke and Remus mostly played chess with Peter. Remus always won, but Peter seemed to be thankful for a distraction. He generally stuck as close to Remus as possible and was neck in neck with James over who told Remus the most how thankful they were that he was here. 

 

When Euphemia first saw Remus she kissed his cheeks and brought him into the kitchen, pushed him down into a chair, and slid a plate of brownies to him.

 

“I’m sorry,” he couldn’t help but say, terrified of her disappointment that he didn't come to them immediately.

 

She chastised him, “Shush and eat some chocolate.”

 

Since then, she kissed the top of his head anytime she passed by him. She wordless set up a cot in the living room on a different couch then Sirius was originally on. Remus had cried out all his tears but his eyes went wet that she knew without him saying he didn’t want to stay in the upstairs guest room that was right across from James’.

 

Fleamont pulled him for a bear hug and told him he’s helping by just being here with them.

 

———

 

James didn’t tell Remus about Sirius’ dreams.

 

———

 

When Sirius woke up he asked about Remus again and James hesitated.

 

“He’s here, isn’t he?” Sirius asked, excited.

 

James wanted to lie and say no, but the truth had to come out sooner or later.

 

“He’s here to show his support, but he’s not going to come up here.”

 

Sirius frowned. “He doesn’t want to see me?”

 

“It’s not for the best,” James whispered.

 

———

 

Remus considered staying another day, but he could hardly get out of bed that morning and he twitched with pain. James glared at him once he realized that the full moon was in two days and mothered him throughout the morning.

 

“Now you sit right back down. That’s right, let me just wrap this blanket around you.”

 

“You should be at home resting! Here, eat another brownie. Bad, Moony. You need to take care of yourself.”

 

“WORMTAIL THOSE ARE MOONY’S CHOCOLATES NOT YOURS.”

 

“More tea? What am I saying, of course you want more tea, here’s some more.”

 

“Yes, you need another blanket. I’m not letting you be a werewolf with a _cold,_ Merlin Moony, who do you think I am? Now, how about some more tea and a cookie.”

 

He slid a plate of cookies under the door while Remus was peeing.

 

———

 

Remus yanked James down onto the couch with him and quickly wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. He began to protest, saying he needed to be doing this and that, there was so much to do.

 

“Even a hero needs rest, Jamie,” Remus insisted, “now lie down and let me take care of you.”

 

James took in a shaky breath, but let his head be guided into Moony’s lap, something Moony never did for people. His eyes fluttered closed as Moony carded his fingers through his hair and soothed him with reassurances.

 

“You’re a good friend, Jamie. The very best. Everything’s alright and he has several people to take care of him, you can take a few moments for yourself. You need to take care of you, too.”

 

“But — ”

 

“No, listen. You’re going to lie down and relax. You need this and I’m going to be right here, okay? I promise to wake you if anything bad happens.”

 

James burrowed his head into Moony’s leg, a flood of emotions he’d pushed away washed through him. He thought he’d be too stressed to ever sleep, he hadn’t slept at all since Sirius appeared in the kitchen in a bloody beaten mess, but within seconds he struggled to stay conscious. 

 

The blanket was pulled up to his chin and his glasses were gently taken off.

 

“I love you, Jamie,” was the last thing he heard.

 

———

 

When Remus flooed back home, the dizzying movement sent him toppling out of his fireplace and onto his knees where he proceeded to throw up. He retched and threw up again, though that might not have been from physical nausea. 

 

———

 

“No, Prongs, c’mon,” Sirius moaned, pushing James’ arms away. “I feel better! I want to get up and move a bit.”

 

James grumbled under his breath but moved out of the way. Sirius bounded down the stairs, adrenaline masking the pain. 

 

“Where’s Moony?” He demanded as he came to a halt in front of Pete.

 

Peter look up at him, confused. “He left about an hour ago, I think.”

 

“He… left?” 

 

James rested a hand on his shoulder. “The full moon is in a few days and he was really sick this morning.”

 

Sirius wondered if those words sounded as hollow to James as it did to him. He looked at the fireplace and frowned.

 

———

 

That night was the first time Sirius’ dream wasn’t an exact replica of a memory, but instead was a warped one his mind made up.

 

_“Remmy,” he slurs, “Remmy come here!”_

 

_Remus stands a few feet in front of him in the Shrieking Shack, but every step Sirius takes, Remus becomes three steps farther away. He opens his arms wide and demands Remus to come to him._

 

_Remus watches him sadly and shakes his head. “It’s not for the best,” he said. “It’s not for the best.”_

 

_“Stop it! Just come here! You’re mine, you’re my Remmy.”_

 

_Moonlight streaks through the window and it highlights huge, dark circles under Remus’ eyes. Grey streaks through his hair and his cheeks are gaunt and his skin looks so pale it’s translucent. But his eyes — his eyes are the worst. They’re clouded in pain and the sadness makes Sirius choke on air._

 

_“It’s not for the best,” Remus whispers and transforms into the werewolf._

 

_Before Sirius can even fear for his life or scramble to get away, the werewolf starts ripping itself up, sinking its teeth into its body and cutting deep into its stomach, arms, legs. Sirius screams for it to stop and tries to become Padfoot, but he’s stuck frozen in the same spot as a human._

 

_There’s so much blood and the werewolf slices a deep gash over its face and then it bites it’s arm so hard the bone cracks and it topples onto the floor._

 

_Sirius screams and screams and screams, telling it to stop, saying it’s killing his Remmy, pleading with Remmy to somehow gain control, pleading for help, pleading for it to attack him instead._

 

_Sirius vomits when Remus transforms back into a mangled mess in a puddle of dark blood. Remus’ stomach is ripped open, his intestines falling out, and blood pours from his ears and nose._

 

_“You did this to me,” Remus gargles through the blood and gasps for air, once, twice, and then nothing. His head lolls to the side, giving Sirius the perfect view of his lifeless green eyes._

 

Sirius bolted awake, a scream on his lips. A loud snore erupted from his right and he flinched violently, but it grounded him in the present. He buried his head in his hands, trying to make sense of the dream and focusing on James’ snoring to remind him he’s at the Potters and not the Shrieking Shack.

 

———

 

“How’s it not for the best?”

 

James wiped his eyes, yawning. “Wha’?”

 

Sirius peered down at him from the bed. “You told me ‘it’s not for the best’ for Remus to see me. Why?”

 

“Pads, it’s the middle of the night, go back to sleep.” James nodded off a bit at the end and Sirius reached down to push his shoulder.

 

“No, tell me,” he demanded.

 

“Pads,” James warned, pinching the area between his eyes. “This isn’t the time. You need to be getting better and not getting caught up in this right now. You already have too much to deal with. Go back to sleep.”

 

“No, I want to know.”

 

“Pads.”

 

“Tell me why.”

 

“No.”

 

“Why did you say that?”

 

“Pa — ”

 

“Why?”

 

“Sir — ”

 

“Why?”

 

“PADS.”

 

_“Why!”_

 

James fisted his hair. He was too bloody exhausted for this. He’d been stretched too far taking care of everyone and he couldn’t help but unleash what he should have kept in.

 

“You love Moony and you’re gay and you were in a relationship with him — I know. I know that you’re gay and I wanted to wait until you came out to me because I wanted to believe you would actually confide in me, your best mate — your brother. I figured it out, Moony didn’t tell me, I think I’ve always known without realizing it, but it didn’t hit me until you started ignoring him in January. This isn’t for the best because you broke his heart and he’s just healing from it and you’ve just been attacked by your own family and you are nowhere near capable of loving someone right now until you deal with all this shit. You can’t suddenly snap back to him. I’m tired and I’m going to regret this in the morning, but you pushed me and I really, really,” James’ voice cracked and he started bawling, “just want to fucking sleep.”

 

Sirius climbed out of bed and sat hesitantly next to James.

 

“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered and he was hit right in the chest with what Regulus said about not being there for Prongs. “I’m sorry.”

 

Sirius held James until he fell asleep in his arms, but he wasn’t able to fall back asleep himself. 

 

Darkness turned to purple then orange and pink and then blue and the birds began chirping, all the while Sirius stared blankly out the window, going over everything Regulus said. He wasted hours arguing to himself that he was nothing like his brother said he was. 

 

He was nothing like his family.

 

Right?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***  
> TW: In the beginning of the chap Sirius gets beat up/ has Dark magic inflicted upon him but the actual event of it happening is skipped and just goes straight into him being injured. There's a brief description of him being a bloody mess. At the end of the chap Sirius has a dream where Remus transforms and rips himself apart.  
> ****
> 
>  
> 
> Wow okay this was a long chapter and there was more stuff I meant to cover in it but gah. I've planned this one from the beginning but actually writing it was so difficult because it could go in so many directions and I wanted to handle it carefully. I had to think a lot about if Remus would go and what his reasons would be if he did. 
> 
> Important bits:
> 
> 1\. Regulus did not attack Sirius!! Sirius explains more in the next chapter, but basically Sirius started to physically beat up Reg and Wally and Orion heard and came running. They're the ones who hurt Sirius, to Reg's horror, and when they are done, Reg sneakily has Kreacher apparate Sirius to the Potters s he can be taken care of (that was the loud crack Euphemia and James heard).
> 
> 2\. I hope it doesn't seem like I sweep over Sirius' trauma and go straight to the romance bit. Sirius' injuries and emotional impact will be dealt with in the next chaps, but right now he's basically had his head pulled out of his ass and his first thought is of Moony/ it's easier to think about that than what actually just happened.
> 
> I'M SO HAPPY TO BE DONE WITH WRITING 100% PURE AGNST IMPULSIVE ASSHOLE SIRIUS. He'll still be angsty and an ass, but he'll at least start trying.  
> Also, sorry if the memories was me teasing too much, but I've wanted to give more backstory of wolfstar in this fic. It helps to see the depth of which Remus was hurt too, seeing how close they were and how much things fell apart.
> 
> Any thoughts or comments are much appreciated : ) : ) hope everyone's doing well!!


	20. Terse Acknowledgment and Flushed Cheeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last bits of summer and back to Hogwarts. Sirius is oblivious while Remus is becoming less so.

Coming to consciousness, Remus felt someone sitting on the bed. He felt relief wash over him that Lily got his letter and was able to come.

 

“Bitching ash-fucking-winder son of a fucking asshole bastard,” He cursed the second his mouth muscles came to life.

 

A strained laughter, but laughter nonetheless erupted next to him. He wished to open his eyes to see the red hair framing Lily’s smiling face, but his headache would not adjust to light kindly.

 

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

 

“I knew it was you so I’m free to swear as I please, Lils.”

 

“How’d you know it was me?”

 

“Feel it in my bones.”

 

A cold, dainty hand smoothed his curls down and he sighed a bit. He had no major injuries, in fact, he couldn’t feel the sting of a single cut, which was odd because he assumed this transformation was going to be terrible. He searched through his mind, remembering the night. The wolf was beyond frustrated and had every intent of making the night hell, but within minutes it rammed its head so hard into the concrete wall, he passed out. That explained the brutal head pain.

 

“Ash-fucking-winder?”

 

Remus slowly cracked his eyes open, clenching his teeth as his eyes and head adjusted to the light streaming through the window. Lily stopped fiddling with her braid and held onto Remus’ hand as he repeatedly blinked.

 

He lifted a hand to tap his head lightly and explained, “Concussion.” Then remembering, he added, “Ashwinder. You know the serpent, created by fire, love potion eggs?”

 

Lily rolled her eyes. “I know what an Ashwinder is — ”

 

“Pompous know-it-all.”

 

“— but why the fuck is that the first thing on your mind?”

 

Remus shrugged. “Honestly, that’s the most tame swear I’ve invented. James has a whole journal dedicated to curses I’ve said after full moons. Concussions always bring the strangest things to mind.”

 

“I’m surprised you have any brain cells left after how many concussions you’ve gotten over the years,” Lily teased and Remus was thankful she’d caught onto how this was how he liked post-moon’s to go. Light and distracting from the pain.

 

It was weird, the marauders were always the ones to be there after his transformations. There was the time during his laughing potion incident where she had sat with him after, but the only memory he had of that was waking up to Lucas. 

 

It was nice, though. Lily had a grounding presence that reminded him a bit of James. 

 

“I probably have maybe one cell left up in there,” he mused, pretending to be solemn. “It would explain why I ever found Black desirable.”

 

In one second they went from shock to giggling out of control. Remus had never done that — reached the point where he could joke about his past with Sirius with ease, but it rolled off his tongue so readily and without bitterness.

 

“What are you too trouble-makers getting up to in there?” Hope called from the kitchen.

 

“Nothing!” They shouted between giggles.

 

The laughter may have increased the headache by a tenfold, but _damn did it feel good to laugh like that_ , Remus thought.

 

———

 

James finally managed to pull a reluctant Sirius out for a family meal, reassuring him that there was no need to be nervous even though Sirius stubbornly insisted he wasn’t nervous. 

 

Sirius crossed his legs under the Potter dining table, awaiting Fleamont and Euphemia to interrogate him about his injuries.

 

James’ parents held hands on top of the table while Fleamont told Sirius he was staying with them.

 

“Forever,” he stated. “Any objections?”

 

Sirius looked at Euphemia, who smiled kindly. He glanced down at the tablecloth and said a quiet thank you.

 

“Well, alright then. Let’s eat.”

 

———

 

“So, what’s going on with Black?”

 

“How did you know?”

 

“Oh, please. You hate inviting people to your home and you can’t use the moon as an excuse because Potter’s always the one who fusses over you after one. If he’s not here that means it’s not by choice, so it must be out of his control. He’s already been on holiday, so I know he’s home, and he doesn’t have any relatives so there’s no emergency of someone on their death bed. 

 

“Naturally, Black is the only variable that fits.”

 

“Pompous know-it-all. Also, you know a surprising amount of information on Jamie.”

 

“Oh shut up and fess up.”

 

———

 

 

Sirius didn’t say a peep all summer about his family except for one late evening after racing on broomsticks, he exploded into a rant about his brother. 

 

“You know, you arrived in the kitchen with a loud apparition crack,” James spoke up after twenty minutes, “I’d bet my life that Kreacher brought you here.”

 

Sirius scoffed. “That piece of shit hates me.”

 

“Exactly.” James took the broomstick in Sirius’ hand and put it in the shed. “The only reason he’d do it was if he was commanded. And who would do that?”

 

Kreacher loved Regulus more than any of the other Blacks and he would do anything Regulus requested.

 

Sirius grunted. He still blamed Reg. A small act of love doesn’t change that.

 

———

 

Sirius felt his rage roil in his stomach, the acid crashing like tsunami waves against his insides. But throughout the summer he held his tongue whenever his patience was tried. 

 

He was trying to do better — he was no less angry than before but he was trying to keep it from affecting others. 

 

———

 

Sirius’ nightmares that often plagued his nights the first few years of Hogwarts returned. Most nights James climbed into Sirius’ bed after a bad one and stayed with him in case there were any more. 

 

After a few days of this, Fleamont did the Engorgement Charm on the bed to make them more comfortable. 

 

Prongs was an excellent distractor, but Sirius couldn’t help but compare him to Moony, who had always been the one to cuddle with him after a bad dream. Sirius never brought up the subject of Moony again with Prongs, but his mind did not give up on the matter so easy. 

 

Sometimes the only way to calm down after the vivid image of his mother looming over him while his father twisted his arms behind his back was to remember the exact shade of green Moony’s eyes were when he smiled.

 

———

 

Euphemia checked over Sirius every morning and every night in worry that one of the curses would come back. A week after he seemed to be getting better he developed another fever and hacked up black goo for three days.

 

———

 

James tried to hide the fact that he sent letters to Moony daily, but one day Sirius went through his drawers to borrow a t-shirt and he saw a huge stack of their letters tucked in the back under a pair of pajamas.

 

———

 

“Jamie, that lovely Evans girl sent you a letter again!”

 

Sirius sat stunned on the bed as James raced down the stairs.

 

_Again?_

 

_———_

 

James rocked on his feet in excitement of the platform, searching the crowds for a familiar face. They arrived at Platform 9 and 3/4 early to avoid running into the Blacks, but so far they had yet to appear. James would usher Sirius into a compartment soon but he hoped to run into Remus or Peter first.

 

A pair of arms grabbed him from behind and he yelped in surprise. The deep breathy laugh and the thin arms immediately gave Remus away and James spun around and shoved him lightly.

 

“Idiot,” he insulted affectionately and Remus just rolled his eyes in response.

 

“Hey, Moony,” Sirius chriped, an easy but nervous grin on his face. 

 

Both Remus and James looked at him as if he had grown an extra head; the 180 turn Sirius has taken on treating Remus was startling, to say the least. 

 

James visibly cringed.

 

Remus tilted his head down in terse acknowledgment and turned his body back toward James, resisting the urge to shift his feet.

 

“Uh, I saw Petey back over there,” Remus paused to point over a mass of first years huddling together, “he’s stuck in a conversation with his mum and her friend? Some Hufflepuff’s mother I think.” Remus shrugged his shoulders.

 

James nodded his head and said he and Sirius were going to find a compartment. “I’ll see you soon.”

 

“Yeah.” Remus smiled. “The Girls all like you, so just stop by and hang with us for a bit.”

 

“Eh, more like they tolerate me,” James deflected, but looked pleased and giddy at the compliment.

 

Sirius, growing frustrated at the sideline, interjected that Moony should come sit with them. 

 

Remus blinked, opened his mouth, shut it, and then turned on his heel.

 

_———_

 

“Darling, love of my life!”

 

“Yes, hello, Frank.”

 

Frank punched Remus in the upper arm. “Ungrateful shit. Here I am, slaving away in my love and devotion for you and this is all I get? An eye roll? AHA! That’s the special secret Remus smile I was hoping for.”

 

“Missed you too, Frank.” 

 

“Well as thrilling as this was,” Frank blew out his nose and Remus chuckled. Frank’s sarcasm was great and nicely complimented Remus’, but Frank was much too warm and light-hearted for it to ever be taken seriously. It always put Remus at ease. “I’m off to find the real love of my life.”

 

Remus shook his head sadly, and muttered in his best depressed voice, “That poor girl. May God bless her poor soul for being stuck with you.”

 

Frank punched his shoulder a little harder and then stuck his tongue out at him.

 

_———_

 

“Lucas!”

 

Lucas turned his head at the sound of Remus’ shout, somehow hearing it over the deafening noises of the platform. His face split into a wide smile, but Remus was starting to learn and read his body language better and he could tell from the way his right shoulder was hiked higher than usual that he was tense. He seemed reluctant to cross the distance and so Remus did it for him, his excitement only slightly faltered by the hesitance. 

 

He hadn’t really planned to catapult himself into Lucas’ arms, but his body seemed to have a mind of its own. Not that Remus minded much, now that he had Lucas’ arms wrapped around him. Lucas stumbled back a bit from the force of the hug, but he steadied both of them easily, arms wrapping around Remus’ waist and tugging him closer. 

 

Remus’ face flushed a bit as he realized this was the first hug between them. 

 

He pulled back, biting his inner cheek as he searched Lucas’ face to see if that was alright. Lucas rubbed the back of his neck nervously, but his right shoulder had fallen back to being only slightly more raised than the left and his brown eyes were wide and fond.

 

It had only been a month since they were together at the beach and a few days since they last talked on the phone, but Remus still felt like it had been an eternity. The last weeks had been more than overwhelming and the calming effect Lucas had on him was more apparent. 

 

He felt clear headed and pleasant. The constant bubbling of his blood under his skin eased and the tension in his skull that he hadn’t even realized was there let up.

 

“Alright, Rem?”

 

Remus laughed. He wanted to say _I am now_ but that was sappy and he wasn’t ready for that yet.

 

“I was until I saw your stupid face,” he said instead and internally cringed that his fallback was always sarcasm.

 

But then Lucas’ rain laughter pattered out and Remus eagerly patted himself on the back mentally for achieving that reaction.

 

———

 

Sirius had his feet kicked up, his short legs taking up the bench so that Peter had to sit on the opposite bench next to James. Not that Peter minded much, he’d prefer it to be that way anyway. 

 

Remus hadn’t responded on the platform when Sirius invited him to their compartment, but he still held some expectation that Remus would come. He kept his eye on the glass sliding door, idly watching the students pass by and looking for a peek of soft brown curls.

 

“Is that,” Sirius started, pulling his legs down and squinting to see better. “That chaser on the Ravenclaw team?”

 

Oblivious, Remus and Lucas walked past the compartment holding the three marauders. Remus made wide gestures with his hands as he chattered away and Lucas listened as if his life depending on it.

 

“Oh, Lucas,” Peter piped up. Turning to James, he asked, “How was the beach? I’m sad I missed it.”

 

James’s shoulders loosened a bit — that was a great memory. Lily’s red hair blowing in the slight wind and the slight tan that brought out her eyes flashed in his mind.

 

Sirius, on the other hand, was caught up in the fact that there was a trip to the beach and he wasn’t invited. And it seemed like Wormtail was implying that Lucas was? Sirius scowled, he’d forgotten about that stupid boy over the summer. He’d assumed that it was some short phase Remus was going through — a rebound. 

 

———

 

The train ride back to Hogwarts was relatively calm. After returning with Lily from the Prefect meeting, Remus ended up falling asleep within minutes and Marlene snapped a photo at the exact moment his corners twitched up from a dream. James’ eyes watered at the sight when he popped by.

 

“He’s so adorable,” he blubbered and had to be shooed out when he couldn’t calm himself.

 

“Damn,” Dorcas whistled. “Imagine what he’d be like PMS-ing.”

 

——— 

 

Just as James was walking to the feast, Regulus placed a hand over his mouth and pulled him off and around a deserted corner. 

 

James neither struggled nor pulled out his wand when he was released, even upon seeing who it was. Regulus was mildly impressed, though less reckless than his brother, James had a reputation for getting into duels and occasionally actively seeking them in the past. 

 

James stared at him expectantly, his face distrustful and slightly cold.

 

“Is he…” Regulus took a deep breath and ducked his head. “Is he alright?”

 

“He’s alive,” James bit out, but then reeled his upset back in, recognizing his anger was more at the situation and not at Sirius’ brother. He read the guilt in Reg’s body and softened his voice. “There’s no permanent physical damage that we know of.”

 

Regulus nodded, knowing not to ask him to carry a message from him to Sirius. It would do more harm than good.

 

———

 

Lily and Remus herded the new first years up to the Gryffindor portrait hole, talking quietly with each other. He noticed one of the first years, a dark skinned girl with pretty hazel eyes, had a few feet of distance between her and the rest of the group. Whether she made that space herself or the others were excluding her, Remus didn’t know but he recognized the longing in her eyes as she kept glancing at the others talking and introducing themselves. 

 

When they came to the Fat Lady, he nudged the young girl and whispered the password in her ear.

 

“Really?” She asked in awe, a little excitement bubbling up in her. Remus guessed she was a Muggleborn. “I get to do it?”

 

Remus smiled and inclined his head toward the portrait.

 

“W-weedsorrows!”

 

“Weedosoros,” the Fat Lady corrected, not unkindly, and opened up.

 

Remus grinned at the first year, who blushed shyly. 

 

 

———

 

The next morning Remus was out of bed and out the door in mere minutes in eagerness to go to the library. He and Lucas hadn’t planned to meet up, but he hoped he would be there to carry on the routine they started last year.

 

His nerves were buzzing as he sped down the corridors, coming to a walk once he was in sight of the librarian and then back into hurried steps once he was out. 

 

He breathed in the smell of books deeply and made the final turn in the maze of shelves.

 

“Morn,” Lucas yawned loudly, revealing rows or pearly whites, “-ning!”

 

Remus pulled his bag off and sat down next to Lucas, drawing his feet up and trying not to stare at the endearing flush that always graced the Ravenclaw’s cheeks in the morning. Staring down into his lap, a weight of lead dropped into his stomach as he realized he was wearing one of his old robes.

 

His old, ratty, second-hand, oversized robe.

 

Lucas jolted at Remus’ look of horror and scooted back a bit, worried that whatever Remus was upset about was his fault, that maybe he had sat too close for Remus’ comfort.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Remus’ cheeks darkened as he stuttered that he needed to change.

 

“Did you get a tear in your clothes? I can repair it for you,” Lucas offered.

 

“No, it’s just,” Remus took a deep breath. He didn’t want Lucas to see him in this. “I usually wear Marls’ robes.”

 

Lucas unconsciously nibbled his lip, still confused about what the problem was. Remus wrung his hands and turned his head away as Lucas’ eyes raked over his robes. 

 

“Oh,” Lucas said. “Oh! Rem?” He scooted closer and when Remus kept his head turned the other way, Lucas hooked his ankle around his. “Rem, you know I don’t care what you wear, right?”

 

Remus looked up doubtfully. He was invisible in these clothes. They were hideous and gave away how poor his family was. Marlene’s robes made him feel like he was somewhat handsome. 

 

Lucas brightened up now that Remus was facing him again and said with earnest, “Really! You could wear a cardboard box for all I care.”

 

Remus snorted softly. 

 

“If it makes you feel good to be in her robes, though,” Lucas went on, “that’s great and I can walk you back up to change.”

 

Remus swallowed the fluttering feeling in him and teased, “I’d hope you wouldn’t be glad if I felt good to be _in her robes_.”

 

Flustered, Lucas was set off into rambles. “That’s not what I meant. I mean, if you were though or if you wanted to be in someone else’s robes — wait, gah, I mean if you were _interested_ in someone and they made you happy, of course, I’d be glad.”

 

Remus didn’t know if he wanted to hit Lucas on the head for being too kind or if he wanted to — 

 

Remus felt his cheeks heat up again at the thought of the alternative. 

 

Wiping that idea from his mind, he closed the last few inches of distance between them and tentatively laid his head on Lucas’ shoulder. 

 

Lucas’ body heat radiated off his skin and snuggled its warmth into Remus.


	21. Best to Go With Your Gut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> September is ending. New information is learned and questions are asked.

 “Lucas Phillip Leal-Pan,” the blond seventh year bowed his head, “at your service.”

 

“Lucas Philip Le — ” Remus struggled to remember the last part. His eyes widened when he realizes. “That’s your full name?”

 

A harsh breeze blew by and Remus hid a shiver so Lucas wouldn’t insist they go somewhere warmer. 

 

Remus was having a bad day, no particular reason, the full moon wasn’t near and Sirius wasn’t pestering him. He just felt off since he woke up. Lucas didn’t comment on his mood. He had only told Remus he wanted to go up to the astronomy tower and asked if he’d like to come. 

 

Remus had felt grumbly on the inside about it, but as soon as they were there, everything fell away. It was quiet besides the occasional breeze. He still didn’t feel like talking and so Lucas alternated between sitting in comfortable silence and talking about whatever came to mind. 

 

Remus didn’t want to leave just yet, especially since he hadn’t had much time with Lucas in the past few weeks. The cold September breeze was an easy sacrifice.

 

Lucas nodded and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, Leal-Pan. My parents have a silly sense of humor and continue to find it hilarious that they made my initials LPLP.”

 

Remus snorted and covered his mouth.

 

“You can laugh, it is funny.” Lucas’ eyes traced the sheepish smile on Remus’ face when his hand lowered.

 

“At least you’re not, Wolf Wolf,” Remus pointed out. “Once Peter knew I was a werewolf and when I was okay joking about it, he laughed for a whole week, not exaggerating.”

 

Lucas giggled and shook his head. “At least you’re the founder of Rome,” he offered. “Did I ever tell you about how Frank and I became friends?”

 

When Remus looked at him with curious eyes, Lucas went on, “So, Professor McGonagall calls out our names in first year before we go up to the sorting hat, yeah?” 

 

Remus nodded.

 

“Well, we shared Charms with Gryffindor the next day and Frank came sauntering up to me and said _Lucas Philip Leal-Pan?”_

 

Remus’ eyebrows climbed into his bangs at the surprisingly accurate imitation of Frank’s voice.

 

“And he said it in the most confrontational voice I’d ever heard,” Lucas laughed in exasperated affection. “So, all of this was new to me and I thought he was going to fight me because he could tell my parents are Muggles. My wand was useless, I didn’t know a single spell yet, and so I pull my fists up — I know! — I wasn’t going to actual punch him, I didn’t know how to, but I’m standing there, practically waving my fists in his face and he just grins, like the Cheshire cat?”

 

Remus stopped snickering at the image of a tiny Lucas pretending to be violent and nodded his head eagerly, showing that he knew the reference. He loved whenever Lucas made a Muggle reference that he knew. 

 

“And he leans in and says,” Lucas paused and Remus groaned because he knew it was going to be something stupid. “ _Little Pee Large Poop._ ”

 

Remus’ mouth hit the floor. He covered his eyes with his hand and groaned again, ridiculously dragging it out.

 

“Frank, _why._ ” Remus grimaced as if it physically pained him and it threw Lucas into hysterics.

 

Which Remus didn’t mind. At all. He felt overwhelmed in a good way, Lucas’ laughter echoed in the tower and his body was curled inward and shaking. It was more like bursts of giggles and it was a different kind of rain than his chuckles.

 

Like the sound of rain hitting the grass instead of the pavement.

 

Lucas wiped his eyes and Remus averted his so he wouldn’t be caught.

 

Remus fought the heat of his cheeks and cleared his throat. “Your parents are Muggles?”

 

Lucas looked bemused and Remus rushed to say, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that, my mum’s a Muggle. I just noticed you said ‘my parents are Muggles’ instead of ‘I’m Muggleborn’…”

 

Lucas smiled kindly. “Yeah, I’m adopted. I was abandoned as a baby, well they left me outside of an orphanage,” Lucas corrected himself. “So, not complete abandonment, I guess. Professor McGonagall came by to explain the whole ‘you’re a wizard!’ when I was eleven and she offered to tell me about my birth parents if I wanted.”

 

Lucas paused, eyes unfocused in the distance and Remus took a deep breath and placed his hand over his friend’s. Lucas blinked and looked down at their hands in awe.

 

Remus retracted his hand and willed his face to stay normal. Lucas ducked his head, not quite hiding his beaming face.

 

“I didn’t really care.” 

 

It took Remus a second to remember Lucas was in the middle of a story and he cocked his head, waiting for him to continue.

 

“My parents are amazing, you know? It never bothered me growing up, wondering who my ‘actual’ family was,” Lucas scoffed at the idea of his adoptive parents not being _real_ parents and Remus found the look of disgust so odd on the usual serene face. “I never wanted to find them, but I said alright, because I wanted to know if they were wizards. Like, did they leave me at an orphanage knowing that Muggles would adopt me with no idea what they were getting into? How dangerous that could be for both of us?”

 

“And were they wizards?”

 

“Yeah,” Lucas’s voice was softer, but not forlorn. “Some super wealthy family in North America. Apparently, my birth mother had an affair and the husband kept it super hush-hush. Complete disgrace. Kept me a secret, had her give birth in Britain so no one could trace me back to them, and that was it.”

 

Remus placed his hand over Lucas’ again, but this time kept it there, curling his fingers into the gap’s between Lucas’.

 

“I’m sorry,” Remus whispered. Not full of pity or sympathy, because he knew how much he hated that when it came to his lycanthropy. 

 

“S’alright. I love my parents more than anything and it’s a funny thing now. My mum loves to call me her bastard baby.” Lucas shook his head fondly. “And if they kept me I wouldn’t be here. Right now, in this astronomy tower.

 

“I wouldn’t give that up for the world.”

 

———

 

Peter scampered down the stairs and into the common room. He made a beeline for James, who was talking with some fifth years, and whispered in his ear. Excusing himself, James pulled Peter to a quiet corner.

 

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he asked, “And Remus?”

 

“I don’t know. I think I saw him with Alice?”

 

James took a deep breath and threw an arm over Peter’s shoulder, putting on a reassuring face for him. “We got some work to do, huh Wormy?”

 

Peter grumbled something about needing a lot of taffy after this as they walked back to their room.

 

———

 

“You okay, Remus?” Dorcas waved her hand to make her black nail polish dry faster. “You’ve been off today, but you seem a bit better, though more spacey.”

 

“Hm? Oh, no, I’m alright. I’m just thinking about something.”

 

Dorcas kept her knowing looking to herself and started on her other hand. “Well, don’t think too hard or you’ll go insane. Best to just go with your gut, is what I say.”

 

———

 

“Sirius,” James said carefully, in an attempt to placate. Pretending to be causal, he asked what was he doing.

 

Without moving from his activity, Sirius huffed, “What’s it look like I’m doing?”

 

“Like you’re creepily making a heart out of chocolate bars on Moony’s bed that he won’t eat and will probably burn,” Peter quipped in one breath.

 

James shot Peter a look and in his head he sarcastically congratulated him on his subtly.

 

“ _No_ ,” Sirius reprimanded. “I’m making a heart out of chocolate that my Moony will love and appreciate.” He placed a chocolate frog in the middle and stepped back to take in his work. “It’s romantic,” he added.

 

“Don’t call him your Moony.” Peter narrowed his eyes.

 

James cut Sirius off before he spat out something rude. “He’s right, you can’t call him that.” James held Sirius’ gaze. “Okay?”

 

A muscle twitched in Sirius’ clenched jaw, but he didn’t say anything and James took that as a win. 

 

“Now, you need to take this off,” James said slowly. “Moons doesn’t want you to be romantic and it’s bad enough you touched his bed without his permission. We can fix this if you let us help. Right Wormy?”

 

Peter gave a thumbs up.

 

Sirius crossed his arms and made his stance wider. “I don’t want to fix it.”

 

“Pads, please. Don’t do this, mate.”

 

Sirius paced the short five steps between his bed and Remus’. His heart raced and his throat was threatening to shout, but he pushed it down. He hadn’t had any big freak outs in the three weeks since school started and he didn’t want to break his streak. 

 

He sat down on the edge of his bed. “He deserves _me_. He deserves to be with _me._ Not that, that, Mark or whatever his name is, that stupid chaser. Some coward Ravenclaw. As if he’d be good — as if he’d _deserve_ Remus,” Sirius laughed. “No. _No way._ ”

 

“I like Lucas. He’s nice and helps me with History of Magic sometimes.”

 

“I’m nice to you. I’ve been friends with you longer.”

 

Peter pursed his lips and looked at the ground.

 

“I like Lucas, too,” James spoke up. He walked and sat on the bed with Sirius. “He’s not a coward or stupid. He’s kind, honest, humble.”

 

“And cute,” Peter piped up.

 

James couldn’t help a peal of laughter and quickly covered it up with a cough as Sirius glowered at them.

 

“Fine. Then I’ll just have to prove how I’m better than him. I love my— we’re soulmates! We’re meant for each other.” Excitement tingled in Sirius’ fingers and he scooted closer to James. “I’ll win him back and you can help me, Prongsie. I love him, I do. I’d admit my mistakes and he’s the love of my life.”

 

“What were your mistakes?”

 

“What?”

 

“You said you admit your mistakes.” James pressed, “What were they?”

 

Sirius waved his hand in waving motion. “You know, just the general. Yeah, just in general — ” James gave him a dry look. “— I, er, I wasn’t always there for him when he needed me,” he grounded out, but his heart swelled with pride for admitting that. _Good job, Sirius._

 

He didn’t understand the disappointment in James’ eyes and the expectant look, as if he was waiting for him to say more.

 

Helpful as ever, Peter asked, “Didn’t you kiss that girl?”

 

“Doesn’t matter,” Sirius growled, when would people stop bring that up? “We’re in love.”

 

James tried to be gentle as possible while being firm. “Padfoot, that’s not…Moons has moved on… It’s over. I’m sorry, mate, but it’s the truth.”

 

Sirius spluttered and James closed his eyes to regain energy. He reminded himself of the conversation he had with Remus when he accidentally said that Sirius loved him. The hard, crushed, disappointed scarred faced was burned in his mind. James had finally come around to believing that Sirius never loved him and letting go of the idea that things would go perfectly back to normal.

 

_Sirius will come around, too,_ James promised himself, _I’ll make him see._

 

“No, Padfoot, you don’t… You’re not in love with him. No, don’t look at me like that, whatever was between you two, it wasn’t healthy and I know without a doubt you loved him… in a way… at some point, but you stopped putting the effort into it and you weren’t just not there for him… you actively hurt him and you knew it. You always did what was best for you and not for him…

 

“It’s harsh, but it’s true and you know I love you, but I have to protect Remus too.”

 

James avoided Sirius’ gaze, hating that he was made out to be the bad guy.

 

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. You don’t know how I feel! I already have to prove to Moony that I love him, don’t make me have to prove it to you, too,” Sirius pleaded.

 

Prongs went quiet for several minutes and the only sound was the loud chewing of Wormtail eating taffy. Sirius grew antsy, wanting to shake Prongs into talking. He didn’t have any qualms because he was Prongs’ brother. Prongs would always stick by his side. He didn’t bother about Wormtail, his opinion was useless except that it pissed Sirius off.

 

“Okay,” James started and pushed his shoulders back, a challenging and determined glint in his eyes. “What’s Moony’s favorite book?”

 

“What?”

 

“You said you’d prove it. So, prove it.”

 

“Uh, some stupid Muggle book. Er… whatever that one was, you know what I’m talking about. The Good Nasty, or whatever. He always talks about that one.”

 

“It’s the Great _Gatsby,_ Padfoot. He goes on and on about it because of how much he hates it.”

 

“Trick question,” Sirius complained. “Give me another.”

 

“Moony’s biggest insecurity?”

 

“Impossible to know, if it’s his biggest insecurity, he wouldn’t tell anyone about it. Because he’s insecure about it.”

 

“You’re supposed to be perceptive about it. Anyone close to him should know it.”

 

Sirius didn’t appreciate the patronization. “If you’re so smart, then what is it.”

 

“If you don’ know it on your own, then you shouldn't know,” Peter spoke around a wad of taffy. “S’ Moo—ee’s businessh.”

 

Before Sirius could snap back, the tension between those two growing, James popped another question, “What’s his favorite jumper?”

 

“The blue-grey one. My eyes, you know.” Sirius puffed his chest.

 

“Pads… he… threw that out months ago…”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“He burned it,” James spoke gently, sharing a look with Wormtail. They had burned it with him after one of Moony’s bad nightmares. “His favorite one is the black one with little flowers all over it.”

 

Sirius looked crushed with a swirl of anger. James decided to try throwing easier questions, seeing as semi-difficult ones were failing horribly.

 

“What’s his favorite class?”

 

“Defense, that’s easy.”

 

James held back a sigh. “He actually likes them all equally.” Putting on an encouraging face, he asked, “Alright, an easier one: what annoys him more than anything?” 

 

“Not having chocolate!”

 

While it wasn’t a bad guess, James was still surprised. The real answer was more than obvious, Remus would get overly snappy in an instant from it.

 

“Pushing him to talk about something he doesn’t want to,” Peter said offhandedly,now done with his sweets and staring longingly at the chocolate heart still on the bed.

 

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “No one asked you, _Wormtail_.” 

 

There was a part in James that really, really wanted Sirius to get at least one answer right. It was slightly horrifying how little he knew. 

 

Seven questions later he was feeling desperate. “What’s his parents’ names?”

 

“Louie and Peace.”

 

“Merlin’s beard, you’ve met them multiple times! For more than five years.”

 

Sirius let his long longs fall forward, masking his face. After awhile, he said, “I don’t want to play this game anymore.”

 

A dash of guilt settled in James. He wondered if he went too far. But nothing had ever got Sirius to listen before. Maybe this was for the best. James didn’t like it, though, the torn feeling of needing to protect both his best mates. He asked himself for the hundredth time why couldn’t Sirius respond to soft love? Why did he have to make him do tough love?

 

He placed a hand on Sirius’ arm, his heart withering when Sirius’ first instinct was to flinch. “Let’s clean this up, yeah? We can store the chocolate under your bed. You’re trying to do best by Moony and this would be the right step.”

 

Sirius slowly nodded his head.

 

———

 

“What did you do to my bed?” Remus demanded.

 

James controlled his face into one of innocence. “What do you mean?”

 

Remus frowned, sitting on his bed. “It feels different. Slightly more lumpy.” He pushed his hands down and bounced on it a few times. He hummed, shrugged his shoulders. “Nevermind.”

 

James quietly let out a breath. He had switched his own mattress with Moony’s, knowing how violated and upset Remus would be if he knew Sirius touched his bed. He even found a house elf to ask for new, clean bedding.

 

“Well, g’night,” Remus yawned, pulling his curtains shut.

 

———

 

The next morning, Sirius was woken up by Remus dropping a book on the floor. The sun had barely risen.

 

Remus hurried to pull a light brown jumper off his head, ruffling his curls. A bit of toothpaste was on the corner of his grinning mouth.

 

“Moony,” Sirius whispered.

 

Remus jerked but didn’t turn to face Sirius’ bed. 

 

“What’s your biggest insecurity?”

 

The detachment in Moony’s voice was like a slap in the face. “Don’t call me Moony.”

 

———

 

A week later, Sirius snuck into the library. He couldn’t find exactly where they were and the curses under his breath were becoming increasingly angry.

 

“…fantas…Gid…you…transfiguration…”

 

Sirius stilled, hearing what he assumed was that boyfriend-stealer’s voice. _He talks so softly, like a_ girl, Sirius sneered. What he was saying went in and out — he was too far away. Sirius took a few steps forward until he could hear more clearly.

 

“Oh, I forgot!” Boyfriend-stealer said and there was a minute of rustling. “Here, I just finished last night.”

 

———

 

Remus took the book, his fingertips brushing Lucas’. 

 

“Did you like it?”

 

“Oh my god,” Lucas dramatically leaned back until his back hit the floor. “So many thoughts!”

 

“Good ones, I hope?”

 

“Of course. I mean, it’s _Remus John Lupin’s_ favorite book, so, of course, it didn’t disappoint.”

 

———

 

Sirius froze. 

 

_He gave him his_ favorite _book?_

 

_———_

 

Remus snuggled his face into his scarf, feeling shy over how Lucas said his name as if he was a king.

 

“Frankenstein’s monster, ick.” Lucas wrinkled his nose and Remus wanted to wipe the upset off his face. “I don’t want to call him a monster. People treated him so horribly!”

 

Lucas sat up again, leaning forward. “He was just a little marshmallow that wanted to be normal! Why were they so cruel? What did he ever do to them?”

 

Lucas waggled his finger at Remus’ poor attempt at hiding his smile by biting his lip.

 

“This is serious! I’m going to need to recover for weeks after this, Rem!” Lucas exclaimed, but now it was more to make Remus smile. The more passionate he became, the more delight Remus took.

 

———

 

Sirius clenched his fists at the special giggles pouring from the stoic Moony he knew as that stupid fucking Ravenclaw droned on about finding some Shell-person and hexing her into writing a sequel.

 

He walked with hushed steps out the library, his hand curled tightly around his wand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try posting twice a week again. I meant to get this done earlier, but my sister surprise visited. 
> 
> Hope you all had a good week and taking care of yourselves as finals come closer : )


	22. Cherishing Friendships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A confession and gossiping.

“Gold,” James said and reached over two second years to grab a piece of toast.

 

Sirius came to a halt and clenched then unclenched his fists. He took a deep breath and turned on his heel, toward Prongs and away from where he was going to sit — next to Moony.

 

Warm relief spread through James as they walked farther away from the gang to an empty spot down the long table. The color system he developed for Sirius was going fantastically well. Anytime Sirius treaded into the territory of doing something that would a) make Remus or someone uncomfortable or b) being hurtful or driven in anger, James would stop him by saying red or gold.

 

Gold meant you’re toeing the line and you need to take a step back. Red meant _step back_ ** _now_** _,_ you’re completely disregarding someone’s wellbeing.

 

It was a little dysfunctional at first and sometimes it made Sirius sulk off to some corner for a few hours, but it worked and that’s what mattered.

 

———

 

Remus was becoming so comfortable that he didn’t even notice Black enter the dining hall or walk past him.

 

For awhile Black had been sporadic. First, he’d give Remus space, then he’d exhaust the hell out of him by following him around and trying to make conversation. Or offer him chocolate. Or bring up some past memory of them and the marauders doing something fun.

 

Generally, he tried to ignore it and move around Black, because he was so done with petty drama, but when Black said Remus looked cute…

 

Remus performed a stinging jinx and _langlock,_ a jinx that made Black’s tongue stuck on the roof of his mouth.

 

James happened to witness that event and Remus didn’t know what happened after, but Black became surprisingly tame. Remus didn’t understand why James was constantly blurting out colors to Black, but whatever works, works.

 

He made sure to tell James at least once a day how much he appreciated him.

 

“Remmmuuuussss!” Dorcas waved a hand in front of Remus’ face and he blinked, pulled out of his thoughts. “Welcome back to reality.”

 

Remus flicked her nose.

 

———

 

“You know,” Frank spoke up, his elbows digging into his Transfiguration textbook and Divination dream journal entry, “life’s much less fun now that girls aren’t regularly gossiping about how cute you are.”

 

Remus thoroughly ignored him, looking over his astronomy chart. He wasn’t falling for the game. He knew Frank too well to be ignorant of what he was doing.

 

Disappointed, Frank made a few marks on a scrap of paper, but not deterred, he plowed forward. “Like when that first year wanted to lick your ‘delicious’ cheek scar last winter.”

 

Remus scratched his nose. Frank huffed.

 

A slow, predatory grin bloomed on his face. Time to pull out the big guns. “BUT,” he sang. “In DADA about a week ago or so, I _did_ overhear some girl in Ravenclaw whisper to her friend that she wouldn’t mind a little werewolf- _luh_ -ove.”

 

Remus raised an eyebrow and moved to his Potions work.

 

“Werewolf-love!” Frank started in a yell and ended in a hiss as some Hufflepuff glared at him. “C’mon that one was funny! Disturbing! Unexpected!”

 

Remus dipped his quill in ink, he had written ‘lacewig’ instead of ‘lacewings’, while Frank grumbled.

 

He seemed to have found a new tactic to try and Remus internally whined. Frank now had his hands clasped, chin resting comfortably upon them. He fluttered his eyelashes with a cloying smile.

 

Remus was tempted to say _WHAT_ but he wasn’t going to bite. Nope, not falling for the bait.

 

“Remus, dear, darling, wonderfully handsome genius. You haven’t listened to the whole story.” Frank inspected his nails (he demanded Dorcas paint his black too because it was ‘goddamn badass’) and Remus slipped up as his eyes flickered to him.

 

Pleased that he had finally drawn Remus’ attention, he dropped his hand and, with a gleam in his eyes, said, “Well I wasn’t the only one who overheard, I guess you didn’t hear that I said a _Ravenclaw_ said that. Mhm, that’s right, a special someone you may know overheard, too. And he flipped out. 

 

“Well, as much as Lucas can flip out. Basically, he cooly told her off about the fetishization of werewolves and how dehumanizing it is and how disgusting and disrespectful it is and that they’re real people, not monsters or fantasies and —”

 

Remus spluttered, elbowed his ink off the table, and swore.

 

“HA! Yes!” Frank whooped, ignoring the Hufflepuff who now gazed at him in such disappointment you would think Frank stole their family heirloom. 

 

As Frank triumphantly made marks on his slip of paper, Remus calmed himself and took out his wand to clean up the spilled ink.

 

Hearing people fetishize werewolves always made Remus’ stomach flip uncomfortably, but the shame and disgust fell away over the years. It unfazed him by now, as most things said about werewolves do. There was nothing he could do about it. Arguing with someone or telling them off would draw attention to himself and people never changed their minds.

 

The thought of Lucas defending him and over that specific issue sent his blood rushing to his cheeks. He in no way understood why Lucas cared so much for him.

 

“Are you blushing? Oh, yes, I’m going to give myself at least six points for that.”

 

Remus snatched the slip of paper from across the table and studied it. There was a line split down the middle, the left side had Remus’ name and three tally marks, the right side had Frank’s name and eight and a half tally marks, excluding the six Frank was about to add.

 

“That’s not fair, you should only have five and a half points. You didn’t make me swear, it was the spilled ink that did.”

 

“Ah, yes, but if I hadn’t mentioned Lucas valiantly defending your honor, you wouldn’t have sworn because you wouldn’t have spilled your ink. But you did spill your ink and then swear, so technically I still made you swear. Three points for me!”

 

Remus sighed at Frank’s logic, but the corners of his mouth twitched. “How did I get points then? That’s new.”

 

Frank explained, in a fake exasperated tone, that Remus gets a fourth of a point whenever he fails to get a reaction. They squabbled over the point system, Remus feeling cheated over how each tally mark of his only equaling one fourth of a point while Frank argued over how gracious he was in giving Remus points in the first place. 

 

Remus was just beginning to win when the librarian shooed them out.

 

Walking up the staircases, Remus asked the question he had been wondering. 

 

“What’s going on?”

 

Frank tripped and Remus just caught him in time before he stepped on the vanishing step.

 

“Thanks.” Frank caught his breath, then chuckled. “Should’ve known you’d be able to tell. Indulging me through the whole point game, huh?”

 

Remus shrugged his shoulders and half-smiled kindly.

 

“Smartass.”

 

Frank fell silent after his insult and they drew closer to the common room. The Fat Lady waved at them with a glass of wine in hand, but Remus pulled Frank past her and around the corner. 

 

He stared at Frank, not saying anything.

 

Frank deflated. He rubbed the back of his neck and Remus tucked away the amusement at him unconsciously copying Lucas. Frank stepped closer to Remus, his head swiveled up and down the corridor to make sure they were alone, and Remus leaned his head down as Frank began whispering.

 

“I’m not supposed to talk about it and I can’t say what it is, but Dumbledore called me and — uh, others into his office to talk to us and it’s really important. More important than N.E.W.T.s, which by the way, in case Lucas hasn’t told you, seventh year sucks. So much goddamn work…”

 

Frank trailed off in a grumble and Remus nudged his toe, redirecting him away from the attempt at humor.

 

Frank harrumphed. “You’re too bloody good at this I swear. You’re not even saying anything to me and it’s like I want to pour out all my deepest darkest secrets.”

 

Remus nudged again.

 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m… not scared, you know? Honestly, I’m not.” He paused. “Damn, maybe I am. I don’t know. Of course, I’m going to do it, of course, I am! How can I — I’ll always help.” Frank looked around them again and then pulled back to mouth the words ‘you-know-who’. “Shady business, I know. Everyone read the papers over the summer and you hear some people talk. Slytherins, of course, but other houses too, but overall we just kinda ignore it, right? 

 

It’s just _this_ makes it more real,” Frank finished weakly, looking vulnerable for the first time Remus had ever seen.

 

Remus couldn't comfort him in words because he still had no idea what Dumbledore told him, but he did the best he could. He tugged Frank into a bone-crushing hug, the type that James and Fleamont gave freely. 

 

Remus had only given this type about four times in his life. 

 

Frank hugged him back just as fiercely, murmuring “I’m going to do it, I am. Everything, anything I can.”

 

Remus gave him one last squeeze and let go. He was surprised to see Frank wiping at his eyes.

 

He angrily jabbed a finger. “You can’t pull shit like that out of nowhere. Merlin’s beard, sweetcakes, first, all of those emotions! Damn I’m a freed house-elf. I am! You just gave me clothing and I’m free. Gah, I feel so much better, rejuvenated. There is youth in my bones and I’m on the top of the world!”

 

Remus snorted.

 

“And then, you hugged me? A Remus Lupin hug? From Remus Lupin, himself?” Frank threw his arms in the air. “I don’t know how I’m standing and alive. I’ve been blessed. I will never, ever be proud of anything in my life after this. Nope. I’m ruined. I have earned a Remus hug and now everything else will be boring and dreary in comparison.”

 

Remus shoved Frank and had to be the one to say the password (falcon skull) because Frank was blabbering away at ease.

 

———

 

James tore up the dormitory stairs, almost bounding like the stag he was. 

 

Lily had challenged James to a game of chess! LILY! Challenged! JAMES! To a game of chess!!!!

 

James tripped and fell on the stairs three times, but no one needed to know that (especially Lily because he was totally cool and calm and it wasn't like there were a million pixies flying in his stomach or anything).

 

He bottled that feeling and held onto it tightly as he saw Sirius sitting with the Marauder’s Map in his lap.

 

“RED! Red. Very, very much red.”

 

Sirius immediately dropped it, a flicker of shame and embarrassment in his grey eyes.

 

For good measure, James whipped out his wand and the map came zooming to him. He waved the map around as he told him they would talk about this later and then unbolted his giddiness again.

 

“But right now, I’m playing chess with Lily! Lily wants me to play chess with her, can you believe it? Lily Evans!”

 

James ran from the room to Lily so fast it was as if he apparated.

 

———

 

The next two weeks the group saw little of Frank and Lucas, which wasn’t that surprising as they were immersed in the growing workload of their final year at Hogwarts. The Girls and the Marauders had piles of homework as well, though they were thankful for no big exams this year besides the regular end-of-the-year ones.

 

It seemed fairly obvious to Remus that there was more going on with Frank and Lucas than that, but that was partly because he knew through his conversation with Frank that Dumbledore had some sort of project for them. James, Sirius, and Peter were brainstorming pranks; Lily was tutoring younger students while also taking an extra class during her free period; no one really ever knew what Dorcas (possibly lurking in the infirmary?) and Marlene (probably sneaking or snooping around) were up to.

 

Alice was the only one on Remus’ wavelength. 

 

“Suspicious, right?” Alice tilted her head toward the portrait hole.

 

Remus snorted. “Real subtle.”

 

Frank, Benjy, Fabian, Gideon, and Davey failed spectacularly at creeping out of the common room unnoticed. Remus could even see their two Hufflepuff friends and Lucas waiting outside for them once the Fat Lady swung open.

 

Remus and Alice happened to be in perfect view of Lucas and they waved at his stricken face with identical smirks before the portrait closed again.

 

Alice released a breath through her nose. “Those two Hufflepuffs are in on it too?”

 

Shrugging, Remus said, “I guess so. They hung out with us by the lake that one time, right? Caradoc and…uh, Bones, I think?”

 

Alice nodded her head absently. “Edgar Bones. I talked to him a bit. He’s nice.”

 

Remus slid out of his armchair and settled next to Alice on the floor. She leaned her head on his shoulder.

 

She didn’t say anything more and neither did he. They sat together, cherishing the comfort between them.

 

———

 

When Marlene slipped back in the common room, she snapped a photo of the Al and Rem, heads pressed together, deep in slumber.

 

———

 

“Happy Halloween!”

 

Frank, Benjy, and Gideon groaned while Marlene waved a spoon at Lucas, splashing some porridge on Lily’s cheek.

 

“I thought Ravenclaws were supposed to be smart. Halloween’s not for at least five days,” she said.

 

Lily wiped the porridge off her cheek and onto Marls’ arm. Instead of responding, Lucas politely asked Remus if he could sit in between him and James. Before Remus could be embarrassingly eager in saying yes, James pulled Lucas down. 

 

Lucas’ eyes widened in brief shock, which usually happened whenever James included him without a second thought. Remus half-hoped Lucas would always be like that because it was adorable.

 

“Lu, leave the poor victims alone from your weird obsession,” Benjy scolded.

 

Gideon smacked his head. “No, please go right ahead, mate. Tell them all about the wonder of pumpkins and whatever.” To Benjy, he whispered, “It’s called self-preservation, I am _not_ being force-fed disgusting triangle sweets this year!”

 

Lily perked up. “You mean candy corn?”

 

“Yes!” Lucas buzzed with excitement. “My mum sends me some every year!”

 

The two of them began rambling about Halloween and costumes they used to dress up in, James pleaded for Frank to explain Muggle Halloween to him, Dorcas and Alice brainstormed things they could dress up as soon as they caught onto the costume part, and Marlene interrogated Frank’s friends on all the embarrassing things Lucas had made them do past Halloweens.

 

Remus kept to himself, listening in on several conversations. He never liked this holiday much. His mother had a few cute photos of outfits she dressed him up in until he was four. But past that he didn't celebrate it much.

 

Still, Remus’ eyes crinkled with affection as he watched the way Lucas lit up like a jack-o-lantern. 

 

———

 

In between Muggle Studies and Charms, Lucas jogged down the corridor until he found Remus.

 

“Hey — ”

 

“Sorry, Rem, I can’t chat, I’m supposed to be going to Herbology.” Lucas took a second to breathe, as he was talking a mile a minute. “I forgot to ask at breakfast, but I was hoping you’d meet me down by Hagrid’s tomorrow evening?”

 

———

 

At night, when Sirius went into the bathroom, Peter and James punched on Remus.

 

“Ooooh,” they chorused.

 

“Hagrid’s hut, huh?” James winked.

 

Remus threw a pillow at him. “Piss off, James Fleamont. We hang out all the time.”

 

“But he was late to class just so he could ask you,” Peter said.

 

James nodded. “We overheard and saw the sappy smile you had this afternoon.”

 

“Nosy assholes.”

 

“Maybe he’ll ask you to be his pumpkin lover.”

 

“Pete, I don’t even want to know what you think that means.”

 

“No, no, he’s on to something! That’s why he wants you to be at Hagrid’s, he can officiate your pumpkin-lover wedding!”

 

Peter and James clung onto each other in cackles and Remus took his second pillow to hit them repeatedly.

 

“You two have officially been revoked the title of best mates!”

 

“Oooh, I’m so scared,” Peter squeaked.

 

James grabbed a fistful of Peter’s shirt. “The big bad werewolf’s going to eat us!”

 

“No,” Remus deadpanned, “I’ll just shove your wands so far up your ass not even St. Mungo’s will be able to remove it.”

 

Both of them were clutching their stomachs and Remus tried to keep a stern face — why the fuck did they always crack each other up so much by gossiping?

 

Peter had to restart what he was saying four times and it was a miracle he finally gasped out between his giggles, “I think Lucas w-would p-prefer if you sh-sh-shoved something u-up his a-a-a-ass!”

 

Tears rolled down James’ face as he shrieked in laughter.

 

Remus  made the smelliest socks in the room fly and pelt them in the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it was funny to add the detail of the password being falcon skull after Frank confessing because in Divination if you see a falcon in your tea leaves it represents a deadly enemy and if you see a skull it means danger in your path


	23. Switzerland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Lucas carve pumpkins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to post tonight but I have this hug project/final due tomorrow so this little fetus chapter is what I was able to push out with the small time I had -- I'll edit it after class tomorrow
> 
> Sirius was meant to be in the chap but oh well here's just a pile of fluff with a liberal amount of italics

Remus shuffled his feet the dirt, waiting for Lucas. He was only a few minutes late but Remus couldn’t help worrying about being forgotten.

 

He leaned against one of Hagrid’s enlarged pumpkins and spotted a speck coming towards him and fast. 

 

“Rem!”

 

Lucas sprinted down the lawn toward Remus, something cradled in his hands. Remus pushed himself up and waved shyly. 

 

As Lucas came closer he slowed to a jog. “Hello,” he breathed, taking time to gulp mouthfuls of air. “I’m sorry I’m late. I wanted to bring hot chocolate and it took me awhile to find the kitchens. Pete’s really not good with giving directions, is he?”

 

Lucas smiled, still breathing heavily, and held out one of the two mugs. He frowned as he realized it was only half-full. “Oops. I guess I spilled some when I was running.”

 

Remus, who had been caught up on Lucas’ windswept look and the implication that Lucas sought out Peter to get him hot chocolate, blinked owlishly before focusing on Lucas’ cloak.

 

He raised an amused eyebrow and waved his hand at the large brown stain near Lucas’ chest. “More like dumped it on yourself. Your cloak must have been thirsty.”

 

Remus wanted to smack himself. _Your cloak must have been thirsty?_ Lame, that was so lame. He cleared his throat and grabbed the mug, busying himself by taking a large sip of the remaining lukewarm cocoa.

 

Lucas meanwhile chugged the remains of his drink so he could set the cup down and unbutton his wet cloak. Remus catalogued that it was entirely unfair how fit the blond Ravenclaw looked in a white button-up with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows.

 

Remus set his mug on the grass. “Er, so… why are we at Hagrid’s? Not that’s it’s not nice, but…”

 

Lucas’ face lit up. “Um, well I was thinking it would be fun to carve some pumpkins together. I asked Hagrid,” he walked behind one of the swollen pumpkins and carried two smaller, regular sized ones back, “if he would mind leaving two for us.”

 

He looked at Remus with bashful vulnerability, as if he was frightened Remus would find it stupid and laugh at him.

 

“Oh,” Remus mumbled, surprised. “I’ve never carved one before.”

 

“I can show you?” It came out as more of a question than it seemed Lucas intended and Remus nodded his head, letting a crooked grin slide on his face, to offset Lucas’ nerves. “Yeah? Great! Okay, erm, come sit next to me then, sorry I didn’t think to bring a blanket. You’ll probably get some dirt or grass stains… I didn’t think about that.”

 

Remus plopped down beside him and knocked his shoulder against Lucas’, stopping him from the beginnings of a ramble. “I’m good, Lucas.”

 

He was tempted to reach up and smooth the wrinkles away from the blond’s frown.

 

“You sure? Me too — that I’m good, I mean. I’m good, too.”

 

Remus wondered if his own eyes were just as soft as Lucas’ brown ones as they held each other’s gaze for a moment.

 

“Alright, well we’re going to have to use knives, of course, and they’re very sharp so, be careful.”

 

Remus smothered his amusement. A small knick from a kitchen knife would be nothing compared to what he endured every full moon but he got the impression that Lucas would worry himself to exhaustion over the tiniest of flesh wounds.

 

———

 

"Ew." Remus curled his upper lip and unconsciously stuck out his tongue. The pumpkin guts were slimy and mushy. 

 

Lucas laughed quietly to himself.

 

“What?” Remus demanded defensively. 

 

"That's the same face you had with the sand crabs,” Lucas said, feigning innocence, but his honey eyes gleamed with mischief. 

 

Remus shivered violently at the creepy-crawly phantom sensation on his palms. "Has anyone told you how you're an awful person? Enjoying my pain," he grumbled.

 

He went back to hollowing out his pumpkin, talking under his breath in an overly high-pitched voice. “ ‘ _Rem, come catch little spiny spawns of death in the sand, it will be so fun!’ ‘Let’s scoop out pumpkin-vomit, Rem, did you hear that squelch sound it just made? So romantic…’ ”_

 

Lucas didn’t even try to act offended and just let his tumbling laughter roll out.

 

———

 

“You’re cold.”

 

“No, I’m not.”

 

“You’ve shivered four times in the last two minutes.”

 

“So have you!”

 

“I’m not shivering, I’m cringing because of the guts and don’t pretend you are too because I see how _disgustingly_ pleased this makes you.”

 

“Maybe I’m pleased because of how disgusted you are.”

 

“Argh, you’re intolerable. Here—just—take—this — uh, there. Take my jumper.”

 

“Oh… Thank you.”

 

Remus ducked his head to hide his hot cheeks, glancing out from under his fringe to see Lucas pull the light red sweater on, fluffing his hair up as it slid over his head. He looked away, missing the second after in which Lucas not-so-subtly sniffed the jumper and smiled.

 

——— 

 

Remus bit down on his tongue as he plunged the knife through the orange fruit again. He had decided on a simple face — two triangle eyes, no nose, and a wide mouth of pointy teeth — but it was proving harder than he thought. The knife was difficult to work with and kept getting stuck in the damn thing.

 

His muscles were not built for this, especially so close to the full moon. His arm muscles were for holding a single book and snuggling a pillow in bed and opening up chocolate bars…

 

Lucas, on the other hand, seemed to be in his element. Remus’ gaze constantly flickered to him, watching his focused eyes, the crease of concentration between his brow, the moments when he’d suck in his bottom lip. Remus couldn’t see what he was carving, but he guessed it was something a little more advanced than a few holes that made a face if you squinted.

 

His mediocre pumpkin face grew sloppier as he directed more of his attention to the boy who had slowly wormed his way into Remus’ life rather than the task at hand.

 

———

 

“Are you finished, yet?” Remus whined, jabbing a finger into Lucas’ thigh. 

 

Lucas glanced down at where Remus was lying on the grass, as close to him he could get without seeing what Lucas’ was carving.

 

“You know, some might think that under your thick layer of sarcasm you’d be a big softie.” Lucas’ mouth turned up in a smirk. “But you’re really just a whiny, lazy baby at heart.”

 

Remus dug his finger into Lucas’ leg again, pleased when he gave a small yelp from the tickling. 

 

“Yeah, well, you’re not fooling me either, Mr. Smiles And Sunshine,” he scoffed. “You’re really just a big poo-poo head.”

 

Lucas snorted so hard it threw him into a coughing fit. “Poo-poo head?”

 

Remus met his eyes with a challenging gleam. “The most poo-poo-y of all.”

 

Lucas flicked a piece of pumpkin guts, hitting Remus smack in the face, and the few people that were outside startled at the high shrieking coming from the Gryffindor.

 

———

 

“Tell me something.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“I don’t know, if you’re going to keep me waiting for you to finish your pumpkin sometime in this century, you might as well entertain me. A fun fact about yourself or something I don’t know.”

 

“Okay…hm, well, I have two Mums? I guess three including my birth mother.” Lucas stabbed a part of his pumpkin to pull a chuck out. “They’re actually why I realized my sexuality so young and why I’m pretty open about it.”

 

Remus sat up and crisscrossed his legs. “How so?”

 

“Well, growing up with lesbian parents, I never had the societal impression of boys only like girls and vice versa.” 

 

Remus nodded, imagining what it would be like to have grown up like that. It wasn’t until Hogwarts that he realized he was gay.

 

Lucas went on, “It was hard when the reality hit me that not everyone was accepting. I remember telling my friend about this crush I had on a boy and he actually recoiled from me — _b-but, you like_ girls _! —_ and I was like, yeah and I like boys too, so what?”

 

Remus laughed softly at the confrontational tone that leaked into the Ravenclaw’s voice and Lucas shot him a smile. He set down his knife and turned his body toward Remus, knees knocking against his.

 

“But it was more than just that, my Mums were open to anything and raised me to be the same. They’d always say to me to never close my mind off from a possibility.” Lucas’ gaze sparkled with affection and he chuckled. “You know how McGonagall came to explain to me and my parents that I was a wizard? 

 

“She asked if my parents were sure they had no relatives with magic blood or if they had an encounter with magic before because they were so calm and hardly blinked an eye at the news. There was no mind-blowing revelation of ‘magic is real’, like I was having, they just said _fantastic, would you like some tea?”_

 

Remus grinned. “That kind of explains a bit about why you didn’t freak out when you’re friend turned out to be a murderous monster.”

 

Lucas glared. “I think you mean when I discovered one of my best friends had an awful, disabling illness that he doesn’t deserve.”

 

_This boy is going to be the death of me,_ Remus thought. But he couldn't quite find it in himself to mind, not when the darkening sky cast a purplish glow on the handsome, boyish face that looked at him with fierce determination, daring him to say something self-deprecating again.

 

———

 

Remus gaped at Lucas’ pumpkin for a full thirty seconds.

 

“You’re joking me right?”

 

Lucas worried his bottom lip. “Is it alright?”

 

“Alright?” Remus asked, incredulous. “Jesus Christ.”

 

The pumpkin was much more intricate than a simple face. Remus’ pumpkin was nowhere even close to being in the same league as Lucas’. It was a highly detailed drawing of roaring lion with an eagle perched on its back. The lines were carved with such precision, Remus would have believed Lucas had actually used his wand to create if he hadn’t been with him the whole time. Unlike Remus, he didn’t cut all the way through the pumpkin but made incisions, some deeper than others.

 

Lucas had lit a small floating fire inside of it before he showed Remus and the glow pulled it off spectacularly. The deepest cuts were made on the outlines of the two House’s creatures, so they had a bright yellow-ish aura.

 

“Thank you,” Remus said, full of awe.

 

Lucas cocked his head. “For what?”

 

Remus wasn’t exactly sure himself, so he said, “For asking me to carve with you.”

 

“Oh.” Lucas’ mole disappeared. “Of course, Rem.”

 

———

 

Remus burst into the Girls’ room and threw himself onto Lily’s bed, his leg connecting with her stomach (OUCH!). His pathetic mewl was muffled by the pillow he face-planted in.

 

The Girls shared a look, each silently prodding someone else to be the first to speak. They had all silently vowed to be patient with Remus about Lucas, the last thing they wanted to do was to impose anything on him or to pressure him into something he either didn't want or wasn’t ready for.

 

After a few minutes of silence, Remus sighed and rolled onto his back, woefully staring at the ceiling. “I have a problem.”

 

Alice, Dorcas, and Marlene raised their eyebrows at Lily, quietly communicating _you’re up_ , and she narrowed her eyes. Hesitantly reaching out, she pet Remus’ curls. 

 

Playing dumb, she asked. “What’s wrong?”

 

Remus opened his mouth, shut it, opened it again. He groaned and covered his eyes with his hands. Before he could chicken out, he blurted, “I think I maybe, _possibly_ , a teeny tiny little bit have a crush on Lucas.”

 

Marlene clapped her hands. “Congratulations.”

 

She easily caught the textbook Alice aimed at her head as she hissed, “Marls!”

 

“We’ve endured months of Remus going all gooey,” Dorcas came to Marlene’s defense. “We deserve to poke a little fun!”

 

Lily discreetly pressed her lips against Remus’ forehead and squeezed his shoulder lightly.

 

“Guys, this isn’t funny,” Remus whined. “It’s serious!”

 

“What’s Sirius have to do with it?”

 

Remus flung his hand off of his face and sat up to give Marlene a withering look. She raised her hands in peace, though completely unapologetic.

 

“Alright, alright,” Alice placated and Remus groaned — Lucas asked all the damn time if he was alright or if it was alright if he did something and now he was thinking about his stupid face and that stupid mole by his mouth that was stupid and not adorable at all. 

 

“Fuck, you got it bad, don’t you?” Dorcas said at the same moment Alice asked, “What’s the big deal?”

 

Remus bolted up into sitting position.“I—Have—A—Crush—On—Lucas!” 

 

The four girls blinked at Remus.

 

“…And?”

 

“And this is _awful!”_

 

Lily rested a hand on his shoulder. “Rem, sweetheart, just take a moment to breathe. Can you do that for me?”

 

Remus wanted to argue but Lily stared him down, flaring her nostrils, and so he gulped a few mouthfuls of air. 

 

It was a strange experience for all of them; Remus was never one to be openly emotional. Even throughout all the Sirius drama over the years, he kept his mouth locked shut and maybe cried, though that was usually only if he was alone with Lily. Remus had always preferred to bottle feelings up and be brooding behind a novel or homework.

 

A thousand thoughts flew through Remus’ mind, but he began to calm as Al, Marls, and Dorky clambered onto the bed with him and Lily. It was rather cramped and several limbs jabbed into him, but he tossed away the idea of an Engorgement Charm. It was cozy.

 

Dorcas prompted, “It’s awful, because…?”

 

“Because it’s, it’s — ugh.” Remus slumped. “Did you know the other day a group of little Slytherins, second years or something, were being bullied by some older Slytherins? I think it was Mulciber and his friends, I couldn’t really see because I was across the courtyard, and Lucas happened to be walking by and he helped them! He fought off like five others on his own, which was like _wow_ , I mean you guys think I’m good at Defense?” Remus scoffed. “And then he stayed after to check on the little ones, even though it seemed like they were ungrateful. I’m pretty sure one of the boys spat at his shoe, but he just smiled and healed a cut on one of their cheeks!”

 

The Girls all melted a bit, their image of Lucas only brightening. Before they could say anything, Remus battled forward without a breath.

 

“And he reads! For fun! And he likes the book that I like. He always asks if he can borrow my books after I read them and he lets me just ramble on and on about them and he’s just as interested — debates over little parts with me, picks apart implications and small clues. 

 

“And, and — he’s amazing at Quidditch and I don’t even give a fuck about Quidditch and I still know he’s good at it and I’m angry because now I _do_ give a fuck about Quidditch which is annoying and stupid because it’s just a bunch of flying balls and aggression and is all based on how long it takes to find this stupid flying ball of corn —”

 

Lily and Alice smack Dorcas and Marlene’s heads, shushing their snickering. Remus paid no mind, blabbering and flustering away.

 

“—and you should have seen his pumpkin! It was so pretty because you know, of course, he is an artist and of course anything he does is pretty, as if he’s not already interesting or cool enough. And you know what else?”

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah, tell us, Rem!”

 

“He asks me if I’m alright, all the time! All the time. When he first sees me he asks and before he does tiny things, like just sitting next to me or moving closer to me or if it’s alright to see me at dinner — he, the first time he called me his friend he asked me _if it was alright_! And he’s so sincere and earnest when he says it and I just want to punch him sometimes, you know? Because it’s too sweet, how is anyone that considerate? It’s unfair, it makes my chest do this weird thumping thing and that’s another thing! My chest does this weird,” Remus gestured to above his ribs, wringing his hands in a frantic gesture, “bumpy twisty and it makes me forget to breathe for a second!”

 

“Darling, that’s your heart skipping a beat,” Alice spoke delicately. “It happens to me with Frank, too.”

 

“Great,” Remus deadpanned. “Si-Black burned my heart to ashes ages ago and now suddenly it’s back and alive?”

 

“Technically it’s not really back since you’ve obviously given it to Lucas,” Marlene commented. “Ow! Easy with your elbows Al. I’m just joking, Remus has his own heart and it beats regardless of Lucas or not.”

 

Alice patted Marls’ head. “That’s right.”

 

“And this isn’t a distraction from Black or a rebound?” Lily asked, neutral and not judgmental because it was a good question. Remus was right, this was a serious matter and she needed to make sure that he was sure of himself and his feelings. 

 

Remus looked aghast. “No, no of course not. No. I mean, I forget all about Black when I’m with him, but it’s not a distraction. I forget about everything.

 

“I’m happy and content on my own, it’s just when I’m with Lucas… I feel lighter and warm and,” Remus ducked his head and mumbled, “like I’m important.”

 

“Alright, so Lucas is a stellar human being and make Remus a big softie, but I still don’t see why this is awful,” Dorcas pointed out, not joking anymore, just gentle and curious.

 

Remus fell backward, ignoring Lily’s cry of pain as head smacked into her shoulder, because sometimes Remus liked to be dramatic. 

 

“Because I can’t keep looking at his stupid handsome face and his stupid eyes that look like honey and my favorite chocolate and are stupid because whenever I stare into them I forget everything and his stupid blond hair has grown a tiny bit and sticks up in adorable clumps in the morning and he’s stupidly lean and slightly muscular and fit and pretty and it’s, it’s _stupid_.”

 

“…so, ask him out?”

 

Remus snorted.

 

“Rem, he’s just as stupid over you.”

 

“Honestly, you should see the way he looks at you, it makes my teeth rot just thinking about it.”

 

“Have you really not noticed that he only gets flustered around you? I’ve seen him literally not be able to strewn sentences around you and it’s painful to listen to him just word-vomit into rambles.”

 

Dorcas flicked Remus’ nose hard instead of adding to the discussion.

 

“You guys are terrible at this,” he sighed.

 

Lily huffed. “Oh, really? And what are we supposed to do?”

 

“I don’t know, slap me a few times or stun me. Send me to Switzerland and tell people I died.”

 

“Switzerland?”

 

“Yeah,” Remus sighs again, thoughtful. “I’ve heard they’ve got good chocolate.”

 

The Girls rolled their eyes together.

 

“Well… how about I go get some chocolate from the kitchens and we can just have a girls night and relax? No more boy talk or existential crises?”

 

Remus hummed in agreement. “No more existential crises would be a good idea.”

 

———

 

While the Girls and Remus were building a blanket fort and bickering over what was worse, death by the giant squid or being mauled by a bear, Frank ran into Lucas.

 

Lucas had run into Professor McGonagall and stopped to chat with her, which ended up being a forty minute conversation, so he’d never had a chance to go to his dormitory after being with Remus.

 

“Man,” Frank said, “that is one _ugly_ pumpkin. Is that supposed to be a face?”

 

He raised his eyebrows and Lucas instinctively curled his arms tighter around the pumpkin, cradling it protectively, as if he thought Frank would steal it.

 

“Remus made it and he said I could have it.”

 

Frank observed the stupid smile on Lucas’ face as he looked at the pumpkin tenderly. 

 

“Hey… is that Rem-boy’s jumper?”

 

_“Shut up.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ordered food from a restaurant called Moonstruck last night and I'm so tempted to write a one-shot now


	24. What Happened to Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius' November nightmares. Marlene drops some truth bombs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's purely on Sirius because I've been upset with how little I've been going into his mind and explaining what he's going through. 
> 
> TW for PTSD; he has traumatic nightmares but they aren't described in depth. There's also a reference to him saying a racist comment in the past but it doesn't include what he said.

“MUM!”

 

Sirius hunched over his bed, sweat dripping from his face and chest. Despite the warm room, he shivered uncontrollably.

 

“S-Sirius?”

 

Sirius snarled, squeezing his eyes shut and clasping his hands over his head.

 

“I just, er, you…screamed Mum and… are you having one of your… nightmares?”

 

A muscle cricked in Sirius’ neck as it snapped up to face Peter, who shuffled awkwardly beside his bed, face pale and eyes blown wide in concern.

 

“No, I didn’t.”

 

“Yes, you, er, you screa— ”

 

“No,” Sirius growled, throwing his blankets off. He stood up so fast and so close to Peter that their chest brushed. “I didn’t.”

 

“Pad—”

 

“I DIDN’T!” Sirius pressed his hands over Peter’s heart, feeling it’s wild beat, and shoved him. “You don’t know what you’re talking about! SHUT UP! She’s not my Mum — I don’t have a mother! I didn’t say that! SHUT UP SHUT UP!”

 

Though Peter scrambled away, Sirius stalked him with every shout and shoved him repeatedly, quickly passing Remus’ empty bed and nearing James’. Peter tripped over a textbook and fell on his ass. He raised his hands above his head in protection and whimpered.

 

The wind knocked out of Sirius at the sight. 

 

“I…” He took a step back. “I…”

 

James sat up in his bed. “W’as go’in on?”

 

Sirius stumbled back in effort to see James walk in sleepy zig-zag toward them, his eyes not open enough to realize the situation.

 

“I… I…I…”

 

Sirius changed into Padfoot and charged down the stairs. 

 

He needed to be alone, he needed to not think, he needed to be in the Forbidden Forest.

 

———

 

“Sirius, wake up. Wake up, mate. Everything’s okay.”

 

A gentle hand held Sirius from sitting up as he awoke.

 

“Wha — I — Pro —?” Sirius’ gasps became deeper and deeper, barely dragging in any air.

 

“Woah, woah, breathe for me,” James murmured. He opened the covers and slid in. Rubbing circles on Sirius’ back, he calmly spoke in hushed tones. “Everything’s okay. I’m here. It’s me, your brother, and I’m right here. You’re safe, you’re at Hogwarts, and you’re safe. That’s it, just keep breathing. You don’t have to say anything, just let me be here.”

 

Sirius’ breathing calmed, but then picked back up again as he choked on a few sobs. Snot dripped from his nose and reminded him how much he hated crying, how it was ingrained into him to never cry, and it only made the tears come faster.

 

———

 

This time Sirius didn’t make any sounds to indicate he was having bad dreams. During the dream, he couldn’t move and even once he realized it was a dream he couldn’t make himself wake up. 

 

He lied in the dream, blow after blow, yell after yell, and just kept thinking _this is a dream this is a dream this isn’t real._ He could feel himself in real life, could feel himself lying in bed, but he still couldn’t wake himself up. Body just as paralyzed as it was in the dream.

 

Finally, his mind released him right before a jet of black hit square in the middle of his chest. He quickly moved to throw his covers off, obsessively checking his body to make sure there weren’t any bruises or blood or weird goo leaking out of him. 

 

Once it was all clear he slumped, dragging in ragged breaths. He turned to his left. As most nights when he has nightmares, Moony’s curtains weren’t drawn and his bed was vacant. Over it, he could see James sprawled out in odd angles in his own bed. Sirius shifted his head to the other side of the room.

 

Peter’s back was toward him, but he wasn’t snoring.

 

After five and a bit years of living together, the marauders knew more than enough about each other. Including when one of them was fake sleeping.

 

Sirius didn’t say anything. Didn’t state the obvious. Make some jabbing remark. Ask where Peter’s compassion was. 

 

He sat there, heart still racing, gazing at the rounded, slightly shaking, back of who had considered to be a best mate.

 

He wondered if that was still true, how long had it been if it wasn’t, and what happened.

 

What happened with Peter? What happened with the marauders?

 

_———_

 

This time Moony _was_ there. 

 

Sirius was more disappointed than upset with his dream. It had been a week since his last one and he thought he was doing better. At least this one was hardly a bad one, it was just a confusing mix of him and Regulus arguing while stressful music blared around them.

 

“… yeah, no… I’m alright…Me and Petey…I love you…”

 

Sirius squinted his eyes in the dark, tilting his head to the right so he could better hear Moony and Prongs talking. 

 

James’ voice was easier to hear, lacking the ability to effectively whisper. “Alright, thanks for waking me. Be safe, yeah? Make sure Wormy eats an extra treacle tart for me. I love you too, moon of my heart.”

 

There was a sound next that Sirius thought was Moony laughing but he wasn’t sure. The thought of it dripped warmly in Sirius’ body and made him realize how cold he actually was.

 

Footsteps, a muffled pair and a heavier thumping set, drifted away from the room and towards the stairs. 

 

Sirius yanked his curtains back. “They left?”

 

James jumped and clutched his heart. “Merlin’s beard, Pads! Fuck, warn a guy next time, would you?”

 

Prongs’ cheery voice heated Sirius up as well, but in a different way. It made him feel protected, but it didn’t distract him. It didn’t throw out all his thoughts like Moony’s used to.

 

“Why… why did they leave? He leave?”

 

James didn’t answer immediately. He climbed into Sirius’ bed and positioned himself comfortable until his back was resting against the headboard.

 

“He woke me to tell me you were having nightmares, Pads. It was unnecessarily kind of him.”

 

“But — ”

 

“Sirius,” James chided without anger or exasperation. “Gold. No more questions. We don’t want a code red.” He smiled at Sirius and wrapped an arm around him, hugging him tightly. “Now, do you want to talk about your dream?”

 

———

 

Two screams woke up James and Peter in the early hours of the morning.

 

First, “MOONY!”

 

And the second was just a high-pitched garbled shriek.

 

The two boys sprang out of their bed, assuming the worst. Peter wanted to be at Remus’ side but he was closest to Sirius’ bed. James wanted to be at Sirius’ side, only because he was stronger than Pete and would be able to hold him back easier as well as he was the one Sirius was most likely to listen to.

 

They faltered in confusion as they saw Sirius and Remus both in their separate beds. 

 

Remus had his sheets clutched tightly around him, chest heaving, while Sirius was folded in over himself, forehead touching the mattress, and had his hands clutching his head in the classic post-nightmare mode.

 

Peter and James shared a collective sigh of relief. Remus rubbed his face, barely conscious, and seemed to have forgotten that he screamed and what it was in response to. James gently shook his shoulder.

 

“Moony, let’s get you out of here. We gotta be quick. You can go right over to the girls’ dorm or Pete can take you to the kitchens.” James talked fast, glancing at Sirius throughout his pleas. 

 

But Moony was always groggy when awoken. He needed at least five minutes before his brain was semi-coherent and he could move on his own.

 

Peter abandoned his post by Sirius and scurried over to Remus. Remus blinked at the two of them, mouth slightly open and eyes fluttering shut every few seconds.

 

“Moony, moony, moony.”

 

James countered Sirius soft chant with, “Shitshitshitshit.”

 

Peter fanned his face in panic, not knowing what to do. “Uh, uh, the, oh! The library is burning! Moony the library is burning, all those books!”

 

Remus’ eyes snapped open and neurons in his brain fired like crazy. “It’s burning?!”

 

James high-fived Peter over Remus’ bed.

 

“Remus time to get up, you gotta go.”

 

“But… the library is burning?”

 

“No, it’s not, it’s, er complicated, but you need to get out now, Sirius is having a bad —”

 

“MOONY!”

 

Peter and James looked up in horror. Remus scrambled out of his bed.

 

Sirius’ eyes were more black than gray. “Moony, come here.”

 

Peter stepped in front of Sirius’ bed, drawing his full height. “Go back to sleep, Sirius!”

 

“No, Moony takes care of me after nightmares. Moony always takes care of me after nightmares and I take care of him. He always takes care of me!”

 

Sirius ranted on, but thankfully his attention was directed at shouting at Peter.

 

James, in his panic, started pulling off his shirt and pajama pants to give to Remus, who was in nothing but his boxers. 

 

“Jamie, I’m just gonna — I’m going, I’m fine. Keep your clothes, the girls don’t care and I have a set of robes there.”

 

Their short exchange pulled Sirius out of his reverie and he started to get up as eyes connect with Remus. Peter’s hard shove gave Remus enough time to leave the room.

 

James shakily performed _Silencio_ Sirius, feeling guilty, but knowing it was for the best. If Sirius really went at it, the whole Gryffindor house would hear him and know the complicated history between Sirius and Remus.

 

“You can go if you want,” he assured Peter.

 

Peter stared at Sirius rocking, knowing that Sirius wouldn’t appreciate him much if he stayed, but he told his bespectacled best mate, “No, I’m staying with you.”

 

———

 

If you asked Sirius what happened, he wouldn’t know what to say. Most people who crossed Marlene were more than familiar with that bewilderment.

 

One moment he was walking off the Quidditch field after a grueling practice (they beat Slytherin only by two points the first week of November and even though their next match wasn’t until March, their captain worked them four nights a week until the sun had gone far down) and the next thing he knew was in an abandoned classroom.

 

Sirius wasn’t afraid of anything, he was a _man_ , and even if he ever was scared he would never show it. 

 

But there was something about Marlene that got under everyone’s skin, made them itch as if they didn’t belong in their own body. She let you squirm uncomfortably as her eyes raked over you, looked through you. A large amount of students believed she had x-ray vision and could read minds. 

 

Sirius’ mind whirled through all the spells he knew he could use to defend and attack. There was bad blood between him and Marlene.

 

In third year, he winked at her and flippantly said a suggestive comment to which she kicked him, with far more force than he thought was necessary, between the legs. 

 

In fourth year, he made a joke about the dark color of her skin, which he fully realized the second it left his mouth that it wasn’t appropriate. That didn’t stop Remus from giving him a two-week long cold shoulder, a first, nor did it stop that gang of girls from pranking him in retaliation. Overnight they had enlarged his ears to be the same size of his head. Lily sweetly told him over breakfast that maybe now he could actually hear the bullshit that left his mouth.

 

Fifth year required one word: Remus. Marlene frequently visited the boys’ dorm to cut holes in Sirius’ robes and other harmless, annoying antics. Then there was the armchair hex and asshole, slapping prank.

 

“You need to get your shit together.”

 

“What?” Sirius clutched the wand in his pocket, all his muscles tense and stance ready to strike.

 

Marlene sat on a desk, body completely relaxed, her wand nowhere in sight. 

 

“Get. Your. Shit. Together.” She snapped her fingers at him. 

 

Dumbly, he repeated, “What?”

 

“Remus, this wonderful boy, I don’t know if you’ve heard of him, came into the girls’ room last night upset. Now,” she stood up, “we don’t mind him sleeping over, we love it in fact, because he’s such a joy to be around — no sarcasm at all. But what _I_ don’t love is when he comes to us, not by his own choice, but because it’s the only choice that was given to him. And I really don’t like him being upset either.”

 

She walked two steps toward him and stopped. Their were several desks between them, but it was a threat, a warning.

 

Sirius clenched his fists and imitated her mocking tone, “I don’t know if you know, but not everything’s about Remus. I have my own shit separate from him.”

 

An unsettling smile crossed her face. “Exactly! I’m glad we agree on that, bravo by the way. B _ut,”_ she dragged out the end. “But, but, but.” She pointed a finger at him. “You still don’t seem to get that.”

 

Sirius growled as he demanded, “What?”

 

Marlene paused. She moved to a desk closer to him and sat on top of it. Her posture relaxed a bit. “Look, I don’t know what happened to you over the summer — _put your wand back down before I make you regret it! —_ and I’m not here to talk about that, really, or ask any questions. I’m not making any assumptions here besides the obvious fact that some shit happened that’s hard to deal with, okay?” She raised her hands, palms open and empty. “You’re right, you have shit separate from our Remus.”

 

Sirius forgot to breathe for a moment after she said ‘our’ because he knew that word didn’t include him. ‘Our’ meant her and those other three girls. Not his Remus. Theirs.

 

“You don’t understand that, though. You keep pulling him into it, centering your problems around him, fighting everyone, including yourself, that he is the solution. I can see you’re even thinking it now.”

 

Sirius’ head reeled back. Maybe she could read minds.

 

“You need to deal with your shit. You need to get it together,” Marlene instructed. “You’re fucking extremes. It gives _me_ whiplash just being around it. I don’t even know how you pull it off! One moment you’re spewing out homophobic hate and shitting all over Remus and the next you’ve fully accepted your gayness and you’re madly in love with him? Nu-uh.” She shook her head. “Life doesn’t work that way. You have so much shit to deal with, you have shit on your shit and even more shit on top of that. There are so many fucking layers in you, it makes me cringe thinkin’ about it.”

 

“Fuck you,” he spat. “Go to hell.”

 

Marlene snorted. “No to the first and gladly to the second. Anyway, back to my brilliant perception. You can’t just flip to the opposite of how you were. You are still internalizing homophobia. You still aren’t in love with Remus — no, don’t you dare say anything on that. You’re not magically, pardon the pun, better and unaffected by whatever shit happened. You need to deal with that or else it’s going to become harder and harder until you explode.

 

“Now, Potter is too soft on you. It’s true. You’re fucking lucky as fuck to have him. But you need someone to smack some sense into you. This Remus infatuation? Needs to stop. It’s a distraction and a dysfunctional coping mechanism and it’s wrong and you need to stop, _right now._ Deal with your own shit. Leave him out of it. Figure yourself out on your own.”

 

Marlene gracefully slipped off the desk and waved her wand at the door, a small clicking following the movement. Sirius hadn’t even realized she had locked the door in the first place.

 

Pocketing her wand, her gaze went calculating once again as she looked him over.

 

“You know how Remus got better?” She didn’t pause for him to answer. “He did everything on his own. He focused on himself. He learned how to be independent and happy. Without you. 

 

And then he built himself up from there.”

 

Sirius slumped against the wall. This whole conversation was an overload of information and it hurt like a bitch. 

 

Marlene opened the door with a flick of her wand and talked without turning around. “No need to thank me. I’m looking out for Remus, not you. Potter is your support system. It’s damn good, life-saving advice, though. Just stay the fuck away from Remus and I’ll keep my wand to myself.”

 

———

 

Sirius was surprised to hear Moony sneak in the dorm that night. 

 

This time, he stared at the back of who he had once considered not only his best mate, but his lover.

 

The same questions of _what happened?_ dominated his mind but now he easily saw that the question of what happened to them had little to do with Remus and more to do with: 

 

_What happened to me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably won't be able to post until after Wednesday because I have 4 fiction pieces left for my final that I haven't worked on... 
> 
> I hope people were alright that this was Sirius-centric, I just felt like it needed to go more into why he suddenly flipped. In my mind he's someone who has more of a delayed PTSD reaction because he tends to push things away and believe he's invincible. I hope I portrayed it alright and if anyone found it offensive, let me know! I have PTSD and I usually have dreams like Sirius does, though I'm not violent after, but it's different for everyone. For example, Remus responded to trauma by dissociating and spiraling into depression rather than dreams.
> 
> Anyway, I hope everyone's well and thanks for reading!


	25. Mistletoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius wonders about a mysterious letter Remus received at midnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I've taken long to update. I actually had three separate days set aside for writing but each time I had huge unrelated bad triggers that I wasn't able to come back from. But Christmas is thankfully over and most stressful family things have gone down so I should be better. This is a pretty short chapter but I would rather have something posted then have tried to make this longer and be triggered and unable to post for another few days.   
> If things go to plan I should post within the next three days with a longer chapter.   
> Sorry again : )

Remus was half-conscious. If he wanted, he could probably wake up fully, but the moon exhausted the hell out of him. 

 

Ever since Sirius wasn’t allowed to come to the shrieking shack, the other three marauders stopped gallivanting off in the forbidden forest and instead remained locked in the shack. It just wasn’t safe — Prongs was the most capable one of keeping Moony in check, with his antlers and big stature, but Padfoot was a great support in helping to herd the werewolf or distract him. They decided it was best to stay homebound for the transformations. 

 

However, last month’s moon ended with disastrous injuries. The wolf grew frustrated with the confined space and ran into the door repeatedly, effectively cracking three ribs. Remus had blocked the whole memory out of his head, still very upset that he had to miss two days of classes for recovery

 

This moon, after much consideration, James, Peter, and Remus had settled on the idea of letting Moony roam in the forest, as long as James was very careful in monitoring the werewolf. It was a risk, one that terrified Remus, but it turned out to be great. The only accident that happened was when Moony’s paw got cut up by some sharp rocks. 

 

The wolf was sated with all the fresh air and space to run. 

 

There was also something special and sacred in running in animal form with his best mates as a pack. There three of them felt connected as if they were one, and Remus and Peter knew if they were in human form James would have cried at least twice over the ethereal experience.

 

Now, though, Remus lied in the infirmary, not hurting besides the ache in his muscles from the exercise. A random assortment of friends gathered around his bedside, chatting while he listened in a content half-asleep state.

 

“What’s that?”

 

“This beauty is what I call the _swearwolf_ journal. Petey and Sir— er, Petey and I have written down every delirious curse little Remus here has said since second year.”

 

“Oh my god,” Lily laughed. “Swearwolf? You’re so stupid.”

 

A lazy smile crossed Remus’ face, not that anyone noticed. He knew Lily like the back of his hand and there wasn’t a trace of malice in her voice. It was warm and affectionate.

 

He didn’t need to open his eyes to know she was touching him in some way (hand lingering on James’ shoulder). 

 

Remus slowly slipped back into sleep as Dorcas, Frank, Peter, Lily, and Alice laughed over the swears James read from the journal. He wished that the little boy he was in first year, who sat in bed after every full moon, lonely and depressed, could see how loved and happy he was right now.

 

———

 

When Lucas visited, Remus was knocked out, a little drool escaping his mouth and snoring lightly. He left a chocolate bar, one of the two Remus had recommended to him several months ago — the first time they had spoken to each other. 

 

———

 

Sirius was trying his best. He figured that focusing on himself could be achieved by physically being alone and for the past two weeks he meandered around the castle, hiding from others. 

 

It wasn’t working well, not that he’d admit that.

 

At first, he’d feel fine but a gnawing sensation would grow in his throat, loneliness infesting his heart like mistletoe on a tree. Since coming to Hogwarts, he’d always craved attention and developed extroverted tendencies. He didn’t like being alone, didn’t see the point to it. What was the point of living if you weren’t surrounded by others? How are you supposed to have fun? 

 

Then boredom came, which lead to him obsessing over everything that was wrong in his life. Sirius flung the depression that followed those thoughts away by finding someone to blame for all his troubles. Anger — now that was something that he could handle. It was like a warm friend.

 

But the purpose of focusing on himself was to get past that anger.

 

He didn’t have any other ideas on how to try and better himself, so he stuck to this vicious, helpless cycle.

 

———

 

Sirius curled up in bed, fighting off waves of sleep. He was scared of having more nightmares, which he also would not admit. 

 

A few hours into his fitful dozing, Remus crept into the room after Poppy released him from the infirmary. 

 

Sirius knew he shouldn’t, but he peeked through a gap in his curtains, watching Remus trudge through the room. He wasn’t limping or making any pained faces; Sirius figured the full moon must have gone well. He clenched his teeth and tried to not focus on the resentment of not being able to attend full moons anymore. He had loved the dangerous thrill of playing in the forest more than any of the marauders.

 

A loud pecking noise nearly gave Sirius away but he caught himself just before falling off the bed in surprise. 

 

Remus disappeared out of view from the small slip Sirius could see and he debated the consequences of pulling the curtains open wider. There was a small creaking and Sirius felt the whoosh of cold air enter the room. 

 

“Hello there,” he heard Remus coo. The responding hoot wiped away any confusion over who Remus was speaking with.

 

“Is this for me? Thank you.”

 

Sirius strained his ears, listening for any small noises. There was a creak as the window was shut and then the soft noise of feet padding, bring Remus back into view.

 

Sirius watched as Remus sat on his bed and gingerly opened the letter. Several emotions crossed Remus’ and fast, but it was too quick to differentiate one before the next was there. After several minutes of green eyes scanning the message over and over, Remus folded up the parchment and quietly tore it up in pieces. 

 

“Are…you alright?” Sirius asked.

 

“No — Yes! Yes, yes, I’m al…” Remus trailed off. A full minute later he finished his thought. “right…Yes, alright…”

 

Sirius lied back down, more disturbed that Remus responded at all and that he hadn’t snapped or ignored him.

 

Staying awake was no longer a problem, his mind running in circles over who could have written Remus a letter and what on earth did the message say to spook him this much?

 

———

 

“Okay, everybody have their secret santees?” 

 

Everyone nodded, their slips of paper tucked safely away from prying eyes (Fabian).

 

Marlene scanned the compartment, giving everyone a hard look. “And no spoiling the surprises! Keep it to yourself and absolutely no asking for help on what to get.”

 

Remus and the Girls rolled their eyes, but the rest of the group swallowed thickly, not immune to her glares.

 

They were about twenty minutes away from Platform 9 and 3/4, abroad the Hogwarts Express for winter holidays. Over the past weeks, the friendships between the Girls, the marauders (minus Sirius), and Frank’s friends had solidified. It was a laid-back amiable friendship that everyone more than enjoyed. 

 

Instead of being in a few separate compartments, which would have been more comfortable, they all decided to compile into one. 

 

The right bench held Alice, Davey, Lily, and Gideon. Marlene sat on Al’s lap and Caradoc sat on Fabian. Frank, James, and Peter crammed onto the left one, with Dorcas lying across their laps. Benjy and Edgar Bones sat on the ground, leaning against the sliding doors and against the other wall, under the window, was Lucas and Remus. The Trolly lady tutted at them when she passed by.

 

“We’ll still talk on the phone, right?”

 

The breath of Lucas’ question brushed Remus’ ear.

 

“Of course,” he promised, face tingling. “And the New Year party is in a week, so I’ll see you then.”

 

“Good.” Lucas smiled and rested his head on Remus’ shoulder.

 

Remus stilled, irrational thoughts running through his head. What if Lucas thought his shoulders were too bony and uncomfortable? What if Remus moved too much? What if he could hear how fast his heart is beating?

 

_Damn heartbeat,_ he thought, _get yourself under control._

 

A quiet cough grabbed Remus’ attention and he looked up to see James staring at him. He mouthed “relax” and grinned. Remus slyly shifted his hand to flip James the bird, but his nerves were more subdued. There wasn’t a situation where James couldn’t help to ease discomfort.

 

Lucas sighed in content and Remus slowly lowered his head to rest on top of the dark blond hair, sighing as well.

 

———

 

The Hogwarts Express ran a bit late, so there wasn’t much time for a lingering goodbye between the group. Most just sped off with a loud _bye!_ thrown over their shoulders as they made their way to their parents and siblings.

 

James and Lily stayed behind to give Remus a hug but he sprinted away after kissing Lucas on the cheek.

 

“Are you crying, Potter?”

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” James sniffed, rubbing his eyes. “That was the cutest thing I’ve seen all year, hands down.”

 

Lily bumped her shoulder into his. “You’re such a sap.”

 

“So what?”

 

Lily smiled up at the challenging tilt of his jaw. “I never said I didn’t like it,” she divulged and then as an afterthought, “Well, this time at least.”

 

———

 

“You okay, love? You seem quieter than usual.”

 

Hope Lupin squeezed Remus’ hand.

 

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I’m just tired. Post-moon and all.” 

 

He shrugged his shoulders. The truth was his mind lingered on the letter from a few days ago and the meeting with Dumbledore the following afternoon. 

 

He had been terrified that Dumbledore had found out about James and Peter’s illegal Animagus forms and had seen them in the Forbidden Forest. Thankfully, Dumbledore remained oblivious to their adventures, though the reason he called Remus in was not _entirely_ unrelated. 

 

He had left the Headmaster’s office no longer scared (of expulsion), but with a new fear that he was frantically trying to push away. He wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about their discussion and even if he could, he didn’t think he would. 

 

They would all be furious.

 

“You two ready?” Lyall inquired.

 

“Ready, darling,” Hope responded, holding tightly onto her husband’s forearm.

 

Remus tightened his hand around his mother’s, preparing himself for the nauseating feeling of Side-Along Apparition.

 

“Ready,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if everyone knows this but mistletoe is a parasite when growing on branches of trees. It doesn't always kill them but weakens them, at least from my knowledge. So, fun fact about the romantic holiday plant.
> 
> I wish everyone an emotionally healthy holiday season, take care of yourselves!


	26. To Love And Appreciate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas/New Year's Eve Party

 

“Merry Belated Christmas!”

 

Remus chuckled and leaned forward to kiss Lily on both cheeks. “Happy New Year's Eve, Lils. That’s a stunning dress. It really brings out your eyes. I’m sure Jamie would agree, right Jamie?

 

James snapped his jaw shut and slowly nodded his head. “Y-yeah, ni-nice,” he stuttered.

 

Lily made a show of rolling her eyes but she was secretly pleased. Sev had always been quick to compliment her, too, but it always made her uncomfortable. With Potter, she felt less like an object. She was pretty positive that he’d be looking at her with adoration if she was wearing a giant trash bag.

 

“Remus!” Dorcas squealed, running over to throw herself into his arms. “Finally, you two slowpokes are here.”

 

———

 

They decided to have their low-key party at a magical household so any accident could be easily cleaned up later by parents with wands. Frank offered his home up since his mother were spending the night at a friend’s party. Remus was guilty of being relieved of Augusta Longbottom’s absence — he was not afraid to admit that she scared him quite a bit.

 

The group huddled in a large circle with a large pile of presents stacked in the middle. One by one, each of them went forward, found the package with their name on it and opened their gift. They had to correctly guess who was their Secret Santa with no other hint than the gift. Once the Secret Santa was revealed, it was then their turn to scavenge through the package pile.

 

Remus tried to pay attention — he really did. He knew that Lily went first and Frank gifted her with a bracelet that vibrated when unwanted attention came her way and if she pressed a finger to it, it would throw out a colorful range of jinxes at whoever was irritating her. Remus knew Benjy was Dorcas’ Secret Santa, but he didn’t remember what he bought her. He wasn’t sure but he thought Peter had cried over whatever someone gave him. 

 

Beyond that, Remus had no idea what was happening. All he could focus on was the way the floating candles cast soft hues of yellow, orange light across Lucas’ features. Playful dark shadows danced across his face, but there wasn’t a sharp angle to him.

 

Remus couldn’t look away and he felt the Girls smirking but he couldn’t even tear his eyes away long enough to glare at them.

 

———

 

Remus had spent past December 31sts with his parents and his mind always tended to fall into dark holes of relief that the year was over and wary apprehension for the new year. Sirius had always been sporadic over the holidays when he lived with his parents and he sent Remus through whiplashes of extreme affection followed by excruciating coldness. 

 

He usually went to sleep early, feeling wrong for not being happy for the New Year and selfish for wishing for a better life.

 

———

 

“Little Pee, Large Poop, you’re up!” 

 

Frank’s friends howled out other nicknames — _Luscious Pretty Lovely Pest, Lazy Pumpkin Licking Porcupines, Lacking Proper Leech Poo-poo_ — much to everyone’s confusion except Remus, who honestly half-wished that he didn’t understand.

 

Lucas stuck his tongue out at the boys and meandered to the pile of presents. He bent down, sifting through until he found a rather large blue and purple striped wrapping-papered box with his name stamped on it. 

 

Patiently, he walked back to his gap in the circle and sat down to delicately unwrap the present.

 

“Holy shit,” Lucas cursed softly and then looked up, covering his mouth. “Sorry.”

 

Remus had heard Lucas swear once, _maybe_ twice, and it sounded ridiculous coming from his mouth, falling out awkwardly. Remus attempted to cover his own mouth to stop the giggling chuckles from coming through. Not that it mattered, since the rest of the room was already laughing.

 

“Oi!” Lucas narrowed his eyes at them. The fond smile contradicted the fake anger, however.

 

At Alice’s request, he lifted the box to show off a few bottles of paint and some paint brushes. Lucas handed out guesses, Edgar and then Gid. Both nopes. Alice? No. He looked hopefully at Remus and Remus just shook his head, slightly disappointed himself because that was a brilliant gift.

 

“Lil — ” Lucas looked hesitant as he asked, “— ly?”

 

Lily waved her hand, more bashful than Remus had seen her in awhile.

 

“I don’t know if the paint is any good and I have no knowledge on magical painting so it definitely won’t move if you make portraits unless there’s a spell for that,” she rambled, “but I’ve heard you’re quite the artist and I thought you’d enjoy?”

 

Lucas scrambled up and over the five people until he could give her a warm hug and whisper thank you. When he pulled back, Lily’s cheeks were tinged pink from how gracious and sincere Lucas was, which Remus could very much relate to on a daily basis. 

 

As Lucas settled back into his spot next to Gid, he locked gazes with Remus. There was a smugness in his smile in knowing Remus had talked to Lily about him being an artist, but for the most part, it was a dazed wonder. 

 

———

 

Remus didn’t know Davey Gudgeon well, but he knew that the freckled latino opted to read books when Frank’s friends got rowdy (and also yielded the book as a weapon for smacking the idiots). From what Remus had subconsciously observed, he seemed interested in Muggle books.

 

Remus had crossed his fingers and hoped that Davey’d at least get some enjoyment from the present he wrapped. He had asked his mother if he could have one of her old philosophy books from university and she had gladly given him her two favorites.

 

“What is this?” Davey asked as he opened the present.

 

Remus bit down on his tongue to prevent himself from explaining. Davey appeared to be in another world, flipping through the pages, pausing to read a section here and there, and completely despondent to others.

 

Remus’ nerves were breeding like rabbits.

 

Finally, the hazel eyes snapped up and a lazy smile graced his face. Davey scanned the room, tapping a finger to his chin. When he came to Remus, his smile grew crooked, revealing a gap between his two front teeth that Remus hadn’t noticed before, just a little less prominent than Dorcas’ gap.

 

“Thanks,” he said and tipped his head.

 

Remus tipped his head in return, smiling.

 

———

 

“Jamie,” Remus said the moment he opened his present.

 

“What!” James spluttered. “How did you know? You knew too fast!”

 

“No one else would give me,” Remus paused and picked up the gift so everyone could see, “a friendship bracelet of colored beads that spells out _you are wonderful and great._ ”

 

James abandoned his scandalous surprise and propelled forward in excitement. “I made it myself! And I had Dad charm it, since I can’t use magic outside of school, so every hour the message changes to a new compliment!”

 

Fab, Gid, and Frank _aww_ -ed. 

 

Remus was going to give James a hug but James beat him to it, moving across the room and throwing himself into Remus’ arms.

 

Remus fell back with an oof and had the wind knocked out of him from the force of the hug. In gasping voice, he told James he loved it.

 

“Really?” James asked, staring at him with wide puppy-dog eyes.

 

He pulled himself off and Remus hugged him gently.

 

“It’s the best gift ever,” he promised.

 

“Hah! Look!” James shouted, pointing at the bracelet, whose message changed to _you are the best gift ever._

 

———

 

Remus crept up behind Lucas and wrapped his arms around his chest, pulling him backward. Lucas let himself be guided out of the room.

 

“Come with me down the hallway?” Remus whispered.

 

Lucas turned his body and grabbed onto Remus’ wrist, pulling them further out of view. When they came to a hallway covered with picture frames, Remus was tempted to be distracted by the pictures of baby Frank. 

 

Lucas let go of his arm and watched silently as Remus paced back and forth in front of him. After three minutes, which felt like three million decades to Remus, he stopped and turned abruptly.

 

He took a deep breath. “I don’t want to kiss you after the midnight countdown because I want you to know that I’m not kissing you because of some stupid New Year tradition or that it’s a one-time thing.”

 

He let out a rushed breath and his limbs were starting to grow numb in fright. He looked everywhere except Lucas’ eyes. 

 

“I want you to know it’s because I really like you,” Remus laughed wetly and shrugged. “I really like you, Lucas Philip Leal-Pan.”

 

Lucas stood frozen.

 

Remus bounced on his feet, fighting the urge to just shut up and chew on the inside of his cheek until it bleeds, and added, “You’re not dreaming, in case that’s why you’re…um, I’m hoping you feel the same? If this was a terrible miscalculation, uh, I can just —”

 

“Wait,” Lucas interjected. His eyebrows drew in slightly, the adorable crease appearing. “You’re saying it’s alright if I kiss you?”

 

Remus grumbled something that sounded suspiciously like _fucking hell, is it alright, of fucking course you bloody git—_ before he stepped forward and pressed a feather-light kiss to Lucas’ lips. He pulled back just as quickly and rested his forehead against the Ravenclaw’s, both embarrassed and not embarrassed of his heavy breathing over a barely-there kiss.

 

Rather weakly, Remus joked, “Alright?”

 

At first, Lucas didn’t respond, his eyes still closed. Then the question must have finally got through his brain because his shoulders started shaking in quiet laughter. 

 

If the sound of his rain-laughter were colors, this time it’d be pale lavender and the color of midnight that was not black or purple, but a deep indigo blue. 

 

Lucas kissed him back, brushing his lips over once, twice, and then hugged him, pulling him tight into his ribcage.

 

They laughed together, feeling the rumble more than hearing it, grins threatening to break their faces in two, arms clinging to each other.

 

———

 

Lily sat on the kitchen counter, swinging her legs. Remus finished pouring the sparkling apple cider and handed a cup to her, pushing himself up so he could sit beside her.

 

“You’re awfully smiley,” she commented and took a sip of her drink, eyeing him.

 

“Oh, piss off.”

 

She smiled and tapped her temple. “I always know.”

 

Remus scoffed. “So do I.”

 

He looked over at James who was in sight from the kitchen doorway. Lily punched his arm and told him to shut up.

 

“We’re just friends,” she insisted.

 

“I know,” Remus reassured. “That’s all I’m saying. I’m pointing out you don’t hate him anymore.”

 

She narrowed her eyes and hummed. She turned her gaze to James and tilted her head, sizing him up.

 

“He’s not entirely insufferable, I suppose.” She sipped her drink. “He kind of grows on you, doesn’t he?”

 

“In the best way,” Remus replied.

 

“Boys are stupid.”

 

“We are.”

 

They swung their legs together and drank bubbly apples. 

 

“You’re the worst of them all, too,” Lily piped up.

 

“How so?”

 

She set her cup down and poked Remus in the chest. 

 

“You look all innocent and have those big green eyes, ugh,” she groaned. “You’re disgusting.”

 

He nodded in agreement. “Ah, yes. I was thinking I was rather charming in my ‘disgust’.”

 

Lily hummed. “A little, I guess. You have to tone back your loud and cocky personality, however.”

 

Her serious facade cracked as she blew a raspberry in his face.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Remus mumbled, wiping specks of spit off his face. “Love ya too, Lilyflower.”

 

Lily picked her cup back up and raised it to the air. “To friendship!”

 

Remus clicked his glass with hers. “To friendship.”

 

Dorky, Al, and Marls stumbled into the kitchen demanding if they were really toasting marvelous friendship without them.

 

“I’m not toasting with _you_ ,” Lily said. “You’re all bitches and I hate you.”

 

———

 

“Five!

 

“Four!

 

“Three!

 

“Two!

 

“One!

 

“Happy New Year!”

 

Lucas laced his fingers through Remus’ and kissed him on the nose.

 

Unfortunately, Remus’ eyes happened to cross Frank’s, who had pulled away from a kiss with Alice and gleefully mouthed “orchestrated” and “flawlessly” with a smug wink.

 

Remus was brought back to the time in the library, who knows how long ago, when Frank brought up Lucas for the first time, then titled as a friend he had. 

 

_“I’m so smooth you won’t even realize you’re best friends until you make eye contact with me in the corner of the room and see that I’ve orchestrated it all flawlessly,” Frank had said._

 

And Frank indeed happened to be in the corner of the room.

 

Remus bent down to kiss Lucas’ forehead, raising a hand behind the tussled blond hair to flip Frank off.

 

———

 

There was a lot of bad coming. The bad was inevitable; inescapable. But that could be dealt with later. 

 

Remus had quite a year mixed with a lot of emotions. 

 

There was heartbreak and for months he felt on the brink of being lost. The numbing and distancing himself had been comfortable and, in a way, easier. It felt like there was a lot less to lose with a diminished self-esteem and minimal expectations for happiness.

 

But,

 

He had made it back to himself.

 

He loved the people around him. James and Peter, for standing with him and staying awake with him after his nightmares; for joking about every aspect of life, including Lucas, in a way that made him laugh and realize not everything was life-or-death. 

 

The Girls, for all their slumber parties and commitment to keeping his chin up and head forward; for accepting him and giving him space to figure himself out without the pressure to do it within a certain amount of time. 

 

Frank, for being a weird, annoying big brother and an even greater friend; for talking shit in the library and never making him feel uncomfortable.

 

Lucas — there were probably words that could describe how happy and grateful he was for Lucas but after the holding hands and reciprocated feelings, his mind wouldn’t be able to function coherently about that boy for awhile (not that it ever really did).

 

He loved and was loved by so many people but right now, _right now_ he was most proud of himself. 

 

He wanted this moment of the new year to just appreciate and love who he was.

 

And so, surrounded by the warm sounds of people he loved, safe, with an impending future tainted with evil and most likely war, Remus closed his eyes and just took calm, deep breaths with one of his most secret smiles, directed solely at himself.


	27. Keep You Warm And Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Hogwarts; on the verge of happy beginnings and ominous startings.  
> Sirius struggling with being around Remus again after two weeks.

“Darling, the phone’s for you!”

 

“What?”

 

“Lucas, dear!”

 

Remus fell out of his bed, his head hitting the floor with a muted _crack._ In the rush to stand up, he ended up sprawling back on the ground because of his sliding socks and dizzy headache.

 

Eventually, he made it out of his room and into the small kitchen with flushed cheeks and horrible bed hair. He was still exhausted from the New Years party and his eyes were heavily hooded. He blindly reached his hand out for the phone. Euphemia passed it over, chuckling softly.

 

“Luc — ” Remus’ voice broke hoarsely “—cus?”

 

Lucas half-yelled, “Remus!” Then softer, “Rem, er, hello.”

 

Remus yawned, eyes flickering to the clock above the sink. “Is there any reason that you’re calling me at 6 a.m.? Not that it’s not nice, I always love hearing your voice.”

 

Remus flushed and hoped his mother wasn’t eavesdropping in another room. Is this what being a relationship was like — _was_ this a relationship? — just blurting out the sappy thoughts you usually kept in your head? 

 

“Really? Oh. Well, I, er, like yours too. Your voice that is. It’s soft.”

 

Remus decided he liked swapping silly thoughts out loud. 

 

“Soft?” He teased.

 

“Well, it is! It’s not my fault you hardly get nervous around me and I know I’m the one who reads poetry, so I should be _at least_ as smooth as you are, but you make my tongue swell up.”

 

Remus definitely liked this. 

 

He softly responded, “I get nervous, too. And you make my tongue swell up as well.” He coughed. “Um, what was the reason you were calling again?”

 

“Oh!” Lucas’ voiced returned to the nervous but chipper tone that started when Remus answered the phone. “I’m sorry I’m calling this early but I suddenly remembered that when you said you liked me, I didn’t say it back, because well, my brain short-circuited,” Lucas laughed breathlessly, “to put it lightly.

 

“And I knew I had to fix that immediately because I don’t want you breathing for another second not knowing that I utterly adore you, Remus John Lupin.”

 

_What am I going to do with you?_ Remus asked himself helplessly.

 

There was no other answer then _keep you warm and closer._

 

Then, because there was no way Remus was going back to sleep (a bucket of ice water couldn’t wake him up more than he was now), he asked Lucas to read him comics.

 

———

 

“I absolutely beat you!”

 

“I was being nice — I _let_ you win!”

 

Sirius tossed his broom a safe distance away before pouncing on James, bringing them both to the ground. They tumbled, fighting for the upper hand, hair getting soaked, spitting out mouthfuls of snow, pulling out of headlocks. 

 

Euphemia paused from cleaning, staring out the window at the two unruly boys rolling in the field. Why they wanted to race in the cold, she had no idea. Her heart strained for a moment, out of fear of Sirius being too rough, and guilt quickly formed as she saw the gentleness in which he played with James. 

 

To a stranger, they’d think the two were brothers, with the black hair and obvious affection.

 

“Ha!” Sirius pinned James down. “Admit it! I won!”

 

“You win, you win! Now get off me you fat loaf.”

 

“Not until you say I’m faster, smarter, and more attractive than you.”

 

James huffed. “You’re faster, smarter, and better looking! There, happy?”

 

Sirius sprang off him, grinning. “Very,” he said as he held a hand out for James to take.

 

James took it and Sirius heaved him up. James smiled at him. It was a good day. He gave him a hard shove and then sprinted away to grab his broom.

 

Euphemia resumed tidying up the kitchen, waving her wand so the newly cleaned plates flew into the cabinets while the dirty ones continued to be dumped in water and soap, dried clean by a charmed rag.

 

She leaned against the counter with the intention of deciding what to make for dinner. As it would have it, her thoughts drifted back to Sirius, as they often did this winter.

 

Christmas and New Year’s Eve had been a difficult affair. Sirius was surly and erratic with the reminders of past holidays with his former family. She and Fleamont had been doing their best to give him the attention he needed and to slip in advice or encouragement, but Sirius’ destructive attitudes were deep ingrained. 

 

The past week felt promising and he’d been in a better mood. On New Year’s Eve, after giving Sirius a Calming Drought, Fleamont had come up with the brilliant idea to push Sirius toward music. They’d spent the night listening to old records they found and ones from the past summer that Sirius had bought.

 

She worried that music may not be the most productive coping mechanism. Sirius turned to it any time he was in a bad mood now, but after an hour or two he’d remerge from his room in a serene state. As long as he was finding a small dose of happiness, Euphemia was happy as well. 

 

“Mum! Sirius got us soaking wet in the snow!” James yelled from the doorway. “Can you do a warming spell on us?”

 

——— 

 

Winter break ended rather abruptly and in no time students were piled back in their dormitories. The train ride to Hogsmeade station was uneventful, the gang preferred to split to separate compartments this time. Lucas and Remus spent about half the journey together, holding hands and side pressed closely together.

 

“Are you two going to be all gross and couple-y now?” Frank had asked.

 

“If you’re asking if I’m going to slip away, unsubtle by the way, off to some corner for half an hour and emerge with ruffled hair and flushed cheeks like you and Al?” Remus asked sweetly before deadpanning, “Then no.”

 

“Frankie you’re actually sitting in Alice’s lap as we speak,” Lucas added on.

 

Alice had taken the opportunity to bring up that Frank’s bony arse was digging into her thighs and told him to piss off to the compartment with his other friends. Her _darling_ endearment tacked on the end erased the doubt of any irritation on her part.

 

Now, though, Remus was yawning his way through the end of his Wizarding Chess game with Peter. James offered to take over and Remus promised Peter that he’d sit next to him in the lessons all week to help him catch up with the subjects (even though class hadn’t even started yet and he shouldn’t be behind).

 

———

 

Sirius blasted a Bob Dylan record, attempting to burn out the image of Remus and the stupid Ravenclaw who had kissed Remus’ cheek during dinner before going to his own House’s table. Completely repulsive — anyone could’ve seen them do it! How could they go around flaunting it, didn’t they know how wrong it was?

 

Euphemia taught him a few tricks, such as counting to a hundred and then back in reverse. It worked all dinner, even when Wormtail droned on and on about his holidays. James only had to say yellow once.

 

James stuck with Sirius throughout the day instead of Remus and that made him pleased. 

 

He was in an okay mood until he saw Remus curled on his armchair and reading some flimsy book, dwarfed in a nighttime jumper, and it threw Sirius off the edge. Remus wasn’t allowed to look cute if Sirius wasn’t able to have a piece of it.

 

So, when Remus entered the room for bedtime, he was in the middle of raising the volume of his record player. Sirius couldn’t (at least that was what he told himself — he was powerless in being petty) stop himself from saying a biting remark.

 

“Not going to sleep in pretty boy’s bed? I bet the Ravenclaws would gladly take you. You’ve always been more brains than courage.”

 

Remus had the gall to snort derisively, not even glancing his way as he flicked his wand, performing a nonverbal Silencing Charm on the music and Sirius himself.

 

———

 

Remus woke up early despite the full moon only being a few days before. The excitement of returning to Hogwarts yesterday had worn off and with no distractions, the aches and pains made themselves known. He shut his eyes and willed himself to fall asleep, he was certainly tired enough for it, his eyelids felt like weights were pressed upon them. 

 

His mind didn’t seem to get the memo, however, and ran at a pace too fast to even keep track of. Anxiety and emotional nausea pooled into his stomach and he could only stand it for five minutes before he climbed out of bed. 

 

The sky was still dark, a deep shade of blue. It was one of the things he hated about the winters — how the night dragged into the morning. Maybe summer mornings weren’t kind either, with how the sun poked through windows way too early, but Remus preferred light over dark. 

 

He figured he had at least three more hours before lessons began and he started dressing with double layers.

 

He wished he didn’t room with Black, especially being right next to his bed, because no matter how careful he was, his eyes always ended up crossing over him at some point. Remus pondered if Black kept his curtains open for this reason. 

 

Black scowled in his sleep. His face was drawn in deep lines and his lips were pulled tight in anger. It was funny, in a way. People often commented how much younger someone looked when sleeping or how peaceful. Remus used to think the same of Black, he used to love to watch him sleep and the sweetness his face held. The vulnerability helped to convince Remus of why he stayed with someone who mistreated him. 

 

Now, though, Black was all harsh edges and mean, whether asleep or awake. Perhaps he has always been like that and Remus had been blind to it. Pinching his nose, Remus shook those thoughts out of his head and picked his wand off the bedside table in order to shut Black’s curtains. 

 

He listened to the loud snores of Pete and the soft ones of Jamie.

 

———

 

“Rem?” Lily mumbled and turned on her side, keeping her eyes close. 

 

“Mind if I lie down?”

 

Lily shook her head, eyes still shut. Her voice was hoarse. “Not at all.”

 

She held up her blanket in an invitation to come under but he politely declined. A small warning bell went off in her head. Remus wanted to be near for comfort but seemed to want a limited amount of touching, which was his right, but Lily knew he often was like this on his bad days. When he would drift through the hours, stuck in his head.

 

She opened her eyes to see him settled on the bed, a good gap of distance between them, staring at the ceiling. 

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Go back to sleep, Lily.”

 

“Mm, not using my nickname. Must be something bad.”

 

Remus puffed a sound that was almost like laughter. “Please. I don’t want to wake you.”

 

She propped her head up on her hand, using her elbow to keep her face up enough to see his. Dark green eyes, similar but also not to hers, rested on her for a second and she raised her eyebrows. He turned back to the ceiling.

 

“You should sleep,” he said.

 

“As should you. Now, will you talk to me or am I going to have to guess?”

 

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”

 

“Bullshit.” Her tone was clipped but not unkind. “You’ve been a bit off for a couple of weeks.”

 

A beat of silence.

 

“Is it Lucas?” Lily didn’t think it was but the question cracked a small smile on Remus’ face, which was her goal.

 

“No. Never.”

 

“Not Black, I assume. The moon neither. I don’t think academics are bothering you, at least not yet…”

 

“Lily, I’m fine. It’s nothing. Sometimes I’m sad. Just sad.”

 

“No, there’s something weighing on your mind. I can feel it.”

 

Remus’ voice broke, “Lily.”

 

She reached her hand out, hoping to hold his. He pulled his hand away and moved it to cross his stomach. She didn’t take it personally and, though it hurt, she was more in distress that she wasn’t being of any help.

 

“If you can’t talk to me about it, is there someone you can?”

 

She laid her head back down onto her pillow. The absence of her prodding gaze relaxed Remus.

 

“Maybe.” He amended, “I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m supposed to.”

 

“What if you told a half-truth? There must be a part of it that you could confide while also keeping some of it secret.”

 

She waited as Remus flipped the idea around in his mind. The back of her neck tingled and she turned her to the other side. Alice stared at her from her own bed, eyes questioning. They held a silent conversation, eyebrows raising and drawing together, lips pursing and slacking, eyes flickering through different emotions.

 

By the time they were finished, they realized Remus had fallen asleep, his breaths even and deep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always for comments! Helps me get the motivation during long weeks : )


	28. Advanced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus confides

Remus considered his options: Lucas or Frank. They understood the first half of the situation and would know how to move forward. Lucas felt like the right answer, his name there even before the question of whether he should talk to someone raised. But Lucas knew Remus well, his gut feelings were exceptionally accurate. Remus couldn’t — _he couldn’t_ _—_ let anyone in on the second half of the secret Dumbledore requested.

 

So, Frank was a good second choice. He’d probably sense something fishy going on but he wasn’t one to press Remus for details. Plus, Frank had come to Remus, had trusted him, when he was going through this a few months ago, divulging information he wasn’t supposed to, even if it was mostly gibberish. 

 

But it didn’t feel right for Lucas to not be the first person to know. Maybe he could tell them at the same time?

 

Remus imagined that scenario in his mind and wrinkled his nose.

 

So, he sat for a week, knowing he should get a move on, switching back in forth in his mind, sometimes getting so wound him he blasted the idea of telling anyone at all.

 

It all came to a head when Remus was exiting the Transfiguration classroom after a grueling lesson where he was too off-kilter to Conjure birds and spotted Lucas passing the hallway to go to Ancient Runes. 

 

He darted through the crowd of students and grasped Lucas’ hand, running against the flow.

 

———

 

“Rem, not that I haven’t loved this fifteen-minute conversation about eggs — and yes, my final answer is huevos rancheros are better than scrambled — but do you think you could maybe tell me what’s on your mind?”

 

Lucas tucked a stray curl behind Remus’ ear, hovering there before placing his hand on Remus’ neck, over the protruding scar. Remus wondered if he should cut his hair, then wondered what hairstyle Lucas liked, then wondered if he should have Dorcas or Lily cut Lucas’ hair as well. Would Dorky choose a Quidditch player as a reference model as well? Lucas was good enough that he could be on a famous team one day and maybe then Dorky would have posters of him to use as models for hairstyling. Remus frowned, thinking if that would be weird if she hypothetically had pictures of his hypothetically famous Quidditch chaser boyfriend in the future.

 

Lucas stroked his neck, a gentle pressure of his thumb smoothing the skin, and Remus closed his eyes, taking a breath. It was a strange feeling, once the thumb crossed the scar, he couldn’t really feel it, but it was soothing. He breathed in Lucas’ scent — a mixture of grass and cinnamon.

 

He opened his eyes when he felt more grounded and Lucas’ brown ones were soft and warm and gentle.

 

“Hello,” Lucas whispered, giving a last stroke and then pausing, not taking his hand away.

 

“Hi.” Remus’ stomach didn’t clench in worry or shame over how small his voice sounded.

 

He felt comfortable being however he was in front of the kind blond boy, whether it was in shambles or in exuberant confidence. He still felt stupid, though, but in an angry way toward himself. Why was he being such a baby? This wasn’t even a big deal; he was overreacting.

 

“I feel stupid,” he said.

 

“You’re not.”

 

“You don’t know that.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Do not.”

 

“ _Rem._ ”

 

Remus harrumphed. He fiddled with the sleeves of his jumper. He had shed his cloak off awhile ago, the library was surprisingly hot (or maybe that was just Remus’ nerves), and he sat in a dark purple sweater and black pants. They were in their special library section, cushioned between the shelves, and the setting comforted him when they first arrived. 

 

Now, the books were closing in on him, the air growing tighter.

 

Lucas’ face expressed a flash of surprise as Remus scooted over, carefully and slowly crawling into his lap. He opened his legs wider and Remus settled in sideways, his legs thrown over one of Lucas’ and the rest of his body twisted to lean into the broad chest, a hummingbird heartbeat bumping from Lucas to Remus. 

 

Lucas wrapped his arms around Remus and then shifted a few times until they fit better together, less awkward. “Alright?”

 

Remus nodded, knowing the Ravenclaw could feel him the movement if he couldn’t exactly see it and laid his head in the crook between shoulder and neck.

 

“I know that you and Frank and stuff train together sometimes,” Remus started, deciding if he was going to go for it he wasn’t going to beat around the bush. “That Dumbledore wants you to help in the, uh, Order…”

 

“Order of Phoenix,” Lucas calmly prompted.

 

Remus grabbed his wand from where it jutted against his hip and bent it at a weird angle as he whispered, “Homenum Revelio.”

 

He let out a breath when nothing happened and explained, “I wanted to check just in case anyone could be eavesdropping. There wasn’t, sorry, I’m just being paranoid.”

 

“You don’t need to apologize.” Lucas pressed his chin on Remus’ head and moved it in an almost nuzzle-like manner that made Remus laugh. “That was smart.”

 

“I… know that you’ll most likely join the Order after this year when you’ve graduated.”

 

“Is that why you’re upset? Because I hadn’t told you yet or that I’m doing something that can be dangerous?”

 

“No,” Remus answered quickly. “Neither and that’s fine you haven’t told me. It’s not exactly a fun conversation to have and that’s what everyone is doing, anyway. Reading the papers about the attacks on Muggles and Muggleborns, sporadic enough to not cause mass panic but enough to cause discomfort. 

 

“It’s like if we don’t say our worries out loud, it won’t be real.”

 

Remus himself had run with the “ignorance is bliss” idea lately, pushing away the gnawing worry of his Muggle mother and his lowly status as a beast. Lucas tightened his arms, a silent message of distress over Remus being distraught.

 

“Dumbledore,” Remus spoke slowly, “wants me to start, um… training, too.”

 

The body encompassing him stilled. “What?”

 

Remus bunched up his fists in Lucas’ robe. “Yes.”

 

The boy he had grown to care for so dearly uncurled Remus’ fists and used his arms to pull Remus away from his body a bit. He lifted his knees up in adjustment for Remus’ back to lean against. The Gryffindor’s breathing returned to normal as he realized Lucas wasn’t pushing him away but moving him so that he could see his face, drinking in his features, looking for an explanation in his expressions.

 

“Why?” He breathed. “Frank and the others, we’re seventh years, we’re leaving in six months and will be ready to join. We’re seventeen — adults.” The lines on Lucas’ face crinkled from confusion more than anger. “You’re a sixth year, you still have _a year and a half_ , that doesn’t, that doesn’t make sense.

 

“Why you?”

 

Remus fiddled with his jumper again, liking the bigness of it, how it easily went past his hands. The inside was a softer material and he rubbed it in soothing circles.

 

He lifted a shoulder, a slight move. “He said I’m advanced in Defense Against the Dark Arts,” another shrug, “and that I could be a huge… asset if I found time to privately study and practice more complicated spells.”

 

This wasn’t a lie, per se, Dumbledore had said that more or less, but that wasn’t the exact reason why Remus should start training earlier.

 

He had a different “skill set”, besides DADA, that the others couldn’t offer.

 

“There’s more, isn’t there?” 

 

See? Exceptional gut feeling.

 

“Yes.”

 

“And you can’t say right now?” Lucas’ patience was infinite and never ceased to impress Remus. 

 

Others would easily take it personally, see it as not being trusted enough to know the information, be angered.

 

Remus shook his head, staring at the ground. Lucas hummed, lifted a hand to palm Remus’ cheek. He looked up through his eyelashes and the blond boy took the chance to press a kiss to the corner of Remus’ mouth.

 

“I don’t like it,” he said. “I disagree with the Headmaster’s decision but I’m also biased because of how much I care for you.”

 

Remus felt blood rush to his cheeks, probably more noticeable because of how pale he was from anxiety and stress. Lucas’ gaze flickered around his face and grinned at the healthy flush. 

 

“But this is obviously important to you and I can tell you’ve decided to do it, whatever it may be.” Lucas moved the hand from cheek down to the neck again, the side without the scar. “I’d never try to convince you not to. The only thing I want is for you to practice with us, not privately on your own.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Of course. I can show off my amazing _advanced_ boyfriend.”

 

And that cut the tension out of the conversation, the tightness giving away to room for breathing. Lucas pulled Remus back in, tucking him in his chest and arms. Remus nosed into Lucas’ neck, warm and cinnamon-like. 

 

“See,” Lucas murmured, using one hand to rub Remus’ back. “That wasn't so hard was it?”

 

Remus grunted and felt the rumble of his boyfriend’s laugh.

 

“I’m hungry. Why don’t we go to the kitchens and skip the rest of our lessons?”

 

“My, Lucas,” Remus gasped. “We’ve only been together for two weeks and you’re already trying to corrupt me?”

 

“Says the person who kidnapped me from Ancient Runes!”

 

“Git,” Remus responded and playfully bit Lucas’ neck, laughing at the squeal it provoked.

 

Lucas jiggled his legs, jostling Remus. “Come on, food time. You haven’t been eating enough lately.”

 

“But I’m so _comfy_. Don’t wanna move.”

 

“You can sit in my lap after food, how’s that sound?”

 

Remus thought about if for a moment, dramatizing his pause.

 

“Promise?”

 

Lucas rubbed his chin on Remus’ head. “Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole hush-hush business drama is done (at least for awhile) after this! Started feeling a bit too angsty and now it's moving into the kind of final phase of this story. I'm estimating around 10 chapters left and the chapters will be varying in lengths.  
> : ) Thank you for sticking through with me and hope you enjoyed this short comfort piece


	29. Trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Order of the Phoenix is in the making and Sirius has some thoughts on love

 

Telling Frank was much easier now that Remus had gotten the secret off his chest with Lucas.

 

First, he was big brother: “ _What the actual fuck_?” and protective and he hugged Remus just as fiercely as Remus had back in autumn. 

 

Then he was friend. “I apologize this is mediocre compared to the Rare and Pure Remus Lupin Hug. Honestly, such a disgrace. I don’t even know how I live with myself.”

 

Frank smiled and clapped Remus on the back. 

 

“Ow! Fuck, easy with my shins! Why is it always my shins?”

 

Remus pulled his foot back and stuck out his tongue. “Crybaby.”

 

“Wait,” Frank gasped, throwing his arm out. “Wait, wait, wait.” He snapped his fingers and then nodded his head. “Yes, yes.”

 

Bemused, Remus waved a hand in front of Frank’s glazed over face. Frank startled and then grabbed Remus by the shoulders, shaking him in excitement.

 

“I got it! This makes sense, I understand now. Perfect Sense.”

 

“Will you — stop shaking me you prat — stop being so cryptic?”

 

Frank gave him an extra rough last shake to be a piece of shit and grinned. “Dumbledore wants the Girls and Peter and Jamesyboy to help, too! He’s being the cryptic one! Don’t you see? Why would Dumbledore tell you, _just you_ , specifically?” Frank paused and then powered forward, not waiting for a response. “He doesn’t expect you to keep it secret, I mean you already told two people, and there’s no way the others will let only you train with us. They will want to, too. Alice has been bugging me about it for months.”

 

“What?”

 

Frank sighed indulgently. “Focus up, Sweetcakes. You’re the responsible, grounded one of our Sixth Year friends. Dumbledore probably wants to expand the Order and what better way than to ask you? 

 

“Because then word would pass to Lily and James and Marls and Peter and etcetera. They’ll all want to train and you will keep them in check. We’re the brightest wizards of the school — let’s be honest. 

 

“Together we’re unstoppable.”

 

Silence drew as Remus let the pieces slide in his mind. Despite Frank’s complicated explanation, he understood it. It had merit and Dumbledore probably did think about that.

 

Frank tapped his foot impatiently and Remus stared for a moment before realizing that Frank was anxious. It dawned on him that Frank knew this wasn’t the reason why Dumbledore only told Remus. He seemed desperate, in a way, to push this idea; it was a safe explanation.

 

“Frank, this,” Remus bit his tongue briefly, aware he was walking on egging shells, “isn’t the reason why… This is a great idea but Dumbledore chose me…”

 

Because what? What was Remus doing? He couldn’t divulge the information, this, he knew, the Headmaster definitely didn’t want him spreading. 

 

“Remus, please,” Frank whispered, face crumpled. He could make a guess at what Dumbledore had in mind for Remus but the notion was impossible, Remus was so young and inexperienced. 

 

“This is why.” He stated more firmly, “This is why.”

 

Remus’ smile was small, affectionate, a dip of sadness. “Okay,” he indulged.

 

Frank squeezed him in another air crushing hug.

 

“Just don’t feel too bad about yourself when I crush you in dueling practice.”

 

Frank laughed from deep in his belly.

 

———

 

Their new group wasn’t linear, they didn’t work consistently or predictably. You couldn’t expect much of sixteen and seventeen-year-olds.

 

Yet, they were close to a well-oiled machine. 

 

Somehow their jagged lines clipped together without much effort. They consisted of three, previously entirely separate, groups: the Marauders (minus Sirius), the Girls, and Frank & company, yet there wasn’t a huge gap or discomfort between one group to another. They were like a confluence, rivers merging together in one flow. One of the key factors was that no one acted or wanted to be seen as superior, they were all pretty laid-back and amiable.

 

The news of the group now working as a whole to prepare for the upcoming war went around in chunks and pieces. Remus told James, Peter, and Lily. Frank told Fab and Gid. Lily told Dorky, Al, and Marls. Dorky told Davey, Marls ran into Caradoc and Edgar and told them offhandedly. Lucas talked with Benjy. It all came in hushed whispers, casting _Muffliato_ , a Silencing Charming, or _Homenum Revelio_. 

 

They mixed together, once everyone knew, discussing their thoughts about it in intermixed groups of twos or threes or fours. Everyone seemed to get the memo to not push or question The Remus Mystery, ever respectful of boundaries. 

 

James stuck to him like glue, however, hovering and babying him, in fitful motherly clucks. He ended up third-wheeling with Remus and Lucas fairly often, which actually turned out well. Remus didn’t know who had a bigger man-crush on the other and James shockingly offered to help advise the Ravenclaw team (mostly because, not shockingly, Ravenclaw was going up against Slytherin in a few weeks).

 

True to his Mother persona, he divulged several embarrassing stories of young Remus to Lucas, the only thing missing was naked baby photos. In retaliation, Remus tricked salt to turn into sugar and sugar to turn into salt in all of James’ food.

 

There was nothing like James’ puckered sour face after eating a huge bite of salty pancakes to start the day off well.

 

———

 

Figuring out times to train together was more complicated. Lucas explained they usually did Monday, Thursday, and Sunday nights but that was always changing, especially since they had N.E.W.T.s to prepare for. 

 

After going in circles — what about Tuesday? _No, I have Quidditch practice._ What about in the early morning then? _No, then_ I _have practice. Saturday? Tutoring sessions, sorry. Friday?? Maybe, sometimes we study then —_ Lily let out an, admittingly terrifying, shriek. She stormed away and came back fifteen minutes later with four pieces of parchment in hand. 

 

On each paper, there were seven columns, one for each day of the week, and scrawled in neat black ink were the various activities all fifteen people had throughout the week.

 

“Hey, I have Quidditch on Tuesday mornings,” James protested, then clamped a hand over his mouth, brown eyes wide in disbelief that he questioned Lily.

 

Just then, the Gryffindor team captain happened to walk by, laughing with a group of Hufflepuffs. Edgar and Caradoc waved.

 

“Oh, Potter. Practice is canceled this week,” the captain said with a wink as he walked past.

 

Everyone’s head snapped to Lily, eyebrows high in impress. She smiled smugly.

 

“Now that it’s settled,” she huffed. “I have a copy for everyone to share. This one’s for our room — ” she handed parchment to Alice “ — this is for Rem’s room… this is for Frank’s room… and this for our lovely Hufflepuffs.”

 

She turned to Lucas and pulled out a copy from her robe’s pocket. “Last but not least.”

 

“What’s this red for?” Peter asked. 

 

The group peered over shoulders at the sparkling red ink scowling out time slots.

 

“This points out the times where we are all free, so we can coordinate better. If something comes up and the parchment doesn’t add it, take a quill and cross the time slot out and everyone’s will update accordingly. Sound easy enough?”

 

Everyone nodded. James gazed at Lily adoringly, talking under his breath about how brilliant she was. Remus snorted and elbowed him.

 

“Saturday afternoon is open, what do you guys say?”

 

———

 

Later at night Remus looked at the charmed parchment, smiling fondly partly in pride for his best friend and partly with butterflies at any time he saw the loopy Ls of Lucas’ name — which was ridiculous.

 

“Did you see what Sunday says?” Peter whispered as he changed into pajamas for bed.

 

_Sunday: 9:00 Remus has biscuits with McGonagall_

 

An inelegant chortle escaped Remus. He pressed his fingers to his lips, smiling and shaking his head. 

 

Lily charmed the timetable to come up with random excuses for nights during the full moon.

 

———

 

Sirius started sitting with Fifth Year boys. _They_ appreciated his presence and looked at him in admiration, asking him to tell the legendary stories of the pranks he used to do. 

 

_Used_ to do.

 

Sirius didn’t like that. When did they last prank someone? He couldn’t even name the last time James had even hexed Snivelly. His mind burrowed down the hole like an upset mole, and his mind immediately looked for something to blame for why they never did fun things anymore. How could they even be called marauders when they didn’t prank people?

 

As if sensing Sirius’ train of thought, James bore a burning gaze into the side of his face from across the common room. Sirius broke his glare directed at Remus, who snored near the fireplace.

 

Sirius clenched his fists and counted. One. Uncurled his fists…two. Clenched…three… and continued so forth until he calmed down (thirty-six). He would have preferred to have punched his head those thirty-six time — that was a new thing, wanting to physically smack sense into himself — but he was supposed to be _trying._ And _trying_ meant not hitting or breaking things. (Sirius learned this the hard way after smashing Euphemia’s great-great grandmother’s vase and she wasn’t able to hide her tearful reaction from him. Sirius would never, ever be the cause of Euphemia’s pain if he could help it and so he promised no physical violence, even though he didn’t understand why she was so upset when she could magic the vase back together).

 

So, here he was. _Trying._ And it was not fun nor easy in the slightest. It was hard and annoying and felt like it wasn’t really doing anything. Being angry was so much better. He just turned off like a switch and let it control him. But he tended to fuck up when he was angry.

 

His gaze refocused on Remus, how his lips parted in sleep, how his legs were tucked in what couldn’t have been a comfortable angle on the armchair, how the purple circles under his eyes stuck out more. It was kind of funny. How could someone look so tired when they were sleeping? 

 

He looked less tired than he usually did, though. There was something about his face that seemed more refreshed. Less tense.

 

Why did he look like that? Why was he so… so _happy_ when Sirius was like this? Sirius should have been the one to make him happy and not exhausted. 

 

Did Remus count as one of the things he fucked up during his anger?

 

There were a dozen people who would shout YES at him in answer but he felt like they were harsh and judgmental. People get angry sometimes! Not everyone is all happy-yay-rainbows-flowers-wow!, that wasn’t human. It doesn’t make you a bad person to be angry.

 

And you’re supposed to love who you love no matter what. What was it that Prongs always said — unconditionally. You love unconditionally. You forgive — you were supposed to forgive those you loved.

 

Why hadn’t Remus? Remus used to say that he loved Sirius.

 

_This isn’t my fault,_ Sirius thought, staring down the sleeping Remus as if he could hear Sirius if he thought furiously enough. _You’re supposed to love me. James loves me. Why don’t you love me? It’s supposed to be_ unconditional _and I’m_ trying.

 

But Remus didn’t wake up, he didn’t hear Sirius thoughts, and Sirius was still all anger and lonely. 


	30. Bloody Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training begins and time passes fast.

The group congregated outside of the Gryffindor common room. The Fat Lady questioned what the Order-of--Phoenix-in-training (not that she knew that) were doing, loitering around suspiciously at two o’clock on a Saturday afternoon.

 

“What were _you_ doing with Violet last Tuesday night?” Alice hotly replied.

 

The Fat Lady choked on air and turned her back on them (for the next few days someone had to come and let Alice into the common room, as the Fat Lady ignored her). 

 

They moved down the hallway, but the fact still stood: they didn’t have anywhere they could practice at. Gideon said they used to sneak out late at night and go to an empty classroom. The group was too big for that now. Finding somewhere safe to use magic without gaining suspicion was hard to do in the daytime.

 

Peter, James, and Remus huddled together, whispering about the nooks and crannies they knew from creating the Map. Nothing was ideal. James suggested taking the passage to Honeyduke’s and to the forest behind Hogsmeade. Remus nixed the idea — the passage was a long walk and would take time they could have use practicing.

 

“I have an idea,” Peter said. 

 

The others turned, their attention captured. Remus and James shared an amused smirk as Peter blinked owlishly at the attention. People tended to assume Peter blindly followed his dormmates without a brain or spine of his own. The truth couldn’t be farther away, in fact, he came up with some of their best plans.

 

James leaned forward and indicated for Peter to whisper in his ear first before telling the group. Peter cupped his hand so people couldn’t lip-read. As James listened, a mischievous grin grew on his face.

 

———

 

“ _How_ did you find this?”

 

“I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.” James winked. Peter and Remus shrugged.

 

———

 

The spot was one of Peter’s greatest ideas. 

 

It was in the Forbidden Forest, discovered during one of their monthly runs as animals and werewolf. The location was a bit of a trek but not too long (thankfully, in this snowy weather) and not too deep into the grounds. As large as the Great Hall and void of trees, it was like a gift the universe was handing to them, encouraging them in their endeavors. The best and most crucial detail was that it was a small pocket of summer. For a reason none of them could understand (Lily and Remus both frustrated themselves over searching books for _why_ and _who did it_ ), as soon as you stepped into the clearing, you stepped into a sunny, warm, blue-skyed world. 

 

Being in the middle of a harsh blizzard winter, it was a piece of heaven. 

 

The heavy air of magic that clung to it deterred centaurs, which was an added plus. Remus, Peter, and James firmly advised the others to never mess or be rude to a centaur if they came across them.

 

They fondly started referring to is as Bloody Hell. Ironic, but it was the only thing everyone besides the three marauders could say for a few minutes when they first arrived. 

 

———

 

End of January turned to February.

 

———

 

“JAMIE IF YOU DON’T SIT YOUR ARSE DOWN I WILL SHOVE YOU OFF THE STADIUM!”

 

Remus yanked James back onto the bleachers. 

 

He loved and hated watching Lucas play Quidditch. It was a heart-whooshing experience to watch his boyfriend zoom around the field, in his element. The contrast of the clear ease in his body compared to the tensed muscles was very distracting and endlessly fascinating. Remus thought Lucas looked incredibly badass scoring goal after goal against the Slytherins (“You never say I look badass when I play,” James had grumbled sullenly).

 

On the flip side, Lucas flew on a thin stick of wood high up in the air and one hard hit of a bludger would be all it would take to meet his death. Playing against Slytherins, the likelihood increased a tenfold. Remus thought a constant stream of _Aresto Momentum_ in his head in case he needed to use it. 

 

James standing up and bellowing at the top of his lungs, whether he was cursing at the Slytherins or praising Lucas or shouting advice, gave Remus a headache and made him more nervous.

 

James glared at Remus without heat but stayed seated. He lasted a full ten minutes before he shot out of his seat and yelled _Lucas! YOU BLOODY GIT WATCH YOUR LEFT SIDE!_ which was longer than Remus had expected. Marlene groaned and passed a few Sickles to Dorcas, cursing James for not lasting another minute of silence.

 

But then Remus was jumping up and down as well, waving his hands in the air. “Yes! Yes! That’s MY boyfriend!”

 

Dorcas huffed and handed the Sickles back over. Marlene smugly accepted them.

 

Gideon leaned forward and asked, “Do you ever bet on the actual game?”

 

“No,” they answered and snorted in sync. 

 

When the Ravenclaws won, Remus jumped into Lucas’ arms the second he exited the locker room. He would have kissed him too if James hadn’t pushed him away and pulled Lucas into a tight hug.

 

“I’m so fucking proud,” he cried. “Did you see their slimy faces when they lost?”

 

———

 

The Girls stood together, shoulder pressed to shoulder, with similar expressions of fond exasperation.

 

Remus’ head lolled uncomfortably to the side, his limbs in a bundled cramped position in the armchair. Every few seconds his fingers would clench the comic book in his lap, protective even in his sleep.

 

“Everything’s much more mundane without Remus drama, isn’t it?”

 

Lily smacked the back of Dorcas’ head.

 

Marlene pulled out her camera and they sneaked behind and around Remus, pulling outrageously silly faces. Marlene took six photos, feeling uncharacteristically sentimental, her logic being that more momentums of the good times was never a bad thing.

 

———

 

February turned to the beginning of March. 

 

———

 

“GO JAMIE!”

 

Lucas and Remus grinned so hard their smiles threatened to fall off their faces. The night before Lucas had drawn a beautifully intricate sign. POTTER IS MY HERO stretched across it and a yellow banner painted above it had Go Gryffindor! in red cursive. Little lion heads roared in the background with swirly designs of red and gold spirals.

 

Lucas held up the left side of the poster and Remus held up the right. Frank, Benjy, and Gideon had their faces painted in the team’s colors and POTTER in black across their forehead.

 

At the end of the game, Lily was the one to run onto the field and give him a fierce hug.

 

———

 

Remus and Peter spent a Hogsmeade trip together, their candy stashes resupplied and drinking at the Three Broomsticks. On more than one occasion, Remus snorted hot chocolate out of his nose from startled laughter.

 

“Did you know that your pee smells after you eat asparagus?”

 

Remus choked. The thing with Pete was that he had strange and unintentionally comedic comments in the middle of calm, unrelated discussion. They had just been talking about a battle they’d learned in History of Magic that seemed like every other war Binns had taught and now suddenly they were discussing pee.

 

“Yes,” Peter said, nodding grimly, as he assumed Remus’ shock was over the pee-smelling.

 

“Well.” Remus searched for words. “Good to know if I ever want to piss on Jamie’s bed after a healthy portion of broccoli.”

 

“ _Asparagus._ Aren’t you supposed to be the smart one?”

 

Remus threw a chip at Peter’s grinning face. 

 

———

 

Their meetings at Bloody Hell were the highlights of their days, or week when their schedules were too busy.

 

There wasn’t anyone leading the group, really. They took turns, depending on who felt up for it that day, individually or with a few others. 

 

As time went on, it became more fun, intense, and challenging. People’s strengths were revealed bit by bit and so were their weaknesses. Strengths were pursued alone and weaknesses were helped by everyone. They gave pointers and offering to stay after and practice with whoever was having trouble.

 

James Transfigured like he was born to do it. He made wooden and stone mannequins from twigs and rocks for target practice. One time when he was dueling Fabian, he made an impulse decision to cast a Ducklifors Jinx as a bit of fun and as a last attempt to gain the upper hand. Fabian froze in surprise as a bright yellow light shaped like a duck flew to a rock and Transfigured it into a real, quaking duck. James used the distraction to Stupefy. 

 

It wasn’t something they could seriously use in an attack but that day everyone had been tense from a newspaper article on the death of a Muggle family and they needed something to cheer them up. After the duck, they laughed and laughed, high-pitched and hysterical as their stress and fears slipped through it. They collectively decided to take the day off. They swam in the small pond Bloody Hell provided. James Transfigured more ducks, mainly because Lily grew attached to them.

 

Remus and Frank were best with any offensive spells — hexes, jinks, curses. They went over the basics with everyone and demonstrated the harder ones, assisting others when they tried. 

 

Watching the two of them duel was always entertaining, for they went the most creative and had fun. They used _Augamenti_ to throw the other off their feet, Pepper breath hex to blow fiery breath, a hex that reversed the knees to be backwards, a spell trapping the other person in a giant bubble, Jelly-leg Curse and a smilier spell that made their legs dance wildly, one where their head would get stuck inside a pumpkin, another where tongues turned into a horn. As time went on they became braver and comfortable with more spells that hurt more, like the Stinging Jinx and stronger stunning spells. One time Remus hid behind a stone mannequin and Frank used _Confringo,_ blasting it to pieces. The power of the curse was enough to make everyone’s breath catch and Remus had luckily cast a shield charm right on time.

 

Dorcas performed stellar on her own, a fast learner, but not so much in dueling. She could hold her own, but her movements were slow and sometimes she’d freeze up. 

Her true strength lay in healing and medicine. When duels were particularly brutal or accidents happened, she performed healing spells and soon became a godsend to them. Pomfrey took well to her her ambition and let her shadow on certain nights or weekends. Dorcas taught the others simple and effective healing spells in case of emergencies.

 

Marlene, as expected, had a special gift for sneaking around. What wasn’t expected was her willingness to teach them her sneaky assassin ways.

 

“You’re going to willingly give us your secrets? You won’t be able to sneak past us anymore.”

 

“Darling, you’ll never see me coming no matter how good you get.”

 

They found this to be very true. 

 

Marlene had no qualms in playing dirty. In the middle of dueling with someone, she’d hit them from the back, even when she wasn’t supposed to a part of the duel. When she taught them how to become more observant or aware of someone spying or trailing behind them, she had to really dumb down her stealth and build up slowly. Peter was the first to catch her stealing something from their room and Lucas the first to track her down in the forest. 

 

The group stocked up on food from the kitchens and celebrated luxuriously.

 

People tended to pity Peter, as he took the longest to learn new things. What shocked most of them, however, was once he got the hang of it, he had it perfected. His strength was using the way people underestimated him. He’d do defensive spell after defensive spell, lulling his opponents into a false sense of security, and then suddenly cast a strong offensive spell — stunning and body-binding were his favorites. His counter-jinxes were flawless.

 

Lucas was quickest on his feet and could cast in rapid fire, not giving the person a pause to react. He helped people to relax and keep their minds open without thinking or planning. 

 

“You have to _feel_ it,” he instructed. “Go with your gut and _don’t for a second_ doubt yourself. _You’ve got this._ Have faith and don’t hold back. You need to be in the moment, not in your head. Your body will lead the way.”

 

Evidently, he was the best at giving pep-talks and comforting people when they got overwhelmed or were disappointed with themselves.

 

Fabian and Gideon were on fire as a pair. Everyone groaned and moaned going up against them. They worked on the same wavelength, bouncing off of each other’s energy without a glance or word between them. They worked with everyone on how to build a connection with whoever you were teaming with. One of the most magical moments each of them felt was when the two or three people on their team synced up in practicing, feel this connection together, and doing better than they ever did alone. They could take more risks, knowing their back was covered, and together they could perform an effective pattern of spells.

 

Lily spent all her free time in the library, researching new and more complicated spells to practice. Teachers were like putty in her hands and their DADA professor talked freely about advanced spells they didn’t teach in the curriculum without any suspicions to her intentions. 

 

Davey’s and Edgar’s explanations were the clearest and simplest. They had a natural knack for teaching and often helped when one the others taught,re-iterating and prompting them to go through the important parts again.

 

Alice, Benjy, and Caradoc were particularly adept in casting nonverbally. Dueling anyone of them allowed everyone to perfect their skill at identifying an incoming spell by the movement of the wand and the color the light of the spell was. 

 

———

 

Remus spent the day after the full moon in the secluded back of the infirmary, wrapped around Lucas. Madam Pomfrey kept coming back and scolding him.

 

“Your leg will heal faster when it’s lying straight and down,” she’d tsk.

 

Remus would uncurl his limbs off Lucas, only to be found in the same position a few minutes later. He didn’t like giving Pomfrey trouble, for all she had done for him, but Lucas’ quiet laughter and murmurs of _my koala_ were addicting. 

 

Remus adjusted his leg strewn across his boyfriend, trying to prevent it from falling asleep. He was feeling up for more than just being read to so they had started playing a drawing game. Lucas would draw an object or figure slowly and Remus had to correctly guess what it was before Lucas finished. He didn’t get any rewards for guessing faster, but the smug satisfaction was good enough. 

 

“A fire! No, um a phoenix rising from a fire? Wait, what’s that? Is it a bear? James’ hair?” Remus spat out his questions without a pause, working through his thoughts.

 

Lucas was becoming more tricky with how he drew, drawing out of order and disjointed to trick Remus.

 

“There’s a second fire. It’s — it _has_ to be fire. A duel campfire? _Incendio_ gone wrong? Is this a metaphor for us; our love for each other is like burning flames engulfing us, powerful and indestructible and hot — ”

 

Lucas’ neat handwork faltered, lines turning squiggly as he shook with silent giggles.

 

“A menace, you are,” he laughed and Remus squeezed his arms around his midsection tighter in response. “It’s Eldred’s bushy eyebrows!”

 

“What?”

 

Lucas picked up the quill and made a curved stroke — a large, round nose. 

 

“Oh, it really is!” Remus stared down at the obvious beginnings of their Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher’s face. He didn’t think he’d ever been this excited about a nose before.

 

After Pomfrey lectured them on how being quiet and calm is good for the soul, Remus had finally relented in lying down on his back, but he pressed the entire length of his left side against Lucas. Lucas toyed with Remus’ curls, fingertips lightly brushing his scalp. He purred in content.

 

“Are you a cat or koala now?”

 

Remus huffed at the teasing. “I’m a Remus.”

 

“Ah, I’ve heard of those. Nasty little lazy buggers.”

 

Remus bared his teeth and faked an attempt at biting the Ravenclaw’s hand. He closed his eyes and smiled at the responding warm chuckles. 

 

Sleepiness seeped in slowly and thickly.

 

“Tired?”

 

“Mmm.”

 

“Shall I leave you to rest? I don’t want to keep you up any longer.”

 

“No. Stay.”

 

Remus fell asleep before he could hear Lucas’ soft _alright._


	31. You Make Me Feel Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius has a Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit I forget to give a warning, sorry!! tw: internalized homophobia and homophobic comment

“He’s disgusting.”

 

“Who?”

 

“Him! Why’s he even at our table? It’s not allowed.”

 

“Lucas? There’s nothing saying he’s not allowed. Dumbledore said something about school unity at the beginning of the year, didn’t he?”

 

James dropped down between Sirius and Peter, grinning at the two.

 

“What’s going on?” He asked, grabbing a piece of toast.

 

“Sirius thinks Lucas and Moony are disgusting,” Peter quipped.

 

Sirius shot him a nasty look and muttered that he thought _Lucas_ was disgusting. James sighed deeply and rubbed his face, his morning cheeriness slipping away.

 

“I know you don’t like Lucas,” James started, keeping his voice low. “But objectively, why are they so repulsive to you? It seems as if you believe nobody can be gay and should be shamed for it, but somehow if you and Remus were together it’s alright.”

 

James was trying to be better at coming off as neutral so as not to provoke Sirius or make him feel attacked.

 

Sirius struggled to reply. “It’s, it’s just not right. Unnatural. Look at them — no one wants to see _that_.”

 

James and Peter looked to where Sirius was pointing. Remus looked jumpy, his shoulders tensed and face drawn in tightly. Lucas slid an arm around his waist and pressed a chaste kiss to Remus’ temple. Lucas unwrapped his arm as soon as Remus melted and smiled softly at him.

 

It was a quick moment, lasted only a handful of seconds, not noticeable to anyone who wasn’t intently watching them. Sirius had sounded scandalized, as if they were naked in the Great Hall.

 

Peter stifled an aw.

 

“Okay,” James placated. “But if you were in Lucas’ place, everything would be fine?”

 

Sirius answered instantly. “Yes. Well, no. I mean, we’re — different! We’re soulmates and even though it’s not natural, it’s still _right_ for us to be together. But we’d never flaunt it like them.” Sirius grimaced. “We’d do it behind closed doors because it’s still wrong. We’re the exception.”

 

It was too much to deal with for only being awake twenty minutes and James ditched the conversation, turning to ask Peter if he did the homework for Charms. 

 

Sirius kept thinking about the question and it followed him throughout the day. When he was a child, his mother had spat obscenities at a gay couple in public. Sirius’ own stomach flipped uncomfortably at the sight of it, so she must have been right. He would never admit his mother being right in any other aspect, but this he agreed on.

 

At Hogwarts, in escaping Filch in second year, Sirius had run into an empty classroom where two girls were kissing and it left a coppery taste on his tongue. In fourth year, he was in a similar situation except this time it was two boys and he felt even worse. It made his throat burn with acid and he ignored Moony weeks afterward.

 

He knew loads of people felt the same. Why didn’t James and Remus' other stupid friends feel the same, too? Remus and Lucas didn’t bother them one bit. It wasn’t even a Thing to them, they weren’t repulsed by Remus and Lucas and they weren't obsessing over how cute they were together (which they _weren’t_ ), it was if they hardly acknowledged it. As if they were the same as Alice and Frank!

 

It gave Sirius a lot to think about. He lied a bit to James. He didn’t think he’d ever feel right about Remus and himself being together. But he’d rather Remus be with him than anyone else. 

 

———

 

Sirius sat in the common room, throwing balls of parchment into the fire and watching them burn. Every few minutes his eyes were drawn to the empty armchair.

 

“Dude, a Hippogriff would be _way_ better than a Niffler!”

 

A group of rowdy third years sat at a table near Sirius. He gritted his teeth as they fell into another pointless debate, their raised voices demolishing his peace.

 

One of them scoffed. “You could never have one as a pet, you’re too much of an asshole. You have to be non-threatening and bow to them, something you’d never manage with that fat ego.”

 

Sirius anticipated the Hippogriff fanatic’s anger and was surprised to hear them laugh in response and admitting it was true. 

 

Then the words dug into his brain.

 

If you wanted a Hippogriff to accept you, you had to move slowly and be exceedingly friendly…

 

———

 

“Morning, Remus.”

 

Sirius didn’t know if Remus didn’t hear him or chose to ignore the greeting, but his determination stayed strong.

 

———

 

“Morning, Remus,” Sirius said, this time louder and using the neutral tone James used with him when he didn’t want Sirius to get angry.

 

Remus looked at him — aha! — but it was definitely a glare. Sirius flinched, hating himself the second it happened (he was not _weak_ ), but a flash of pleased satisfaction crossed Remus’ face.

 

Okay, not what Sirius wanted, but that could be considered a positive reaction. 

 

Maybe flinching was like bowing.

 

“Good day?” James asked at breakfast and Sirius only felt a little guilty, knowing he was advancing in a yellow situation.

 

———

 

Sirius waited a few days before doing something again. He was good at strategy and smart in nearly every aspect of life. He was going to crack this if it was the last thing he did.

 

———

 

Sirius slid in the empty seat next to Remus in DADA. 

 

Remus exchanged seats with Lily, who proceeded to blatantly ignore Sirius all class.

 

———

 

Sirius slid in the seat next to James, who sat next to Remus.

 

“Red!”

 

Sirius moved.

 

———

 

Sirius slid in the seat next to Peter, whose seat was next to James, whose seat was next to Remus.

 

Peter kept throwing him quizzical looks (the two of them hardly interacted anymore), but Remus didn’t move.

 

_Success._

 

_———_

 

This new focus was making him come back to life. He hadn’t had any nightmares and seeing Regulus in the corridors didn’t give him cold sweats.

 

Remus made all the bad things easy to forget.

 

———

 

“Hi — ”

 

“Don’t fucking say anything Black. I’m not in the fucking mood. Go bother someone else.”

 

A reaction, no matter how negative, was better than being ignored. Sirius went silent but not without a smirk. He hoped that Ravenclaw was the cause of Remus’ pissy mood.

 

Sirius’ excitement was squashed later when he saw the stupid blond giving a very tired Remus a piggy back ride from the library.

 

———

 

The thing was, Sirius had been so angry the past year about how he was right and Remus should apologize, that he didn’t give Remus’ temporary boy toy much thought.

 

But now, the Ravenclaw was all he could think about and how very not temporary he seemed to be.

 

How was Sirius supposed to woo Remus when he was never alone?

 

Hot flames of jealousy licked his insides when Remus _sat at the Ravenclaw table._

 

What the hell was that all about? The Moony he knew hated meeting and being around new people. That idiot blond was probably disregarding Moony’s feelings. Sirius treated him much better when they were together.

 

———

 

“You alright, love?”

 

Remus knocked his shoulder with Lucas’, bowing his head to whisper.

 

“Yeah, I’m glad we’re here. Marty is fantastic.”

 

Remus looked up and confirmed that Lucas’ ears were indeed burning red. Marty, the girl with unbrushed black curls, had been blabbing about all the dorky, lovey things Lucas said about Remus in the common room.

 

“But I feel okay,” Remus added, “still a little anxious and I feel like everyone is staring at me but they’re all so nice and funny. We should sit here more.”

 

“Should I be worried?”

 

“Not for a minute. You’ll always be my favorite Ravenclaw. Even when you smell like shit after Quidditch practice.”

 

———

 

Sirius took to checking the Map again but only when Moony didn’t sleep in their dorm, so he felt like he should be excused for that. He was simply worried about Moony’s safety, that was all.

 

Warmth filled him every time he saw Moony was in the girls’ dormitory and not in that disgusting boy’s.

 

Remus couldn’t like the Ravenclaw that much, then. Remus and Sirius used to sleep in the same bed even when they were just friends.

 

_Take that, whatever your name is._

 

_———_

 

“I’m so proud of how hard you're working,” James said in the middle of a chess game. “You’re really focusing on yourself and it’s showing.”

 

Even Peter made a sound of acknowledgment. 

 

Sirius shrugged. 

 

———

 

His blasting music sessions suddenly morphed to quiet love songs.

 

———

 

Sirius wondered how long it would be before he could ask Moony to let Padfoot help at full moons.

 

———

 

Moony, Peter, and James disappeared for hours at a time but there was no clear pattern to why. Sirius realized they’d been doing this for months, how had he not noticed? Were they sneaking into Hogsmeade without him, planning pranks?

 

He could never find the Map during these times and he had a suspicion that James was taking it with him on purpose.

 

Sirius’ anger surfaced, demanding to know why they didn’t see how much better he was becoming. He deserved to be included.

 

———

 

“You better watch yourself, Black.” Dorcas narrowed her eyes, venom in her voice. “You stay away from him.”

 

Before he could react, she stormed away.

 

Sirius took it as a good sign. Remus must be noticing all the small things he was doing and those girls were being annoyingly protective. Dorcas was trying to shoo Sirius away. If she had to tell him to back off, that must meant she didn’t trust Remus to stay away on his own, which meant that Remus was warming up to Sirius.

 

That same day, Frank locked eyes with him and cracked his knuckles.

 

Sirius had an extra bounce in his step.

 

———

 

“ARGH!”

 

Lily came out of the bathroom, drying her hair with a towel.

 

“Why are you so agitated?”

 

Remus moaned into the pillow and then rolled on his back.

 

“Black. He’s everywhere! With this weird smile and chipper hellos. It’s getting on my nerves.”

 

Lily twisted her hair up into a bun and stuck her wand through it. She sat down next to Remus on her bed and brushed away his curls. 

 

“Do you want us to do something about it? Alice has a list of wicked revenge pranks for anyone we deem worthy.”

 

“How do people think she’s the sweet one?”

 

Lily rolled her eyes. “Like you’re one to talk. McGonagall thinks you’re an angel sent from the heavens.”

 

Remus blew a raspberry. Yawning, he shook his head.

 

“He’s not worth it. It’s best to ignore and not egg him on. It’s just annoying.”

 

Lily nodded. “You want to get hot chocolate from the kitchens before prefect rounds?”

 

Remus lit up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for commenting on recent chapters! It makes my day and motivates me to find more time to write : )


	32. A Question Not To Be Handled Lightly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James has a question and the group takes a break

April brought rain and blooming wildflowers, green grass, and chirping birds. Spring was here, a time of hope and rebirth — exactly the opposite of what was going on with Remus and Company.

 

Remus, James, Peter, and the Girls were straining over the pile up of homework. The closer they approached the end of the school year, the more their professors were motivated to prepare them for their seventh year N.E.W.T.s.

 

But for all their moaning and groaning — and crying (James) — their seventh year friends had even higher levels of stress. With only two months until exams, their pressure to study and do well was a constant and endless torture. 

 

Their timetable for Bloody Hell training now consisted of scratched and crossed out lines declaring studying, studying, studying.

 

When they did have time to escape for dueling practice, they were a hot mess. Sometimes it went really well, almost suspiciously so, and they took out all their worry and frustration out on the stone mannequins. Other times, happening more frequently, one or multiple people had breakdowns. 

 

Someone went too hard when dueling, someone else was overly disappointed in their efforts, another got worked up by simply being disarmed. Squabbles were not uncommon.

 

It wasn’t putting a strain on friendships, everyone rebounded fairly quickly and nothing cut too deep, still, Bloody Hell some days could be actual hell. 

 

It all came to a breaking point on the first Sunday of the month.

 

“I have a question,” James said to the group. 

 

They all were sitting next to the small pond in Bloody Hell, lounging on the rocks and dipping their toes into the lukewarm water. The quiet between everyone was just starting to become peaceful before James broke it.

 

Immediately, Remus tensed, knowing what James was going to ask.

 

“I don’t want to ambush you in front of everyone but I want to ask,” James had pleaded days before. “I don’t want to pressure you but I would like to know if you’d be okay if I asked.”

 

Remus didn’t know what to say then and he didn’t now. He gave James the approval to ask; he always felt guilty that James had to be the middleman.

 

“Suspicious,” Marlene voiced from the ground, sprawled out and soaking up the sun. She kept her eyes closed.

 

“Well, I know how you all will react,” James defended, “but I thought it at least deserved a discussion and, uh, it would be, er, beneficial…”

 

“Oi,” Fabian interrupted, “just spit it out.”

 

“Yeah, out with it,” Gideon added, tossing a rock and watching the ripples it made.

 

James opened his mouth and Remus braced himself for the impact the next words would make.

 

“I think we should invite Sirius to join us.”

 

Several people called out at once, mainly the Girls and Frank, with various degrees of incredulity and anger.

 

“You have to be _joking!”_

 

“Potter, you slimy, ignorant, arse — ” 

 

“What the bloody hell are you thinking?”

 

“Over my dead fucking body!”

 

Remus didn’t realize Lucas moved, slid off the boulder to sit next to him on the ground, until he laced their fingers together. He raised their intertwined hands and kissed the top of Remus’ knuckles. Remus answered Lucas’ silent question with a nod and leaned forward to press his face into the broad chest.

 

“I say we leave it up to Rem,” Lily interjected, raising her voice above the others.

 

Becoming the source of the group’s undivided attention was unnerving and Remus fought the urge to pull up Lucas’ shirt and hide his head underneath it. He lifted his head off of Lucas, giving Lucas’ hand a squeeze and gaining strength from the returned squeeze.

 

“I don’t — ” Remus cut himself off abruptly. Shaking his head and shrugging, he wearily finished his thoughts. “I’m not stepping in the way of this decision. I don’t know. Jamie has his reasons.”

 

“And what are they?” Frank demanded.

 

Feeling a touch of amusement, and wanting to relax Lucas’ tense body, Remus tilted his head to the side and murmured, “Big brother versus mama bear. This shall be entertaining.”

 

Lucas didn’t chuckle or even smile but he pressed a kiss to the top of Remus’ head. He stayed silent for the debate and Remus wondered what his thoughts were.

 

The discussion powered on, for so long that Remus started spacing out and planned the order in which he’d do his homework for the night. 

 

Caradoc, Benjy, the twins, Davey, and Edgar all pointed to Frank, declaring they would vote whichever way he did, seeing as they knew next to nothing on the matter and when in doubt, everyone trusted Frank’s opinion. The word abusive had been thrown around a few times, however, so they were starting to get a rough picture of why everyone was so fussed.

 

“Black always seemed off to me,” Benjy added in at one point and Frank smiled proudly.

 

The best anti-Black argument was why should they teach him things he could use against them. His ever-shifting moods didn’t help the matter and people provided numerous examples of times Sirius had been reckless and looking to hurt. They danced around the subject of how it would affect Remus, though everyone was aware he was the center of the problem, and kept insisting Black wasn’t good for anyone’s mental health.

 

“We’re not his babysitters and admit it, that’s what it would be like. _No, don’t do that or that or that. This is how to behave like a normal fucking person_. He’s a liability!”

 

James, poor James with only a bit of help from ambivalent Peter, did his best to listen and respond kindly to each person. He argued back that Sirius would be working with them sooner or later. He was no doubt going to be recruited into the Order, seeing as he was one of the brightest in their year.

 

“How will you feel getting assigned to him as your partner? For watch? What if you’re attacked and he’s your only ally? Would you trust him to have your back?” James pressed, “Would you feel safe with his abilities, having never practiced before?”

 

It was a strong point. Even Remus was a bit impressed. The others seemed to think so as well, though Lily and Dorcas looked frustrated that they agreed.

 

“He’s doing a lot better.” James earnestly rushed, now that everyone had quieted. “I don’t know why but he’s been improving. His moods have evened out. He’s actually calm!”

 

Alice snorted. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

 

Lucas, at last, spoke up. “I think we should take a break.”

 

Everyone turned. Remus pressed himself closer to his boyfriend’s side in support of whatever he would say.

 

“Everyone’s been pretty tense even before all of this,” Lucas waved his hand, referencing the charged air, “with exams and studying and lessons, it’s all a little too much. 

 

“We’ve been meeting for months now and we’ve grown a lot stronger. We’re slowly coming up with less and less things to do and practice. I think we all deserve a break. Calm our heads, prioritize school work, use extra time to de-stress.

 

“And we can think over James’ question. Regroup in a week or few, once tempers have settled down and every point has been considered.”

 

Everyone took a few breaths, mulling the proposal over. It sounded nice — really nice — to take some time off.

 

“You haven’t said anything on the issue,” Davey brought up. “What’s your stance?”

 

“You go with Frank’s opinion,” Lucas brushed his thumb over Remus’. “I go with Remus’. Whatever he decides, I’m with it.”

 

———

 

Lucas and Remus started religiously attending their morning library meet-ups again. Lucas needed the extra time to finish homework and Remus liked to keep company.

 

“You look too tired,” Remus commented, peering up at the Ravenclaw from under his eyelashes.

 

They were sitting in their special row, between library shelves. Lucas had a large Charms textbook propped on his knees, his back pressed against the stacked books as his eyes ran over the words. Remus lied beside him, his head resting near Lucas’ feet, alternating between studying Lucas’ face and daydreaming about the pirate Muggle book he was reading. 

 

His boyfriend’s eyes flickered to him for a moment and a smile tugged at his lips. 

 

“I thought that was my line.”

 

“Ha. Ha.” Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m tired even when I get enough sleep.”

 

Lucas frowned at that, the worrywart, and Remus shifted around until he could sit up. Leaning forward, he smoothed away the wrinkle between the two blond eyebrows. Lucas hummed, leaning into the touch.

 

“Why’re you so tired?” Remus asked softly.

 

“I’ve been having trouble sleeping and N.E.W.T.s are keeping me up when,” Lucas yawned loudly, “I can sleep.” 

 

“Time for a nap then.”

 

“What?”

 

Remus took the Charms book away and set it next to their bags. He pulled the extra jumper he always carried around out of his bag and set it down on his lap.

 

“C’mon,” he said, wrapping a warm hand around Lucas’ neck and guiding his head down.

 

“I need to study,” Lucas protested but didn’t lift his head off the fuzzy sweater.

 

“You need to sleep,” Remus countered, using a hand to massage slow circles into his boyfriend’s head.

 

Lucas made a gurgled happy sound and his body went limp. 

 

“This is nice,” he mumbled.

 

Remus smiled, enjoying being the one to taking care of the other.

 

———

 

The Girls gathered on Dorcas’ bed. They had waited a few days to relax and enjoy having free time before discussing Sirius.

 

“We love James,” Alice admitted. “But he’s blind when it comes to Black.”

 

“Fucking mental, is what you mean,” Dorcas corrected.

 

Lily was oddly quiet. She was still angry at James, the debate had thrown a wedge in their budding friendship. She knew Remus was a priority to him, but he also had Black. Lily’s sole priority, on the other hand, was only Rem and she would not take his safety lightly. 

 

Side-eyeing the quiet redhead, Marlene stated the obvious. “We all know Black is up to something. We’ve all heard Remus complain about the asshole bugging him.”

 

“It’s like he thinks they can be friends.”

 

“But it’s a bit different than the start of January. He is… calmer, in a way. I’d rather hex myself than admit he’s getting better but he hasn’t overstepped boundaries in a while.”

 

“Oh, fantastic! Should we give him a cookie? Job well done for being a basic human being?”

 

“Oh, piss off.”

 

A silence followed.

 

“I hate it but Potter had a point. If Black and I have to work together at some point, it would be a death sentence. He has no finesse, he just does whatever comes to mind. No skill beyond natural talent.”

 

“Bloody Hell is nice, though. He’d ruin that. There’d be no more fun if we let him in.”

 

“It’s not supposed to be fun, though, is it? We’re supposed to be preparing for war.”

 

“What about Remus? I couldn’t call myself a friend if I willingly let that abusive shit near him.”

 

“He has us. And Frank and Pettigrew, I guess — he doesn’t seem to like Black much. We’d be walls to separate the two.”

 

“Obviously, we’d never let them go up against each other.”

 

“Still doesn’t feel right, does it? Tell me you wouldn’t — you don’t feel guilty.”

 

Another silence consumed them. Alice grabbed a pillow and smacked Dorcas.

 

“I can’t believe you said everything’s dull without Remus’ drama. You jinxed us!”

 

Alice, like Frank, had the ability to break the tension in a room. Even Lily huffed a laugh.

 

“Okay,” Lily finally spoke, having listened to the three bicker enough. “Here’s what we do. We don’t come to a decision and we don’t indicate whichever side we’re leaning towards to the others. We focus on Black. If he’s ‘improving’, then I want proof.”

 

“And we keep him from Remus,” Marlene added, on board with the plan. “No more trying to reconcile friendship.”

 

Dorcas grinned. “Let’s see if he can behave himself without Rem being around to see.”

 

“Operation Black Attack reinstated?” Alice asked.

 

“Affirmative,” Lily, Dorcas, and Marlene chorused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter murdered me. I don't know why it was so hard to write but everything's been so slow paced for chapters and I feel like I'm trudging through molasses to get to the next big plot point.   
> Thanks to everyone who is sticking through it all with me! : )


	33. Warm Dirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius joins the meetings at Bloody Hell, Marlene has a breakdown, and Remus has questions

James stood by what he said at their last meeting.

 

If anyone had trouble brewing in their friendship group, James would earnestly tell the person to keep their eyes wide open and intervene before things got out of hand. 

 

Because being a middleman? It _sucked._

 

He wasn’t angry or resentful toward anyone, he was just tired and stressed. He loved Remus dearly, and truthfully, he considered Remus as his best friend. 

 

Sirius was his brother even if they weren’t related by blood. They were brothers. James had said so in second year. He couldn’t abandon Sirius. He would never forgive Sirius for how he hurt Remus but he couldn’t leave him, especially after last summer. Sirius had no home without James.

 

James didn’t give up on people.

 

Sirius could get better — he was getting better! Sirius didn’t have to be a lost cause.

 

So, James was pushed and pulled by the tide between his best friend and his brother. 

 

Despite this, he was happier than he’d ever been with all the new friends he’d made. He only wished Sirius could be a part of it, though he knew that could never happen. He at least owed it to Sirius to include him at Bloody Hell. Honestly, he should have spoken up earlier but he didn’t have the energy for a debate.

 

James’ worries had merit. Lily has been avoiding him, not quite ignoring. It hurt even though he understood. He wasn’t going to apologize for believing Sirius should fight with them but he wished he could say something to bring back the friendship they had formed. He hoped she’d cool down quickly because he missed her — her bright eyes, quick wit, intense compassion. 

 

She just didn’t understand his relationship with Sirius. She talked of how she cut off Snape when he went dark. Hot anger curled inside of James when he remembered what the slimy git had called her. She had placed a hand on his arm, biting her lip, looking hesitant to say what she wanted next.

 

“Sometimes people grow apart and into different people. There comes a point where you have to stop making excuses for their mistakes and see that there’s nothing you can do. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re not responsible for someone else’s problems. ”

 

James replayed the conversation in his head at night. He didn’t feel like he excused Sirius’ mistakes. He told Sirius upfront if he was being an asshole. James felt like this was completely different than Snape.

 

James’ mother always said love makes people foolish. James supposed it was true.

 

He hoped he was aware of how foolish it made him and that love wasn't pulling wool over his eyes.

 

———

 

Remus tensed, a shot of someone else’s worry passing through him. He shot up, excusing himself from studying with Peter and ran to the Gryffindor tower.

 

It was his connection with Lily, the weird tug they could feel when the other was in trouble. He’d never been on the receiving end much and he had a wave of sympathy for her, who had dealt with this far more times than he. 

 

It was absolutely terrifying, knowing something was wrong but being blind to what it was.

 

His feet led him through the common room and up the girl’s dormitory staircase.

 

“Lily?” He shouted, bursting into the Girls’ room.

 

Marlene sat on the ground, clutching a pillow to her chest with Alice, Dorcas, and Lily surrounding her. Lily looked up, confused, then realized and explained she was alright.

 

“Well, I’m not,” Marlene said, seeming to go for a dry humor but it ended up coming out wet and emotional.

 

Remus came over and sat down between Lily and Dorcas, crossing his legs. 

 

“Tell a poor sinner your woes?”

 

Marlene blinked at him and snort-laughed. The three other girls huffed a relieved sigh — they hadn’t been able to get even a small smile out of her the past hour.

 

“Do you even know what you’re saying half the time?”

 

Remus shrugged, offering a gentle smile. “Your woes?”

 

Marlene took a shuddering breath.

 

It was complicated and simple all at once. Marlene had been involved with Esperanza for quite some time. It wasn’t a secret relationship, they didn’t feel like labels and it was a nice thing to keep to themselves. Remus could easily see why; Marlene would be happier with something so intimate and personal to be kept to herself. No one was offended she didn’t tell them (they all kind of knew), it was a very Marlene thing and it wasn’t her keeping something from them.

 

But they’d broken apart, decided to take some time away from each other. No hard feelings and actually on Marlene’s terms.

 

“Is it stupid, being so upset when I’m the one who ended it?” 

 

They were lying in a bundle, limbs strewn across each other. The room had been pulled into its usual emergency mode — all the mattresses on the floor and stitched together, blankets and pillows aplenty. Halfway through Marlene talking, Remus had wordlessly handed her a chocolate bar from his pocket. 

 

She’d said she wasn’t him and chocolate wouldn’t make her sadness go away and then proceeded to eat the whole thing in practically one bite. (And seemed more cheerful after, Remus would like to silently add).

 

“Not any stupider than normal,” Dorcas said. 

 

Remus was lying on his stomach and Dorcas had herself half-splayed on top his back. She had her chin in hand, propped up by her elbow that was digging into Remus’ spine. 

 

Marlene, who lied on her back, head in Lily’s lap, stared at the ceiling. She didn’t rise to Dorcas’ bait.

 

“I like her. I really like her. She’s Raz, how can I _not_ like her, you know?” They all make a collective _mhm_. “But I didn’t…I knew I would never love-love her. It just wasn’t there. Nice, yeah, but I knew it wouldn’t be more. And that’s not fair to her.”

 

“You did the right thing, Marls,” Alice said. Lily, Remus, and Dorcas _mhm-_ ed.

 

“Being heartbroken over not being able to have your heart broken by someone sucks.”

 

There’s a lull in which they fall silent, letting the warm, calm feeling among them sit.

 

“This is nice,” Marlene spoke up again, sounding lighter. She twisted her head in Lily’s lap to look at Remus. “No wonder you’re always getting into trouble. It’s nice being dotted upon.”

 

There was no sting to her words and Remus blew a raspberry at her, making sure to give it extra spit. He cocked his head at her responding scowl, thinking.

 

“You know what,” he started. Marlene looked at him with suspicion. “Have you truly experienced being coddled if Dorky hasn’t sung to you?”

 

Remus watched horror fill Marlene’s brown eyes and felt the sharp pain of Dorcas digging her elbow in and then pushing off. Alice immediately moved over and took her place, smooshing herself against Remus, as Dorcas sucked in a big breath.

 

———

 

The Order-to-be took a week and a half off. They decide — grudgingly, very grudgingly — that James was right. 

 

The Girls spent five hours discussing it over and over. They had observed Black with careful eyes but he was suspiciously okay. No breakdowns. No bullying others. And most importantly, no bothering Remus. They assumed that was only because Black realized they were watching him and knew to be on best behavior. Which meant Black was giving Remus space not because he knew it was the right thing but because he knew that was what he was supposed to do. 

 

Obviously not ideal, but as long as the distance remained between him and Remus, he was passable.

 

Surprisingly (or maybe _not_ surprisingly), Frank was the hardest to convince. He was absolutely adamant in keeping Black out. Not even Alice could sway him. In the end it, Peter was the one who made him see sense. 

 

People truly underestimated Peter. He simply appealed to Frank’s logical, strategic side, which usually prevailed over emotions, and talked him down. 

 

The Girls were in and Frank was in, which meant Edgar, Caradoc, Benjy, Davey, and the twins were also in. Peter liked to be the neutral party but once the majority made their decision, he followed.

 

Which left Lucas and Remus.

 

———

 

“Hey.”

 

Remus and Lucas looked up as Frank made their way towards them. They were sitting up in the astronomy tower on a Friday evening. Remus was sitting crisscrossed and Lucas was lying down with his head in Remus’ lap. Remus’ hand stilled in surprise before resuming massaging his boyfriend’s head.

 

“Mind if I sit with you guys?” Frank actually waited for them to say yes before sitting down.

 

Lucas tilted his head up to share a concerned look with Remus. Frank pretended not to notice. 

 

Today was supposed to be the first Bloody Hell meeting with Black. Everyone came to a decision that Remus should skip the next few meetings while everyone adjusted. Remus and Lucas had their first ever fight; Lucas refused to go without Remus and Remus didn’t want to keep Lucas from things he needed to do, especially since Lucas was going to join the actual Order in less than six months. They put the topic on a back burner when they couldn’t compromise. 

 

Later that evening, Lucas burst into tears from the stress of N.E.W.T. studying, Quidditch practices and being Captain, and the lack of sleep he was getting from staying up late doing homework. Remus decided they’d miss more than just a few meetings — Lucas needed a break more than he did and now it was Remus who refused to the Ravenclaw’s side.

 

Frank, though? He was supposed to be at the meeting.

 

Remus could tell Lucas wanted to ask Frank what happened but Remus knew it was best to ignore and pretend nothing was unusual.

 

“Frank,” Remus said, watching him tense up immediately. “Is it possible that your face got even more ugly since I saw you last?”

 

Frank’s body relaxed instantly and he barked a surprised laugh, a flash of relief lighting up his eyes.

 

“I’d say the same to you but,” Frank paused, fingers tapping his chin as he considered Remus, “I really don’t think it’s possible for your face to get more ugly.”

 

Lucas tried to stifle giggles but Remus heard and revoked his hair-petting. “You’re supposed to defend my honor!”

 

“Yeah, Lucas, Remus is your damsel in distress.”

 

“I am _not!_ ”

 

Frank smirked and tilted his head back to look at the sky, letting a silence envelop them. It was a comfortable sort of melancholy.

 

After some time, Frank tilted his body until it was slumped against Remus’ and rested his head on Remus’ shoulder. 

 

“You two are my best friends, you know that, right?” Frank paused and added, “I love the guys so much — Fab, Gid, Davey, Edgar, and the others. 

 

“But you two are slightly above.” He showed them his thumb and pointer finger, a small space in between. “My best friends.”

 

Remus, eyes burning, rested his head on top of Frank’s.

 

“We love you too,” he said.

 

“You and Rem are mine too,” Lucas added wetly.

 

Frank snorted. “Damn right.”

 

———

 

Sirius swallowed his anger over Prongs keeping these dueling practices a secret from him. He didn’t know if it was better or worse than if James had been sneaking them to Hogsmeade.

 

Worse, definitely worse, he decided when he saw they had been meeting at the special place in the forest. The one the marauders had found when Sirius was still allowed to come as Padfoot during transformations.

 

His heart ached suddenly and fiercely. A nostalgic hurt.

 

It didn’t help that everyone was keeping a wide berth of space from him. Prongs bumped shoulders with him but even he was stiff. Those four silly girls wouldn’t look at him. The other boys — were those two Hufflepuffs? Who the fuck invited _Hufflepuffs —_ sent indiscreet glances at him, too curious.

 

Moony wasn’t even with them. Sirius felt himself deflate into bitterness. He wanted Moony to see him behave nicely with everyone. 

 

He could physically feel how unwanted he was.

 

But everyone should know Sirius Black never backed down from a challenge. Besides, he lived in The Noble and Ancient House of Black for sixteen years.

 

He was more familiar with being unwanted then anything.

 

He tried not to think about how the disgusting Ravenclaw wasn’t there also and pretended that didn’t mean he must be with Sirius’ precious Moony.

 

———

 

When the Girls came back from Bloody Hell, they insisted Remus sleep in their room. Remus was already planning to, still worried about Marlene and her break-up, but he saw how tired out they were from being around Black and decided that he wasn’t going to just sleep with them — they were going to have a slumber party.

 

Mattresses pushed together. Fairy lights. Desserts from the kitchens. The whole shebang.

 

By the end of the evening, everyone’s spirits were creeping higher and higher. Marlene even asked Dorcas to do a duet with her. Lily and Remus did an outlandish interpretive dance to their singing while Alice took several pictures, crying from laughter.

 

———

 

The second time Sirius joined them, it was a smidge better. The crippling silence had broken and everyone talked among each other, goofing off when dueling. They didn’t make an effort to include Sirius but he was more focused on improving his skills. 

 

He didn’t like being so noticeably behind everyone.

 

———

 

Lucas and Remus took advantage of the free time (Frank had decided to attend the meeting) and searched the library for poetry books. It was something neither of them had thought about. Arts didn’t seem to be much of an interest in the wizarding world, at least not at Hogwarts, and the idea that wizards must have written poetry too was…weird.

 

“Hey, Lucas.” Remus nudged Lucas’ foot.

 

“Hm?” Lucas looked up from his thick book, looking adorable dazed.

 

Remus coughed dramatically, straightening his shoulders. “‘Your love surrounds me like the warmest dirt / if someone were to remove me from you, my cries would be as fatal as a mandrake’.”

 

“Oh my god.” Lucas’ mouth opened and closed. “I don’t know if that’s the best or worst thing I’ve ever heard. Oscar Wilde is turning in his grave!”

 

Remus set the book containing the poem down and sidled up to his boyfriend, taking the thick book away and dropping it onto the ground ( _Remus!_ Lucas gasped in horror). He wrapped his hands around the back of Lucas’ neck and leaned forward.

 

“Your love surrounds me like the warmest dirt,” he whispered.

 

Lucas’ eyes fell to Remus’ lips for a second before he realized what Remus had said. Not being able to hold it together anymore, Remus unwrapped his arms and bent over in laughter.

 

Lucas shoved him and he stumbled sideways. “You’re the absolute worst! Jesus. What does that even _mean_? How is love like dirt? How is dirt warm?”

 

Remus leaned against the book shelves and crossed his arms, suppressing giggles. “Well, there’s this thing called the sun, which you may have heard of, and when it shines on something, the something’s temperature rises after time.”

 

Lucas narrowed his eyes but they were too warm and affectionate to be harsh. “If you’re going to be rude, I’ll show you just how much I love you the next time we’re outside.” He smiled sweetly. “I hope you like dirt down your robes.”

 

Remus’ heart skipped a beat at Lucas saying _love._ He didn’t mean love-love. Right? They’ve never said it to each other in that way. Was Lucas in love with him? Was he in love with Lucas?

 

“You alright, love?”

 

Aw, jeez. _Get together, Lupin. He always calls you love._ He ducked his head, avoiding Lucas’ concerned gaze and attempting to hide his rapidly warming cheeks.

 

“I think, uh, er, I just want to sit down. My legs are getting tired. Yeah.”

 

Lucas immediately fussed over Remus, helping him to sit down and asking if he was having _those_ kind of pains (the full moon was in three days). Remus waved him off the best he could and they sat, side pressed to side, flipping through more poems.

 

Remus was in the middle of reading a poem about the author hating Scotland. It was actually quite good, Remus was pretty sure the land was a metaphor for an ex or someone who pissed off the poet.

 

“Rem?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“I’ll love until my dying breath / the philosopher’s stone would be my gift to you / so you could watch a thousand sunsets until you’re ready to go / my soul called to you the moment we met / how lucky I am that yours answered with kindness.” Lucas lifted his eyes off the page, locking eyes wit Remus. “But you’re a bloody tosser and I want to throw you to the giant squid.”

 

Remus went melting to gaping. “It does not say that!”

 

Lucas grinned, eyes flickering to the page. “Yes, it does.”

 

“No poet would right ‘bloody tosser’!” Remus went to grab the book but Lucas pulled it out of his reach. “Let me see.”

 

“Don’t you trust me, Rem?”

 

Remus and Lucas stared each other down. In moments they were wrestling on the ground, fighting over the book. It contrasted all the times Remus had wrestled with the marauders, which ended in bruises and an occasional broken nose. Lucas was exceedingly gentle, rough without any stabbing elbows.

 

Lucas pinned Remus down, holding Remus hands, which had been inches from the book, above his head. Remus squirmed, trying to flip them over, but Lucas was in prime shape from Quidditch practices. It was as if Remus weighed nothing more than a Quaffle to him.

 

They had been wrestling for a handful of minutes and yet the librarian had somehow not come to find them. Remus’ chest heaved, he was panting harder than Lucas was. The moon really was coming soon.

 

“Hello,” Lucas said, his face hovering above.

 

Remus felt very aware of the position they were in. “Hi.”

 

Lucas’ eyes fell to Remus’ lips again and then flickered back up to his eyes. Remus nodded.

 

Remus fell into the bliss that was Lucas Leal-Pan. By the time they broke apart, Remus was on top of Lucas. _When did that happen?_ Lucas’ eyes were still closed and Remus took the moment to just stare at him. His face was flushed a pretty pink and his hair was sticking up in tufts.

 

He bit his lip and laid his head down on Lucas’ chest, pressing a kiss to his throat. He listened to Lucas’ heart beat and breathed in rhythm with his.

 

When they eventually got up, prompted by Remus’ belly grumbling loudly, Remus grabbed Lucas’ book.

 

“I knew you were lying.” Remus flipped through the pages. “I don’t even see any part of the poem anywhere.”

 

“Oh, I made the whole thing up.” Lucas pulled his bag over his shoulder and held his hand out to Remus.

 

Remus waved his wand for the book to be put back in its rightful slot and launched himself onto Lucas’ back, ignoring the outstretched hand. He tried to focus on the piggyback ride and not the first part of the poem that Lucas apparently came up with by himself.

 

———

 

At the third meeting, Frank was banned from dueling Sirius.

 

Sirius thanked Dorcas while she healed the burns on his arm. She didn’t say anything back to him but he was pleased with her surprised and flustered reaction.

 

———

 

The fourth meeting, a few of Frank’s friends made strained small talk with Sirius. He tried to not look smug.

 

———

 

“Jamie?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Did you charm my bracelet into beeping every time it changes a compliment?”

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

“Oh really? So, the bracelet that _you_ gave me just so happened to start alerting me right after Muggles’ Studies, a class _we_ share?”

 

James schooled his expression into innocence. “It’s almost like magic, isn’t it?”

 

———

 

The full moon was fine. No injuries. Remus was really tired, though. He slept for nearly a day and a half afterward. 

 

When he woke up, there was an enormous stash of chocolate at his bedside, mostly frogs, courtesy of James Potter.

 

———

 

It was nearing two weeks since Black joined them. Bit by bit it was becoming more relaxing. 

 

James had been right — their duels with Black were really shitty. Their styles didn’t match up, he was slower and had none of the training and teaching the others had. 

 

If their first time fighting together had been during a mission, they would have been completely fucked.

 

Black and James hit it off pretty well, making a solid team. Everyone else was trying to figure out how to forge a connection with Black enough to fight well without becoming close to him.

 

Bloody Hell wasn’t the fun haven it used to be but Black wasn’t antagonizing anyone. He was kind of nice, to be honest. Things were alright.

 

———

 

Lily came and sat next to James by the fireplace. It was the first time she’d been alone with him in a long while.

 

“I still don’t think it was the right decision.” She bit her lip. “But it wasn’t entirely stupid, I suppose.”

 

James tentatively glanced up and Lily smiled, a little forced but sincere.

 

“Want to play gobstones? I have to warn you, I’m pretty great at it. I used to play the Muggle version as a kid.”

 

Remus smiled from across the common room, wondering what Lily must have said to make James nod his head so eagerly Remus thought it would snap off.

 

———

 

Snape, the greasy git, seemed to notice Sirius was in good moods more often. He’d mostly left Sirius alone the past year, smirking at him now and then, proud of being the cause of Sirius’ crumbling life. And Sirius had tired early on of hexing Snape in retaliation for threatening to out him to James in the middle of a corridor. Messing with Snape alone lacked all enjoyment. There was no one to share the victory with.

 

“How’s it feel watch that mutt fall in love with another man?” Snivellus sneered.

 

Sirius’ eyes found Remus quickly. He was eating breakfast, adorable except for the fact he was sitting at the Ravenclaw table and smiling at that idiot boy.

 

Sirius turned back and bared his teeth, keeping his voice cool as he said, “I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”

 

Snivellus followed Sirius’ gaze to the Gryffindor table where Evans was picking up toast from Prongs’ plate.

 

Sirius smiled smugly at the twitch in the Slytherin’s jaw. He slammed his shoulder into Snivellus as he walked past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not dead!
> 
> This chapter fell into friendship everywhere and I didn't realize until I read it over. Everyone just wants to love and be loved. 
> 
> I hope Marls' break-up isn't upsetting that no one ever got to see it. This actually dates all the way back to chapter 10 -- when she comes into the Girls' room happy and singing for no reason. It's also where Marlene was when someone would mention they had no idea where she sneaks off to. I would have put more of their relationship into the story but Marlene likes keeping things close and prying eyes away. The break-up is sad but I get an aromantic/demiromantic vibe from her and she's still figuring things out.
> 
> I think I had something else to say but I'm too tired. I feel bad I've been updating less than usual and I'm guilty of reading a bunch of fanfic instead of writing.. things are finally picking up speed again so I think I'll be motivated to post more.
> 
> Thank you for comments! I'm sorry it takes me so long to respond, they always make me smile


	34. Promise Me A Drama-Free Month

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus comes back to Bloody Hell and Sirius is having a rough week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flipendo is a jinx that knock the person backward

Sirius stared at the Bloody Hell timetable, his stomach doing flips. He’d gone to six meetings at this point and was beginning to look forward to them.

 

Sweat was soaking the back of his shirt from Quidditch practice and usually, he’d race into the shower but for some reason, he had had the urge to check the timetable.

 

Below the Tuesday meeting, scribbled in achingly familiar handwriting was _I’m coming._

 

Sirius’ good mood carried on to the next morning, not even deflating when an unfamiliar handwriting joined Remus’, claiming they were coming too.

 

———

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Remus rolled his eyes at Lucas. Internally, his stomach was twisting in knots but he wanted to put Lucas’ worrying at ease. He swallowed back the flash of nightmares he had the night before (actual memories of Black being mad at him when they were together suddenly twisting into scenarios of Black attacking him viscously in the Forbidden Forest) and plastered on as sincere of a smile he could.

 

“I’m alright, Lucas, honestly.” Remus pushed back a lock of Lucas’ fringe, his hand lingering on the warm skin.

 

Lucas worried his lip, a habit he’d been picking up again. “Okay. Promise to tell me if you get overwhelmed? Or if I’m being too overprotective? Don’t worry about bothering me because if you need me to take a step back I’m more than happy.”

 

Remus was tempted to roll his eyes again — if he could have his body permanently molded onto Lucas’ back for eternal piggyback rides he would. He let himself consider it, however.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe a little? I think if everyone babies me it will psych me out more than the actual meeting. Makes me think I should be having a breakdown.”

 

“Sure.” Lucas smiled. “Whatever you need.”

 

“Whatever I need, huh?” Remus smirked and tapped his fingers against his chin. “What if I need a big chocolate cake?”

 

Lucas raised an eyebrow but Remus could see the poorly hidden amusement.

 

“It’s life or death, Lucas,” Remus sighed.

 

Lucas huffed, a small chuckle escaping his mouth. “Alright, alright. Chocolate cake. Anything else, your majesty?”

 

“Piggyback?”

 

Lucas’ full out laughed this time, like a sudden on pour of musical rain, and he bent his knees, muttering something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like _lazy arse._ Remus blew a raspberry and hopped on, squeezing his legs tight around his boyfriend’s waist. He nestled his chin on top of Lucas’ shoulder and last night’s nightmares were but a distant memory.

 

———

 

“No funny business.”

 

Sirius raised his hands in mercy and pushed down his growing annoyance. Prongs furrowed his eyebrows so that they looked like one long caterpillar.

 

“We’re going into a yellow situation. Anything, no matter how tiny, is immediately red,” Prongs’ went on. His intense facial expression was starting to look constipated.

 

“I got it, Merlin’s pants, Prongs. Do you really not trust me to be a good person?”

 

Prongs’ face instantly crumpled and reformed into a mushy smile. He threw an arm around Sirius, pulling him into a headlock.

 

“Don’t be a git,” he said, giving Sirius a noogie and releasing him.

 

Sirius glowered without much heat and ran his fingers through his hair. He prided himself on his groomed good looks.

 

“It’s not about trust. It’s…” James struggled to find the right wording. “Sometimes you can’t control yourself.”

 

That stung. Sirius wasn’t going to lie, he was trying to be better about recognizing his emotions. But he suppressed it (he wasn’t quite as good with dealing with the emotions) and it was easier because this was Prongs. Prongs never meant it in a harsh way.

 

He nodded. “Yeah, I know. I’m trying to be better.”

 

“And I’m here to help,” Prongs reminded. He looked torn for a second and then roughly pulled Sirius in for a tight hug.

 

It was weird but…nice. Prongs used to hug him all the time and Sirius couldn’t place when that had stopped. He never really noticed. He relaxed his body and tentatively hugged back. He felt so touch-starved and a pang of loneliness rang thoughout him. He took a few deep breaths, trying to chase away the sad feeling. He hated sad feelings and how gross they felt. 

 

He was feeling them more and more these days.

 

———

 

The meeting was rough, to say the least.

 

Everyone built a wall around Remus and were back to regarding Black coldly or ignoring him altogether. Everything was mechanical, over the hour people grew less stiff but only slightly. Lily was teaching a series of new defense spells she found from a book she ordered and everyone had a hard time learning. Usually, people picked up things quickly but today everyone was off.

 

They moved onto practice dueling and it was sloppy, rookie mistakes were made and Dorcas was continuously busy healing small flesh wounds. 

 

Black was told red five times. Most of them he didn’t understand what he did wrong except for the time he asked James if he could duel Remus. James thanked Merlin and Godric that Sirius had the brains to ask him quietly and not the whole group.

 

Remus soon grew prickly with everyone glancing at him with eyes that were pitying even if they meant not to be. He wasn’t angry at them but it was still annoying as hell. He would rather everyone pretend this wasn’t weird and then it wouldn’t be. All the tension in the air was bringing up bad memories from third and fourth year and he was fighting back the urge to yell that he was fine.

 

Lucas was the only good one. He was making an effort to not glance at Remus but to instead be near and give small touches every now and then. A hand on his shoulder, the small of his back, knocking elbows. All fleeting but grounding. When Remus found a moment where he took a break from his growing frustration, he quickly pressed a kiss to Lucas’ cheek in thanks.

 

Lily was a godsend and had planned with Remus ahead of the time to leave halfway through the meeting for Prefect rounds. Everyone was so drained they collectively decided to end early and go back with them.

 

———

 

No one talked about the meeting but the next day Remus’ handwriting was on the timetable once again, proclaiming he was going to be coming to all meetings again.

 

———

 

James rounded the corner and immediately shouted, “Hey!”

 

Snape’s and Sirius’ heads snapped up and James was taken aback that Sirius was scowling just as deeply at him as Snape was.

 

“Potter come to say the day?” Snape sneered. “I’m surprised the leash on your dog isn’t tighter.”

 

James saw Sirius tightening his grasp on his wand and he quickly jogged the rest of the distance, coming to a stop next to Sirius and putting a grounding hand on his shoulder.

 

“Piss off, Snape,” James said. “Isn’t it time for you to wash your little death eater friend’s laundry and wipe their arses?”

 

Snape’s face turned an ugly shade of red. “Listen here — ”

 

“Oh, I’m listening,” a cool voice said from behind them. “Go ahead, Mr.Snape.”

 

James had never been happier to see McGonagall’s stern face. Snape’s jaw snapped shut.

 

“That’s what I thought. Correct me if I’m wrong,” the marauders knew that phrase meant they were in the Danger of Losing Points Zone, “but I heard Professor Binns assigned an essay due tomorrow and if I were a student I would be using my time wisely in the dormitories.”

 

“Professor,” Snape bowed his head, the little teacher’s pet. “I finished it three days ago.”

 

McGonagall raised a high eyebrow. “Then it would be best to reread it. Wouldn't want careless mistakes like your last essay for Transfiguration.”

 

James glanced at Sirius, hoping to share a euphoric look, only to find him glaring at his feet. James nudged him but he continued to studiously ignore everyone.

 

Snape escaped after a muttered _yes, Professor._ McGonagall leveled James with the familiar face of disproval.

 

“Right you are Minnie! And might I add you look especially dashing this fine evening?” James grinned. “Well, off to studying for us!”

 

He winked and tightened his hold on Sirius’ shoulder, steering them away. He waited until they were in their dorm to interrogate his brother.

 

“What did he say to you?”

 

Sirius stormed over to his bed, sitting down and clasping his hands tightly together, knuckles going white. “Nothing. I don’t need you to _save the day.”_

 

Ah. So that was what this was about. James knew Sirius’ tone and body language was screaming the verge of a breakdown but he couldn’t let this issue go.

 

“We’re brothers. This is what we do. I know you can handle things on your own.”

 

“I can!”

 

James held up his hands. “I know that,” he attempted to placate. “That doesn’t mean I’m not going to leave you alone with Snape.”

 

Sirius was talking even before James had the last word out. “And why do you keep saying that? Calling him that name — _Snape._ Evans got you wrapped around her finger? You going to listen to whatever she says, start thinking Snivellus is a,” Sirius’ voice tilted higher, mocking, “good person?”

 

James tried to reason with the sharp stinging in his heart, telling himself that Sirius didn’t mean this. Snape just pushed him too far and this wasn’t personal. He blinked back tears, cursing himself for always being one to cry easily. He stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, not knowing if he should try and sit down next to Sirius. James didn’t know what to say — the real answer was he was maturing but he didn't think Sirius would take well that answer.

 

“Lils’ is just as bitter about him as we are and you know that. If it really bothers you I’ll call him Snivellus again, it doesn’t matter to me.” James shrugged with careful nonchalance. “I don’t care for that slimy git.”

 

Sirius yanked his shoes off and threw them violently onto the ground, one of them bouncing under Remus’ bed. “Oh don’t go do me any favors. Call him whatever you want.”

 

“Sirius… maybe you should play some music. Calm down a little.”

 

“I am calm! I’m not some child you need to boss around! You’re so overbearing sometimes, I swear to Merlin.” Sirius face twisted in anger. “You’re not my mother!”

 

The shrill shout shattered like glass, slicing through the air and cutting into James’ skin. The silence that followed sucked all the air out of the room. Sirius clamped his hands around his ears and bent his head down to his knees. He rocked three times before straightening out and shifting into Padfoot, not sparing James a glance as he bounded out of the room and down the stairs.

 

———

 

Sirius didn’t come back that night but after searching the castle, when James came back to the room, there was a treacle tart on his bedside table.

 

“Who put this here?”

 

Peter shrugged, yawning.

 

———

 

Sirius sat next to James in Transfiguration the next morning, dark circles under his eyes. He didn’t apologize and James didn’t bring anything up, just forced the hurt down his throat.

 

James kept catching himself throughout the next few days, pulling back every time he was going to fuss over someone to eat more or lecture them about sleep. He wondered if Moony hated the friendship compliment bracelet and only wore it to be polite.

 

Did everyone secretly hate him for being a protective mama bear?

 

———

 

It was four more meetings until Bloody Hell became better, or less tense. James only had to tell Sirius red once.

 

“Is that all you got?” Frank jeered at Remus, easily blocking the advance.

 

“Says the one who used _Flipendo!_ Didn’t we learn that in, what, second year?”

 

The others gathered around, watching the two duel. Fab and Gid were running a commentary as if it was a Quidditch game. Dorcas and Marlene were making bets on who’d win. Sirius kept catching himself smiling, a swell of pride in his chest at seeing how brilliant his Moony was. He didn’t appreciate the closeness of his and Longbottom’s friendship, however.

 

Remus dodged an Impediment Jinx and cast a nonverbal spell, causing nearby rocks to attack Frank, throwing themselves into his face.

 

“Ouch! Fuck! Okay, I forfeit, shit! Mercy! You bloody shit!”

 

Remus snorted and waved his wand. As soon as the rocks fall away, Frank shouted a toe-nail growing hex. Immediate cries of sore loser came from the surrounding crowd and Dorcas and Marlene argued over if that meant Frank won or not.

 

Sirius unconsciously had begun to raise his wand, ready to hex Longbottom. He quickly glanced around to make sure no one saw. One of the Hufflepuff boys was staring him down, his wand raised. Sirius lowered his and looked away.

 

———

 

Sirius began actively searching for the lost Map, fed up with Snivellus popping up in random corners to taunt him. He was this bloody close to hexing the snake’s arse off. The only thing preventing him was Moony. Evans was becoming pretty friendly with James ever since he stopped getting in fights. 

 

Sirius hoped Moony would be the same. He hadn’t said a word to Moony in two weeks and he was getting desperate.

 

Only fighting back with words against Snivellus was awful. Duels were best for blowing off steam and all Sirius had now was Quidditch to burn off angry energy. And even that hardly did anything — their Captain told him off for hitting bludgers too hard at their players.

 

Sirius desperately wished that the Gryffindors were going against Slytherin this weekend instead of Hufflepuff. Or maybe not. He didn’t know if he’d want to see Regulus’ stupid face. (The more he avoided his brother by blood, the fewer nightmares he had).

 

———

 

“Hey lovebirds! You coming or what?” 

 

Remus stuck his tongue out at Benjy. “We’ll be there in a minute!”

 

Benjy made and Caradoc made kissy faces at Remus and Lucas before running off the Quidditch match. 

 

Alone now, Lucas grinned at Remus. “You want to skip, don’t you?”

 

“No!” Lucas stared and Remus slumped, pouting. “Yes. How’d you know?”

 

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m _kinda_ your boyfriend.” Remus shoved Lucas and he laughed. “I can tell these things.”

 

“We can go if you want to. You're a Captain, you should be going to all matches. And Edgar and Caradoc always come to our matches. It would be rude not to go.”

 

“Nah. They won’t mind and I’m not feeling that social anyway.”

 

Remus nibbled on the inside of his cheek, considering. He didn’t like feeling like he was forcing Lucas into doing something he didn’t want. 

 

He just felt out of sorts today. Bloody Hell was going fine but it didn’t make being around Black less taxing, especially when he kept shooting Remus these sad looks.

 

Honestly, he just wanted to climb into his boyfriend’s lap and listen to him read comics all day. It was the second week of May, which meant there was only a month left of school before Lucas graduated. Remus’ chest tightened at the thought. The fear of what would happen to their relationship next year was bubbling in his stomach more and more frequently.

 

“Hey,” Lucas said softly. “What’s going on, love?”

 

Remus scooted closer on the Gryffindor table’s bench, pressing his thigh to his Ravenclaw’s, seeking comfort.

 

He ducked his head but told the truth, a little embarrassed. “I don’t want the year to end.”

 

He didn’t look up to see what Lucas’ face looked like and the eggs he ate for breakfast sloshed around in his belly.

 

“We still have a whole month left.” Lucas laced his fingers through Remus’ and Remus held on tightly. “Everything’s alright, Rem. You have the moon next week and we’ll spend the whole two days in bed, how’s that sound? If you feel well we can go to Hogsmeade after.” Lucas tipped Remus’ chin up with his finger, meeting his eyes. “I’ll make sure we have drama-free last few weeks.”

 

Remus couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Promise?”

 

“Promise.” Lucas crossed his heart. “Though I can’t vouch for keeping Frank from bothering you.”

 

Remus laughed louder this time, his anxiety washing away. Lucas absolutely beamed.

 

“Let’s go to the kitchens,” he said. “I think I remember owing a certain sloth some chocolate cake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you can tell but I'm in the Mood for some chocolate cake


	35. Don't Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus wants the moon to come sooner to get it over with. Sirius wants to perfect the charm. Things don't go as hoped.

Remus woke up Sunday morning and immediately rolled onto his stomach, cursing loudly into his pillow.

 

“Moony?”

 

Remus ignored James’ question, not having the energy, and James made his way to Remus’ side in a few seconds flat. A warm hand pressed against the back of Remus’ neck and he groaned.

 

“Moon aches?” Remus made a grumbling sound in response. “Okay, Moony, give me just a second.”

 

Remus was dimly aware of James leaving and coming back, though he didn’t know how long. His brain felt too hazy. He let himself be gently moved as James began surrounding him in pillows. James kept a steady stream of soft conversation and the most Remus understood was that Peter was going to get some potions from Madam Pomfrey and food from the kitchens.

 

“I know you want chocolate but you have to stay healthy, Moony, I’m sorry, so you have to eat some veggies first.” Remus made a high pitched whining sound and James moved Remus’ head so it was no longer pressed into the pillow. “Don’t want you to suffocate,” he explained.

 

James climbed into bed with him, sitting with his back against the headboard, and said he had also asked Pete to tell the girls what was going on and to come over.

 

“No,” Remus croaked. He ignored (or tried to) his aching bones. “Just you. Too…tired. Just you, please.”

 

He weakly lifted his arm and blindly reached out until it made contact with James’ body—it felt like a nose. He patted it in what he meant as an affectionate gesture. He fell back asleep seconds after.

 

James spent the day looking after Remus, not that he minded. He nearly sobbed when Remus insisted on only him keeping him company. After taking potions to help ease the pain, Remus had woken up a few times, delirious, and patted James, either murmuring _Jamie_ or _love you._

 

As touched as James was, and warmed that his mother-henning _was_ appreciated, he couldn’t help but be alarmed. Remus hadn’t had one of these days in a long, long time. Usually, he’d weaken a few days before the moon but the moon was nearly a week away at this point.

 

The last time Remus had to lie in bed from pre-moon pain was back in fourth year and the following moon was far from fun.

 

James brushed Remus’ hair to the side and smiled as his best mate hummed happily in response.

 

“Don’t worry Moons. We just have to get through this week. Wormy and I will be there with you and make sure you’re okay. It’s going to be okay.”

 

———

 

“So, sweety-Rem and I thought we should practice the Patronus Charm,” Frank said.

 

Their friends made sounds of excitement. Edgar shouted that Lucas’ would be a snail and Lucas rolled his eyes, saying Edgar’s would be a tiger. Edgar opened his mouth and closed it, obviously not seeing the insult. Remus quietly sniggered to himself, knowing that Lucas did that on purpose. Edgar was going to obsess over it all day, trying to find the insult in it, when there really was none. Lucas caught Remus’ eye and winked.

 

_Arsehole,_ Remus mouthed. Lucas mimed tipping a hat and took a bow.

 

“So, I’ll be teaching and showing how to cast it and Rem-darling will be walking around to help individually.”

 

Remus smiled gratefully at Frank. Frank was the one who came up with the plan for Remus to walk around and give pointers. Remus knew what his Patronus was, knew the cold sting of seeing the white-blue wolf. 

 

Only the marauders, the Girls, Lucas, and Frank knew of his lycanthropy. He knew the others wouldn’t mind. Probably. Maybe. He would rather keep that secret to himself if he could, however. Even the kindest people could turn out to have some rather bigoted thoughts.

 

Remus felt guilty thinking that. Frank’s friends had become his close friends and they were like family, but the years of fear were far too ingrained.

 

It was an added plus being able to be in the background today because of the twinge in his bones and the uncomfortable stretch of his skin. He felt a lot better than yesterday but it still wasn’t fun to have a constant pain reminding him of the upcoming transformation.

 

Remus tuned back into Frank’s teaching, right in time to see him cast the spell. Frank had refused to tell Remus beforehand what animal he had, smirking and saying it was a surprise.

 

Remus squinted and he felt others do the same, trying to figure out the fast moving Corporeal. He burst into giddy laughter as he distinguished the dolphin.

 

The sea creature circled around Frank and Frank raised a hand, petting it as if it were real. “Shush, shush. Remmy’s being a big ole meanie. He’s jealous.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Remus said before breaking into another set of giggles. “It’s not funny.”

 

It really wasn’t. He wasn’t making funny of Frank having an animal some may seem as unmasculine. He caught James’ and Peter’s eyes and saw them shaking with silent laughter as well.

 

Animagi forms often could be the same as a person’s Patronus. The image of Frank shifting for the first time and flopping onto the floor as a dolphin was hilarious. He let an undignified snort as he pictured a dolphin with Frank’s horrified pout.

 

“Well, I think it’s a _lovely_ Patronus,” Alice piped up. She walked over and the dolphin quickly swam through the air.

 

Frank watched the two with an adoring expression and several people made gagging noises. He rolled his eyes.

 

“Oh shut it you bloody tossers! Let’s see you all try.”

 

Remus stepped back to survey the whole group. Everyone looked disappointed as they realized how hard the Charm was. Finding the right memory was tricky and Remus expected to not see anything more than some incorporeal. Then again, they were all exceptionally gifted witches and wizards, so who knew? 

 

They all weren’t one to back down from challenges and had a good amount of healthy competition among each other. Once one person perfected the spell, the others would be scrambling to catch up.

 

Remus zeroed in on Gid, who wasn’t doing the correct wand movement. After showing the sort of circle-ish swirl should be counter-clockwise, he began stopping by each person to help adjust their wands. 

 

Best to start there and give them time to think over their memories. It seemed that the stress of upcoming exams was making it even harder to find something happy to focus on.

 

———

 

Sirius growled lowly to himself in frustration. Longbottom had stopped by and tersely asked if he needed any help to which he, very politely might he also add, said no. Remus was avoiding him, which wasn’t completely unexpected but still hurt. He knew if Remus would come over, he’d be able to do it.

 

Prongs and Wormtail were goofing off by the pond, no doubt waiting for the perfect moment to surprise everyone by casting fully formed corporeal forms. The marauders had all practiced _Expecto Patronum_ back in fourth year when they went through that month-long streak testing how advanced of spells they could do. 

 

He, Prongs, and Wormtail also had the secret motive to learn their Patronus in the hopes it would show what their Animagus form would be. 

 

The only problem was that Sirius had never been able to do it. He remembered the small outburst he had when Wormtail was able to cast one before him. It calmed him down a bit, though, when they all realized it was a rat, which led to days of teasing.

 

Sirius looked at Remus, the way his hair had been recently trimmed on the side and how the sunlight was turning his curls golden. Sirius took a deep breath and closed his eyes, grasping for a memory with his Moony. A hollow ache grew in his chest as he struggled to find one.

 

“Rem, show us yours!” Someone shouted.

 

Sirius opened his eyes, curious to see what Moony would do. He wondered if he was still embarrassed by his wolf. Remus’ face looked carefully blank and Sirius guessed he was right.

 

“A dolphin you stupid git!” Frank smacked the back of one of his friend’s head. “He’s not casting it so as not to hurt poor Lucas’ feelings.”

 

Lucas slapped a hand to his heart and staggered backward, pretending to be wounded fatally. Sirius hated him a bit for it. Stupid theatrical arsehole. 

 

“Our love cannot be denied!” Frank crowed.

 

Sirius counted to ten and counted back down, keep his breathing even. He hated Frank almost as much as he hated Lucas. The Gryffindor was always calling Remus pet names. 

 

He felt James’ concerned gaze and ignored it, focusing on his breathing. A girl’s voice asked if it was true, then, that two people in love have similar animals.

 

“Not necessarily,” Remus said. “Love can change a Patronus though I don’t know how often.”

 

Sirius stored the information to think about later and for now focused on the calm, soothing quality of his Moony’s voice. 

 

———

 

The next day, Moony and that dumb Ravenclaw never showed up for dinner and Sirius was getting surlier by the minute.

 

“I’m going,” he said to Prongs, standing up.

 

“You o-ay?” Prongs asked around a mouthful of food.

 

Sirius nodded and left, sulking out of the hall and through the corridors. Getting off the last staircase to the Gryffindor Tower, he heard quiet giggling. His lip curled up in distaste, thinking it was a couple of first years but as he drew nearer, he recognized Moony’s voice.

 

Sirius crept around the corner, his heart beating loudly in his ears. He hardly quieted his choke at the sight before him. Jealousy and anguish pooled in his stomach.

 

In the shadows of the corridor, Lucas had Remus pinned to the wall. They kissed lazily, as if they had all the time in the world, and kept breaking apart to laugh.

 

“You taste like cherry pie,” Sirius heard Lucas whisper.

 

Remus laughed loudly and Sirius wanted to demand why was that so funny?

 

“I don’t know the last time I ate cherries.” Remus kissed Lucas. “Maybe you’re just really craving pie.”

 

Sirius knew he should have looked away, should have left, hell he should have hexed Lucas rather than keep watching like a creep but he was rooted to his spot. He watched the Ravenclaw rest his forehead against Remus’.

 

“I think we missed dinner.”

 

“Really?” Remus blinked and then smiled. “Can’t say I really mind.”

 

Remus threaded his fingers in Lucas’ hair and pulled his head back down. Sirius finally broke out of his trance and looked away. He quickly backtracked, horrified at the thought of being seen. 

 

He ran the rest of the way to the common room, shouted at the Fat Lady, and threw himself up the stairs and then onto his bed.

 

———

 

Sirius tried searching for those candies Moony had always loved, the cinnamon sweets. Fortunately, Prongs never came up to catch him going through Moony’s stuff. Sirius knew what he was doing was a huge Code Red but he felt crazy with desperation to find these candies.

 

He looked and looked and tried accio but he couldn’t find them anywhere. 

 

Sirius tried not to think about why this was so important to him, tried to push away how his Moony’s mouth always tasted like these candies when they used to kiss.

 

When Prongs finally came up to their room that evening, cheeks rosy with laughter, Sirius kept himself carefully casual when asked where the candies were.

 

“What?” Prongs’ eyebrows furrowed and Sirius pushed down his irritation. “Oh. Oh, I forgot about those! Moons never eats those anymore.”

 

Sirius felt numb. “He doesn’t like them?”

 

Prongs shrugged, starting to pull his clothes off to get ready for bed. “No, I think he still likes them. He just doesn’t miss them, I guess? I don’t know. I don’t think he’s noticed, really. Probably forgot about them, too. Why?”

 

Sirius ignored the pounding in his head, trying to push out the images of what he’d seen earlier away. “Nothing. No reason.”

 

———

 

James and Peter waited for the second Patronus meeting to reveal they could Conjure one all along. 

 

Peter had been teasing one of Frank’s friends when they snapped, jokingly, saying he was one to talk.

 

“I haven’t even seen you try. You scared, Pettigrew?”

 

Peter went through a whole routine of fumbling and pretending he didn’t even know the incantation before carelessly casting a perfect charm. It said a lot to how much he had grown into himself that he wasn’t insecure of his rat at all.

 

Everybody gaped and someone turned to yell James, to ask if he saw, only to see the Gryffindor lying on his back by the pond, a regal stag prancing around him. 

 

“Oh, you pieces of shit! You had that planned all along, didn’t you?”

 

Remus had to sit down on the ground, he was laughing so hard.

 

———

 

Here was the thing. Sirius knew his Moony and that boy kissed. He knew, he wasn’t fucking stupid, he _knew_ they were…“dating”. Of course, they kissed. 

 

Merlin, he can’t even think about it without wanting to die. What he was trying to say is that, of course, he had known in some way in the back of his mind—the way, way, _way_ back—that they probably kissed but he never _thought_ about it. 

 

Ignorance is bliss and if he didn’t think about it, then it wasn’t real, in a way.

 

But now he had seen it and it was all he could think about. He hated that boy— _Lucas—_ before but now he burned with jealousy. He despised that blond idiot with every fiber of his body.

 

His eyes were always finding Lucas now, not Remus. Glaring and analyzing every moment.

 

What was it about him that made Moony think he was worth a scrap of attention?

 

———

 

Sirius had been watching Lucas throughout the whole Bloody Hell meeting. No one noticed except Lucas himself and he wasn’t doing anything about it. 

 

It was pissing Sirius off.

 

Lucas wasn’t even looking his way once. He was acting as if he wasn’t aware of Sirius’ legendary Glare. He wasn’t even going to tattle-tale to Remus or one of his friends. 

 

The only thing that was putting him in a good mood was that Lucas hadn’t been able to cast a Patronus yet. 

 

Sirius remembered the conversation from days before, about how love can change your animal. 

 

Sirius knew he needed to cast his first. He _needed_ to. Lucas couldn’t—he _couldn’t_ be the one to do it before Sirius. 

 

Because Sirius loved Moony. This was the only thing he knew to be true. He loved him, no matter how everyone said he didn't, and this was his chance to show it. 

 

To show everyone Sirius’ Patronus was going to be a wolf. Then Remus would have to acknowledge him finally.

 

Sirius didn’t want Lucas to beat him. He desperately, desperately didn’t want to know what Lucas’ Patronus would be.

 

———

 

James took Sirius out to the field to goof off playing Quidditch. He kept trying to get Sirius to talk to him but Sirius didn’t feel like it. He was enjoying the slight burn in his muscles, the bitter chill of the wind when flying higher up than usual.

 

He felt calm and clear-headed for the first time that week.

 

After a few hours, they lied on their backs, staring up at the dark sky, chests heaving.

 

“I’m sorry I’ve snapped at you lately,” he said.

 

Prongs rolled over and engulfed him in a hug. His voice was embarrassingly wet when he told Sirius that he could talk to him whenever he wanted, about whatever he wanted.

 

“I know,” Sirius lied.

 

———

 

Remus and Lily were resolutely not looking at each other. It was late at night—or early morning—and they’d been studying for hours after having a mutual breakdown about end of the year exams. They’d hit that stage of delirious exhaustion and giggled helplessly anytime they caught each other gaze.

 

They’d gone a whole three minutes of being quiet when Lily whispered softly, “Billywig.”

 

A third year girl stormed down into the common room, asking them to be quiet because some people were trying to sleep.

 

Lily and Remus’ faces were covered in ugly red splotches and fat tears rolled down their cheeks. It took several seconds before Remus was able to wheeze out the blue insect’s name, in some attempt at an explanation.

 

Remus and Lily managed to sober up and keep a respectful face as the girl lectured, more like shouted, at them to get some sleep. The second she started back up the stairs, however, Lily turned to face Remus.

 

“Buh-luh-la wig.”

 

Remus shoved a fist down his throat to muffle his shrieking. He seemed to abandon the idea of being quiet and slapped a hand down on the table, pulling his fist out, butchering the insect’s name in a way he thought was funnier. “Bolly-wig _gy_.”

 

“Wait, wait, wait,” Lily choked out. She opened her mouth three times to talk but ended up laughing before a word could get out.

 

Eventually, she wheezed out, “Bolly,” then paused and shimmied her shoulders, “ _wiggy!”_

 

Marlene, Dorcas, _and_ Alice had to be woken up to use their combined forces to drag the two laughing idiots to bed. They’d didn’t even attempt to understand why they were garbling out the word _wiggy_ accompanied with wiggling their bodies outrageously. 

 

Ten minutes later, James had to be woken up to drag Remus to the boys’ room.

 

———

 

Lucas walked Remus down to Potions, trying to cheer his boyfriend up.

 

“Last class of the day, love,” he said. “You can do it.”

 

“I know I _can,_ ” Remus grumbled. “Doesn’t mean I _want_ to.”

 

Lucas smiled and laced his fingers with Remus, earning a smile back. They stopped to lean against the wall outside of the classroom, having a few minutes to spare. Students filtered in past them, a few smirked at the two, James and Peter winked, and a person here and there glared, looking disgusted at their clasped hands.

 

Their relationship wasn’t exactly broadcasted and many thought they were only close friends. Their whole friend group was pretty tactile so it made sense but they still found it hilarious. 

 

Every now and then, they were on the receiving end of some disproving stares. No one ever came up and said anything homophobic to their faces, probably from fear of the couple’s protective friends.

 

When the corridor was empty, Remus let his head fall forward and pressed it against Lucas’ chest.

 

“It sucks because I’m excited that it’s Friday and now the weekend is here,” Remus said lowly, “but I can’t be too excited because the moon is tomorrow night. By the time I’m healed it’s going to be the start of another week.”

 

“I’m sorry, love.” Lucas dropped a kiss to the top of Remus’ head. “We can skip the training session tomorrow and relax by the lake tomorrow.”

 

Remus groaned. “We shouldn’t.”

 

“Think about it, alright? No shoulds or shouldn’ts.” Lucas nudged his right shoulder forward, pushing Remus’ head away. “Time for class.”

 

Remus groaned again, loudly. He pressed a quick, chaste kiss to Lucas’ lips and trudged into the classroom. 

 

———  


Sirius had spent the past two days focusing on himself and keeping calm. He played Quidditch, committing himself to doing the best he could, seeing as they were playing Ravenclaw in a week and a half. He was supposed to be keeping his mind away from negative subjects but he allowed himself the brief daydreams of Lucas’ crushed face because Gryffindor was going to murder them this game if it was the last thing Sirius did. 

 

Sirius was still determined to figure out the Patronus Charm. They hadn’t been practicing it as a group, everyone was too high-strung from homework to think happy thoughts, but at the end of every meeting, they had time to work on whatever they wanted individually. Sirius always went off on his own and quietly worked, becoming quite good at casting an incorporeal charm.

 

Today was the day he was going to cast it. He could feel it in his bones. He was going to do it today.

 

It would perfect, too, because the moon was tonight. Once Remus saw it was a wolf, maybe he’d let him come along for the transformation as Padfoot. 

 

As Sirius had grown older, he was coming to hate the morning more and more, enjoying sleeping in. Today he was more chipper than he had ever been, up before Prongs, because their meeting was early. 

 

He looked over at Remus’ bed. The curtains were pulled around it but Sirius could hear the boy’s soft snoring. He smiled, thinking about the nights they used to sleep in the same bed together. Sirius had always insisted on crawling back to his own bed before morning, not wanting the other marauders to see, but maybe now that would change. 

 

Once Remus was his boyfriend again, they could sleep in through the whole night.

 

———

 

He did it.

 

He did it.

 

_He did it._

 

People were actually speaking to him. Congratulating him. A few of Frank’s friends even clapped him on the back — touched him voluntarily. It was the most positivity Sirius had received in Merlin knew how long. Wormtail hugged him like they were still good friends. He didn’t know if he had ever been hugged by Wormtail before.

 

Sirius hadn’t even meant to choose that memory. He had a moment of spacing out and the memory of New Year’s Eve, listening to records with Prongs’ parents, feeling like he had a _family,_ burst to the front of his mind. Without thinking he had said _Expecto Patronum._

 

And he did it. He cast a corporeal Patronus and it was a fucking _dog._

 

_———_

 

Sirius excused himself from the meeting and stumbled through the forest, numb. He didn’t know if it was better or worse that Remus hadn’t even been there. Bitterly, he thought Remus probably wouldn’t have taken a single look at Sirius’ dog Patronus and cared.

 

Sirius, on the other hand, was fucking devastated. He felt like he could taste his heart in his throat. He felt like his head was going to fall off. He felt like someone had grated his skin off.

 

It wasn’t as bad as how Sirius felt last summer when his parents attacked him, but nothing could ever really be worse than that. This heartbreak was a close second.

 

Tears rolled down his cheeks—actual tears. He was crying. Sirius Black was crying.

 

The world was laughing at him. _See,_ it was saying, _you never loved him. Everyone is right. You’re not in love with Remus._

 

But he wanted Remus, his Remus, his Moony, his Remmy. He wanted him more than anything in the world. How was that not enough? How did that not count as love?

 

But there was no mistaking his Patronus. It was a dog. It looked exactly like he did as Padfoot. It was a fucking dog.

 

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut as he stepped out of the forest and into the blinding sunlight. He opened his eyes slowly, trying to adjust to the light. His eyes scanned the grounds, not wanting anyone to seem him in this vulnerable, snotty state.

 

He half-expected to see Remus and Lucas, kissing by the lake or something. The world liked to be that cruel to him like that. No one was there, however. It wasn’t even noon yet and most students were probably taking advantage of the weekend., completely unaware of Sirius’ troubles

 

With no one in sight, Sirius shifted into Padfoot, a state where emotions felt lessened, more subdued, and took off running with no destination in mind.

 

———

 

“Okay, Jamie?” Remus asked, sitting down on the couch next to him.

 

James paused his worried nail biting. He bit his tongue and blew out a breath, deciding on not telling the truth. He’d been looking for Sirius for hours with no avail. He didn’t know what had bothered Sirius but he was so visually upset after the meeting. James knew it was best to give Sirius time to calm down before approaching him but it had been hours and he couldn’t find him anywhere. 

 

“Yeah,” James said. “Just tired.” He took a deep breath and smiled at Remus. “Ready for tonight?”

 

Remus rolled his eyes. “As I’ll ever be. I’ve felt like such shit this week, though, so I’m a bit worried.”

 

“I thought you were feeling better?”

 

Remus shrugged. “A bit. It’s more like I got used to the pain. I’ve been in a good mood, too, which helped.”

 

James glanced out the window. The sun was setting. “I’ll make sure everything goes smoothly. I’m sorry — ”

 

Remus cut James off. “It’s okay. I’m not going to kill myself in a few minutes. We’ve done this before. We’ll be fine.”

 

Guilt stirred in James’ stomach nonetheless. The Quidditch Captain had called a last minute strategy meeting and James was going to be a few minutes late for the transformation. He’d been late in the past before and it had gone fine, he kept reminding himself. He just had to be careful getting in through the door and shifting fast.

 

“I’ll be fine,” Remus reassured. “Peter’s going to wait behind with you, too, to help you through the door. I’ll be fine.”

 

James nodded his head, bringing his hand up and biting his nails again.

 

———

 

Sirius was hiding at the edge of the forest, still in dog form, when he saw Snivellus walking alone.

 

All day, Sirius had been wallowing in pity and depression but at the sight of the long black hair and hooked nose, fire ignited in his stomach. He hadn’t had anything to eat all day and dimly he acknowledged how bad of an idea that had been. Hunger always made him more irritated and likely to act rashly.

 

The anger welled up and Sirius let it. It felt so good. It had been so long since he had let himself fully feel this anger. It felt so warm and familiar and burned away all the sadness. 

 

This was all Snivellus fault, his anger whispered. 

 

It was Snivellus who had cornered him in the corridor. Snivellus had been going to out him to Prongs. It was his fault that Sirius had kissed Agnus as a diversion. It was his fault that Sirius’ relationship was Moony was destroyed. It was his fault that Moony was with someone else.

 

This was all Snivellus’ fault. 

 

If he hadn’t done anything, Sirius’ life would be wonderful. He and Moony would be together and in love.

 

This was all because of _him._

 

And there he was — look at him. Smirking to himself, probably satisfied with being accepted into his stupid Death Eater friend group. Probably loving his life. It wasn’t fair. Why did he deserve to be happy when Sirius didn’t?

 

Why did he get to be happy when he ruined Sirius’ life?

 

He should have to pay in some way. He should be reminded of how much of a loser he was. He should be taught a lesson. He should be begging for Sirius to forgive him for making Moony hate him.

 

The sun was setting fast and the darkness was approaching. Sirius watched Snivellus look up at the moon and Sirius paused to look up at it as well.

 

The world was spinning and Sirius shifted back to human and he was running over to Snivellus and he should have stopped to think about what he was going to do, stopped to breathe, but he didn’t. 


End file.
